Saturday, June 21, 2003

Hi. It's already been a week since I last blogged, I see. I've had a very stressful, horrible week. So awful, in fact, I don't want to talk about it. And today, the first day of summer, I'm depressed. I wasn't earlier today (I had a great day) - but then this evening it hit me, an hour before I was supposed to go out with friends. I cancelled.

It was three years ago that I met BC. I met him on the first day of summer three years ago. So this 'anniversary' is making me feel nostalgic, sad, and all that. I've cried a little. Okay, maybe a lot. It was BC that always reminded me that we met the first day of summer - I always forgot. But this year, I'm the one who remembers. A part of me was hoping that he might call, to say "Hey, how's it going, it's our anniversary," but how stupid and romantic is that desire? He didn't call me, of course, and he won't.

I considered leaving him a message. "Hi BC. It's me. Happy summer. Thinking of you. I'm remembering we met three years ago today. I know we can't be friends right now, but just want you to know ... I remember."

I'm thinking, inside, "You've been significant in my life. I thank you. I'm sorry it didn't work out between us. I miss you."

But I won't do it...even though it's romantic. I'm sure he doesn't want me to leave such a message - otherwise he would leave me this kind of message himself. It's only me that's feeling this way. He's off with his new 48-year-old boyfriend who has a muscled body, perhaps they're hiking or staying in watching rented movies, having awesome sex, cuddling, kissing and BC isn't thinking about me one iota. That's closer to the truth. Or perhaps he's off to Saltspring and having sex with the couple we met last summer and he dumped me for. Or maybe he's in Hotsprings Cove having orgies with a bunch of guys. All of this is possible.

So this first day of summer, I'm sad, and I'll stay at home. I'll remember our times together, cry some more, and tomorrow will be a new day. Perhaps tomorrow I'll forget again, my love for BC.

Saturday, June 14, 2003

Sweet Surrender

I spent the day on one of the tiny scattered islands off the coast, beside the Sea-to-Sky Highway which leads to Whistler. There are hundreds of them, some uninhabited, like the one I was on. It was already dark, raining but still warm, when she and I left the beach and got onto our raft to drift back home to Vancouver.

She is beautiful, slim and athletic, with long dark brown hair and deep, expressive eyes. She is polished looking. I feel very close to her. The full moon shines between drifting, moody clouds, casting a glint onto the gentle waves of the stream which lead south. At one point we lay down, next to each other, talking, looking at each other. She leans into me, and I into her, and we begin kissing. I'm drawn into the romantic, caring and heartfelt passion I feel from her, and that I feel for her. It feels so awesome and natural. We kiss for what seems like timeless ages. I see the moistness in her eyes as she looks at me, look at her olive beautiful skin and lean in for more.

I bolt awake! What the f*ck? I look at the clock and it's 3 am. Why am I dreaming of kissing romantically with a woman? A woman I don't even know, but even more - I'm gay, right? I'm so upset I throw myself out of bed, down the stairs, and sit outside on the step trying to recover. I go over the dream in my head... I admit it was incredibly sexy, intimate and lovely. See - I am gay. Straight men don't use the word "lovely," unless they're from England and at least 35 years old.

I calm down enough to go back to sleep. In the morning, I ask my new GAY roommate if he ever has dreams about having sex or romance with a woman. He said, "No." And looked at me like, "Where are you going with this, girlfriend?"

So far, no gay man has e-mailed me to tell me that they have, on occasion, these very queer heterosexual dreams. So am I turning straight or something? Have I given up on men? Gay men don't turn straight - I've never heard about it, read about it, except from those false rumours from Christian brainwashing guilt-trip therapies. My best woman friend was a lesbian when I met her - now she is a committed heterosexual. But that doesn't happen to gay men. I really don't need sexual identity anxiety right now, to add to all my other anxieties, thank you Universe.

Actually, it would be hilarious if I was straight, because I doubt any straight female would ever think I was hetero. I'm too pretty. So it wouldn't be any better for me than dating gay men. I still wouldn't 'get lucky.' By getting lucky, I don't mean sex... I can get that from men. But you know...

Anyway, this is all hypothetical because the last thing I want to do confronted by the big "V." It might swallow me whole.

Thursday, June 12, 2003

Soul Mates

I think it's time for some spiritual uplifting...another article from a less cynical and catty side of moi.

