Friday, September 17, 2004

I lost respect for the Trump
I saw The Apprentice last night. I can't believe Trump fired the Bradford! I've been trying to work out the philosophy behind Trump's decision, and am not clear on it.

I admit, I find Bradford very sexy. He looks like my ex - BC - in some ways. The tall body, the cute, kind and sexy eyes. Bradford has a lot of charisma. And I like his ability to be decisive.

When Bradford offered up his immunity...he was being courageous. Taking a risk. In business, you have to take risks, and often you are rewarded for them. Especially when you're as talented as he is.

But instead, Trump used it against him, for absolutely no purpose that I can define. Trump, himself, has taken huge risks, and won. He's got an ego that would win world-wide awards. So what's his problem with Bradford? Why did he "fire" him?

I wonder if Trump is intimidated by Bradford's charisma and loveability. He doesn't want competition in his business. If you notice his two side-kicks - the old guy and the younger blond female - they always cowtow to him. They never say anything that would offend the Trump. In fact, they always manage to say the right thing, that is in concordance with Trump. I think they are "yes-men." I've lost respect for them. I think it's clear, from the second episode, that Trump doesn't want anyone who is more talented and charismatic than himself.

Is it possible that Trump's philosophy is that...when you have a gain on other competitors, that you shouldn't offer it up? It's wrong to make yourself vulnerable when you have something over other competitors that makes you safe? Possibly. Do I think it's right? No.

So, I've lost my admiration and respect for Trump, and I'm seriously considering not watching the rest of the show. Unless there's a sudden turnaround, such as Trump inviting Bradford back, I've lost all interest in the show. It's too bad - I really liked it last season.

So FUCK YOU TRUMP. I shouldn't be surprised. People like him are always assholes, interested in their own fame and fortune, and never really help anyone else to raise to the top.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

An impasse

Oh fuck. I just spent an hour typing a profound message. Then IE screwed up and I lost it all. So here's the short form (in much cruder words):

I've reached an impasse. I let go of a prestigious job at a prestigious college teaching a prestigious course, with the possibility of tenure in another year. I'm feeling like an idiot. I've felt this way before - having a great job, not being happy with the SHIT going on, and yet in the past I've always succeeded, getting better work, getting better pay.

I'm scared right now that won't happen. But I need to gather my energies to make sure this happens again, now. I also need to get in touch with what I truly want to do, and make a success of it. So this is where I'm at. I'll let you know how it goes.

Fuck. I wrote such a beautiful entry about my experience, and then IE fucked up, and I lost pages of writing.

I guess, you just need to go with the flow...

Upon re-reading this entry, it is much more to the point! Isn't that positive!

Monday, August 30, 2004

Summer is over, here in Vancouver

There's something about summer that makes me not want to post, or feel like writing. It's too beautiful here...there's too much to do. We've had an amazing, third-year-in-a-row, global-warming, summer. Vancouver is always incredible in the summer. All of our city is out, on the beaches, in the streets cruising, going for coffees, hiking, camping, and mountain climbing. I bought a fan for the first time because it was so hot and humid. I'd take a shower, and drip sweat within moments of drying myself off. This is highly unusual - it's more like Toronto's weather.

It's luscious, sexy (seeing all the beautiful men, shirtless and in shorts) and having outdoor lunches with friends, or going camping on the Gulf Islands.

My idealistic summer was cut short by a phone call, from the assistant dean, of the college I work at, last week Thursday. I was about to start a new term on the following Monday. He had his secretary call me to arrange a meeting.

I asked her to forward me to the assistant dean, to ask, "Why?" The AD (assistant dean) said that there were two student complaints about me from the following year, and wanted to meet with me. Pleasantly, I asked, "why, what happened?"

The AD refused to tell me.

I said, "Yes, I did return the student final marks two weeks late... is this the problem?"

He said, "No, it's worse than that."

I asked, "What could be worse than that?"

He refused to tell me.

Over the last two years, I've had a personality conflict with the new AD. He took over two years ago. He has no educational background, and has no idea of what it's like to work with students or in an educational institution. He comes from Toronto, from a corporate/financial/managerial position. Ever since he's taken over, he's created a very negative working situation - not only for myself - but for other instructors. He does everything by the book, according to union guidelines. At least 14 instructors have quit, in the past two years. Some of the instructors have been at the college for 15 years. I have been there 5 years.

In the past 2 years since he's taken over, I've found working at the college very difficult. No one seems to be helpful. This includes long-term employees, as well as computer staff, and secretarial staff. I have problems booking rooms, getting rooms, getting the support staff to help me, getting my office set up with NOTES and computer access, etc. Before the AD came into his position, I never had any problems.

In fact, due to the AD's incompetence, I taught a course without booked computer rooms for 4 weeks. Can you imagine how pissed the students were? They had no where to go for their lab times!

I decided in the second year, that I didn't want to go through the horror of teaching students at the college, due to this new AD's control. I decided to take a term off - I refused the contract. He ended up hiring a totally incompetent teacher. He hired a previous colleague (who had no teaching experience), who had a panic attack for the first three classes. During his first class, he froze, started hyperventilating, and ran outside the classroom to find another instructor in the college for help.

The poor guy who was hired also wasn't knowledgeable in the areas that I taught, so he made up things. The worst aspect is that he never gave the college students any handouts, or gave examples.

So what happened, in the middle of the term, is that the AD ended up calling me, begging me to return. I did and saved the day!

After finishing the first term, to great success, I taught the second course in the spring, and I thought things were going well between myself and the AD. Until the phone call before the Monday (recently) I was supposed to start teaching.

I refused the AD. I said, "I want you to tell me what problems other students have told you about, so I can look up my records, and be prepared when I meet you."

The AD said "No."

The AD was playing things according to union rules (which can be a good thing, but not in this case). So I told him, "Suppose you were being accused of things, without any information, and are asked to go to a meeting without any would you respond?"

The AD said, "I would show up to the meeting."

In part, he's right. He's right, if I wanted to play the whole paternalistic, unionistic and bureaucrastic game, I would go to the meeting. But the thing is, I don't. In the first three years at the college, I was run by an assistant dean who believed in me, who gave me the benefit of the doubt. He never asked me to follow union rules because he believed in me as an instructor. This previous AD had teaching experience and umpteem years in being a manager. This horrible new AD does NOT!

I told him, "I won't meet with you under these conditions. I won't be put into the position of defense, without knowing what you want to meet me about."

Anyway, there's so much more I could talk about. A couple of things: three highly inflammatory e-mails that I shared with a union representative from the new AD, and they were concerned about - they were willing to take action against this rude AD.

So I told this new AD that I would not return to teach this term. Now he has to find someone new to teach.

I feel like I made the right decision. I will never be controlled, by someone who is not upholding me as an excellent teacher.

And plus, I can make so much more money by doing my own gig.

Sunday, July 11, 2004


I can't believe it's been more than a month and a half since I posted my last blog. I'm still here, still alive. But, like CoolRelax says, there's something about summer that makes me not want to post. I'm too busy enjoying the warm summer months. I see there are several other bloggers that feel the same way. I'll be back. Perhaps this post will make me feel like posting again, regularly.

I'm sorry to see that SissySpacechik has gone off-line! How terrible! One of the best sites I've ever seen!

I see that VividBlurry has posted a quote from me, along with several others. This makes me respect him again. I realize...he knows how to play the "media" and perhaps that's his plan. So "I'm loving it" again.

I have so much more to say, yet so little drive, because it's the summer, and I want to put on my swim trunks and nothing else, and walk on down to the beach to watch hot, straight volleyball players in their shirtless attires kick sand. It's the simple things that get me off.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Virtual or Reality?
It's interesting that gay bloggers meet each other, in real person. I've never had this leaning, myself. I express myself too much to want to meet another blogger in real life. I don't want someone new to know what I'm thinking, and what my diary confesses. The blogger would have to be truly special, for me, to meet him in person. It's not that I'm hiding that I'm a fat, bloated, ugly person. My blog is to archive my history, rather than to meet people. I guess I'm odd in this respect.

I wonder what gay bloggers truly think about meeting each other. Somehow, there's an unwritten rule, that you cannot truly say what you think about the blogger, once meeting them in non-virtual reality. In other words, in real life, you cannot express what the blogger is like. I've heard, from good sources, that the blogger is not as goodlooking or as interesting in real life, than they are in their blog. Many bloggers create their own virtual life, via the blog, but in real life, they are dull and boring. Other bloggers suggest they are really hot, but in real life, are fat and/or uninteresting.

So there's lots to think about here.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Reading DogPoet's post about wrestling reminded me of some experiences I had in school. DogPoet has a way of triggering deeply felt and remembered memories at a fully sensory level.

I 'm in grade 6. I've been a competitive gymnast for over a year. I look skinny and not particularly strong. I'm good -looking, and the girls love me. But the boys tend to hate me. They know I'm a gymnast and believe I'm totally gay (I guess they were right - I didn't know it at the time). Especially two boys - one is Asian, the other is white trash.

The Asian boy is known to be the strongest guy in the school. He's a karate expert. He's got a bad attitude to match. Somehow, we decide to compete in an arm wrestle. Everyone is so caught up in the excitement - who will win? I remember sitting at a round table in front of large windows overlooking the playground. Everyone in class is surrounding us, eager to see me lose. Where was the teacher? Who knows! When I think back on my life in school, I really wonder where the teachers are. How come they didn't do more for me? Anyway...we grip hands, across from one another and begin the arm wrestle.

After about 5 seconds of struggle, I slap his knuckles down on the table, with no problem. I was shocked at how easy it was. So was everyone else. So we did it a second time. Again, I bruise his knuckles on the round table top with no problem. I feel like he wasn't even trying to combat me. The girls loved it: the boys denied it. "It's a trick," the boys say.

Then in grade 8, gym class, we're taught to wrestle. I was paired with an ex-friend, named David, who is considered to be very strong and masculine. We were good friend before junior high. We hung out together. He was the first guy with whom I slept over at his place. He showed himself to me naked, got a hard on, and we played with each other's dicks. Even at 12 years old, he had a big cock. It was fun to jerk him off. And he smelled good. Something happened over the summer, and he decided to ignore me. Now we were forced to wrestle each other during gym class.

