Thursday, November 16, 2006

Brazil vs. Canada - Men's Gymnastics

I recorded this last weekend on videotape, then managed to capture the video, then export it for the web and put it online! Even old dogs can learn new tricks.

The Brazilian is fantastic - I believe he came in second, and the Canadian "Kyle" came in third. Hottie Marian DRAGULESCU came in first - I'm sure you're familiar with him from other gay blogs - he's so gorgeous.

I'm only about 200 km away from Kyle...but I haven't heard any gay rumours, although he appears gay to me. Unlike some famous gold medal Calgary swimmer, who everyone has had sex with..


Monday, November 06, 2006

Interview with a Werewolf

* The italicized/underlined dialogue is in a strange, Mediterranean-sounding dialect.

Esto demasiado lejos deu nuestras mãos, London. Tremine ist. Ahora.
This is too far from our hands, London. End this. Now.

Harris’ eyes flash at the sound of this language.

Tamentéu. Bórrel.
Absolutely. Erase it.

Táwn não acontecerá até que nós sabemos tudo. Alguém lo trajo sobre. Esta não era sua niciatriva.

It will not happen until we know everything. Someone brought him on. This was not his initiative.

Es demasiado. Cáigalo cair, fá-loei haré mis.
It is too much. Drop him, or I will do it myself.

Você não hará ninguna tal coisa. Usted toma uma etapa em seu sentido y yo comeré seu coração.
You will do no such thing. You take a step in his direction and I will eat your heart.

Esto não é una idéia boa.
This is not a good idea.

Quando deseo su opinião, você sabrá.
When I want your opinion, you will know it.

Last August, I auditioned for a role in an independent film being created here, in L*thbridge. I ended up being cast as "Barry" - second in command to the head werewolf, named London. Apparently the director liked my latin-appearing looks, and my ability to be calm, yet menacing.

All the actors met up last night, during the full moon, to perform two scenes - one of which is mentioned above. We drove for about 40 minutes, through pitch black countryside (only lighted by the moon) until we arrived at a farm house in the middle of nowhere. The lighting and cameras had already been set up. It was quite cold - the northerly wind was blowing, and it was about 2 degrees celsius.

I had a very hard time memorizing my lines, a mixture of Portuguese, Spanish and Italian. I had to look up on the internet how to pronounce latin-type languages. I found out that "i" sounds like "e", and "e" sounds like "a." And of course, "j" sounds like "h." Then, of course, I had an even harder time trying to say a complete sentence, smoothly, while keeping a straight face. I couldn't stop laughing from embarrassment! How was I going to deliver my lines authentically, when I couldn't stop giggling from self-consciousness?

London was a hot young stud, 19 years old, with dark hair, green eyes, about 5'11". He had already been in one horror film. He works as a bartender at one of the upscale club/dining establishments in town. Unfortunately, when he took his jacket off, he had a bit of a paunch...but who cares. He was still hot, and a very nice guy.

Adrian was a guy who the director met at the gym, and asked him to play the part, only because he "looks" the part. Ironically, he was the only one who had his lines down pat, and sounded entirely authentic! I have no idea what age he is - 33? But he's studied practically every type of marshall arts there are. He has a degree in political science, but he's a dedicated kick boxing, jujitsu, karate addict, who's studied everywhere from New York to LA to Vancouver. Not my type... I don't know why, even though he's blond. Maybe if I saw him with his clothes off I'd be more interested. Anyway, he is a natural actor. He put London and myself to shame!

Then there's me. Thank goodness we didn't do the second scene with the latin-sounding language - I couldn't have pulled it off. It was too cold which was distracting, and I'm too much of a perfectionist so I couldn't pull off the accent without sounding like an idiot trying to pronounce every syllable and correct emphasis.

All I had to do was walk into a scene where there were three police, two other werewolves, and one semi-victim who turns into a hero. Basically, I was a model. No lines, just walking in, looking confident and scary. I'm good with that!

It got too late after doing the first scene, that the director decided to postpone the latin-speaking scene, where I'd have to speak... so that scene will be rescheduled, shortly. Before the winter sets in too much. That will give me lots of time to practice. Now all I have to do is find a latin-speaking guy who's willing to give me some lessons!

Monday, October 23, 2006

Brad Pitt update

(I'll probably get a ton of google hits with that line...just so you know, this post is not really about Bratt Pitt. Just his doppleganger.)

Guess who I saw on Saturday? You guessed right. Brad Pitt. Except that he no longer sports buzzed-short hair - he's got a normal looking, short hairstyle. But he dyed his hair black. Like Angelina.

He said he's been doing good, except for a few relapses. He looks awesome. So even though he's no longer blond, or buzz-cut, there was still this intense sexual energy/chemistry going on, probably only with me, so it probably wasn't shared, but wow, it's intense. I haven't seen him in months, but all that crazy sexual chemistry energy happened instantly.

He's definitely one drug I need to stay away from. For his own sake.

I wonder if this "chapter" in my life in Lethbridge is over now. I'm not sure...

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Gay Parenthood & Purpose?

What struck me about seeing a buck, a female deer and their baby together, prancing through the coulees...the mother and father kindly and gently protecting the cute baby deer...was how, as a gay man, I have little to relate to.

I saw a clear and defined family unit, each with their own proscribed roles and purposes in life. In fact, their genetic destinies gave them meaningful purpose in life.

I have no such proscribed, genetically determined meaning in life. Being both protector and nurturer, top and bottom (versatile), aggressor and passive being, and no babies, my meaning in life is more difficult to ascertain.

I say to myself, "Thank God I'm gay - I don't have to have babies." Is this a defense mechanism, born out of knowing I'm gay, and knowing that the likelihood of me ever having babies is nearly zero per cent? Or is a true sentiment?

My thoughts and opinions are probably like most straight men - they are cute, I love 'em, I'd love to grow up with one...but what is lacking in me is the concept of paternity. I don't feel a drive toward paternity. The concept of me "having my DNA profilgated through my baby, and thus, I live forever," is absolutely and completely missing from my psyche. I think this is such an archaic concept.

As a result of being the only male in my family, my family geneology will not continue through me. Do I care? No, not at all.

On the other hand, if I were married, and had an infant, I would definitely have a purpose in life. It would be to support, protect, nurture and give life to my baby. I would do everything in my power throughout their life to do this. My life would take second place.

I guess I have this option...but remember, I'm older, so it's only been a recent invention in Canadian history. So for most of my life, it's not been an option. So have I justified this absence of options for not wanting a baby? Or getting married? Or do I simply like being absolved of genetic predispositions of fatherhood / motherhood / babyhood?

To be honest, I like being abolved of all related genetic purposes. I need to find my own purpose in life, which is...if someone can tell me I'd appreciate it. But I know it's not to be in a "proper family unit with a baby." Although I do like babies.

What are your own thoughts/experience/feelings on this issue? I'd like to know.

Friday, October 20, 2006

White-Tailed Deer

Last week I left my office at about 10pm. I saw 8 white-tailed deer walking up the paved pathway, over the coulees. Oddly out of place among concrete, right angled buildings and human beings, they were a welcomed pleasure. Graceful, curious and cautious, their large, muscular bodies daintily tiptoed across the parking lot and back into the curvareous hillsides. It was a full moon, adding to the supernatural quality of the moment.

Today at 5pm, I saw a buck, a female deer and a baby deer, less than 10 feet away from me, as I stepped out onto my office's patio for a breather. Their white behinds were nearly in my face, as they pranced about the hillside edge, eating leaves from a tree. They were nervous, but not scared, apparently used to human presence.

I know there's a metaphor here - I'm working on it. I will update once it's become clear.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Here's the answer to the tattoo question...

Friday, September 29, 2006

I finally did it. I got a tattoo.

After years of studying them, I am no longer the Un-Tattooed Other. It felt exactly as I had read. It wasn't painful - it was irritating - it felt nice. Actually, getting fucked up the ass is more painful. But what the two experiences share, is unforgetability.

I thought long and hard about what tattoo to get. The young guy who gave it to me did a decent job. It's not art, but technically it's brilliant. But all who get tattoos feel that way - we justify the permanence.

This means, of course, that I'll have to be cremated. The thought of my tattoo decrepitating along with my body is just not a pretty concept. For now, having a pretty interesting tattoo during my waking life is kind of cool.

Can anyone guess what my tattoo is of?
Making Room for Spirit
Allow the universe to breathe in you.