Soul relationships
From the moment your eyes meet, you feel as though you have known one another for eternity. As you get to know each other, you discover that you share the same beliefs, values and dreams. You know what the other is thinking and finish each other's sentences. When you make love, you have never experienced such erotic abandon and profound intimacy. You friends notice that not only are you alike, but you even look similar. Your common goals allow you to work harmoniously together, and your purpose is being fulfilled. Year after year, you feel even more passionately in love. People enjoy being around you, because you emanate the peace, joy and love of heaven. You believed in soul mates before you met, but nothing had prepared you for the ecstasy of this experience.

Nearly all of us, at some point, long for a relationship that transcends our usual experiences of them. A partnership based on harmony and unconditional love. A lover who mirrors our best attributes and magnifies them by their very presence. But do soul mates exist and if so, how do we meet him or her? In order to answer this, we must understand what a soul mate is by looking to myths about the creation of the universe. Myths help us to understand soul mates by telling a story about from where they originated.

The creation of companionship
In the beginning, before the first creative impulse, all was One. This Oneness — known as the Creator — in great love and curiosity desired to explore and know itself. But there was nothing to compare itself to. So the Creator created companionship by dividing itself into individual pieces of consciousness. These pieces of consciousness each had their own unique characteristics and purposes, and they further separated into many more individuated souls. Souls that are related are the original families to which we all belong. Each soul has a family function and an individual purpose. The more closely related we are, the more we share similar beliefs, values and dreams. Each soul is on a mission to explore its individuality. Though we were individual, we still felt as One, and were conscious of each other as a whole. So the Creator in its great wisdom manifested a physical reality, in which each soul would be placed into a body.

The Creator gave our body certain limitations so we wouldn't be able to fully remember who we are. The conditions were so perfectly conceived that when our soul was contained in a body, the density of physical reality created the experience of aloneness. We believed ourself to be separate from all that is. Dualism was born because 'separation' suggests a self and an other. We then experienced the illusion of self and other, male and female, good and evil, life and death, when the truth is we are all still One.

The Creator wanted to make sure we would, one day, remember who we are. In order to assist, the Creator produced karma — the law that every action causes an equal reaction. So whenever our actions came from the belief that we are separate, karma ensures that we have the opportunity to discover that we are not. Until we remember our unity and wholeness we ride the wheel of karma. The gift of karma allows us — as an individuated piece of the Creator — limitless opportunities to return to Oneness.

In one aspect then we are all soul mates. Related soul families tend to incarnate together at the same time, in order to help one another explore themselves and grow spiritually. So while we often do not remember each other from lifetime to lifetime, nearly everyone around us is related to our soul family, as distant as a great-great grandparent, or as close as a brother or sister, metaphorically speaking.

Our current mother and father, brothers and sisters, cousins and grandparents are usually from closely related soul families. We help one another learn lessons by playing different roles with one another through different lives. Depending on our past life experiences with one another, our relationships run the spectrum from highly conflicted to unconditionally loving and supportive. Karma involves both harmonious and discordant relationships. The more intense your reaction to another person, positive or negative, the more likely you are soul mates, have known one another through countless past lives, and have lessons to learn from one another.

Soul Mate Friendships and Romantic Partners
Usually when we think of soul mates, we think of friendships and romantic partners. These relationships help one another grow. It is a special meeting that will most likely alter your life. There are at least seven kinds of soul mates, each recognizable by the quality of relationship we have with them. Reflect upon your own relationships while reading these.

Divine complements
These people are the exact opposite of you. They reflect shadow qualities you have denied expression in yourself. They are usually acquaintances, co-workers or friends, and less often lovers. They come in and out of your life, staying for a while, then leaving, and sometimes coming back again. Your divine complements exist to help you integrate aspects of your psyche that you have disowned. You are also their divine complement. Usually you grow at different rates and in different directions and go your separate ways, though divine complements may stick around for a lifetime. You feel challenged emotionally by these people and it is not a comfortable relationship. You feel that you have little in common with them.

Immortal friendships
There is no beginning or end to these friendships. It is difficult to remember when you met (usually in childhood), and there is no fear of losing him or her. Even if your friend moves or dies, there is little sense of loss because you always feel their presence in your life. Even if you haven't seen each other for twenty years, you begin where you left off, as if no time had passed. You share unconditional love. You are neither exactly the same nor the opposite, but you tend to go through similar lessons at the same time, help each other, and share common interests and talents. Conflicts are extremely rare, and when they occur are easily resolved and forgotten. Immortal friendships are our soul's way of reminding us that we are never alone and always loved. These friendships make us feel safe, supported and immortal. They also hold the secret to what a romantic relationship is meant to be. If you ever wonder if your partner is the soul mate that's best for you, compare it to your immortal friendship, and you have your answer.