Like DogPoet expresses, it was a smaller room, with lots of padded walls and mats. So we began wrestling - David was good. He nearly got me. But because of my gymnastic training, I managed to throw my legs over his head and neck, and throw him over, and pin him down. I felt bad about beating him, because I had feelings for him. After all, he let me jerk his big cock. But, I managed to beat every boy in the class in wrestling. Meanwhile, in typing class, I did over 60 words per minute, on a manual typewriter. Everyone was confused.

In grade 9 we were taught gymnastics. I knew, by this time, that being a gymnast was very gay. So I couldn't show off my talents in this realm (I was competing in gymnastics). Also, I was at a different school. So I pretended that I couldn't do gymnastics. When we had to do a forward roll on the mat, I'd make it look awful. When we swung on the parallel bars, I didn't point my toes, and I made it seem that I found it difficult to do (meanwhile, I could do a handstand on them, and many other complicated moves). So I faked it, and made myself look like every other guy in the class. We were measured for fitness ability, and I got grade A marks. I could do at least 40 chinups, and my body/fat was measured at 6%.

Finally, at the end of the class, I told the gym instructor that I was a gymnast, and could do a lot more than he asked us to do. I told him I was faking my ability, because I didn't want to be teased by the other guys. So I met with him, after school, and showed him what I could do. I did my double back handsprings, followed by a full out backsommersault, and more. He was freaked out. But he understood why I hid my talent.

There's far more incidences of me beating "the straight people" with my physical abilities...but I'll leave it for another post.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Semi-Rape Fantasies
I don't think I've ever posted or written about this, but it needs to be heard/remembered, in my blog diary.

After BC went to Saltspring Island with me, one summer, for a couple of romantic months together, we were staying at a luxurious, Italian-inspired bed and breakfast. We were having a great time together, touring the island, making food on the B&B barbeque, slapping back the beers and renting DVDs that we'd watch on my laptop in the bedroom when night arrived. We watched a DVD (I can't remember the name of it) because I fell asleep during the whole movie. I know it had Angelina Jolie in it, and it was very sexual. Anyway, I'd been asleep for at least an hour, when I was suddenly awakened by BC, sticking his huge cock up my ass. Unprotected, and without lube. The DVD was no longer playing. BC decided he was very horny, and wanted to fuck me, even though I was passed out on the bed. But he was hard, and started playing with my butt with his cock. I woke up, was in half-awareness, but, his hard cock playing with my butt turned me on. Eventually he managed to stick his whole dick up my ass, while we were laying on our sides. I have to admit, it was hot. I don't know if he thought I was awake or semi-awake or unconscious...he simply decided to fuck my butt and he was passionate about it, and it did turn me on.

The next time he fucked me, was mostly when I was unconscious, after he returned from Saltspring Island, after having sexual relationships with a gay couple he met there. Again, look in the archives. It's very sad, the whole story. We went out to straight clubs later, with a gorgeous straight woman, then went to a gay club, and BC and I ended up at my place to "sleep." I was ready to sleep - too much booze - but he was very horny, and ended up turning me onto my back, lifting my legs, and sticking his HUGE cock up my ass, when I wasn't really ready. It hurt like hell, but felt good at the same time. He fucked me like an animal. Again, without lube. It hurt like hell, but to be honest, I LOVED it. It was so hot seeing BC get so passionate, about sticking his huge cock up my ass, and loving it.

In the "end" I remember these sessions as being very hot. They're sexual fantasies. It's a raw, but a true, experience.

Friday, May 07, 2004

A run-on sentence of love
today I bought an album that reminded me of you, and when playing it, i remembered playing an album for you, in my car, when we went to saltspring island and were staying at a bread and breakfast together as lovers, and i think maybe we smoked a joint, i can't remember, but i played two songs for your from delerium, which i love, and you listened with me, quietly, without saying a word, and it was just the two of us, side by side, listening, in the car over the powerful stereo at night, when no lights were visible, and i was imagining that you were feeling the song like i was, but maybe you were just being patient or kind, but after the song was done, i felt like you had heard it through my ears, and expressed that you loved it as much as me but since you tended to tell me what I wanted to hear, who knows if you were telling me the truth, but at the time, i thought you told me the truth and it made me feel so close to you and so now, even though it's almost a year and a half of not talking to you, i remember that moment and i wonder if it's true and if you loved me as much as i loved you and you probably didn't. anyway, thank you for that moment. maybe sometime i will be able to experience such a moment with someone.. that is authentic?

what do you do with these moments? were they not important to you? do you not remember them? i guess they're not real for you. were there any moments with me that you can't forget, were meaningful to you? do you ever miss me? i somehow doubt it beause of the way you cheated on me, and met a new boyfriend while we were together. you said i was important to you, but probably not in the way you were important to me, because you could move on to someone else, without a single tear.

anyway, i forgive you and still love you.

Thursday, May 06, 2004

Marriage, Salmon and African-American Sex
Cowboy's partner came to visit last week. (Cowboy is my new roommate.) I'll call him "Phil." He's very nice and I'm gave them the whole Vancouver tour. We drove all over Vancouver, and ended up in Horseshoe Bay, a beautiful seaside town and had an amazing dinner overlooking the ocean. I had the 8 ounce salmon, marinated in Maple syrup, with a spicy papaya salsa. Delicious! (My recipe is better though...)

Marinate your salmon in equal parts of orange juice and soya sauce, with a teaspoon of ketchup, tons of crushed garlic, and a little salt and pepper to taste. Bake or barbeque. It is truly the best I've ever had.


Cowboy and Phil got married during his visit to Canada. Phil plans to move here in June and set up house together with Cowboy. I wish them the best.

Phil mentioned he had a couple of black (or should I say African-American?) boyfriends, and for some reason that set me off on a tangent. I've never been with an African-American man. I'd like to be. One of my last roommates was AA, but I wasn't attracted to him. Phil's comment was like an internet virus that got into me. I found myself looking online at AA men, fantasizing. So I decided it was time for me to meet one. So I did.

He is very attractive, muscular and has a nicely sized dick - about 8-9 inches and thick. A sweet guy. Really, I don't know what the whole fantasy was about. It wasn't any different from having sex with a Caucasian guy, with a nicely sized dick.
Not as big as BC, but big enough. I suppose that fantasies are usually more interesting than reality, in general.

I did like his curly black, trimmed underarm hair, and crotch hair. It was cute. I liked his buzz-cut scalp. Thick lips, and small ears. His artful tattoos across his lower and upper back. He was very uncut, and his balls and cock were quite dark. But then, I like lots of things.

I've probably said too much and offended too many people to say anything more. Obviously, I really don't know what I'm talking about, in terms of AA culture, so I need to shut up now. But really, it was nice.

Sunday, May 02, 2004

Wreck Beach
At the University of British Columbia, here in Vancouver, there's a world-famous nude beach, named "Wreck Beach." It's only about 10 minutes away from where I live. To get there, you have to walk down a terraced cliff. It takes about 10-15 minutes. You're in the midst of gigantic cedar trees, fauna and flora. It's very beautiful and unspoiled. Once you get down the cliff, you're meeted by a HUGE sandy beach, and the most spectacular view of the ocean and outlying Gulf Islands.

All over the beach are nudists, ex-hippies, hippies, and people of all callings. Both men and women. They're either wearing nothing, or some have a shirt on, and nothing else. All kinds of drugs are sold freely, by people who walk up and down the beach selling their wares, calling out "marijuana brownies," or "West coast mushrooms" or "beer and cola." Sometimes you get exotic drinks, like martinis or Blow Jobs. You can buy marijuana by the joint, or by the bag. Same with mushrooms. Some Wreck Beachers set up tents, where they sell Mexican fahitas, or tofu hotdogs. Everyone is a little drunk or stoned.

It's not legal, of course. But because, in Canada, university lands are only allowed to be policed by the RCMP (who don't show up very often), so mostly everyone gets away with it.

There is a gay section at the main Wreck Beach, by the rocks on the southern side, where both hot and unattractive gay men lay naked, looking to get laid. Or they're admiring the straight body builders who come to Wreck Beach, or the large penises of Wreck Beachers, that dangle so deliciously.

But the main gay area is even more south of the main Wreck Beach. To get there, you go down another terraced cliff. You have to walk about 15 minutes of trails to find the main areas. Here, gay men freely lay about nude, checking each other out. But the whole area around there is gay, and full of outdoor sex. You see guys sucking each other, in the open, or fucking. There are a lot of exhibitionists involved. They enjoy being watched, and often a crowd congregates in front of a couple who are sucking or fucking. There's lots of maze-like trails in the bush, where guys can get it off together. I've seen almost everything, I think. It's not just ugly, nasty old guys doing it - you see hot studs getting off too. It's truly a Canadian West Coast experience.

I'm not into outdoor, anonymous sex myself, but I must admit...I enjoy watching it. And is there anything more glorious than laying naked on a sandy beach, in the hot sand? I think not.

Thursday, April 29, 2004

Two Sites that Give Me a Hard-0n

There are two sites that instantly give me a hard-on. One is...Sean Cody. I bought a membership last year, for one month, and watched all the movies available at this time. I was jerking off at least three times a day, as a result. I had my laptop plugged into my highspeed internet connection on my bed, and when I woke up, I watched a movie. Then there was mid-afternoon jerk-off, then of course, before sleep jerk-off. Since I didn't have a boyfriend at the time, it was virtually satisfying.

The site is run by an ex-Mormon, who really knows how to pick his boys, and set up sexually arousing situations with them. And he knows how to hold his camera to get the most enticing shots. I think it's the "uncut" aspect of his pornos that make it so arousing. There's no lighting technicians, or writers, or complicated behind-the-scenes things that keep us from seeing unadulterated sex between "so called straight and bisexual and gay men" who are very hot. I don't care if the men are straight. Sure, it adds a little heightened fantasy behind it. But I love seeing these hot guys suck, fuck and cum on video. It's unscripted, for the most part. So it's so sexy to be a voyeur into this moment, on video.

There's a panoply of men, from a 40-year-old "DILF" to a 19-year-old, all with beautiful bodies, muscular and tight butts, and interestingly shaped and sized dicks, to huge dicks. It has solo jerk off videos to orgies. To one-on-one fuck sessions. From guys who never get fucked, to guys who decide to get fucked, eventually. There's one guy, who reminds me of BC - his name is "Zack." His body and looks are similar. I think his cock is almost as big (but not quite), but I get off on seeing him get sucked and fucked and fuck. A purely virtual turn-on.