Bathe your cells in the essence of your higher self
The relationship with your Higher Self is only just beginning. You begin to experience deeper and deeper levels of your soul. No longer will the experience of your Higher Self be something outside of you. It becomes something you experience as yourself. Gone are the days when you felt you were channeling some distant frequency from far out space. This visualization is no longer useful in the new energy. Instead, you will feel like you are listening to and guiding yourself.

The energies being released on the planet right now are lessening the distance between you and your Higher Self. As each of you lessen the hold on your earth-based egos, you will increasingly identify with your Higher Self. The immense and difficult processes of dealing with your core issues over the last several months and years have been preparing you for this moment. As you begin to lose your false sense of self – aspects of yourself that you once understood as you – you make room for a greater identification with your true self.

Each one of us has a different energy vibration. Each soul of which we are a part has a unique energy signature. As time goes on, you will begin to intimately know the signature of your soul. In your meditations at this time, as you connect with your higher self, you will discover that you can no longer experience this signature as separate from you. Your higher self insists that you identify it as your own. The method of communicating with your higher self will no longer feel like it is coming from above you, or through your upper chakras. Instead, as the vibration increases, you will find that your higher self has taken residence within the center of your body. Look for it here.

In meditation, sit in the energy of your Higher Self, and get to know your essence. Essence signatures always begin in the major key of love. Bathe in the love of your essence, and allow it to penetrate every cell of your body. Because you have made room for a new consciousness in your body, you may now allow the energy and essence of your higher self to move in. The more you allow this, the more you begin the ascendance process and begin to radiate the light and energy of your higher self. You are given more access to the wondrous powers of your greater being. You have greater access to knowledge stored within your memory banks, and to the energies of the universe.

As you identify with your Higher Self, you will begin to feel larger. Your aura and sense of self will extend beyond your usual experience. Your aura will feel immense and encompass bigger areas. This allows an expansion of your awareness. In meditation, became aware of the magnitude of who you are.

Releasing emotional blocks from the body
Your Higher Self desires to penetrate the cells of your body. The essence of your higher self wishes to take residence here. In order for this to occur, it is important for you to release from the cells of your body any past hurt, suffering, fear and anger. The releasing of core issues begins in the cells of your body and out into your mental bodies. Then the thoughts and beliefs that created these blocks must be surrendered to love. Working with the body is helpful at this time. Experience your core issues at a physical and emotional level, not just a mental level, and release them. Make room for your Hgher Self to integrate with your body. You will experience great relief and renewal of your body as this occurs.

The loving energies of the universe are available to assist you with the process. Kundalini and tantric, energies are the healing and nurturing energies of the universe herself. It is important to breathe and bring oxygen to all caverns of the body, thereby bringing renewal and vitality to the cells of your bodies and organs. Breath allows your cells to breathe. On the in-breath inhale the energy of kundalini, and on the out-breath exhale fear and sorrow, held within your cells.

Allow the universe to breathe in you.

Where there are blockages, the energies of the universe caress you with love and pleasure, until you feel joyous and safe enough to release them. When you no longer hold any fear or sorrow in your cells, the kundalini energies feel gently energizing and as normal as breathing. Learn to follow your body's desire to breathe. Breathe with your feelings. Take deep breaths in rhythm with your emotions, and the clearing process takes place.

As you release blocks in your body, you are more comfortable sitting in your body. There is less tension in your body, and your breath reaches oxygen-starved areas of your organs. You feel more at home in the universe, and trust that you are loved and protected by her. In order for ascension to occur, you must fully own your physical body and feel at home in it.

This is a time of creating a relationship with your body, breath and the essence of your Higher Self. The relationship with your higher self brings you greater wholeness, so as you go out into the world, you greet others with your wholeness, and your relationships are aligned with divine will. You open the door to giving and receiving unconditional love.

Go forth, breathe and get intimate with the essence of your higher self.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Relationships as mirrors

To make up for my inability to post about my own life, here is an old past writing about relationships...

Have you ever noticed how often the qualities that attracted you to your partner or friend turn out to be the same ones you end up hating about him or her?

Why is it that opposites attract? One of the wondrous gifts of complementary or opposite relationships is that they motivate us to greater wholeness and fulfillment, through the laws of mirroring and karma. These laws were formed at the very beginning of our universe.

In the beginning…

Once upon a time, an aspect of The Creator decided out of great love and curiosity, to create a reality in which a part of itself would not remember its true nature. In order to accomplish this, The Creator manifested a body on the third dimensional plane in which to situate an aspect of itself. The Creator gave this body certain limitations, so it wouldn't be able to fully remember who it was. The experiment was to discover if The Creator, when hidden from itself, could remember who it was. In order to assist itself, the human retained, as in all dimensions, the ability to create its own reality according to its beliefs. But because the third dimension is dense, the process of creating reality is slowed down so that it is not as apparent in the higher vibrational realms.

The conditions were so perfectly conceived that when a piece of The Creator contained itself within the body, the density of the third dimension created separation and individuation. The human believed itself to be a separate from all that is, and conceived itself to be individual! This split The Creator's wholeness into complementary pairs, and dualism was born. The human experienced the illusion of self and other, male and female, good and evil, life and death, abundance and poverty.

Dualism also created karma – the law that every action causes a reaction. So whenever the human's actions came from the belief that it was separate, karma ensures that the human has the opportunity to discover that it is not. Until a remembrance of its unity and wholeness is achieved, the human rides the wheel of karma.

In self-love, The Creator (because The Creator is love) provided itself two very important clues to remembering its wholeness: the mirroring nature of reality, and karma. Because wholeness is the fundamental truth of reality, each aspect of reality contains the whole. Therefore every piece of reality contains a holographic mirror of the whole. Reality mirrors one's beliefs, and within that reality is the unity of all that is, and karma allows limitless opportunities to discover this. These gifts allow us, the human – as an individuated piece of The Creator – a path to return home.

The holographic nature of reality is another way of saying, "everything is in relationship." Separateness is an illusion. All things cooperate in relationship to work together. Even the smallest, most invisible and immeasurable particle has consciousness, because it too is a piece of The Creator, and the law of its nature is to cooperate with other particles to create the highest good for all. Relationships are, therefore, another word for cooperation. Your relationship to others, and others' relationships to you, is a cooperation that brings you to remembering your unity and wholeness.

Rediscovering Your Wholeness

The veil between our human selves and our Creator-selves is so effective that it takes us many lifetimes to perceive the relationship between situations, things and ourselves as interconnected. Fortunately, in this new age, mass consciousness is awakening and we have greater opportunity to learn from these relationships, and reclaim our wholeness. The new energy being released into the earth makes us oscillate at a higher vibration, quickening the process, forcing us to confront all the aspects of self that we believe are not whole, and separate from others. The earth plane is becoming less dense, and our beliefs are manifesting our reality at an ever increasing pace, making it clearer that we create our reality.

Because we are master artists at creating our own reality, every relationship we have is reflective of our beliefs. Because reality is a holographic mirror, our relationships give us clear feedback as to what we believe about others, the universe and ourselves. Often our beliefs operate unconsciously, without our awareness. By examining our experience of relationships we may discover our unconscious beliefs, and transform them into beliefs that serve us better.

The Mirroring of Disowned and Shadow Characteristics

One of the primary ways in which relationships serve to remind us of our wholeness is by mirroring aspects of our psyches that we disown. Often we are attracted to people who have complementary or opposite characteristics from ourselves. Whenever we need to acknowledge and develop the other person's characteristics in our own personalities, the complementary characteristics eventually cause conflict in the relationship. Co-dependent relationships form from complementary relationships because we believe we "need" the other person to fulfill aspects in our selves that we are lacking. We also mirror disowned characteristics in the other person – our relationship partner needs to acknowledge and develop the recessive personality characteristics in his or her self, which are dominant in our personalities.

Complementary relationships end up creating conflict between two people because there is a lack of balance between the dominant and recessive aspects of the personalities.

While our partner's dominant characteristics are the basis for our attraction and admiration, the lack of balance between these and opposite characteristics means that these qualities are carried to the extreme. Whenever personality characteristics are carried to the extreme, it suggests they are operating as defensive mechanisms, to protect us from our fear of the opposite characteristic. In complementary relationships, we both need and fear the very characteristics we love in our partner.

I was attracted to Les' qualities of independence, discipline, and confidence. Being a very feeling, expressive, and social person, I was often undisciplined because the flow of my feelings influenced my decisions. I admired how Les' stability allowed the building of financial and material continuity. Likewise, Les admired my expressiveness, creativity, spontaneity and capacity for intimacy. But whenever I pressured Les to display more expressiveness and intimacy, Les would withdraw into greater detachment and coldness. In turn, I would react by becoming more emotional and needy. The positive aspects of our dominant personality characteristics became extreme, revealing themselves as defense mechanisms.

