Saturday, April 12, 2003

Statistics and Spirituality

I signed up to one of those site statistic things. Wow, is it interesting. I get to see how many visitors I have, who they are, and where they're referred from. Also how many pages the visitor has viewed and how long they've been at my site. It's a little nerve-racking. Now I realize every blog I've been to knows how long I was at their site and how many pages I've read. I somehow feel like I've lost my privacy.

Through the referrals, I also discovered a brilliant blogger called "" Gorgeous essays. When I read his site name, I thought he was a drag-queen performer, so I was surprised to discover he wasn't, and also very thoughtful and fascinating writing.

Something I haven't discussed before is my spiritual side. I'm not just a slut and rude person, as I've portrayed myself so far. I'm just going through a phase. Before I met BC, I was living in the suburbs. I was in Burnaby for three years. I moved to Burnaby to get away from the gay lifestyle and circuit-boys. I meditated daily. I kept a web site on new age writings and experiences. I've read every new age book out there (my new age book collection exceeds even my art book collection). Some are very esoteric and flaky. My all time favourite are the Seth channelings.

I used to enjoy meditating. After doing it so regularly, I started to open up to the subtle energies. At the time I was focussing on love. I began to get very psychic. I got in touch with my inner guidance. It really is an amazing experience, one that is difficult to express and explain. I felt the amazing light of my higher self, the I AM, and the greater entity of who I am would guide me. I also talked to my helper guides, who would initiate action on my behalf when I visualized what I needed.

I started to do spontaneous psychic readings with friends. For example, one friend had a reoccurring prostate infection. When he came over for dinner one night, we were talking about it, and this insight came over me. It was like a different, parallel reality. I began talking, not really knowing what I was saying. I saw these silver flickers of light in my mind's eye, and I told him to take Colloidal Silver. I described how it would be more effective than the prescriptions he was taking, it would manage to get through his minor and major colons, and kill the infection in his prostate.

I was a little embarrassed by it at the time. But a month later he told me he followed my advice, took Colloidal Silver, and hasn't had a prostate infection since. He'd had the problem for like three years. He's still free of prostate problems.

Other things happened. I'd meet someone, they'd be talking to me, and I'd be seeing/hearing/feeling things on a different level about them. I'd know their issues, their blocks, their thinkings. It was like what they were talking about was so secondary. It became difficult for me to socialize and relate to other people, because I could see right through them. Most people don't want to be confronted with the knowledge I had, so I had to somehow ignore what I knew.

My landlord decided to sell the house I was in. Again, I had a vision that there was a beautiful apartment one block away. I went on the internet, found the apartment one block away (exactly one block away) and got it. I lived there for two years.

I got into this place where life is the illusion. There are many levels to existence, some more real than this world. Sometimes, when I'd procrastinated and needed more time to prepare for a class, I'd slow down time. I managed to get reams of work done in an hour.

I learned to be very grounded, to stop freaking out, to breathe into anxiety. I learned to trust that what I asked for would come. And it would/did.

There were many synchronicities, on a daily basis. More than I can explain. But then, at the height of this spiritual opening, I also began to experience my dark side.

My dark side is the side that most of you have heard about so far. My sexual promiscuity. My nastiness. I recently met an incredible woman, very spiritual, a spiritual counsellor actually, who told me that the more you open up to the spiritual side, the more your karma and negative habits surface. This is what I'm going through at the moment. I'm having to come to terms with myself, my karma, my negative aspects of self. She told me that there are spiritual techniques to deal with this - to burn off your karma - so that you're able to maintain a grounded spirituality.

I know she is speaking the truth. And I'm afraid.

I didn't tell you about her before. I'll call her Anna. I met Anna through another friend. I did some work for her. And seriously, all we'd do is talk about work together, and meet for an hour together. But at the end of the hour, after being with her, I'd feel joyous, for absolutely no reason. I wanted to burst into song, like a musical, like the Sound of Music, once she left. It was her energy. Her spiritual energy of love and joy streams off her, even when she's talking about mundane things. The thing is, when you've been around her for an hour, you engage in her energy, and she empowers you. You feel positively joyous.

She has offered me spiritual counselling, in return for the work I did for her. I know I need to take it, to get back to the lovely place I was a few years ago. But I'm scared. There's safety in this dark place I'm in. I'm afraid of living so spiritually. Where I get to hear people's unconscious thoughts. Where I feel a greater responsibility to help others.