Karmic relationships
The most common of soul mate relationships, karmic relationships may be challenging or supportive experiences. They exist to fulfill karma from past lives. When we meet a karmic partner, we are drawn to him or her with a magnetic intensity. These people feel familiar, and we become involved with them very quickly. In the initial stages of the friendship or intimate relationship, much time is spent together getting to know one another.

Supportive karmic relationships
If the karma is to repay kindness, these people help us to move forward to fulfill our life purpose. They are often family members (who feel like friends), friends of the family or personal friends, teachers, co-workers, or even people with whom we have vacation romances. Sometimes, if we are fortunate, they are romantic partners. They come into our life, for brief periods or for life, to support and remind us that we are special and lovable. They offer their love with few conditions. The relationship is characterized by its ease, and engenders good feelings for both people.

Challenging karmic relationships
These relationships help us to identify our false core beliefs, by triggering the worst in us. While we may initially feel strong feelings of love, it is highly conditional. Eventually someone does something to provoke intense feelings of anger, jealousy, envy, rejection, abandonment and betrayal in the other. Usually our lessons are learned after the relationship has ended, when we recover from it. These relationships mirror core beliefs about what we believe we are worthy of receiving. Our lessons are to forgive, grow in compassion and love, for both self and other, and heal false core beliefs.

Twin mates
Sharing a connection of a like-minded service, twin mates have common purposes within the world. Rarely romantic partners, or even close friends, twin mates come together to work harmoniously to accomplish a project. Each has skills that assist the other in finishing the task successfully. Unlike other soul relationships, the main purpose of twin mate relationships is not helping one another to grow emotionally. Instead they serve the greater good of a society or culture. The relationship lasts as long as is necessary to complete the project.

Divine companions
Always a romantic relationship, divine companions provoke the greatest joy and the deepest grief. Often mistaken for a twin flame, we believe divine companions to be "the one." The connection creates strong feelings of physical attraction, profound intimacy and joy. Moments of magic occur between the two people, and identification with one another can be so strong, that you feel as if you are the other person.

But there is still karma left to work out in these relationships. At some point, conflict enters the picture, and each tries his or her hardest to resolve the conflict in order to keep the relationship going. Very rarely does the conflict get resolved. If resolution occurs, then this person may become your life partner, and bring great joy and fulfillment. But whether the relationship ends or not, your understanding of life is turned inside out. Your most cherished and deeply ingrained core beliefs about who you are, your purpose in life and the way the universe works are demolished. Intense grief and periods of depression are experienced. These are periods of clearing beliefs that no longer serve us, so we can build new beliefs from the ground up — ones that are closer to the truth. Through experiencing profound loss, divine companions increase our capacity to love by opening our hearts and strengthening our psychological foundation. Divine companions may even prepare us for meeting our twin flame.

Twin flames
Twin flame relationships are the inspiration for our deepest romantic desires and longings. It is our soul's knowledge of their existence that makes us strive to be unconditionally loving. Twin flame relationships, though becoming more common in the new energy, are exceptionally rare. They only occur when we are spiritually, psychologically and emotionally ready for them. There is no karma between the two individuals. These relationships exemplify unconditional love, harmony and cooperation.

It is said that the twin flame is the other half of our soul. While we have many soul mates, we only have one twin flame. He or she shares identical beliefs, values and dreams. Because he or she is your counterpart, in order to have a relationship with your twin flame, you must have an unconditionally loving relationship with yourself. You must experience and know your wholeness. You do not long for another person to complete you, and you are not even looking for love. You have discovered that you are the source of love. You live in harmony with your Higher Self. You are following your passion and fulfilling your life purpose.

When twin flames meet, there is fire. Ecstasy is a daily experience. Your combined energies are magnified, and the divine love of the Creator flows through you into the world. Your meeting serves the world because you model for others a loving relationship. You work together, combining your similar talents and purposes, and bless the world with eternal gifts.

According to Patricia Joudry and Maurie D. Pressman, M.D., in their book Twin Flames: Eternal Masculine and Eternal Feminine, famous twin flame relationships include scientists Marie and Pierre Curie, who received a Nobel prize for their contribution to understanding radioactivity, and poets Elizabeth Barret and Robert Browning for their poetic legacies.