We both feared developing the other's characteristics, because in childhood we had learned that in order to feel safe and loved, we needed to be both unemotional and strong, or emotional and vulnerable. As our conflict heated up, we began to discover the shadow sides of our personalities. The shadow is a part of our selves we believe to be "bad" and "wrong," and deny exists. I discovered I could be raging, volatile, and needy; whereas disassociation, selfishness and abandonment were shadow qualities discovered by Les.

Eventually I couldn't stand the emotionally volatile shadow characteristics I was expressing, so I began to detach and distance myself, taking on Les' defensive reactions. When I no longer allowed myself the verbal outlet, I found myself alone with my feelings of fear, hurt and anger. Taking responsibility for my feelings, I discovered their connection to childhood dramas. Likewise, when I withdrew, Les became more emotionally expressive and volatile.

By taking on my shadow characteristics of detachment and distance, I discovered that my underlying fears and sorrows originated in childhood. I was projecting them onto my relationship with Les. Over time, I made friends with them and began to honor all my feelings, developing greater independence and confidence. Les too discovered that feelings are not to be feared, and became more comfortable expressing them. Though our relationship ended, it allowed us the space to heal and integrate the denied and shadow aspects of ourselves. Having experienced both sides of my shadow, I have developed compassion and understanding for those who feel the need to detach because they fear their emotions and vulnerability. I have also developed the confidence and independence to withdraw to take care of my feelings, when necessary, so that I do not project my issues onto others.

Complementary relationships are karmic contracts agreed to by both souls, as an opportunity to learn that not learned in a past life. These contracts are made out of love, to help one another remember our wholeness. Relationships are an opportunity to heal ourselves by bringing us into confrontation with aspects of ourselves we have disowned, rejected and denied. The mirroring of disowned and shadow characteristics of our personalities also reflects our underlying core beliefs.

The Holographic Mirroring of Core Beliefs

Our relationships holographically mirror our beliefs about others, the universe and ourselves. By examining our relationships, we can discover our unconscious core beliefs. When our relationships cause us suffering, it is our soul's call to heal false core beliefs. These false core beliefs not only affect our experience of relationships, but also limit our experience of all aspects of life.

My relationships mirrored a core belief that affects nearly all of us –
"love is always followed by rejection and abandonment."

Core beliefs influence and affect our life experiences. This particular core issue has its roots in birth. As an infant we are protected, comfortable and surrounded by the love of our mother's womb. Then during birth we sense our mother's psychic pain and understand we are the cause of it; we are forced out of the comfort of the womb, cut from our breathing apparatus (the umbilical cord), slapped, and choking, we gasp for breath. We are born into rejection and guilt.

Just when we begin to recover from the intense shock, we experience abandonment. We are removed from our mother's arms, put in an incubator, away from physical touch and the psychic energy of human nurturing. We have learned not to trust pleasure and love because we have learned it leads to pain and abandonment. This prime belief is reinforced in childhood, to a greater or lesser degree of intensity in all of us, depending on our karma.

The parents we choose reflect our karma, and they reinforce our false core beliefs via emotional patterning in childhood. By looking at our relationships with our primary care givers, we can discover the emotional patterning that took place in childhood, and how it gets re-created in adulthood.

My relationship with Les mirrored my relationship with my father. My father was a loving, kind and generous man who spent a lot of time with me as a child and never outwardly betrayed my trust. But I never felt a heartfelt connection to him. He remained distant and unconnected to me on a heart level, and as a child I felt unloved. I did everything in my power to make him love me from a feeling level. Though I intellectually knew as an adult that he loved me, I never felt the heart-cord connection as a child. This relationship set up the emotional patterning for my relationships. I recreated this relationship with others in order to try to make my father love me. Perhaps if I was successful, I could then believe I was worth loving.

I mirrored my mother by taking on her personality and shadow characteristics. I chose a mother who could be extremely loving, nurturing, intimate and loyal, but when triggered her shadow side would suddenly flare. She would express rage, leading to rejection and some form of abandonment. As a child I lived on eggshells, wondering when her loving and nurturing would suddenly turn to blame. I came to believe that I am responsible for other people's feelings about me, and that I needed to make others happy in order to be loved. Love is something that comes from others, so I am dependent on others to make me feel loved. When my mother was angry, I felt guilty, responsible for her anger, and unlovable.

I manifested these now deeply ingrained beliefs in the rest of my life. I experienced betrayal, rejection and abandonment to a fierce degree in elementary, junior and high school by my peers. But mirroring the childhood experience of my mother, I also experienced great love and appreciation by others – from my teachers and peers at church. I was very popular at church with kids my age, and being the preacher's kid I was treated with honor and respect by the entire congregation. Yet I had no friends in school, and spent many years hiding at recess, or spending lunch alone in a park, several blocks away from school, crying from the loneliness of rejection. I believed I must be truly worthless to be rejected by so many. And I was distrusting of the love I did receive from others because I decided it was based on excelling in school or by my status and position.

Even my understanding of The Creator mirrored my core belief. I was taught that The Creator loves and is kind, and as a child I felt the love of The Creator. But later, when I prayed for help from the constant scorn of my school peers, my prayers were not answered. "The Creator once loved me, and now has abandoned me. Even The Creator thinks I am guilty of punishment and worthy of being hated," I believed.

The volatile emotional swings of my life eventually made me turn to self-destructive behavior – I inflicted self-punishment, even when I wasn't being punished or blamed by anyone. I used drugs and alcohol to escape my self-hatred and guilt. But the pendulum swung in the opposite direct when I turned 20, and with my usual extreme intensity, I began my healing journey.

Although I did much inner work and therapy, and experienced a great deal of healing, the core belief hid like a virus, infecting me on a cellular level, latent, yet subtly influencing every aspect of my life and relationships. As the vibration of the earth increases, our deepest core beliefs manifest and surface to be healed. In relationships, I unconsciously feared being rejected and abandoned from the beginning of feeling loved. And my fear ensured that I created rejection, abandonment and betrayal from others, by provoking it in some manner. Yet I was blind to being the cause of the rejection and later, abandonment.

The people with whom I had relationships shared my core belief, and to a complementary degree of intensity. They would experience their belief of being unlovable as well, because I was blaming and judgmental. My partners experienced that they were unworthy of love. At some point they would abandon me, and I would take on the guilt, and blame (punish) myself.

My relationship with Les mirrored our fears that we are not worthy of being loved.

Our relationships always mirror what we believe we are worthy of receiving.

And were we to be loved, our relationship would end in rejection and abandonment for us both.

Finally, our relationships mirror the relationships of our society, culture and planet. When we surrender our false beliefs and fears, we assist the world in healing.

Such is the wonderful, loving and cooperative nature of relationships, that we are reminded of our core beliefs at every level. And every relationship is an opportunity to discover our wholeness and divinity.

Letting Go of Self-Blame and Punishment

When examining our relationships as mirroring our core beliefs, it is necessary to let go of self-blame and punishment. Because the belief that we are unworthy of love, and deserve to be punished is deeply entrenched in our psyches, we use this knowledge to further punish ourselves and cause ourselves pain. The thought sounds like this: "I am the cause of all my pain, which proves that I am guilty and deserving of punishment. Of course I am unworthy of love." It is only when we begin to realize at an emotional level that we are unconditionally and fully loved by the universe at all times, and it is only our own self-punishment that causes us pain and suffering, that we can transform our beliefs and experiences.

Self-punishment, guilt, the belief in our lack of wholeness and worthiness of love is at the root of all karma and suffering. To step off the karmic wheel, we must surrender guilt, and open to the infinite and unconditional love of The Creator. Then we will remember who we are and that we are one.

Monday, September 04, 2006


I've been as buggy as a wasp in the dying autumn heat; or as obsessive as a ladybug whose house is on fire; or as dragged out as a dragonfly who has disappeared from the decrepit dunghill prairies in search of new climes. I have reams of stories: from the hot hetero BC firefighter who came onto me, setting new fires; to the ex-Romanian Olympic swimmer named Yuri who fondled my crotch seductively... But I ain't got the time. It's not raining h2o, but it is raining men, out here in the outback. I'll get me brelly out, and tell you all, soon. Hang in there.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Attracting Relationships

It's time for some more enlightenment. I wrote this article just as I met my boyfriend BC. Sure, our relationship only lasted three years, but it's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all. I dedicate this article to Single in the City, a sweet and humorous blogger I discovered recently, who is celebrating 60 days of sexual and relationship sobriety. I think the one thing he hasn't investigated is the spiritual aspect of relationships: may you find it now.