I'm not earning any money from telling you about this site. I just think it's the hottest I've seen. If anyone wants to share with me their user name and password, to preview the newest videos, please do! My e-mail.

The other site which is very hot is Straight College Men. Again, it's a similar theme. Straight guys having sex. Yeah, whatever. I know I'm 'sick.' That's why I tend to be attracted to biguys, and am not currently in a relationship. Anyway, the site turns me on. Especially with the discovery of "Dean." He is so juicy. His pecs, his butt, his personality, his skin, his hair, his eyes...he's so fucking yummy! I personally would love to run my tongue over ever cell of his body, every crevice, and personally penetrate that muscular, tight butt of his with my condomed pinky finger (and more). I'd pay big dollars to do it! Anyway, if you want to share with me your user name and password, to perview the newest videos, please do! My e-mail isclick here.

Aaah. I feel so spent. Now I can get down to work.

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Bad Clients

Hi guys. Thanks for your e-mails. They were terrific! I felt good, overall, about deleting my posts. My soul was light. And isn't that the most important thing? I slept well. Sure, I had lots of e-mails saying they loved my sarcasm. On the other hand, I had e-mails from my favourite bloggers saying they respected me. And I have to admit...I'd rather please the bloggers I love. And I love you too, GeekSlut.

Right now, though, I'm in a difficult position. I've got a client who started a job with me five months ago, that's only worth $1800. This is nothing! to me. I can earn more than that easily in a few days. So, this client is like pocket change.

Yet this client is connected to another client who brings in lots of income to me. So there is some shit involved there. Anyway, I underbid myself, in terms of a contract, hopefully getting more work from him. We first met, five months ago. Then it took my client 3 months to get the photo shoot done. Then I did all the work in a week, and it's taken my client two more months to respond, with corrections.

Normally this is not a good sign. When a client takes too long to do things, it means they don't have the money to pay me. Yes, I got the 50% deposit. But really, taking a simple job, making it run over half a year is too much. The ironic thing is, this client is making millions of dollars. It's not that he can't pay me. He's just too fucking slow to care about my work.

So, I was in a really bad mood on Friday, and called my client, and completely told him what I thought about his communications and business practices. I told him exactly what I thought. I told him, I won't finish the job with him, unless I received payment, immediately.

He e-mailed and called me, said he would do what I want. But I still hate him. I guess I need to call him right now to discuss things.

I'm not so good with this client thing. Unless they respect me, as I respect them, I'll give good services. If they don't, then...fuck off. I got a check today from him. So I guess I need to finish the interaction.

Does anyone else have this problem?

Sunday, April 25, 2004

Change of Heart

I deleted all offending entries today. I did it for several reasons, which I'll explain. I censored myself. It was entirely my decision. I'm not afraid to take criticism, and I invite it...but the thing is, I had a change of heart.

I received an e-mail from the lovely
Mighty Maloney of The Shower Room. He kindly told me that perhaps "I had gone too far," and possibly appeared "immature and desperate." Then he complimented me, and said, after thinking about it, he "gets my sense of humour." It was Mighty Maloney's comment that, "I had gone too far, with one of my posts about "Blog Terr*orism" that got to me. It confirmed what I was feeling myself, and my conscience was bothering me.

So I didn't sleep too well last night. I kept thinking, "Did I go too far?" I woke early after being out late, and did my Sunday morning reading of local newspapers, including the Georgia Straight and Xtra West.

The first thing I read is Xtra West's Editor, Gareth Kirby, who writes, "It seems to me we spend an awful lot of time bitching about each other when we gather... And I must confess that I sometimes get sick of opening up newspapers and reading about yet another thing gone the gay community."

It made me go, "hmmm."

Then I read Ivan E. Coyote's editorial, titled, "Take that: revenge of the high school outcast." Ivan is a lesbian, who looks like a guy and always has, and she finds herself on a plane with 40 teenage girls. When she goes to use the lavatory, walking down the isle towards them, the girls at first start flirting with her, because she looks like a cute boy. But once she gets closer, they realize, to their horror, that "it's" a woman, and they're disgusted. Read it.

The article made me remember being teased at times, as a teenager, and how awful I felt. Am I being the kind of person that hurted me? She ends up confronting them, and even tripping one as she gets off the plane. Not a highly evolved response, but a real one, nevertheless.

Savage Love, by Dan Savage, is the column I next read.

In one of his diatribes, he writes, "...I understand why straight men hold straight women in contempt. I also understand why straight women hold straight men in contempt. And I understand why gay men hold gay men in contempt, lesbians hold lesbians in contempt, and bisexuals hold everybody in contempt. We all have to make ourselves vulnerable to people we find attractive. And making ourselves vulnerable means getting hurt. A cruel sexual putdown, a toxic boyfriend/girlfriend, an abusive spouse, a devastatingly bad breakup or divorce, contracting an STD, a total asshole hiding under the bed - those experiences can be terribly scarring. Even people who haven't had bad romantic experiences develop a sort of anticipatory contempt for the people they find attractive. Allowing ourselves to feel and express a little contempt makes us feel a little less vulnerable. So straight men call straight women bitches, straight women will call straight men assholes, gay men call other gay men whores, et cetera. Everybody does it.

But the mark of all healthy adults - all adults worthy of sex and human intimacy - is that their expressions of contempt are designed to blow off stream, manage their fears, exorcise their demons, and get it all out of their systems before they have to interact with anyone sexually."

While Dan Savage wasn't saying we can't be bitchy, he did indicate that the reason for it is based in self-protection. Of course, we've all been hurt, are afraid of getting hurt, and so putting up a false barrier, based on sarcasm and bitchiness, helps us to feel more powerful.

So, I thought to myself, "I don't need to be bitchy and sarcastic."

What is complicated, though, is knowing when to be bitchy and sarcastic, and when not to be. Dan Savage is one of the most bitchy and sarcastic assholes who's ever written a sex column. But he manages to be entertaining, insightful and honest. Where is the line between being simply honest and being reactive?

Why is it that bloggers are allowed to be bitchy and sarcastic when writing about non-bloggers. But they become so offended when one blogger criticizes another blogger?

Isn't it hypocritical to be bitchy and sarcastic about others who do not have sites, so they'll never know what you said, but it's considered bad blog etiquette to be direct about your opinions about other bloggers, who have sites, and can see your opinions?

Being bitchy and sarcastic is an important aspect to our culture. We're able to critique others, ideas, concepts, politics and so on, in a manner that is entertaining yet insightful. It helps to keep democracy in-line. It makes us laugh about ourselves, if we can keep a sense of humour about ourselves. I guess it's fun to read about others, but never ourselves.

Lastly, I read, a review of the Dalai Lama's "Tips for a Healthy Buddha and Soul." The Dalai Lama visited Vancouver last week, admist a flurry of media attention. So Gail Johnson wrote an editorial in the Georgia Straight about his visit. She quotes him as saying, "Buddhists aspire to cultivate altruistic, awakening minds. The foundation of true happiness is warmheartedness...Cultivate good heart and nurture it. The altruistic, awakening mind will relate to all sentient beings from a perspective of compassion, [will] see the value and preciousness of each living being...By pursuing the ethics of compassion, the individual will attain freedom from unenlightened mind."

I can't argue with that. His statement makes me feel like pure shit.

So, because I genuinely care about the other bloggers I have criticized (even though I thought I was doing it humorously)...they were hurt...I don't want them to feel hurt...I deleted all those entries. I'm still not clear on the ethics of when to be critical, when to be sarastic, when to be bitchy. There's much hypocrisy involved, that still hasn't been clarified. There are benefits to being a "snarky cunt" (thanks to 'you know who' for that fabulous term) because we let off steam, and hopefully open ourselves to intimacy.

I can't say I won't ever be sarcastic, critical and bitchy again. That's my right (and it's so much fun and satisfying!) But for today, this is the right decision for me. Let me know what you think!

Thursday, April 22, 2004

Intertextual Drag

How it happened.
I've never been interested in drag. But one Halloween, three friends of mine convinced me to dress up in drag, along with them. "It'll be fun," they promised. None of us had ever done it before. So I went to a costume store, and tried on several dresses, and I just looked horrible! My body is more square, than curvaceous, so I just looked like a guy in drag. I wouldn't be caught dead in public looking this bad.

I was about to give up when I read an ad in Xtra West. A local, well-known drag queen would do a "makeover" for a fee. I contacted him, and wow, did he deck me out! I went to his apartment, along with my boyfriend who documented with photography my transformation. At first I thought I'd made a mistake. The drag queen smothered my face with cream, then dusted a white powder over my entire face and neck. I looked near death. Then he drew in eyebrows, cheek bones and an Angelina Jolie mouth. It was when he stuck on the blond wig that things came together. Then he lent me a crystal encrusted necklace and earrings, a sequined dress, fishnet stockings, and pumps. Last to go on were the long red nails.

I looked like my sister wearing too much make-up!

It was the oddest experience. I now realize why gurls want doors opened for them. They're in pure hell, wearing high heels while fearing that their dress is out of place. I couldn't open doors without breaking nails. I could feel my flashy earrings bounce every time I moved my head.

I tried calling my friends to meet up with them, but couldn't get a hold of them! I went to one gay club, and the drag queens there looked me up and down. One said, "Nice, you're new, aren't you?" I couldn't find my friends. I walked down Davie Street with people whooping and hollering at me. When I drove in my car, and ended up at a red light, the people in the car next to me would be staring at me.

After spending a few hours getting dragged up, I never got a hold of my friends, so I went home with my boyfriend, who photographed me. Finally, I got rid of all the drag shit, took a shower, and had man sex with him. By the way, the first picture is titled, "Me and my pussy." The second, "Wife beater" (I'm holding an egg beater).

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

I had a wonderful long Easter weekend, here in Vancouver. Gorgeous, temperature-breaking weather, being on the beach, hiking and exploring the mountains and hugging giant cedars.

When I got back I read my favourite blogs, and had to physically stop myself from responding, in very "German-style" comments. Germans, from Germany, tend to be very direct in their comments. I'm from the West Coast, so I've learned to stop myself (usually) to responding and being truthful. So all of my favourite bloggers have angered and irritated me with their recent bloggings. ("How can you be so stupid?") I was about to post my honest opinions about what you've been up to, and stopped myself! So I've probably won popularity votes but not honesty votes. I really want to tell all of you how fucked up you are!

But then I remembered...I'm just as fucked up. I've made all the same mistakes. Who am I to pretend I'm better than you?