Biographies written about the Curies and the Barret-Brownings note their exceptional and flawless marriages. The Curie's youngest daughter Eve, writes, "The two souls, like the two brains, were of equal quality. They formed one of the finest bonds that ever united man and woman. Two hearts beat together, two bodies were united, and two minds of genius learned to think together."

Perhaps no other poem in English history expresses the twin flame relationship better than the immortal sonnet of Elizabeth Barret Browning to John Browning, " How do I love thee?"

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the end of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, — I love thee with the breadth,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! — and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Each twin flame must have developed, in equal amounts the male and female energies of their personalities. Twin flames, like all soul mate relationships, can be of both or different genders. The inner balances of male and female energies have nothing to do with gender. Karen, a reader of my work who corresponded with me, met her twin flame in her forties. To her surprise, her twin flame happened to be female. Though both had lived their lives as heterosexual women, their divine connection effortlessly transcended gender and sexuality.

Twin flames do not interfere in the relationships of others. If you are married when you meet your twin flame, neither individual does anything to lose the trust of the marriage partner. A famous example of this conundrum includes twin flames John Stuart Mill and Harriet Taylor, who met in the late 1820s. John Stuart Mill, reknown for shaping the foundations of modern political science, met Harriet Taylor when she was married to John Taylor. Their meeting created all the signs and symptoms of a twin flame reunion, and each brought one another to greater heights of joy and creativity. Twin flames must have enlightened ethics before a meeting is possible; therefore Harriet candidly confronted her husband with her feelings for Mill. When John demanded that Harriet abandon her relationship with Mill, Harriet complied. But John saw how unhappy this made his wife, and he learned to accept Mill's role as her lifelong platonic lover and friend.

It is important not to compare your relationships against the ideal of the twin flame, and find it lacking. Love by any name is just as sweet. Humans tend to like to categorize things - relationships included. The purpose of categorizing soul mate relationships is to understand them better and to help us to learn the lessons each has for us. If you wish to meet your twin flame, begin by cherishing the love you have now in your life.

Given statistics and the law of averages, not everyone has a twin flame similar in age who is available. Meeting and having a relationship with our twin flame is highly unlikely in our life. But don’t be disheartened. It is said that your twin flame is not merely of flesh and blood. He or she is a spiritual counterpart who, at the soul level, is never separate from you. The energy vibrational signature of your twin flame is available on a spiritual level and the meeting in the realm of the imagination has equally splendid results as meeting in 'real' life.

The longing for a soul mate is, at its core, a desire to connect with one's own soul and return to the state of Oneness. If we develop a truly passionate, caring and unconditionally loving relationship with soul, then our need for a relationship with someone else vanishes. Each soul mate relationship challenges us to partner with ourselves and grow in self-love. Paradoxically, it is when we no longer yearn for a special and harmonious relationship that we have best odds of attracting our twin flame..

How do you attract a loving soul mate relationship?

1. Become your own soul mate. Develop an unconditionally loving relationship with your inner self.
2. Recognize the soul in others.
3. Cherish the love that exists in your life now.
4. Learn from all your relationships - develop compassion, let go of guilt and self-blame, and allow only love to remain.
5. Honor your soul by acting on your dreams and fulfilling your life's passion.
6. Surrender the fears and inner core beliefs that you are unworthy of love.
7. Take responsibility for your emotional triggers, uncover their origin and allow hurt to heal

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

Don't you just love the "edit" function on your blogger? I do. When you re-read your blog the next day, and you realize it went too far, then you can just edit history. It's wonderful.

Since my own life is so boring, I thought I'd write about CoolRelax's life. He's spinning the most iconic story about how an innocent gay man becomes a slut. Sure, I was as sweet and innocent as CoolRelax when I first came out. I too fell in love with a charismatic, hot-bodied gay boy more experienced than me. He played the same games with me - I want you, I want him, I want you, I want you because I can't have you, I want you because I've convinced you I can have you and need you, you're unavailable, I'm going to make you obssess about me, we'll get together again and have more hot sex, then I'll fool around with someone else again, and you're too innocent to object, and you'll try very hard to have an open sexual relationship because I've got you wrapped around my pinky, or perhaps enormous dick, or amazing pecs, or flirty personality. I've been there and done that and become a lesser person as a result. Don't fall into that trap. It's hard to regain your innocence.