In our world there exists a miraculous system of interconnections and relationships, all perfectly and effortlessly orchestrated. Everyone in your life mirrors your beliefs, and vice versa. Not everyone is equally meaningful to you at any given point, but those that hold more purpose and meaning are brought to your conscious awareness.

How do you attract conscious, co-creative relationships into your life? I have been exploring the process of co-creating cooperative and harmonious relationships of all kinds. It begins with healing your false core beliefs, via the mirroring and karmic processes, thereby acknowledging and honoring your wholeness. In this article I review some aspects of the healing process, and look at the process of co-creation.

We are all one
In actuality, everyone is one. We are all whole. All who exist are manifestations of the one Creator. We, as the one Creator, have agreed to individuate, in order to explore who it is that we are. Each one of us is simply an aspect of the one. You have agreed to take on certain aspects of the one, which form your characteristics, personality, and beliefs, and explore them. In each incarnation, you carry false core beliefs from your previous lives, about your lack of wholeness, in order to explore these beliefs and give you the opportunity to discover all that you are. You are the one Creator.

You are, and always have been, involved in cooperative and harmonious relationships. Every person in your life right now is cooperating with you in the most harmonious and loving manner to help you to understand your relationship to, and beliefs about, your inner self. Each person mirrors back to you an aspect of your inner self.

If you choose to believe that you are not whole, then you will attract into your life others that also believe they are not whole. This is the basis for complementary relationships. These are the relationships that often bring much pain and drama. Because if you believe that you are not complete, then you believe that you are in need. And you will believe that you need the other who represents the aspect of you that you believe you are lacking. This causes fear because if the person does not give you what you are lacking, or threatens to leave, then you will feel incomplete, abandoned and unloved.

But when you awaken to your wholeness, and realize that you are not lacking anything, then you will attract people who believe the same thing about themselves, and have more harmonious relationships — relationships based on love and not need.

Vibratory resonance

Every belief you hold emits a particular vibratory resonance. This vibratory resonance is an energy pattern that attracts to itself vibratory resonances similar in nature. These vibratory resonances are the fundamental building blocks of matter, and create our personal experience of physical reality. Whatever and whoever vibrates in a similar matter will be drawn into our personal reality. This is because harmony is the nature of the universe. Just as when a certain pitch of sound is emitted into the environment, all objects that are capable of vibrating at this rate will respond by singing in equanimity.

All relationships are an act of co-creation. What you choose to believe and hold in your consciousness about yourself and others is manifested by your higher self in cooperation with the higher selves of all others. You automatically attract to yourself others who resonate with your beliefs. Our higher selves always act as one, for the highest good of all. This is an important concept to understand because once you understand that we are all one, then you feel connected to everyone else.

The universal web
Everyone around you at any given moment is in your personal reality because they in some way share one or more of your beliefs. These include beliefs about yourself, the world, and the universe. In our world there exists a miraculous system of interconnections and relationships, all perfectly and effortlessly orchestrated. Everyone in your life mirrors your beliefs, and vice versa. Not everyone is equally meaningful to you at any given point, but those that hold more purpose and meaning are brought to your conscious awareness.

You know that a person and situation hold meaning for you when it becomes energetically charged. You may perceive the person and situation as more vibrant and having greater clarity, and/or your emotions are stirred and register the significance of the meeting.

When I meditate on the understanding that I am in relationship with everyone around me, I begin to sense that we are all interconnected by a web of energy, and are in constant telepathic communication with one another. This is a multi-dimensional web, that not only extends through space, but also time. When I open myself, I can feel on an intuitive level the connection I have with my neighbor who I've never met. I intuitively sense that we share similar ideas about abundance, and also believe in living peacefully and without drama.

I can also sense my connection to my grandfather, who I never met, and died a couple decades ago. I can feel his presence, and that we are connected to one another via this interrelational web of energy. As I have continued to grow spiritually, I feel that I am even able to have conversations in my mind with him.

When I reflected on who my next romantic partner might be, I imagined they existed exactly as I desired. I also intuited that they lived in the same city, which was important to me. When I focussed on their existence, and tuned into the particular vibration or experience I was looking for, I imagined that I was plucking a string on the web, which lead to them. I would check in to their vibration once in a while, and stir the web that connected us, to say hello. I reminded myself that we would meet when the moment was right, and that our higher selves were coordinating the co-incident that would bring us together.

Allow the relationship to come to you
Trusting in the knowledge that there exists a universal mind, or an energy web which connects us all in relationship, opens you to experiencing it on a subjective level. You develop complete trust that any connection you desire to make with others are accessible and available, no matter where they exist in the world. You cease searching for the connection because you are solid in your knowledge that your connection will be fulfilled, and manifest, when the time is right.

A columnist in a local paper recently ran a series of articles on how people met their partners in places and situations that are normally considered to be highly unlikely places to meet a serious partner. These included the church at which they were about to be wedded to someone else, looking for anonymous sex in a park washroom, or on a chat line.

There is no such place as the 'right' place to meet someone.
The only right place is where you are in any given moment.

He or she will appear wherever it is you are. In contrast to usual advice, you don't need to go out of your way to hang out at special places, or make any special effort to make contacts for business or relationship purposes. Allow the person to come to you. Open yourself to receiving the relationship you desire.

As in all aspects of your life, always act on any gentle inner nudgings. Avoid trying to second guess where these will lead. This can interfere with the process because your expectations may lead to disappointment, which leads to fear and a lack of trust in the process. Instead, trust that your inner guidance is leading you to exactly where it is you need to be, even though you may not understand its purpose in the moment.

The power of saying "No"
While opening yourself to receiving the relationship you desire, it is likely you will have to exercise the power of saying, "No." Whenever core beliefs are changed, there is a period of adjustment, and people and situations may continue to show up that reflect your old beliefs. One of the most powerful choices you have is to say, "No. I do not choose this for myself any more."

Remember that all your relationships mirror, in a holographic manner, our relationship to our inner self. Relationships include friendships, co-workers, clients, family members and relatives, romantic partners and anyone you interact with in the living of your life. None are exempt. For example, if you are working for an employer with whom you have a frustrating, difficult and discordant relationship, then it is important to examine your patterns and choices in this relationship.

As I began my healing process, one of the first relationships that no longer were tolerable for me was with my employer. I came to the point where I could no longer agree to his unreasonable expectations, and the lack of respect I received. Although I had no job to go to, I bravely gave my notice after weeks of contemplation. I felt that for my mental, emotional and spiritual health I needed to deeply trust in my inner guidance and take a step into the unknown.

One of the most difficult relationships I had to let go of was with a friend I had known since childhood. As I grew, our paths diverged, and I no longer found her to treat me as lovingly as I had begun to treat myself. She hadn't changed — only I had. What was once okay for me, no longer was.

After my last romantic relationship, I was determined to never enter into one that was similar, and repeat the same patterns. I decided that I would rather be single for the rest of my life, than have a repeat performance. Because of the work I had done on healing my issues, I became very sensitive to any signs that a similar dynamic was occurring between a romantic interest and me. It had also become very clear as to what I didn't want to experience with a partner. No matter how attracted or lonely I was, or how much we may have had in common, if there were signs of a dynamic I no longer wished to play out, I would trust my perceptions and feelings and say, "No." Sometimes I wondered if I was making the right decisions.

After more than three years of saying "No" more often than I would have liked to, I discovered I was making it very clear to my higher self that I was saying, "Yes" to having people in my life who reflected back to me my self love. And I was rewarded with wonderful friendships over time. I was enjoying my life so much, that I did not feel I was lacking anything by not having a romantic relationship. It is not that I didn't think it was possible — I knew that my partner would show up when the time was right, but I was in no hurry for it to happen. I felt more whole than I ever had in my whole life.

Following your passions
The energy I used to devote to finding a romantic partner became diverted to pursuing new interests and passions — such as writing about relationships. I am still surprised that writing brings me so much joy, because it was something I previously never enjoyed doing, or thought I did well. The inner excitement I feel whenever I finish an article, and upload it to the web makes me vibrate with bliss. I can literally feel bolts of energy beam from my body. Over the last few years I have become more focussed on fulfilling myself, instead of looking for someone to do it for me. I have started a new business, began teaching, set fitness goals, traveled, and began fixing up my home.

Doing whatever brings you great joy and excitement helps to attract harmonious relationships, because you are following your inner purpose, which leads to a greater sense of wholeness. It raises the rate of your vibration, intensifying its signal, so you attract more of the same experience.