I can't. All I can do is thank you for your honesty. Smooches.

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

The transformational experience has faded, so I'm back to my normal self...I think.

My first gay boyfriend came for a visit to Vancouver, and we had a great time. We have a lot in common, and get along very well. He cheated on me when we were together, so we broke up, then he went to grad school in a different city, but somehow we've remained best friends over the past - oh my gosh! - 17 years!!! That number is scary. Keep in mind that I'm counting from the date when we first met.

He's still hot, even though he's 46 years old. He's 7 years older than me. He has NO gray hair, has never coloured his hair, and his body is still flawless - it looks like a 25-year-old. No wrinkles on his body, no flab, perfect skin, hairless. It's truly phenomenal.

I've joked he has a painting in his attic, somewhere.

He slept on a mattress in my bedroom, and walked around in his boxers, so I got to see his body. He always had the hottest butt, and seemed to keep bending over around me to show it off, so I slapped it several times. But I'd never have sex with him again. It's odd - he can be attractive but repulsive at the same time. Maybe it would seem have sex with him again? It's been so long. I don't think I'll go there.

We had a great time exploring Vancouver, going to art galleries, walking on the dozens of beaches. The weather has been remarkable - sunny, warm, few clouds. It was ideal.

While he was here, I had dreams about all of my three other boyfriends - deep dreams...the ones you wake up from, and remember, and affect you emotionally. The kind of dreams that make you remember why you loved being with him. I must have been doing a boyfriend-spring cleansing in my psyche. He left on Sunday.

I've got an amazingly hot student in my class. He's Italian. He's got charisma. He's strikingly intelligent. He also has the most sparkling, light-reflecting, glass-cutting blue eyes you've ever seen under long black eye lashes and bushy brows. He knows he's better looking than Tom Cruise. Well, maybe he doesn't know it, but his energy is pure sexuality, that makes even the best looking guy feel inadequate. I had him in my class last term, as well. He's so HOT that he doesn't seem to have made close friends with any of the females or males in the class. He's so sweet looking, but his energy is intense. When you're around him, you just feel like mush. How can you have a conversation with him when your mind has crashed and you need to reboot?

When the instructors met to grade his term project presentation, all of us - both male and a female - kept going on about how gorgeous he is. It was difficult to differentiate between his intelligence and looks. One of the female instructions kept swooning when talking about him. "Blue eyes, blue eyes" is all she said. She's married and a professional. They're not your usual blue eyes - these are like sapphires. Just so you know.

He speaks from his groin. When he talks to you, you feel a tingling in your groin. It's deep, powerful and confident. He could be saying, "Where is the pop machine?" and you get turned on. His voice rumbles in your body, causing vibrations in your groin. This is what I had to deal with on Monday. I was talking with all the girls during break, then he came out to talk with us, all on his own. It seemed like he wanted to connect with the girls, but they were all ignoring him, probably because he's so overwhelmingly attractive. And my student girls are SEXY.

So I started a boring conversation with him, lost my mind, sounded stupid, and nearly got a hard on. I think that's how people interact with him. He could tell I sounded stupid, silly and turned on, and he's used to it, and basically fluffed it off and repressed his awareness of it.

He's a bit tragic, being so HOT, everyone afraid to talk to him, and that somehow adds to his attractiveness. Also, I do know about another tragic event that happened in his life over the past four months, which makes me want to coddle and nurture him. And everyone else in the class knows about it, which makes them uncomfortable and want to comfort him.

I tried my best to interact with him. He got bored with the sexual tension from me, and all the girls. And casually went back to the classroom. It must be Hard to be so HOT.

I bought a lip moisturizer called "Modele." It cost me $40. It's supposed to thicken your lips, like Angelina Jolie. I'm applying it, obsessively, several times a day. I have a bad habit of biting my bottom lip when I think, so it has restored the moisture to my lips, and hopefully, will restore my lips to their true fullness. Check it out at

Sunday, April 04, 2004

Words without a meaning, just fading away
I just spent three hours, crafting a blog, that attempted to explain the rich personal experience and transformation I've gone through in the last few days. I've decided to ditch my attempt. Sometimes, words have no meaning. Only silence must be heard.

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

A Messy Situation
My new roommate has arrived. He seems very nice. But I found out that he left his boyfriend of three years, back in Ohio, in order to pursue a more prestigious job here in Vancouver. They weren't breaking up...I think Cowboy thought he'd be happier in his new job, and could eventually apply to have his boyfriend immigrate to Canada. As a result, Cowboy is very depressed and lonely without his boyfriend. And so far, he's bored at his new job. He told me he'd give the job two weeks before going back to Ohio.

There's a significant difference between the East and West Coasts in terms of work attitudes. Here on the West Coast, we go much slower, make decisions less quickly, and things take more time. There's too much natural beauty here, by which to be distracted. So far he hasn't done any work, and he's been in his job for a week.

Cowboy left to work on Monday morning, and I was at my computer. I thought I'd do a morning jerk-off, watching a little porn flick, before I had to shower and go teach. There's something about this porno that really turns me on. It's rather rude to discuss. But I will, anyway.

A very hot looking Italian guy, with muscles and a hairy chest is being sucked off by a muscular bald stud, while being held from behind by another muscular dude, who is playing with his nipples, and is slapping them, then rubbing them.

In the next scene, the Italian guy is bent over and the bald guy is fucking him from behind. He's got great technique - slow, then fast, pulling out and so on. The Italian guy is groaning and hard and is obviously loving it.

Then the bald guy pulls out and immediately the muscular dude comes in and fucks him, without hardly missing a beat. He fucks fast and furious, and the Italian guy is bouncing back and forward.

I always come at exactly the moment the second guy fucks the Italian guy. I'm not sure why - perhaps I'm twisted, a little. But the idea is getting me off right now. So I came (furiously) while sitting at my computer, and my love potion spilled out on my keyboard. Now my numbers 1, 2 and 3 don't work.

I thought, "ew, gross" and didn't want to clean it up, because I was running a bit late. And forgot all about it.

Later in the evening, I was home with Cowboy, telling him about a Web site he should know about. He sat down at my computer and started typing in the site address when his fingers got all wet and sticky...

What can I say? It was a messy situation. And very embarrassing. Boys, remember to clean up.

Monday, March 22, 2004

Public Transit
My car ran out of insurance and it needs a tune-up, even though I got one just six months ago. So I'll need to wait a few weeks before I can afford to buy insurance and afford garage work. What a drag! The scorge of being mostlyself-employed and wanting to avoid credit! (i.e. cheques come in two weeks from clients.)

I started teaching a new course today, and had to take PUBLIC TRANSIT to get to work. It takes me at least an hour or more to get there by PUBLIC TRANSIT. No more waking up at the last minute to shower and jump in my car...listening to music while I drink my morning coffee, casually. I have to plan ("what time does it arrive?, when does it connect?, which skytrain must I take?"), wait for PUBLIC TRANSIT, sit and interact with hundreds of germy, viral other grimy transit passengers. I must grasp onto stainless steel poles when the bus lurches, picking up the colds, flus and other nasties that have contaiminated it. Sit next to lecherous, smelly and coughing passengers who aggressively take over the seating, making me sit half on my rear, the other hanging off, so I don't have to touch them. Feeling guilty when a senior citizen gets on the bus - I end up standing to give them the seat.

So I armed myself with a CD player, some great tunes, headphones wrapped around my ears to tune everyone else out,, taking PUBLIC TRANSIT was F-U-N-!

First of all, at 8:15am while waiting for the bus, was the 6'3" blond boy with blue eyes, recently short cropped hair, naturally big muscular thighs in jeans wearing a t-shirt, who was listening to his CD player. He got on the bus with me, and I bet he was about 23. I sat behind him, salivating. He opened his school work, and it was musical scores. I got the impression he was listening to the musical scores of the CD he was listening to, because he seemed to get into it, occassionally, by nodding his head. I noticed he had large hands, long fingers. He had short-cut nails, and his index finger nail (on the side) had a bit of blood coagulated on the side of his nail. His upper body was slim, but his legs and thighs and feet were huge. He wore big hiking boots. He looked both delicate and masculine simultaneously. Sweet and hot at the same time. It engaged my attention the whole trip to the skytrain (which in Vancouver terms means the subway).

Then I got onto the skytrain (Vancouver's subway). A 6'4" German god was already on the train. Standing up. He looked about 30 something. We kept looking at each other, surreptitiously. He looked like my first lover - Stu (see past posts). I saw him standing from the back. His perfect athletic body. His golden wheat coloured hair. Square-curved butt. Then he assertively turned around, looked at me, and sat down with his huge thighs, widely parted, facing me, only a few feet away. He kept looking at me, furtively. I looked at him, furtively. He looked at me, furtively. I looked at him, furtively.

Then he got off. The skytrain, I mean.

I taught my seven hours 'straight' (with school, I mean), then got back on PUBLIC TRANSIT.

And was entertained by 6'3" dark haired, classic, jock boy. He was with a young Asian female, who was probably his lover, because he had his arms around her. But I didn't care. He seemed to notice me anyway. You know what I mean? There's hot "straight" guys, who notice "hot gay guys" on the level that makes me think they have:

1. gaydar
2. are somewhat gay themselves
3. love being appreciated by guys

Whatever the case, I noticed he had those very short socks on, underneath his Nikes. He was so tall and so godlike, that when he sat down, his very short socks revealed his sexy, athletic ankles, because his jeans kind of like, edged up toward his groin. I'm sure it wasn't intentional. He also had no hair on his face, no hair sticking out anywhere, his arm hair was well groomed, he was pure gay sexuality, unless straight guys are getting WAY better looking.

I had a good time going home on PUBLIC TRANSIT. There were so many sexual innuendos - I've only mentioned three - there were so many more - that taking PUBLIC TRANSIT, almost makes it worthwhile.

Wednesday, March 17, 2004


I was 28 before I realized that once every month the moon is invisible in the sky - I think it's called the "new moon." I was shocked!

My favourite flower is the tulip. The gorgeous colours, the fleshy moist petals, the protruding thingys that stick up, and they smell incredible. I was amazed when I found out that many people believe that a tulip has no scent! It has the most wonderful, delicate and sweet tulipy scent.