What happens is you turn into every other gay man... You accept the fact that men can't have monogamous relationships, you think you're too tight-minded as a gay male to think that open relationships are good, and with in-between guys you "cruise-out" to have casual sex, you give up your original dreams in terms of relationships, you become sarcastic and ironic, and you end up being single and disappointed at 38 years of age. The age when you thought you'd be happily married, with a house, a career and a dog. Or, you become the slut, marry a slut and have a great life. Because you're sluts, have no abandonment issues, you have sex with other hot guys, and your life is happy. But there are some men on this earth, who are gay, who cannot find happiness in this arena.

So is it only the sluts who find happiness? If CoolRelax blogs long enough, maybe we'll find out. But I'll bet $100 that DJ won't be non-monogamous.

On another mode - once I called BCAA they discovered my car only needed a battery recharging. So my car is fine. But the rest of my life needs other help I guess.

Tuesday, June 10, 2003

I can't believe I haven't blogged in nearly 7 days. Maybe there was some software error? I think I've lost my focus.

I began blogging - writing journal entries - for readers, rather than my mental health. I began to care about "hits" rather than just doing my journal for myself. Since I get practically no reader feedback (e-mails) I thought no one cares about me. So why should I bother making entries? That was my thought-process.

Well, I'm here, I'm back, and my life is boring. No, RA has not called me for the movie. No, I'm not stalking the beaches in my blue yellow thing. No, I'm not having crazy awesome sex. No, I'm not doing anything of interest. I'm really boring right now.

Actually, everything's been going wrong - I spilled liquid on my laptop so it's dead, I just went to start my car and it won't turn over, and a cheque I've been waiting for was put off a week, and I think my rent check bounced. I got a major sunburn on Friday so I had to cancel my date with RA, I was supposed to call him on Monday to arrange something for Tuesday and didn't, I missed going to a major birthday celebration for a close friend on Monday, and my room is a mess.

Well, life can only get better at least.

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

Virgo is in my anus

After I posted my blog below, RA called me less than an hour later. He said, "I bet you wondered if you'd ever hear from me again." I went to the beach, then called him later this evening and left a message.

Then RA called me - I guess he had a bad weekend - he didn't get my message until Sunday evening because he didn't bring his cell phone with him or my phone number, and his car broke down on the way to his parent's home outside of Vancouver. Then he arrived at work on Monday morning to discover it was inventory, and so on. We had an interesting and fun talk. We're getting together on Saturday night for a movie.

One nice thing about getting older is that I really don't obsess or care if a date calls me back immediately. I have learned to trust my gut instincts - I felt that RA liked me, and it didn't make sense to me that he didn't call, unless he had some major crisis. So really, I thought there was some explanation. Also, I'm not one of those guys that needs to talk to a romantic interest every day, or every twice a day or whatever. I've got my own life to live, thank you. Also, I can't say that I'm extremely hot over him, so that probably helps.

I read my monthly horoscope today... it is pretty cool. ( First of all, the astrological signs are in my favour for losing weight! Believe it or not, and getting into shape. Secondly, I'm going to make a lot of money and travel lots this year, Thirdly:

Your attitude about a close committed relationship will become much more serious, realistic and mature. Single Capricorns won't likely enter into a relationship if they sense the other person isn't coming from the same place when it comes to marriage and home life.

I definitely feel this is true. At the end of the day, don't we want a partner who is committed, who will take care of us in old age, in our infirmities, in sickness and in health? Rather than someone we can't wait to suck and fuck for hours at a time, who puts us on edge, makes us feel lustful? I'm getting more realistic I think. But I also wonder...would I be able to be monogamous with a trustworthy guy who doesn't make me scream for more? But then, maybe sex isn't that important? Maybe I'd rather respect him and share a close friendship with him. Someone, that sounds better to me at the moment. Perhaps it's because Virgo is in my anus, I mean Uranus.

Since damaging my laptop, I've had a hard time trying to blog. I don't want my roommate to walk past and see me on my desktop typing away and get curious.

I left a message to RA last Friday (my recent Match), hoping we could get together on the weekend, but he hasn't called me back. This is a major surprise. We had an amazing time together, talking for 2.5 hours. It even seemed like he didn't want to end our date, and when I suggested getting together again, he even told me his availability for the next weekend. He appeared to really enjoy himself so this is quite mysterious. I'm supposed to call the Matchmaker and report about the date, so maybe the Matchmaker knows what's going on - I left a message with him to call me. If RA's not interested, then I wish he would have been more honest to me at the end of the date, but I guess most guys aren't comfortable enough to be straight forward. Or maybe he thought about the date afterward and decided he didn't like something about me.