Defining your relationship desires
In examining your karmic core issues through the mirroring process, relationship patterns become clearer. This is useful, because what you no longer wish to experience in a relationship is defined. It is useful to write these down on paper, and make them concrete. Clarify these as you grow and understand who you are and what your needs and desires are.

For example, I decided that in my next relationship I no longer wished to experience with my partner:
• drama
• intense conflict
• neediness and longing
• invalidation of my feelings and perceptions
• rejection and abandonment
• lack of affection
• emotional detachment
• disregard of boundaries
• controlling behavior
• dishonesty
• denial
• betrayal

It is also important to write what you would like to experience. In my list I included:
• peace
• joy
• love
• effortlessness
• nurturing
• intimacy
• gentleness
• laughter
• respect
• physical attraction
• trust

In knowing myself, I wrote down the characteristics I wished my partner to have:
• ability to communicate their feelings and thoughts
• be at a similar place in awareness of their issues and healing
• be open to and share similar spiritual beliefs
• have creative interests
• be interested in fitness
• enjoy traveling
• have a healthy balance of independence and interdependence
• live in the same city
• be following their own passions and interests
• be financially responsible

I added a few qualities to my list that weren't necessary, but would be bonuses. My partner would:
• be similar in age
• enjoy hiking, camping and outdoor activities
• have friends that I like and get along with well
• have things to teach me
• like gardening and taking care of their home
• be tall in height

In imagining the romantic partner I would like to have, I drew upon positive feelings and experiences I had with previous partners. I would identify the exact feeling I enjoyed the most with other partners, and imagined having this with my next partner. It is difficult to verbalize these feeling experiences, but I felt them as though they were happening now.

Once in a while, whenever the impulse struck me, I would imagine this relationship in meditation. After three years, when I was able to visualize this without attachment, fear or a sense of longing, I met someone with whom I have been able to experience this kind of relationship and meets each one of my needs and desires. Down to the last detail.

Each one of your desires is holy and honored by the universe. Because you are divine, all of your desires are fulfilled automatically through the co-creative process. Becoming conscious of your beliefs and choices awakens you to your wondrous power, and the limitless love of all that is.

Wow, reviewing all list made me realize BC nearly fit the requirements perfectly - I think the one thing I forgot to put on my list was "he's not bisexual, but instead is perfectly comfortable with his gay sexuality." Next time...

Friday, August 25, 2006

A Banal Blowjob

Last week after chatting with half a dozen guys, I ended up meeting none of them. The first "date" didn't show up as planned. When I got home he had emailed me a weak apology, explaining that he got home late from a friend's house where he was helping him pour concrete in his backyard. I didn't bother to reply.

I never heard from the handsome blond bisexual again, nor have I seen him on MSN since.

I was supposed to email the gay couple the afternoon before we were to meet that evening. I did, and didn't hear back from them.

Nor did I hear from the ex-Vancouverite this week - we had suggested going for coffee once he got back from M*edicine Hat.

Apparently cruising in small town L*thbridge isn't that different from cruising in Vancouver, or anywhere else in the world.

I went online this afternoon, feeling horny but not hopeful, when I saw someone new on the chat. I messaged him, and found out he was 6'1", 180 lbs, 42" chest, 31" waist, 7.5" cut cock, blue eyes and light brown hair. A hairy chest. He was 42 according to his profile - just a year older than me, but because his hair was receding, he looked what I normally think of as 42. But he was handsome. He was a runner who enjoyed training for marathons. I found out he lives just a block away from where I work out, so we arranged to meet in front of my gym, and if we were interested, we'd fool around. My attitude was rather blasé about the situation, but I had nothing better to do.

It's been so long since I had sex that I was a little worried that I wouldn't get turned on. After all, his picture didn't convey that he's drop dead sexy. He kind of looked like someone's father. I tried to remember what I used to do to get a hard on, but the memories were faint. In the past in Vancouver I was normally a little drunk when hooking up, but since I don't drink any more, that wasn't an option. Plus I wanted to lift weights afterward.

So I took a thorough shower, got dressed in shorts and a tank top, and hopped on my bike to the gym. I worked up a bit of a sweat - it was hotter outside than I realized, and began worry about being hot, sweaty and sticky. If I were meeting up for sex with an ex-boyfriend I wouldn't be concerned, but with a stranger with whom I have no history or connection, it seemed a little too intimate to introduce personal pheremones and body fluids into the tryst.

I arrived on time, and I saw him at the far end of the parking lot. I parked my bike and walked over to him. He looked a bit younger than his picture, and was a little cuter than I expected. He looked awkward, but I thought, "What the heck, let's give it a try," and after saying hello, asked if I should lock my bike up and come with him.

"Sure," he said.

It was only one short block to his house, and on the way he said hello to two people - L*thbridge is that small. (I told you, everyone knows each other here.) One was to a guy in a car that passed us, and the other was to a guy walking across the street - they had walked their dogs together just a couple of hours ago. Meanwhile, I was trying to think of how I could get turned on - what was there about him or the situation that I could eroticize. I can't even remember what he was wearing - he was that non-descript. I know it was shorts, a t-shirt and sandals because he told me he on the chat he would be wearing these, but I couldn't tell you what colour or style they were. I did like his friendly/nervous manner and blue eyes - he kind of looked like the typical Lethbridge man. Sort of Mormon, sort of Dutch, sort of Caucasian/bland. His voice had a slight "gay" sound to it, but it wasn't overly pronounced.

We entered his house from the backyard. It was a wood paneled home from the 1920s. He had just finished renovating it. As we walked into the back porch, he explained he had a miniature weiner dog (sorry, I can't think of the name of the dog). It's one of those short, but very long dogs with tiny legs. They're really cute. I took off my running shoes in the covered back porch, and walked into an immaculate house, with new wood floors. It was tastefully and modestly painted and decorated. The style was inspired by the prairies - a little barren, but solid. We stood in his kitchen talking for a few minutes, and then he led me upstairs to his bedroom. I wondered if he had an appointment later - everything seemed a bit rushed and impersonal. He didn't give me any real personal details, like what he did for a living. I didn't offer any either.

He took my backpack and explained, "I'll put it in the closet. Not because I want to steal it or anything, but the dog will chew on it if it's left on the floor." Whatever. I asked to use his washroom, and he went to his linen closet and got me a washcloth and matching towel, which I appreciated because I wanted to wipe the dew off my skin. While in the washroom, I realized how weird this situation was. I really didn't feel anything - not excitement, apprehension and especially not sexual arousal.

When I finished in the washroom, I went into his bedroom, and he was standing there talking to his dog, telling it to lie down and be quiet. It always disturbs me when I have sex in front of an animal. I'm a little afraid it will want to join in. He holds me gently by my shoulders and tries kissing me. It was a very non-committal kiss. It was like he didn't want to kiss me, but didn't know what else to do. He's the awful kind of kisser that just flicks his tongue in and out at you. Without any foreplay, he removes my shirt and says, "You've got a nice chest." He nervously touches my chest.

I take off his shirt, and discover that he is hairy - a light brown hair, with a small but very toned chest. Not exactly sexy, but not awful either. We move in toward each other and hug, avoiding our lips touching, and I realize his hairy chest is rather scratchy. It's not silky smooth like BCs was. His body also feels wiry. Like tight little muscles all bunched up in his back and chest and arms. His skin isn't soft - although it doesn't look pimply, it feels like there are hard little bumps, so it's not terribly pleasurable to feel his body or his skin or his hairy chest.

I console myself with the thought that "at least he said he has a 7.5" cock." The next thing I know is that he's removed my shorts, and his own shorts, which he folds neatly and puts on the dresser so his dog doesn't eat them.

He unceremoniously lays down on his bed, so I join him, wondering if I'm going to get an erection. I'm not nervous or turned off - I just feel neutral. Again, he tries kissing me with his snake tongue for about three seconds, then fortunately stops and moves down and begins using his flickering tongue on my nipples. It feels not bad, but he doesn't have a lot of skill in this department. He doesn't realize that he needs to slightly bite them, then flicker his tongue on them, and repeat. I let my hand wander over to his underwear, and grab his package - he's already nearly erect! My dick is as limp as West Coast slug.

After a far too brief time on my nipples, he pulls off my underwear with no warning, and begins sucking on my limp dick. It just feels wet. His weiner dog meanwhile is whining and whimpering on the side of the bed, so he breaks every few seconds to tell the dog to "shoosh, and lay down."

He apologizes to me, and says, "I'm sorry, he's such a good dog though - but he may have to come up on the bed with us. Is that okay?"

