Tuesday, April 01, 2003

A new day

Welcome to my blog. I'm full of excitement and trepidation about starting this. Excitement, because I used to keep a journal a couple years ago and found it very powerful - as a way to reflect on where I'm at and where I'm going. It also juices my creativity. I had another site where I published a bunch of reflections and articles on another topic. But I'm full of trepidation because I've never published the honest truth about how "fucked up" I can be, and I'm concerned that someone may recognize who I am. I'm also worried about putting an email link because I'm not sure I want feedback. Unlike SoBlo, my Eastern Canadian counterpart, who loves the interaction, I don't want to open myself up to criticism. So, I'll try to change some of the details, names and stuff to try to keep as anonymous as possible.

What I find fascinating about blogs is that people discuss issues that are normally not talked about in polite company, unless it's a very close friend. But I've found it enormously helpful to read that other people go through similar experiences, issues and desires, so hopefully this one will also be helpful in this way to others. It'll also give me an outlet to express some of the stuff life brings (or more likely - the stuff I bring on myself).

So, who am I? I'd like to create a link for this, but haven't yet figured out how, so for now I'll place it here. I'm a 38 yr. old gay man, living in beautiful Vancouver, BC, Canada. I've lived here for about 11 years and love it. It's a beautiful city, and BC itself is incredible - all the beaches, oceans, mountains, islands and fascinating places to visit. I've never lived anywhere this long, and yet I never get bored of it because there's always something to discover. I hate the rain during winter, but at least there's rarely snow, and it doesn't get below zero.

I've got a masters degree, teach, and have my own small business, freelancing. I have to admit - I'm pretty good looking. My students guess that I'm 33 (unless they're just trying to get extra marks from me), I work out, tend to be muscular easily, and I think I've got that "hot factor that mid 30s guys have" to quote 'addaboy.' Unfortunately I have a very distinctive face that no one forgets, and I constantly get from strangers, "You look familiar - we must have met before." In some ways I have a 'generic face' - I look like a bit of everyone. So I'll have to figure out a way to show bits of myself without giving myself away. Once I can find my credit card to sign up for the advanced blogger.

I live outside of the gay mecca (the Westend) in Kitsilano (the Westside of Vancouver). I've got a nice house, with two floors, two bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, fireplace, patio, dishwasher, garage and in-suite laundry - pretty lucky to find here, where housing is at a premium. One problem - I've discovered I have absolutely no talent for interior decoration. I'm missing that gene, to quote someone (I can't remember who).

I thought I'd start with my bedroom. I've always wanted a gorgeous bedroom, with white sheets, a white comforter, making everything look pure and fresh. So I went out and bought everything white - even for my ensuite bathroom. Instead of looking pure, it ended up looking like my grandmother's house. Unfortunately I didn't realize that lace is "old lady." So I bought a new comforter, in natural tones, and now it looks like a college kid's dormitory room. I realize I have to paint the walls a different colour than white - this may be a project for the summer. But I keep making mistakes when it comes to my purchases. I guess there's a learning curve here. I'd be embarrassed to bring some a-list gay man over - I probably wouldn't hear from them again! I want it to look like some of the bed and breakfasts I've stayed at - but I don't have a clue where to start, unless I made research and interior decoration a major hobby and shopped all the time (which I hate to do).

I've been single now for three months, after a horrible ending to a relationship that reminds me of SoBlo's experience with Emm. If you haven't read it - do. It's a perfect description of how I felt. I was grieving intensely for a month, and by a month and a half my mind had cleared enough to realize that not seeing him again was the best decision I made. I ended it on New Year's Day. I'll tell you more about it as I go along. All the sordid, sexy details. Since then I've tried several coping strategies from no longer having him in my life, such as working myself to death, pornography, casual sex, partying, and now I feel like I'm coming out of those things somewhat. You'd think since it was my fourth relationship that ended that it becomes easier. Well, actually it was overall, but I don't think it's ever easy. Unless you're a cold-hearted, detached, selfish asshole who is incapable of commitment. Which he is, and which many people are, I guess. Of course, I ignored my initial caution when I met him - he told me clearly he's not into commitment, loves casual sex, with multiple partners, but damn - I was so attracted to him, and his 10-11" thick cock. Also, he is a nice guy.

I'd never seen such a huge cock before. I've always been with guys who are average, (7") like me. It was so big that it took me a while to learn how to manage it. At first I felt like I was choking on it, and not able to breathe. It was so thick that I couldn't even get my thumb and middle finger to touch when I put my grasp around it. His cock was thicker than my wrist! And man, he could get hard. I've seen some pornos where a huge guy has a hard time getting hard - they always look a bit soft. Not this guy. Let me name him - I'll call him BC for 'you know what.' BC would get so hard you couldn't point it horizontally without hurting him. Add to this he was an amazing lover - he made it his hobby. And he's bisexual - I'll never date another one of those. Add to this he is one of the nicest men I've ever met. Caring, sensitive, masculine, thoughtful (to a degree) and so on. It was hard to leave him.

Unfortunately BC wasn't very bright - but I tend to like sexy, attractive, dumb men who are good at construction, home repair and car mechanics. Totally the opposite to me. (Well, not the sexy, attractive part I hope). To be fair, I'm an idiot when it comes to home repair, and I have to work really hard to figure out where the oil goes in an engine. I still can't change my windshield wipers. From his perspective I probably seemed like a retard. But it was difficult to have a stimulating conversation. I always had to "dumb down" my comments and discussions. I was worried I'd give him a headache. One thing I miss is that he would tell me when to take my car in for an oil change and tune-up. He explained to me how to make my dishwasher work without flooding (the sprayer comes up through the middle, so don't place anything in its way). He'd take my stained laundry and discover how to get rid of the stains (I still don't know how he did that one).

Really, is there anything sexier than a guy that knows how to change a flat tire, or replace spark plugs, or get your car running when it's stopped?

Sure, I can instantly figure out computer applications, and computer hardware, but somehow that isn't sexy. It's geeky. Right 'Geekslut?'

I've been told that I should limit my blogs to 10 minutes a day, otherwise I'll get burned out. But let me give you a preview of all the shit I'll talk about. Just so you'll return. For some reason, I feel a need to do an essay about the experience of being "fucked" and "fucking." I've already started it - will finish it soon. I haven't ever seen an essay like that, and I think there's fascinating things to say. I'm very versatile, so I'll explain it from both points-of-view. And would like some of your points-of-view to add to my essay. E-mail me if you have anything to say. Also, I'll tell you my experiences in relationships (four at this point), my slutty encounters, including three-somes and group sex, what it's like for me to go to gay clubs and visiting the West End (scary - I get cruised alot), and about this hot guy at my straight gym who I've got a crush on, and I'm not sure if he's gay or straight. The usual, trashy, gay life which I love to read about, myself, on other gay blogs. It's such a relief to be able to discuss it openly.


PS - I know my website name may be irritating to some - but somehow it works for me. Here's a Webster definition: "The complex interrelationship between a text and other texts taken as basic to the creation or interpretation of the text." Huh?

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