Every spring, I'm amazed by the number and variety of flowering flowers, trees and bushes. There are incredible pink rose flowering trees, outrageous yellow tree blossoms, snow white droplet trees, African-inspired, exotic, red, blossoming bushes. 17th century skirt-inspired flowers on hedges. Burning violet-purple bushies. Delicate and transluscent Hawaiian flowers. Every spring I think, I've never seen them before, and how wonderous they are. It's like spring is saying, "Hello! We're alive and we're beautiful - isn't life beautiful and precious? Let's burst full of life and all engage in its sumptuousness!"

I didn't learn about luminesence until I was 28 - just like the "new moon." Isn't it awesome?

I didn't realize that so many guys love being a bottom until I was 28. In fact, they're proud of being a bottom, and self-identify as such. I love 'em.

I didn't learn how to suck cock well, until I was 35. How weird and unfortunate is that? BC (10") taught me.

I've never used a dildo on myself, and never will. I want the real thing. I like using them on others though, if they find it exciting. But usually they like my real thing.

This is weird and embarrassing, but I will admit it. I have lots of pre-cum. My first three lovers didn't like my pre-cum. They complained about it and made me feel bad about it. Like I was disformed, or something. But BC LOVED my precum. Since then I've discovered that many guys like pre-cum. It's fun to play with and rub with. So now I feel great about my pre-cum. Yea!

That last confession suggests I should write about my uncut cock. First of all, I didn't think about it at all for decades. No one brought it up. I don't have a lot of foreskin. When I'm hard, you can't see any foreskin. Perhaps I'm semi-uncut? I don't look like those European or Brazilian guys. Then there's this whole issue with keeping your uncut cock clean. I've never had an infection or any problem with it. So I really don't know what people are talking about. Does it make me more sensitive? I don't think so. I think that's a myth. A good blow job is all you need, regardless if you're cut or uncut. I have no preference, unless the uncut cock is "stuck" to the penis, and you can't move it. Which my third partner, the Stone Angel, had. It was yucky.

There's so much ephemera that I could write about, but that's probably "too much information" for now.

Monday, March 15, 2004

My Perfect Match
I tried the quiz from's physical attraction test, mentioned by Mighty Maloney. It was fun to do! And I think it's quite accurate. It gave me the following two pictures, and yes, I'd have to say, I find these two guys extremely sexy. It surprised me, because I've never dated anyone who looked like this (although I've fantasized about it).

Here's the rest of the information they gave me:

Favorite Looks
A subgroup of men you picked can only be described as "Hunks." They have a clean-cut, "All-American" look. They're very handsome, without being either "pretty" or overly "rugged." Their face shape and jawline are typically very masculine and strong, while the "inner face" brings more delicate features like a small to medium nose, beautiful eyes, and full lips. It's a balance between the masculine and the feminine that make these guys so irresistible. In fact, these guys have been chased after all their lives, by 1 in 3 men (35%).
You also liked guys that could easily pass as "Football Quarterbacks." They have strong, masculine faces, framed by a square jaw. They're also obviously strong guys with muscular necks. Still, they have a clean-cut "All-American" look and are handsome enough to shine on camera after the game as well! About 1 in 4 men (28%) found this "look" especially attractive.

Favorite Face Type
Faces known scientifically as "Ecto-Mesomorph" repeatedly caught your eye. Men express this type in two ways. One version has a rectangular face shape that is long and narrow. The other type's face shape is often compared to a diamond, because it is wide at the cheeks and then has a sharply angled jaw. All Ecto-Mesomorph men have striking chins that are prominent and squared-off with a crisp line at the base. This is one of the most idealized male face types and can be found on most movie and music idols. It can hold either bold masculine features or more delicate handsome features, or some sexy combination of both. These men also tend to have lean and muscular builds when they're young. About 57% of other men especially prefer men with this face type.

If there's anyone out there that looks like this, contact me!

Thursday, March 11, 2004

I've had a couple of psychic dreams in my life. The first, when I was about 16 years old, was a dream about a brick wall falling on top of children due to high winds. I dreamt it happened in a shopping mall. Because the dream was so vivid, I told my family about the dream. The next day, the news reported that a firewall (made of brick) fell over due to high winds at an elementary school, killing several children. That freaked us all out!

When I was 28 I dreamt I was watching a tv news show, that reported an earthquake on January 20th, 1994. I was living in Vancouver at the time and was worried about earthquakes happening here. I thought it would happen in Vancouver. My dream happened about a month and a half before the due date. I told all my friends. We were all freaked out when there was an earthquake in Los Angeles on January 17th!

Okay, so here's my prediction. I believe that Mount Rainier will blow, as a volcano, at the beginning of October this year. I felt this very strongly two years ago when I was on Saturna Island at the beginning of October. I looked across the ocean and saw Mount St. Helen, and it "came to me" that Mount Rainier would blow at this time in the next two years. So, it has now been written here, to either make a fool out of me, or to prove that I predicted it.

Another scary prediction was made by psychic Sylvia Browne that Florida would experience a tidal wave some time in May. She made the prediction on the radio show "Coast to Coast AM." She didn't say how it would be set off, but that she felt there was a strong probability. Let's hope it doesn't come true!

Have you ever predicted anything?

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

My Mom
I'm not sure why, but I've been thinking about my mother a lot recently. I haven't seen my family in over two years and I miss them all. They're all amazing, but I definitely have an amazing mother!

Whenever I think of her, I automatically have a smile on my face, and remember all the fun times with her. She doesn't conform to any typical ideas of a mother. When she married my father she was an unmarried woman with an illegitimate daughter (my oldest sister). She got pregnant from her boyfriend from high school, which was a major shocker back in those days. She was also voted the most beautiful and popular in her high school graduating class.

My father was studying to be a doctor when they met, and after getting married, my dad had a "calling" and became a minister, which was the last thing she intended to marry. She wasn't at all religious. She swears, can be hilariously vulgar, is flirtatious, and speaks her mind. Ironically, the church congregations loved her, because she was so untypically the "minister's wife." My mother is never false, and she lives her life true to her own values and morals.

She talks, a lot. Ever since I was a child when she was pushing me in my stroller, she talked to me. As a teenager, we would suntan in the backyard together, and she'd talk. She's a brilliant and interesting talker - she can make every topic interesting. My sisters talk a lot also, but I was more quiet and introspective. To this day, I love people who are engaging orators. I love to listen. I listen to talk radio, because it reminds me of being with my Mom...being talked to. It's relaxing for me.

My Mom is a super-mom. She's very intelligent and creative (she studied ballet, voice and music), she's a great writer, and everything she put her mind to she accomplished. She has major managerial skills, can organize anything but above all, she loves to entertain and love people. At the same time, she's a perfectionist and expects the best from people.

I remember when I was about 9 years old, us kids had made a mess with all of our toys around the house. She got a phone call from a parishioner who was going to come over within 30 minutes. She didn't want the parishioner to see our place a mess, so she made a game out of cleaning things up. She gathered us kids together and said, "We need to make this place look tidy within 20 minutes!" We were laughing and giggling while pushing our toys into closets, under the bed, putting dirty dishes into cupboards and so on. It was so dramatic! We managed to get the house looking good by the time the parishioner came over.

I remember sitting at the diningroom table with my mom and sisters, while she was sewing. My little sister was just born. But she had all of us around her, while she was sewing, entertaining us with wonderful talk and conversation.

My Mom knew all about cooking, and owned every tool on the planet related to cooking, and she could cook a brilliant meal when having guests. But overall, she hated cooking. When I was a teenager, the favourite thing that she would make me for lunch was creamed asparagus on toast. We shared this special love together.

My mother drove us all over everywhere. All the time, from when we were children to when we were teens. As an adult, I found out that she drove us as kids when her driving license was invalid for several years. Typical of my mother's radical nature. She loved to tease us, by pushing on the breaks unexpectedly, or turning a corner quickly, making us fly around the car, causing adrenaline and laughs. It was like a roller coaster. We loved it.

We loved to hang out with my mother on her bed, watching tv, while giving her scalp massages. She loved having her scalp massaged, with nails, very hard. We also used tweezers to pluck out her grey hairs. She had the occasional pimple on her back, which I'd squeeze for her. She loved it when it hurt. She returned the favour when I was a teen.

When I was sick and stayed home from school, she would let me cuddle up in her bed watching tv, and make us milk shakes and ice cream sundaes with marshmellow and chocolate topping. Secretly, she loved it when we were home from school and had people to talk to.

When my mother was going through something emotionally (she'd never discuss this with us) she'd play the piano for three hours in the evening. I remember falling asleep to her playing Chopin, Bach or many other wonderful tunes. She studied piano at university.

My mother and father never argued in front of us.

When I was 15, my mother found a pack of "cigarettes" in my bedroom. They were actually herbal cigarettes (I can't remember their name now) but they smelled like marijuana, which she had never smoked. She brought them with her to work, and while on her break, she smoked one in the back room. She nearly got fired, because the owner thought she was smoking pot. She laughs about it to this day.

My Mom makes every holiday into a memorable event. My dad, as a minister, was as poor as a church mouse, but my Mom managed to save money all year long, and make our Christmas the most amazing celebration of consumption. We had presents galore, and my father was upset by it, but he always gave in to my mother, because she had strong ideals. We had Lent calendars which started a month before Christmas, with special gifts for each day. Easter, Thanksgiving and Valentine's Day were momentous, with family gatherings and dinner. My Mom made me heart shaped sandwiches for lunch, cut out with her cookie cutters. I had heart shaped cakes.

For birthdays, we were allowed to choose our cake and menu. It was "our day." I loved fruit salads (ha-ha) and Angel Food Cake. So that's what we'd have.

Okay, so now I'm crying. It was something about that last entry that affected me. It's no wonder I don't have a partner. How can any person ever live up to my Mom and Dad? I grew up expecting that others would be as loving and terrific, but they're not. Most of my other boyfriends haven't had such great parents.

Nevertheless, I wouldn't give up my experience for anything.

I love you, Mom.

Monday, March 08, 2004

It's time for a well-rounded blog-comment from yours truly. I've been contentious, lately. As Marshall McLuhan said, "The medium is the message." And I've been manipulated by the medium, known as "blogging," to craft some very one-sided messages.

Originally, what I loved about blogging, was the multi-perspective delivery of communications in which bloggers communicated their lives. What I related to, from the beginning, is how a blogger could be, "good - bad," "moralistic - slutty," "intelligent - stupid," "educated - ignorant," "vain - self-undermining," "sexy - ugly," "Christian - blasphemous," "boring fascinating," "political - social," "sexy - infecting."