The weather in Vancouver this week is incredible. No clouds and warm - it's even supposed to go up to 29 degrees celsius by Friday. I'm going to go to the beach this afternoon and soak up some rays.

I've been talking with friends and my family on the phone for hours these last few nights. I don't usually like long telephone conversations, but I've been enjoying them lately. It's great to reconnect with all my friends from out of province.

I blew my Atkin's diet this weekend. I had a major craving for spaghetti, then penne pasta and pizza which I gorged on all weekend - even into Monday and Tuesday. I did this before when I tried the Atkin's Diet. I tried staying on it for two weeks, then suddenly I have a major carbohydrate craving and can't resist. I'll go back to eating healthy, small portions, lots of veggies and eat whole grain pasta if I need to satisfy my pasta cravings. This is seems to work best for me. My friends don't even understand why I'm on a diet, but have you noticed there are different body standards for gay men and straight men?

I love summer - it's so nice to see flesh again, after being covered up all winter. There's a hot straight guy who visits his girlfriend at lunch and after work in the condo across the alley from me. They sit on their balcony smoking. He drives up in his camaro, then I see him shirtless sitting in the sun on the balcony. He's really tall, got a nice body with a furry chest - his fur is located only on his upper pecks. She sits in her bikini, drinking water, brushing her hair regularly, just oozing sexuality while they talk together. It's great eye-candy.

Truthfully, I'm not into casual sex right now, and haven't been for over a month. I'm going through a purification process. I'm getting ready to meet someone meaningful. I can't even remember what sex feels good it is. But that's okay, because when it happens it will be terrific. I do, afterall, need to completely forget what it feels like to have sex with BC - he is a sexual master, and it's his hobby and passion in life to be a good lover. He taught me techniques I didn't even know about. So if I'm ever to move on, I'll need to forget him and our sexual interactions.

Sunday, June 01, 2003

The Ultimate 'Fuck-You' Blog

This comes from a five-year-old journal entry....

"Dear Stone Angel:
Fuck you for treating me the way you did. Fuck you for treating me the way you do now. Fuck you for your inability to see my amazing beauty and power. Fuck you for failing to see the depth of my confidence. Fuck you for not appreciating the love, feeling and nurturing that I gave you. Fuck you for not appreciating how I stuck through the most shittiest times with you, and you don't care. Fuck you for not seeing I'm the fucking best thing that ever happened to you. Fuck you for not returning the love I have given you. Fuck you for denying my feelings, and emotions. Fuck you for denying my courage. Fuck you for not appreciating me. Fuck you for not appreciating all the work I have done in trying to connect with you. You are frigid, cold and your heart is not open. Fuck you for not appreciating my body. Fuck you for not appreciating my sexuality. Fuck you for not wanting me to lick your butt. Fuck you for not wanting to talk to me. Fuck you for not wanting to have sex in the mornings. Fuck you for not letting me kiss you and grab your crotch in the elevator, in the car. Fuck you for ignoring me. Fuck you for not calling me. Fuck you for not sharing yourself with me. Fuck you for not appreciating my support. Fuck you for not appreciating my intelligence. Fuck you for not appreciating my knowledge. Fuck you for never having given me the credit for how much I have taught you and given to you. Fuck you. You deserve yourself.

Fuck you for not being affectionate. Fuck you for not being able to tell me that I am gorgeous, handsome, sexy. Fuck you for not flirting with me. Fuck you for blaming me for your fucking problems. Fuck you for saying the "right" things. Fuck you for your dishonesty. Fuck you for fucking shutting off from me your sexuality. Fuck you. Fuck you for not letting me fuck you. Fuck you when you fucking think that a compliment is saying, "Your hair looks red." Fuck you for not doing your work with me. Fuck you for not introducing me to your friends. Fuck you for being gorgeous and not letting anyone touch you. Fuck you for wanting someone else. Fuck you for your superior attitude - that you are better than me.

Fuck you for saying you love me, giving me a ring, and then not letting me be a part of your decisions in where to buy a condo. Fuck you for always putting yourself first. Fuck you for wanting to do everything alone. Fuck you for not having courage.