I'm thinking, "Fuck, no!" But instead I say, "Well, as long as he doesn't join us," trying to make it sound like I'm joking.

He goes back to mouthing my still limp cock, but gradually it lengthens a little. He stretches it occasionally with his middle finger and thumb. I start playing with my own nipples, close my eyes and make a concerted effort to block out the dog in the room.

I decided to check out his dick, so I sit up and take off his underwear. His cock is fairly hard, and it looks nice. I wouldn't say it was 7.5" - if it is, then so is mine - I may even be larger. Nevertheless, I begin sucking on it, and it's nicely proportioned - not too thin, not too thick, not quite average either. It feels nice in my mouth.

I take a moment to play with his balls, and I noticed that they're not low hangers. They're rather tight against the base of his dick. Not bad though. I continue to suck his dick, easily deep throating it (BC forever changed my sucking technique) and realize that I'm actually enjoying myself. I get hard. He doesn't make a sound while I'm sucking on it, so I don't know if he's enjoying himself or if I'm doing a good job.

After just a few minutes, he puts his hand on his cock as if to stop me. I look up at him, and he says, "I'm close to cumming." I'm surprised - after so short a time? After practically no erotic foreplay or interaction? He gestures to get into a 69 position, so I move around so that my cock is over top of his mouth, and his is below me.

He says, "You've got a nice cock," and I reply, "Thanks, so do you."

The position is a little awkward for me - I need to use my muscles to balance properly, which takes my attention away from any sensation of having my cock sucked. After a few minutes he says, "Do you like being rimmed, or ass play?"

If he was a boyfriend, or I was in the midst of having hot sex with a super hottie, I would have said yes. But I couldn't imagine having my butt played with by his tongue or his finger. It would probably just feel wet and weird. I said, "sometimes, but not right now."

His profile on the chat mentioned that he was a top - I tried to form the mental imagine in my mind of him fucking me, and it just didn't work. Besides, it's not something I do with a stranger.

Meanwhile, my finger is wandering over to his ass, playing with rubbing his hole with saliva from his balls. For the first time he makes a small moaning sound. I momentarily try imagining fucking him, and again, no mental picture forms. The attempt to imagine fucking him begins to turn me off, so I move out of the 69 position, and lay on my back, waiting for him to blow my now mostly erect cock.

He moves on top of me, facing me, and begins sucking my cock properly, and manages to play with my nipples with his hands at the same time. I focus intensely on the sensations, and manage to get into it. It actually feels really good. I'm quite hard now, and he's deep throating me, and I can feel his snake-like tongue flickering the underside of my cockhead. I feel like humping his mouth aggressively, but don't - I'm not sure if he'd like that.

I let him go on and on, until I realize I haven't pleasured him in quite a while, so thinking it's my turn to do him, I sit up, and he lays down on his back. I momentarily imagine climbing onto his face and forcefully sticking my cock in his mouth and fucking it - that always turned BC on. But again, I'm not sure if he likes aggression. So instead I go back to sucking his cock.

After just a few minutes he puts his hand on his cock to stop me, and says, "I'm close, I'm going to cum." I think to myself, "Why the hell not, let's get it over with."

"How would you like me to cum?" he asks me. I look puzzled, so he says, "I mean, on your chest, face or in your mouth?" I find his question a bit odd - I'm not sure how to respond. I really don't care - I don't get particularly excited by cum on my face though. I mean, it could get in my eyes. So I say, "Where do you like it?"

"In my mouth," he answers, quickly.

I said, "I like that too." So I go back to blowing him, and within 30 seconds he cums, without making any noise. I wouldn't have known he'd had an orgasm except that my mouth filled up with his cum. I wasn't sure that I wanted his cum in my mouth, but now it was, and cautiously I tasted it, wondering if I should spit it out in case it tasted gross.

But amazingly, it was probably the best cum I've ever tasted! It tasted completely neutral and clean. It was delicious! I swallowed it, and went back to licking up any traces left on his cock. I became a cum hungry cocksucker for a moment.

He looked completely drained, but I moved onto my back, waiting for him to finish me off. He collected his energy, and went down on me, doing quite a good job. I played with my nipples, which always increases the pleasure of a blow job for me, and within a minute or so came in his mouth. I looked at him, and he had a momentary look as if, "Um, do I want to swallow this?" After looking down at my stomach with his mouth full and wondering if he should spit it out, he decided to swallow it. And then he went back to sucking my dick, which was now overly sensitive and I yelped and hollered like his weiner dog.

I groaned, and he got up and grabbed the towel and washcloth and threw it at me, while he went to clean up. His weiner dog jumps up on the bed and starts chewing on my underwear, growling and flipping it back and forth like he's fighting with it. I pull them out of his mouth and put them on. Within moments, he was back and getting dressed, so I did too. I was still impressed by how delicious his cum was, so without thinking I said, "Are you a vegetarian?"

"What? Why do you ask?" he said.

"Well, it's a little gross, but…your cum tasted fantastic."

He smiled, pleased, and said, "Yeah, I only eat organic fruits and vegetables and some fish."

"I can tell," I said.

My bland but delicious tasting Lethbridge guy said we should get together again, I agreed, and before I knew it, I was out the door and on my way to the gym. In fact, I'd nearly forgotten about the whole blowjob by the time I reached the end of the block. I realized this, and thought - wow, that was so banal.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

GLBT committees: their true colours?

Why is it that GLBT organizations are often so disorganized, dysfunctional and ultimately negative experiences for volunteers and hired contractors? In Vancouver, I worked on a large project for the GLBT community. I'd never been involved before at the organizational level and was excited to meet some of the driving forces and contribute my talents and abilities. After working with them for about six months, I realized I'd never worked with more fucked up, inexperienced and selfish people in my life.

Perhaps it's this way in every volunteer-based, non-profit society? Possibly it's true in every board driven organization? What I discovered is that it's highly political, in the social sense. Those who work on the board as supports tend to walk on egg shells, trying to avoid upsetting the delicate sensitivities of the more powerfully positioned and ego-maniacal personalities of the directors and other power players.

In this instance, there was a gay man who did a lot of the actual work in organizing the association, writing grants and making connections with other people in the community to get work done. He seemed to be working out of the goodness of his heart, because he truly cared about the organization and what it was doing. He appeared to be well balanced, soft spoken and a genuinely kind person. He lived off of disability so he worked as a volunteer. I'm not sure what the disability was for - I think it had something to do with being HIV positive, or possibly having AIDS, but I didn't clarify this with him.

Then there was a transgendered person, a male who lived as a female, who was possibly the most revolting, loud, sleazy, untalented, aggressive and manipulative human being I've ever met. Somehow this awful and corrupt person managed to get an important government job in health services. I honestly think she moved up to a Director position simply because the government has a policy of hiring visible minorities, not because she had any important skills or even a university education. (After getting the Director's job, she went on disability and has been on it for years and years - I'm not sure what it was for, but something to do with stress, depression and transgendered issues. So now she worked in a volunteer, assistant director capacity.) She was disorganized, couldn't write and showed up at meetings to bully people, pushing her personal agendas, and trying to gain power with her very loud voice. When she wanted something from you, she'd be very nice. She also constantly crossed professional/personal boundaries - I can't tell you how many times she aggressively sexually harassed me, and in entirely inappropriate situations. For instance, in a taxi she told me in her loud voice so that the driver could hear, how she'd been fucked last night by a trick, and then went onto tell me that she still had a penis, etc.

We constantly butt heads because she had no experience in the area that I worked, so didn't understand the process of how things are done. Actually, no one on the committee understood my area of expertise, so I was always educating them. For some reason they didn't believe what I told them, so they'd go contact another professional in my industry to make sure I wasn't lying. It would turn out that I was right, but it never seemed to build trust in me - I felt constantly under attack. The campaign turned out fabulous, everyone loved it and it was effective, but getting it accomplished was the biggest nightmare of my career.

Another contractor the association hired was a young gay male, again, professionally inexperienced, but who had a pleasing personality. It was his job to try to organize the campaign, and facilitate all of the competing and conflicting personalities in the association. I secretly called him 'The Politican,' because he was so skilled at being a people-pleaser without saying or doing anything concrete. He gained the support of all the important people and attempted to be the go-between myself and the rest of the organization. He also managed to get all of the public and media recognition from the campaign - he was the public personality and took all of the credit. He also liked to schmooze with Vancouver politicians, and found every opportunity to be photographed with them.