What I realize now, is that I honour the fact that there is a dichotomy. Tell me your truth. I'll hear it.

Friday, March 05, 2004

Some of my favourite bloggers

Clever, humorous, honest, real, sexy. I check his blog site first, daily. Because I know I'm going to get a laugh, feel something, or just immerse myself in his 'being.' I can relate to him.

Clever, humorous, honest, real, sexy, and sweet. I feel protective of him. He reminds me of myself when I first "came out." Also, he has an amazing way of using language - using that Southern-influence. Plus, he insists, he's Christian. I'm too direct to entirely "get" him, but I love him anyway. He lists his links in alphabetical order, which indicates he is probably Virgo.

He's new, he's honest, he's real, he's sexy, I can't get my mind off his woody in his boxer shorts, he's muscular, he's educated, he's super-intelligent. He's a great writer.

Funny, brilliant, sexy and clever beyond belief. He's not as slutty as I'd like him to be though. So that's why he's last on my list. He tries his best to be slutty, but he's got a boyfriend.

Wet Dreaming
Hot, sexy, fun, clever, visual, once married with daughter, lives on an island, plus partnered with a hot guy - the blogger I want to be. Hasn't any sexual hang-ups.

Thursday, March 04, 2004

New roommate coming

After living alone for the last four months, I realized I needed the extra income, so went looking for a roommate to share my house for March. I prefer living alone, and it's a bit daunting to live with someone I don't know (it's even daunting to live with someone I do), but I put up my posters at the usual hot spots. Then on the web I came across It allows advertise, post pictures and so on and thought I'd give it a try. The next day I had a message from a guy with a handle called "vaquero." It obviously sounds Spanish, so I looked it up on the web and found out it means "cowboy."

So I'll call my new roommate "cowboy." He's currently living in Ohio, but moving to Vancouver because he has a new job beginning April 1 at a university near my house. He's a biogenetics engineer. He's got a master's education and is originally from Mexico. We talked on the phone a few times, and he's got a lovely Spanish accent. He sent me a couple pictures and looks like handsome enough guy. So he's moving in the third week of March.

I love having a roommate who's never been in Vancouver before, because I get to play tour guide to this beautiful city (Vancouver was just nominated the third best place to live in the world by Conde Nast magazine, down from number one for the past two times). I think I also prefer someone who is gay and educated, so he meets these qualifications.

It might be nice to have someone else around. We'll see.
Australian rugby player convicted of several counts of non-consensual ass-play & The gay agenda behind same-sex marriages

Controversial Wests Tigers winger John Hopoate has been suspended for 12 weeks after being found guilty by the NRL Judiciary of poking his fingers up the anuses of three North Queensland players. One of the accusers, Jones, said, "It wasn't a wedgie. That's when your pants are pulled up your arse. I think I know the difference between a wedgie and someone sticking their finger up my bum," said Jones, admitting that while both acts caused discomfort, they caused different sensations and he could differentiate between the two.
Click here for more.

Here's a clever animation regarding the politics of gay marriages. Click here.

Thursday, February 26, 2004

How to Say "No"
After reading three of my favourite blogs I am rather shocked and disappointed by these guys' ability to say, "no." They would rather appear as "nice guys" rather than be "honest." Think about that statement for a minute. Isn't a nice guy someone who is honest?

A nice guy is someone who cares about someone else's feelings. If you really care about someone else's feelings, wouldn't you be honest with him or her? Not lead them on? Making them think you like them, when in reality you don't? The only person your dishonesty is serving is your own. Your own fear of looking like a "bad guy." Morals and ethics aren't based on "how you look" to other people. They're based in on being consistent inside and out with your values. If you fake something you aren't, then you always end up hurting someone else - including yourself, because you've betrayed your own conscience.

I can't think of anything ruder than pretending to be nice to someone, making them think you like them, then not ever calling them again. As I've written in previous blogs, I've had two boyfriends who were so concerned about "how they appear" that they've been dishonest with me, ultimately hurting me way more than if they were direct about their feelings and disinterest. I'd rather someone was "cruel to be kind."

When one blogger mentioned they were at a gay bar, and some drunk guy was coming onto him, he remained polite, even when the drunk guy gave him a sloppy tongue-based kiss as he was leaving. What the fuck is that about? You're afraid to make a scene, because you're afraid of not looking "nice?" Excuse me, but who is not nice in this situation? The drunk guy.

I've been in gay bars, where creepy guys grab my ass, pinch my nipples, grab my waist and push me against them, and line at the bar, where a guy grinds his crotch against my ass. In every instance, I've shoved the guy away and said clearly, "Fuck off." I'm not the one with the rude behaviour - I'm the one with appropriate behaviour. Addaboy got it right - you should almost punch the guy in the face. They're assaulting you.

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Index Finger vs. Ring Finger
Is your index finger (next to your thumb) longer than your ring finger (next to your pinky)? Or vice versa?

If your ring finger is longer, then you had more testosterone injected into your body in utero. If your index finger is longer, then you had more estrogen.

Personally, I didn't know that these two fingers differed in length. My index finger is definitely shorter than my ring finger, meaning I have more testosterone. Apparently this means I tend to be more competitive and more sexual, therefore less into committed relationships.

Interesting. I'm not sure I believe the research. But it's something to think about.

Monday, February 23, 2004

Rules for Dating and Breaking-Up
After reading EasyOver's new blog, it made me reflect on my own rules for dating...and breaking-up. Here's my wisdom after four major breakups.

1. Never date a man who's just getting out of a relationship. Wait ONE year.
This is, unfortunately, a truism, that I learned after being with Les. I was young and innocent when I got involved with him after his long-term relationship ended, and although I knew better, I still thought "it would be different with us." Instead it was a classic "rebound" relationship. I now know it takes time for a guy to regain his sense of singular identity. At first it's scary to be alone, and then when he meets someone he connects with and has a sexual attraction, he clings onto the situation. Rebound relationships rarely last more than three or four months.

I also wait at least a year, after getting out of a relationship, before I consider dating and meeting someone. Otherwise I'm just not mentally, spiritually or physically ready to get intimately involved with a guy. I suppose if someone connects intimately with others very superficially, they can get involved, but I'm not one of those people. Nor would I want to date someone like that (although I have).

2. If my partner breaks up with me, end all relations - IMMEDIATELY - for at least a year. Don't try to be friends.
I have yet to follow this advice, but after my last break-up, I hope I've learned my lesson once and for all. It's far too painful and messy, otherwise. I go through all the classic symptoms - denial, negotiation, depression...before I come to acceptance. And getting to acceptance takes me at least a year.

With denial - I don't believe they don't want to be with me. It's nearly incomprehensible to me. In fact, I've laughed when they've told me this.

With negotiation - I think, "Well, if I change this or that, will you stay with me?" I've also played manipulative games, such as working out like crazy, getting a great hair cut, dressing so I look hot, being on my best behaviour, so when I get together with my ex, under the guise of being "friends," I'm actually hoping to seduce him so that he gets back with me. I've always done well at this - seducing my ex-boyfriends. They have always ended up having sex with me, regularly, after we've broken up (against their better judgement) but then the ex always ends up meeting someone else within a few months and dumps me altogether. Plus I have to go through the intense jealousy, anger, occassional messy dramas and it just ends up making ME look bad. And desperate.

In the future, I promise to end all relations immediately. Without being angry and guilt provoking. Simply stating that, "I need to be alone for a year to deal with my feelings, so that I don't dump them on you." With the option to be friends, a year later. This would be so much more civilized, and also help me to get over him, sooner, instead of drawing it out for another six months or a year.

3. Keep strict boundaries - don't discuss the situation with friends you have in common with your ex-boyfriend.
This one I've always been pretty good at, I admit. When I've gotten into a relationship, our individual friends tend to mix, and we become friends with each other's friends. But when the relationship ends, I never discuss the situation with his friends (although they were mine while we were together). Likewise, my friends never discuss the situation with him. This is really important, because otherwise gossip spreads, and you put others into the situation of having to be on "my side" or "his side." This is unfair and ruins friendships. Also, once I've gotten to the "acceptance stage" a year later, I'd like to be on good terms with his friends again.

The truth is, no one is fully right or wrong once a relationship ends. Fortunately I've always had mature enough friends to realize this, and they respect the boundaries, as do I, by not discussing the situation.

I think this summarizes the key points. If I think of anything else, I'll update this entry.

Friday, February 20, 2004

Streakers left out in the cold

SPOKANE, Washington (Court TV) -- A car thief left a trio of streakers in Washington state out in the cold.

Three men who made a racy run through a Denny's restaurant earlier this month were themselves the victims of a keen-eyed customer who apparently made off with the naked men's car -- as well as the clothes they left inside.

The car was later recovered and the streakers do not face criminal charges, police said. But the car thief remains at large.

The three men reportedly stripped down to nothing but their shoes and hats in 20-degree weather on January 14 and proceeded to streak through a warm Denny's restaurant in Spokane.

In hopes of making a quick getaway, one of the pranksters left his blue 1988 Mazda running outside. According to police, another customer in the restaurant noticed the waiting car and drove off with it.

The streakers watched in horror as the car drove away, according to police. They gave chase but were unable to catch up and were forced to huddle nude behind a car in an adjacent parking lot until police arrived.

Several days later the owner of the car recovered his vehicle in a parking lot several miles from the Denny's, according to Spokane police spokesman Dick Cottam.

Authorities believe that car thief drove the vehicle a short distance and abandoned it, but that a second person may have stolen the car again, Cottam said.

The locks were broken and the ignition and radio were ripped out. The original thief would not have had to break into the car because it was left unlocked and running by its streaking owner, Cottam said.

The streakers could have faced charges of indecent exposure or lewd conduct but have not been charged because officers did not witness the incident, and nobody at the restaurant chose to make a complaint, Cottam said.

"They have had sufficient punishment," Cottam said.

Sunday, February 08, 2004

Update on Kevan the Hottie

I went onto and saw Kevan67 online, yesterday. He hadn't responded to my email. So I decided to give him a message and say hello. "Hey bud, did you get my email?"

I got a message back, saying that he hadn't. He also sent me a face pic - he's very handsome. He's got red hair, green eyes, beautifully shaped eyes, nose, mouth and ears. Everything's real perfect. A nice wide jaw. Close cropped hair. He's amazingly hot, although I'm not into red heads, normally. Now when I look at his body picture (which I have a couple posts down) I see that he has red head. His hair is too light and reddish looking.