After working with them for a week, I began to hear all the gossip and cutting comments everyone had to say about each other, behind their backs. No one liked the transgendered Assistant Director but everyone was scared of her. The male Director who appeared to be nice, showed his true colours when something didn't go his way - he became unreasonable, irrational and stubborn. Then everyone danced around agreeing with him, even when it was clear that he was wrong. The other committee members were mostly silent, expressing their opinions on a rare occasion, but didn't insist on having their way done. Many of them were very professional and experienced, and I think they looked at the directorship as ridiculous, and avoided getting involved in the constant soap opera.

It seems to me that GLBT organizations tend to attract very screwed up people. I've even noticed it here in L*thbridge. There's always the young people, who are new to coming out, full of passion and anger at society, who act as though they have a chip on their shoulder because no one ever listened to them, and are incapable of working as a team. Someone brings up an idea and if it doesn't fit into their personal agenda, they disagree vehemently and aggressively. The concept of multiple perspectives and needs isn't in their mental framework. These associations also attract older versions of these youngsters, but are additionally motivated by gaining power and position. Why is it that these organizations always tend to attract people with no professional experience in their role? Also, sorry to be politically insensitive, but I've found transgendered people to be the most difficult to deal with it, as well as lesbians.

The GLBT community is likely a more extreme version of most organizations, committees and boards, because those involved have had to deal with negative personal and societal attitudes toward their sexuality. They are constantly battling their internalized self-hatred and externalize it when attempting to work with others. Likely the situation is better in larger cities like San Francisco and New York because there is greater acceptance of gays and lesbians.

Ironically working with them made me feel like an enemy within my own community - something I've never experienced when working with the heterosexual community. It's amazing that anything ever gets accomplished.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

There is Life in L*thbridge

Thursday night I decided to check out and was amazed to discover that there were actually half a dozen or so guys online from L*thbridge. Usually the chatroom is empty or there's one lurker who's always on. Maybe it's because the post-secondary students are coming back into town, getting ready for the fall term. Anyway, I ended up chatting with a few interesting men.

The first was a young 24 year old couple who moved here from Ontario. Both of them are pretty hot. They wanted me to come over and fool around. In particular, the blond wanted me to "aggressive f*ck" his boyfriend. Unfortunately it was too late for me to travel to the end corner of this town, so I passed. Since then we've been volleying messages back and forth.

Then "L*thbridge bisexual" messaged me. I started chatting with him before I looked at his profile, and oh my goodness, he has to be one of the best looking guys I've ever seen. He's 26, 6'2", 180 lbs, blond, blue eyes and has the most gorgeous lats and smile. After chatting for a while, he wanted to go to MSN because he kept getting messaged by the other guys on After chatting for a while, I discovered that he has practically no experience with gay sex, other than at parties where other guys get drunk and fool around a bit. He met one guy out dancing once, and ended up blowing each other in his car. He's a student. Unfortunately I had to take a phone call, so I ended up losing our chat. Nevertheless, it made me feel more positive about this city.

Another handsome guy I chatted with, 33, moved here from Vancouver about four years ago. We had a lot to reminesce about, but he actually likes L*thbridge. He invited me to go for coffee this upcoming week, once he gets back from Medicine Hat.

Then last night I chatting with another bisexual guy, who apparently lives just a few blocks from me. He's closer to my age, 5'7", 165, brown hair and green eyes. He offered to connect me to his web cam, but because MSN doesn't make the most recent version for Mac, I was unable to see him live. Nevertheless, we're going for a hike in the coulees tonight.

I guess I'll be walking under the H*gh Level Bridge - not across it - for now.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Small Town Celibacy

[Picture: At the bottom of the coulees of Lethbridge]

One thing I really dislike about Lethbridge is that it has put a complete end to my sex life. If there are gay people here, I don't have a clue where to find them. There's a few online, but the majority are unattractive old men. Long gone are the days of going online and hooking up with a hot guy within an hour, like it was in Vancouver.

Apparently there are "gay dances" once a month at the Polish Centre here, but only from September to May, when the university kids are in town for school. I've heard that everyone stands around nervously giggling like at a high school dance. I can't imagine the music would be any good either.

There are no coffee shops or mixed dance clubs in this city to meet other gay men. Apparently the trails down by the coulees are frequented, but again, mostly with older men, and that scene just isn't my style.

Then it seems when you do meet someone for a coffee, or online, you end up knowing their entire social network. It becomes very messy. Long gone are the days of hooking up with someone once or twice, and never running into them, or their friends, again.

It could be my own projection, but I also get the impression that because the gay people here live in a small town, they're a lot more sensitive. They actually have feelings - you can hurt them if you turn them down, or don't want to see them again, or possibly even just have bad sex. And because you know where they work, or who their friends are, or go to the same university, or your sister is married to one of their cousins, or you go to the same church - there's just no getting away from the situation. You have to be accountable for all your actions here. One bad word from some gay guy you meet to another gay guy in Lethbridge, and your reputation is tarnished. People will whisper behind your back. Because people's lives here are so dull, it becomes the discussion du jour around the water cooler.

I met a cute young kid, 20, for a possible hook up the other day. We met for coffee, and after talking for an hour, I realized I just couldn't have sex with him. Not because I didn't want to, or that he was unattractive: it was because I was afraid of hurting his feelings. He tried to put on a good "front" - as though he was casual about sex and hook ups. But part of me didn't buy it. Because there are so few options here, I imagine gay guys fall in love with someone new at the drop of a hat. They're just so relieved to have met someone who shares their sexuality that they're not terribly picky.

In addition, he happened to know quite a few people that I know, and with whom I will have to interact with regularly over the upcoming year. I could imagine that if I had sex with him, then didn't bother to contact him again, how rejected and hurt he'd feel, and how he'd tell all those people we both know.

I can understand why so many gay men in Lethbridge travel to Calgary regularly, just to "get some." I'm going to have to make several trips in the upcoming months.

Another guy I've chatted with online for a few months is bisexual (and he probably reads this, so stop reading now!). Like many bisexual men, he wanted to be assured of complete confidentiality, even down to the fact that if we saw each other around town we wouldn't say hello to one another. That surprised me: while this situation never came about for me in Vancouver (because it's so large) I thought, "What's the big deal with saying hello?" But after talking more, we discovered that we'd be working out at the same gym eventually, and if I saw him, I'd have to pretend I didn't know him. Apparently he is well known in Lethbridge, and doesn't want to risk anyone knowing that he fools around with other men. Not being able to acknowledge one another's presence, even just by saying, "Hello," disturbed me. It didn't sit right with me - especially if we had fooled around together and been intimate. And it pisses me off that he'll be working out at the same gym as myself, meaning that I'll probably have to deal with the situation. So at this point in time, I'm very split as to whether or not we should hook up. We haven't yet.

I really don't know how gay men manage to live in such a small town. I can't wait to leave. Man, do I ever miss getting together with Brad. Not just because of his looks - I felt like we really connected on some level. But I haven't heard or seen from him in over a month. Some guy, the same age as Brad, committed suicide last week by jumping off the High Level Bridge [see image above]. They didn't release his name in the paper - I hope it wasn't Brad.

Who knows, it might be me soon!

Monday, August 14, 2006


[Note: This soccer player looks nothing like J.C., but I haven't been able to find a pic of someone who's as gorgeous and blond as J.C. yet, so this is just eye candy filler.]

"Why don't you go fuckin' nail yourself to the wall, if you can't nail the ball, you fuckin' fuck-up." J.C. said, with perfectly shaped, full lips and a scowl on his flawless face. This said after a team member missed smashing the volleyball into the opponents arena.

He was one of those German/Scandanavians, who's so blond, their long eyelashes are invisible, as are their shapely brows. Nearly albino, his short, but full head of thick blond hair was silvery in sunlight.

Provoked at any real or imagined sleight, this freak of nature would yell in a deep voice, puff up his pectorals, fist his hands and get in yer face. You thought he was about to punch you in any given moment. But he looked like an angel.

He was heard to have said, "I'm the smartest guy around here," and chose a new person to pick on every few days. I used to watch him stretching during warm-ups, in his shorts and tank, marveling at his smooth, small-pored skin and blushed-ivory skin. I drooled over his Men's Fitness body; his shapely thighs that ended in a rounded, fuckable butt. When he leaned back on his arms, I enviously admired his defined triceps and biceps. Doing sit ups I imagined the abs underneath his wife-beater, and the square swell of pectorals with tongue inviting rose-colored nipples.

He liked to loudly proclaim how rich and important his father is, how big their country home is, how many boats and Rvs they owned. Although he gave me many reasons to not like him, I couldn't help it. I saw him as a young kid (23) who simply hadn't grown up yet. J.C. overheard me talking to someone about my history, and after thinking for a while, he came running over to me. He had a habit of standing too close to people, then speaking loudly and gesturing aggressively.

"How old were you when you went to university? 8?" His silvery green eyes looked at me widely. "How old the fuck are you?" His index finger stabbed me in the chest when he made his point.

Immensely complimented, I told him, and he replied, "Holy shit, I thought you were fuckin' just a few years older than me, maybe ten. I didn't realize you could be my fuckin' father!"

After being at the retreat for a week, I never saw J.C. in the weight gym. I realized he didn't work out. He played sports with us, but I never saw him working on his perfect body. I eventually approached him, and said:

"I never see you working out in the weight room - don't you lift weights?"

"No," he said sullenly.

Mirroring his language, I said, "Holy shit, so you look like that without working out?"

J.C. smiled bigly when he realized I was stroking his ego, and said, "Yeah."

I said, "I didn't even know there were people like you…am I ever envious!"

"I guess you and I both have good genes." J.C. said.

Just at that moment, another guy, Cody from Vancouver, came walking up and saw our interaction and said, "What you talking about? Did Intertextual just tell you you're cute?"

It must have been obvious that I was flirting. I was embarrassed, but J.C. seemed non-plussed and laughed, shaking it off.

Cody said, in a joking tone, "Well you are J.C."

As a result, I didn't have to deal with being the object of J.C.s anger management problem during my vacation.

J.C.s bravado must have been masking a very sensitive nature, because he was one of the few guys who broke down and cried when we all said goodbye.

Saturday, August 12, 2006


Kevin explained a co-dependent relationship by 'going off' on a narrative-rant (and it wasn't even directed at me):

"You like to get involved with someone who is less educated, talented and attractive than you, so that you get to feel needed. You believe that this person needs your help, and because you have so much to offer, you get a false sense of security by being with them - you think they won't leave you, because there's no one better for them than you.

But overtime, you actually do help them to feel better about themselves, so that their self-esteem raises and they realize that you're not the right person for them. So they end up leaving you anyway.

You wonder why you're always betrayed. Ironically, you were the one dependent on them."

Kevin's rant was directed at someone else, but it actually impacted me. I'd never heard it described so clearly before. It described each of my relationships! It's really made me reconsider my past decisions...

Friday, August 04, 2006

Trevor: Unmasked: Part 3
Read Part 2 here.

Trevor's nipples became erect when we entered the air conditioned hospital. He had goosebumps, so he put on his t-shirt.

Because it's a small country hospital, there was no one waiting. Trevor got admitted immediately. There was a mirror on the wall, in which Trevor looked at himself. He made faces at himself, trying to move the muscles on the left side of his face. He looked so cute.

The doctor was cute too. He looked like he was 21. He was short and cute. He used the internet to look up Trevor's problem.

Trevor had a virus, that started eating up the muscular nerves on the left side of his face. In the majority of cases, the nerves heal, but it may take one to three months. What's ironic is that, in therapy, Trevor was working on "unmasking."

"I guess I've only half-unmasked," he said.

He had just taken a workshop in un-masking. Before I met him, he was Mr. Tough Guy. I guess I was meeting the kinder, gentler guy.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Trevor: Unmasked

Read the first part here.

His right eye wouldn't stop blinking.

"See," Trevor said.

I looked him straight in the face and noticed for the first time how long his dark and thick his eyelashes were. They lined his lids, making the green in his eyes more prominent. He moved his head from side to side, first showing me one eye, then the other. The soft morning light lit his face, and his chiseled jaw and cheekbones cast dramatic shadows. He is a living Caravaggio.

I turned a little red when I gazed at his lips and remembered my early morning fantasy. He blinked twice about once every second.

"Everyone's going to think I'm winking at them," he joked.

Since he had developed a sore throat two days earlier, I wasn't too concerned for him. Sometimes when I'm coming down with a cold, my eye will twitch, imperceptibly for a few days. True, it didn't blink like Trevor's eye, but perhaps this was just a different manifestation of the same problem.

Leaving the 7-11 the next day, I saw Trevor with a group of other people from the retreat outside, gorging themselves on buffalo wings, corndogs and slurpees. I decided to slip away and go back to camp without saying hello: there were a few obnoxious guys I didn't feel like dealing with.

I turned the corner, thinking I'd successfully avoided them, when I saw Trevor catch my eye. With a smirk on his face he impulsively dashed toward me, and said, "Think you'd get away from me that easily?" He winked at me.

Without warning, he peeled off his t-shirt in a quick, fluid motion. Smooth Hershey milk chocolate skin rippled with taut pecs and abs. A flash of dark hairy armpits. Tufts of silky chest hair danced between his pecs, and trailed from his navel into nether regions.

"Could you do that in slow motion?" I wanted to ask. His nipple was at my eye level, and I was dangerously too close.

"I can't close my left eye now," Trevor said, then sucked on his vanilla slushee.

"What do you mean?" I offered him a piece of my Cadbury Fruit and Nut Bar.

"No thanks, I don't like chocolate," he said. He stopped suddenly, facing me, and I nearly walked mouth first into his pecs. He squinched, but only the right side of his face wrinkled. The left side didn't move.

"See?" he said.

The right side of his mouth curled into a sneer, but the left side remained placid. His blinking right eye and brow scowled, but the left eye remained open and expressionless.

"Holee, when did that happened?" I asked, horrified.

"It started this morning when I woke up," Trevor said. "I think it's gotten worse as the day went on."

"Have you seen a doctor?" I asked.

"No, but do you think I should? Everyone's just been teasing me about it, so I wasn't sure if it was serious."

"So you can't even shut your left eye when you try? How are you going to sleep tonight?" I asked, in horror. "I think we should go to emergency RIGHT NOW!" We started walking at a face pace toward the country hospital, only a few blocks away. I wanted to run there.

"What do you think it is…a stroke?" he wondered, aloud. "Maybe it's a reaction to the antibiotics I'm taking for my sore throat?"

"I don't know, but we definitely need to get it checked out."

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Boreal Bluet

writing without punctuation
is like the dragonfly that
slipstreams cross the surface
of the mirror and is
reflected 423 times two
but doesn't see itself because
it's driven along by the current
it navigates with gossamer wings
and only angels know to where it goes
it distinguishes itself not from the
wind or the water or the waves of grass
it glides glistening a fluorescent blue
a sliver of sky let loose and fluttering
it flies by and by

Thursday, July 20, 2006


I saw the back of his neck, first. The chocolate latte skin. And the beautiful shape of his sculptured head, shaved bristle-short. Then he turned around and smiled at me with smoky hazel eyes framed by streamlined brows, an aquiline nose and full, beautifully shaped lips. The corners of his mouth curled upward into a single quotation mark.

I couldn't stop looking at his lips. The way his pearly teeth pressed into them, softly lingering. He looked like a Dolce and Gabbana model: unattainable. But he exuded an earthy, comforting warmth.

He said hello in a voice I wanted to snuggle into. And when he extended his arm in greeting, I noticed his baseball sized bicep and skull tattoo. I was a bit scared, because if you didn’t notice the genuine friendliness in his eyes, you might think he would stick a knife into you.

"Trevor," he said.

He told me that he had been in and out of prison for various reasons, including vehicle thefts, possession of firearms and public mischief. But that’s because he’d been doing crack and crystal meth. Then he spent 8 months in a psychiatric hospital seeing demons while hallucinating, brought on by the drugs. Trevor said it had made him a believer in the spiritual realm.

While in the hospital, another patient wrote him a rap song.

"Do you want to hear it?" Trevor asked me.

He sat down and leaned in closer to me, so his lips nearly touched my ear, and without hesitating spoke the words in rhythm. His cappuccino voice was hypnotic and put me in a spell. I wanted to lay cupped in arms in bed, having him whisper songs in my ear.

He showed me his tattoo: a skull with a cross on its forehead, and a gun-holding hand with the numbers 187 scrawled across the top. Celtic flourishes wrapped around his triceps and down to his forearms. "187", he explained, stood for some gang code. I can't remember what exactly, because when he told me I was mesmerized by his lips forming the words.

Later, at 3am I woke with an erection. I imagined his hazel eyes looking up at me while those soft, luscious lips blew me. I shot my load, and massaged it into a creamy froth on my torso.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Mason Wyler

I'm not prone to writing about porn stars, but I have to break tradition and mention "Mason Wyler." Unlike some people, I really like porn. I first saw this guy on Randy Blue and completely fell in lust with him. He has to be the sexiest guy I've ever seen. I just wanted to bring him to your attention. What do you think?