So these are a few of our messages:

Kevan: "Well, where do I start... I came out very late, to myself when I was 28/29; to others, when I was about 34. So, still sort of new at this on the one hand. That has accounted for no long term relationships so far, I`d say. What`s important to me is that a guy is `a guy`: masculine, str8 looking and acting and can blend in either crowd, gay or str8. Maybe I`m delusional, or happy enough be myself, but the only guy I`ll ever be with is that str8 gay guy. I know he exists cause I have friends like him, I`m like him and i`ve met them: usually in Spain, Greece or Italy. But almost never hear. If I have met that guy here, he usually does drugs, parties, and so on. If you`re like the guy I`m talking about, let`s meet, by all means."

I told Kevan that I wasn't what he's looking for. I'm not the "str8 gay guy." I'm more like "michael" on Queer as Folk. I also mentioned that he looks Danish, because of his wide jaw, small nose, beautiful blue eyes, nicely shaped lips, and small ears. This is what he replied.

"Actually, make those green eyes (I thought he had blue eyes). I`m half Italian, on my Dad`s side, not from the north, but from the south, where in my opinion, the real Italians are from! But my mom`s dad is from the French part of Switzerland and her mother`s side, way back, is a mix of Irish and English. Long story to explain I look Irish and Italian. My hair is red/blond, eyes are green and yet I have my dad`s families bone structure and physique. And you, you look very handsome. What is your ethnic background? You look pretty smooth. I prefer guys who are moderately hairy. But not that important. Are you Greek? Italian? Spanish? You sort of look it."?

I told him I do look somewhat Italian, with my dark hair and eyes, and tanned skin, but I'm Danish and Russian.

"Yeah, when I travel in Europe, people tend to think I`m German or Danish or Dutch, and, coincidentally, some do say Russian. Anyway, you`re lucky if you`ve met bi guys in my opinion, though most of my friends would disagree. At least they`re men. For the most part, I`ll take them any day over your regular gay guy. I know that`s harsh. But I include myself in that indictment as well. Not sure who Michael is cause I never watch that show; but I think its the one whose mother used to play a cop on an old TV show?? We could meet, Mike. I may yet disappoint you. So, I don`t want to be too smug. ;) And hey, lets look at it this way: I`ve got some very hot str8 looking and acting friends who would probably dig you a lot -- as a trade of course for the phone number of some of those bi guys if we don`t hit it off. Kidding. Let me know if you want to meet. cheers.
I wrote to Kevan:
I`m glad to know that I was "right on" about your looks and Scandanavians. And yes, you got "michael" right from Queer as Folk. Bi-guys can be very hot. Unfortunately, they`re too confused when it comes to relationships with a guy. They like the sex...but not the relationship part. If you`re only into the sex, then you`re happy. But if you want something long term and monogamous, forget it. I did have two three-year long relationships that were monogamous with them though, so that`s okay. And yes, I`d take a bi-guy over a regular gay guy any day, myself. As for getting together, maybe some time. Let`s keep in touch. And no, I wouldn`t introduce you to my ex`s - I`m too jealous to do that. Take care.

So Kevan writes back to me:
Scared you away, did I? ;) Frankness takes that risk. Hope you find what you`re looking for. cheers.

What an idiot! So I wrote back:
No, you didn't scare me away - LOL! Frankness is a quality I appreciate and thank you for. I thought it was obvious there was nothing more happening other than friendship. I say what I mean, and I would like to keep in touch, and perhaps meet up some time. And no, I wouldn't introduce you to my ex's - why would I want to introduce them to someone as hot as you? I'm still into my ex's. Let me know if you still want to keep in touch.

So Kevan wrote back:
Okay. Cool. The "bi ex`s" comment I said very much tongue-in-cheek, by the way. Contact me again some time if you want to meet. cheers - Kevan,

Wow, did he not impress me with his personality. Yuck. I feel like meeting with him, simply to shove my fist into his face. How's that for a str8 gay guy? He'd probably be into it.

Isn't the gay life fun?
Sexual Fantasies

I guess I'm all horned up at the moment, because I'm thinking about sex. And sexual fantasies. This is a topic rarely touched upon by other bloggers, except for Geekslut. But since I'm not stupid enough to tell friends that I have a blog, I am pretty much anonymous (I hope). Really, Todd, what are you thinking, by making your blog public and people knowing who you are? What's the point of blogging then? The fun is in telling the truth, while no one knows who you are.

So, I think most gay men fantasize about sex more than I do. I've gleaned this from conversations I've had with other gay men. I'm not sure why this is - perhaps my puritanical Christian upbringing? Perhaps.

Also, sexual fantasies ebb and flow. They're here today, gone tomorrow. What I fantasize about today is gone tomorrow. So it's hard to get a handle on them. But there are a few moments in time that I remember which are terrific to jerk off to.

After all the sex I had with BC, the one that stands out the most for me is...

I slept overnight with BC, and he was getting ready for work at 7:30am. He took his LONG shower, then was doing his hair in his bathroom mirrors. He was naked, of course - all 6'4" of him, languidly lounging (meaning sitting on his butt) on his bathroom sink. Fussing and combing and gelling his receding hair in the triple mirrors he had installed. His hot, muscular body, hairy chest and legs, and huge dick were just laid there. He looked so cute, and HOT. I wandered over and began sucking his limp dick. He didn't oppose. Within seconds, it became big, his usual 9 - 10" and I gave him a blow job. He was into it, even though he had to leave for work within 5 minutes. I made him cum, and he shot his huge, delicious, sweet cum into my mouth, and I licked up any remaining cummage. He joked, "I guess I don't need to wipe myself off now." He got dressed and went to work.

I'm not sure why that remains in my mind as one of the hottest sexual experiences I've ever had. But it is. If I psychoanalyze it, it has to do with the following...
He wasn't looking for a blow job.
His dick was limp, but I made it hard.
He totally got into being sucked off, even though he was in a hurry.
He would go into work knowing that he had just been sucked off.
He would work all day, knowing he got an amazing blow job on his huge dick.

I know it's not enlightened, but it's the truth. There you go.

The other major sexual fantasy that was fulfilled for me, and lingers in my sexual memory, is with Les.

Les...the guy who looked like a young Mel Gibson, was a top, and had always wanted to fuck me. I wasn't into being fucked. He did it once, in Hawaii, and I didn't enjoy it at all. It felt like he was dominating me, which I didn't like the idea of. I was about 29 years old then.

We had parted for about a year, then we got together again. In the meantime, I had watched porno videos, and tried to sexually fantasize about getting fucked. Being dominated. By Les. (Even though I fantasized about fucking him.)

There is a huge psychological aspect to being a bottom, I'd like to inform you all of. It took me until I was 29 years old to learn how to enjoy being a bottom, and even now, there are difficulties. As long as you can fuck me, I hope to fuck you back. That's how it works with me. I don't understand these 23 year year olds, who call themselves bottoms from the get-go. I was never that way.

Anyway, I went to a waterpark with about 15 gay men one summer. Les was there. I wore my yellow fluorescent bathing suit. We laid out in the sun, and I was doing my best to turn Les on. I ended up driving four gay guys back to Vancouver, and I knew I wanted to get fucked by Les. After dropping off all the other guys, Les invited me back, and I ended up at his beautiful home, in his bedroom, sucking his dick, and I told him, "Fuck me."

After not letting him fuck me for a long time, and not being into it, he was quite surprised. So I was doggy style on his bed, he was standing, and I could see us in the mirrors in his bedroom. I allowed myself, psychologically, to get turned on by the fact that he was "dominating" me. I hate that word. Perhaps "offense" and "defensive" are better words (see But really, I was being turned on by sticking out my cute butt, and having Les stick it to me!

So, he did, and he felt my cock while fucking me - which was extremely hard. I was enjoying it! He was thrilled to see that my cock was hard. It was one of the hottest sexual thrills of my life. And his too.

We were both hard the whole week, thinking about that sexual interaction. And it required me to change my psychological feeling about the whole event.

It's still challenging for me to be a bottom, but I can enjoy it when I'm willing. So there you go. More than you wanted to know!

Saturday, February 07, 2004

Oh, man. I am a slut. Sometimes.

I was watching a pseudo-pornographic movie on tv tonight, and suddenly got very horny. I just wanted a nice, hard dick in my mouth. Do you ever have that sudden craving? It came out of nowhere - I haven't been horny in a long time. So I went onto, and within 5 minutes was chatting with a guy not far from where I live. He agreed to meet me in my alley, so I could suck him off in my garage. He is 23 years old, 6'4", and an average sized dick. So I waited out in the alley for him, and there he was. A hot looking, masculine dude, with a goatee. Within minutes, we were in my garage, and I pressed him against my car, undid his belt and jeans. We kissed a little, then I went down on his super hard cock. And I sucked him off. Even though he is average sized - he knew how to use it, and made me choke a few times. Even though his hair is more brown than red, his trimmed bush hair was red. He played with my cock too.

He has a profile on - I'd never heard of it before. He's apparently bisexual. Why do I always hook up with bi guys? Hmmm. Something that makes you go hmmm. But I definitely got my much needed craving for cock fulfilled.


Wednesday, February 04, 2004

Janet Jackson's Boob
I just have a couple comments to make (I'm sure everyone is sick to death of hearing about her boob, too). In Canada, it's legal for women to walk around topless, showing their boobs. It was decided by the Supreme Court several years ago. I have sat on the beach with many women in Vancouver and other places, topless, and no one gave a sh*t. Also, Janet had a star-shaped sticky on her nipple, thereby making her not entirely nude. I have far more issues with the football violence. This is typical America - yea for violence, no for sex. Grow up.
My Response to Kevin67

So, this is what I wrote to Kevan67. Let's see if I hear back from him. I'm too experienced to believe that anything of significance will happen. But here it goes:

"Hi Kevan:

Your profile and pictures are and look very hot! You could be my dream-man also. (LOL, back at you! )

Besides your very attractive body shots, incredible butt, and handsomely hairy bod (just right, not too much) I like what you have to say about your personality. I've never dated someone who is opinioned, informed, educated and reads books. I've tended to date men who are the opposite - uneducated, but they know how to fix cars, do carpentry and replace windsheild wipers. Although I've got 10 years of education, I am not left -leaning either. I am a team-player too.

I seem to fit your "requirements" in terms of not being into the gay-scene, not having tattoos or piercings, being into fidelity, being 100% healthy, not being a party-boy, and being able to joke about myself. I also have dark brown hair and eyes, nice tanned skin, but I'm also caucasian. I've had a great family upbringing in terms of morals.

It would be interesting to meet someone with such a hot bod and description, such as yours. I am interested in hearing more about you. Anything you'd like to tell me, I'd like to hear."

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

Red-headed Kevan

I received an interesting e-mail from someone who saw my profile on Man, he looks incredibly sexy, and sounds hot too. He wrote:

Hey man, I just read your profile on G-Dar.
You may be my dream-man. ;) lol.

Check out his bod! His description and what he's looking for are also very interesting:
"Like strong minded non-conformists, compassionate, respect others. Brainy/sharp mind; must have opinion, informed, and able to support it. Athletic, masculine, straight looking - a must; physically attracted only to blk/brn hair, brn or hazel eyes. Prefer Middle Eastern or Mediterranean looking men (Not attracted to blond/fair or light/blue-eyed men). Must also share same idea of fidelity: One plus one = no one else. Also, going somewhere with life, yet not impressed with material things nor with pleasing crowd. Able to laugh at himself. Must be 100% healthy, like me. No piercings, tattoos, shaved or party boys/drugs."

I'll have to e-mail him and I'll let you know what happens.

Monday, February 02, 2004

Inflammatory E-mails

What a great day I've had. Nothing big happened, but it still feels satisfying. I cleaned two thirds of my house so everything is tidy, organized and smelling like bleach. I'm half way through my laundry. I completed several tasks for my clients. I took a long, satisfying shower. I had coffee with a friend I haven't seen in a while. Now I'll finish my bedroom tonight - laundering my sheets, comforter and pillows, cleaning my bathroom and organizing my closet. I can't wait until I slip into clean, white sheets.

I didn't write about how I resolved my conflict from January 23. I was preparing for teaching a course at my college in mid-March. Last year, when I taught the same course, there were major classroom booking issues, which were not my fault. I was three weeks into the course before rooms could be confirmed, so my students could attend class. I was infuriated! On my own time I had to work with the whole bureacracy to find a room (this was a major task, one that involved politics) and then book an extra three classes for my students because they missed the first three weeks. I'm not hired to be a room booker. I wasn't hired to teach an additional three classes. And I wasn't paid extra, when it wasn't my fault.

In the last three years, I've always had rooms prepared for me. So I was very pissed! It's because our college had a new Dean last year, and he screwed things up, and made things look bad for me. Remember - I've got type-A, brilliant students, and they weren't happy.

So this year, I found out that my lecture wasn't booked into a room with Internet access and a video projector, which is highly necessary for my course. In fact, I requested it last October to the Dean and he hadn't followed up on it. So I contacted the Room Booking Assistant, and he e-mailed me back saying, "I'm sure there's no rooms available. Your course doesn't merit such technology."

For the last two years since the new Dean took over, the Room Booking Assistant has been difficult and unhelpful. I assume there must be conflict between the Dean and him. And the Room Booking Assistant is taking it out on me - making me look bad!

So I called the Room Booking Department (I went beyond the Assistant) and asked if there was a lecture room with Internet access and a video projector. After lots of cajoling, she agreed to check it out (it's the Assistant's job to do this) and found two rooms available. So I left a message with the Assistant, telling him, politely, that I over-rode his bureaucratic hierarchy, and that there are two rooms available.

This happened late on a Friday afternoon. I stewed about the situation. I was angry for being put in this situation again, the second year with the new Dean, and even asking beforehand for the kind of room I needed. I had had enough!

So I wrote an e-mail to the new Dean, saying stuff like, "I don't play politics well. I don't know what's going on between you and the Booking Assistant, but he's being unhelpful. Remember, I spent last year trying to find a room for my students for three weeks, without any help or resolution, and I paid for it." I went on and on, digging my own grave (in terms of my job) making my Dean look like a loser and an asshole. I just didn't care any more. "Fire me," I thought.

What makes this situation ironic is that I decided not to come back in September 2003 because I had such a nightmare in the Spring 2003. I didn't want to work with this new Dean, who was screwing up. So he hired someone else, then in mid-term, called me to come back and rescue the class. So I did, to great applombe from him and the students. Anyway, I wrote a viral e-mail to him, and realized that if he read it, he wouldn't hire me again.

So this is my brilliant rescue...I called the Dean at home on Sunday night and said, "I sent you an e-mail when I was very angry and triggered. It's not the type of e-mail you should read, or that anyone should read. After writing it, the next morning I felt differently. Would you please delete it from your mailbox, before reading it? I'd appreciate it immensely."

So, he did. He deleted it before reading it. He totally understood (He's sent me reactionary e-mails before, so I think he knew what I meant.)

Actually, he may have read it, because on Monday, the Room Booking Assistant sent me very sweet e-mails, thanking me for helping him with his job, and that he found me a new room.

Isn't that cool? I guess I got my own way, without getting fired.

Thanks be to God.

Friday, January 30, 2004

Do we really ever understand someone else?

It's 3:30am. I awoke from deep sleep with an insight.

I think it's difficult for me to understand other people because I have not lived their experiences. For example, with BC, with both had similarities in our childhoods: for example, we both were sensitive and had a difficult time with peers, being called "fag" at times and not feeling like we really fit in. But on the other hand, our childhood was extremely different. I had a strong family and felt very loved by them: whereas he had a terrible family life, grew up with an emotionally dependent single mother who leaned on him, and had an absent, alcoholic and womanizing father who was emotionally distant. I don't think I'll ever understand his experience and how it affected him.

I was treated by my family, peers and teachers as though I was very talented and bright. BC didn't do well in school, wasn't considered bright by his teachers and I doubt that his parents ever made him feel like he could be accomplished at things. While I had and still have my own lack of confidence, I realize now it is quite minimal compared to BC. I rarely feel intimidated by other people in any way, whereas BC I realize, with hindsight, often felt less than others. He would have anxiety attacks and never felt comfortable being himself with his co-workers. If he had to speak in a group, he literally would freeze.

I always admired BC because his skills were so different from mine. He knew how to fix cars, do carpentry, repair household appliances, be patient with others, and was capable of being methodical and consistent. I held his skills and abilities with high regard. I'm not very impressed with academic and worldly knowledge - having lived in that world for so long, I think most of it is hot air. I'm more impressed with someone who knows how to replace windshield wipers (I bought new ones five months ago but don't have a clue how to put them on) than I am with someone who has a Master's degree (I did that, have been there, and it means very little, other than you know how to play the academic game).

But perhaps in BC's mind, and in BC's world - everyone he grew up with, including his family were uneducated and it was taken for granted that you knew how to do carpentry and fix cars. It was as simple to him, as doing research and writing papers was for me. BC, I now realize, didn't value his ability to do blue-collar type work, as much as I did. He probably didn't realize how highly I valued his skills, because to him they were common.

It appeared that his mind worked a lot more slowly than mine at times, but I honestly think it was because he obsessed a lot about what other people thought of him at work. BC hid his anxiety, and it was only until you got to know him very well did you find out that this was going on in his mind. He had difficulty going to sleep and staying asleep because he went over and over his behaviour, his problems, how was he going to resolve this problem or that problem without getting anyone mad at him. I never bother to obsess about other people's feelings. I assume that people like me, are fine with me, unless they tell me directly otherwise. Even then, I don't take a lot of responsibility for other people's feelings about me unless I've done something obviously hurtful that is against my own value system. Then I apologize sincerely, do my best not to repeat it, and then I'm over it.

The other aspect that made BC seem 'slow' is it took him a while to figure out how he felt and thought about things. This made him very non-reactive, which is a positive quality, but it also made him very unclear about where he stood on issues. Because he cared so much about what other people thought of him, it made it difficult for him to disagree with others, or hold a different opinion for them, for fear of not being liked. If a transaction happened between him and someone else that upset him, he didn't realize it while it was happening. He would just feel confused. So he'd spend the next two days trying to figure out why he was feeling confused and anxious. Then he'd realize he was angry and spend the next few days trying to overcome his anger (internally), and trying to come up with the perfect plan, that wouldn't offend anyone, and would resolve the conflict. Finally - sometimes it would take a week, a month or a year - he would talk to the person about the situation in the kindest and gentlest manner possible, so that often the other person with whom he had the conflict didn't understand the depth of his feelings about the situation. And he received very little resolution.

On the other hand, I always know how I feel and stand on an issue. There is no lack of clarity. If I think that someone has stepped over my boundaries, been obviously unkind and it is important to me - I know right away. I've taught myself to try to think it over for a few hours at least to make sure I'm being as objective as I can be, and then I directly speak to the person. Most often, I tell that person right away that they have crossed my boundaries. If it's a situation that has happened once or twice, I usually am very calm and kind about the way I do this. But when it happens more than twice, then I'm not kind. I'm direct and don't mince words. If someone has been insensitive to me more than twice, I am not sensitive to their feelings. I don't care at this point if they're hurt or angry with me.

I realize I never truly understood BC. I have some insight now. A year later. I tried to support him, make him understand how I admired him, and valued his talents and skills. I listened to his feelings and cared about them. But I guess it doesn't matter. If he didn't value his own talents and skills or his feelings, how could appreciate that I did? On the other hand I probably didn't value his feelings and needs, because he wasn't able to express them to me clearly and directly. When he tried to tell me, it was often so long after the fact, that it didn't seem relevant any more. And BC was always conflicted and confused about how he felt and what he thought, and it took him so long to be able to figure it out. And by the time he did, his actions were hurtful to me.

He stayed with me so long because it took him so long to figure out how he felt about me. As I have written before, I was incredibly happy with him, we had great times together, there were so few conflicts and I had no idea there was anything wrong in our relationship. Then out of the blue, he broke up with me, using the excuse, "We're not having enough sex." He hid his whole thought process with me - he did it in his own head, until he awkwardly came to the conclusion that I wasn't right for him. In the meantime he was loving, present and generous.

I have some empathy for BC. But ultimately, do I like the way he handles things? Do I admire his obsessive concern with other people's feelings about him...which causes him internal confusion and inability to make decisions and be clear about where he stands?

No, I don't.

And to be honest, I don't have the patience to abide his process. My impatience mades me uncaring and unkind.

So, I guess this is what happened.