Fuck you for forgetting my birthday. Fuck you for never having fun with me. Fuck you for not being romantic. Fuck you for all your fears. Fuck you for expecting so much and returning so little. Fuck you for your duty and honour. Fuck you for your selfishness.

What an idiot I've been to fall for someone so cold. It's simply because you remind me of my father. I would never have been with you if my father had been nurturing, open, feeling, connecting. I would never subject myself to someone so cold and frigid, so denying of my self. I would never have put up with it for a moment. I should have taken care of myself when I first met you and saw that something was very wrong with you. I shouldn't have gone out with you. I've wasted so much of my life with you over the past few years. It's been pure hell, painful, and ugly.

Fuck you for making me love you."
The Dead-Sea Scrolls

I've unearthed some old digital diaries. It's so weird reading them - I don't remember half of what I'm writing about. I write about guys I went on dates with, and honestly cannot remember them at all. I also write about issues that I'm still dealing with - how disappointing is that? Here's one, from five years ago: (warning - it's pure crap)

"Dear Dad:
I never felt connected to you. Not emotionally, physically or spiritually. You were always distant and seemed to be doing things out of duty, not love and emotion. You were emotionally unavailable to me. I tried so hard as a child to connect with you, but your feelings and energy never reached me, into my inner core. I cannot remember you holding me and telling me how much you loved me and feeling it. I cannot remember you ever looking at me with admiration and appreciation. I remember you always saying kind and nice things. You said what was right, not what you felt. I remember you answering my questions. In order to get your approval I would push you, try triggering you, in order to get an honest emotive response from you. You would get angry, a huge intense anger. The energy would well up and fill up a room and make all of us scared. But I never felt any other emotion from you that had the same kind of intensity and power. Not love. Not joy. Not laughter. It was all kind of smoothed over, like you were on anti-depressants. You were always zoned out, not present. You existed in your mind, not in the world, not in your feelings. There was always a block, a wall that existed between your feelings and your expressions of them, and they never reached me.
I tried everything I could think of to win your approval. I became good at gymnastics, but it didn't impress you because it wasn't hockey. I never heard you say with true enthusiasm how proud you were of me. I was a very good gymnast. I tried to be good at music, singing, school, art. But I could never achieve your admiration. Love. You could always do things better. You were always right. Immovable, like a lead boulder. Whatever I had to say or offer was dismissed as being childish, emotional, uninteresting or stupid.

You were boringly consistent. Day in and day out. More a machine it seemed than a human being.

You were competitive with me. You were unable to love and appreciate who I am. A beautifully expressive, creative, artistic being with great wisdom.

How sad that I could not run to you, my dad, and tell him the abuse and pain I was going through as a child in school. From being gay. How much I hated myself for being gay because of the Christian church. I could not run to you, tell you how I felt, because you would have rejected me. I wish I could have run to you, to have you pick me up, put me on your lap and hug me. I wish I could feel your love. You could have said wonderful things to me like, "You were the son I always wanted. You are smart, talented and funny. You make me laugh. I love your enthusiasm, your feeling nature. I wish I could have been more like you." But instead you never thought these things about me. You believed I was very average. You believed I was too emotional. I felt that you didn't want a son like me. I was an embarrassment.

I feel like I never had a father. I had an authority figure who didn't approve of me. A father who inadvertently but powerfully blocked my creativity. My Godliness.

I tried to be a very good child at times. Behave like a good Christian boy. I felt more love from you then, but it was so subtle it wasn't worth denying myself. I memorized bible verses, listened to your sermons, went to Sunday school, sang in the choir, went to Luther league, taught Sunday school, went to catechism, tried to understand all the crap I read in Christianity. But this wasn't good enough for you. You approved of my attempts, but you also knew I was only faking it. There was something missing from it all for me. What was missing for me was Truth.

I kept trying to get at the truth as a child. I was very intuitive. To a degree you showed true interest in my talking about psychic abilities, magic, and ufos. Obviously there is a chord in you that responds to this magic in the universe. But your monster called "judgmental Christianity," controlled the exploration of these things. You couldn't meet me. It could have been a place that we connected, honestly, intimately and shared the beauty of the universe. Instead you offered bread and wine. Whatever that is, whatever that means. It had no meaning for me. For most of my life I have feared exploring this truth in the world.

Having tried so hard to win your love and approval, having tried so many ways and never getting it, I am exhausted, despairing and hopeless. I have given up on trying, I have given up on who I am. I don't feel safe around men now. I don't believe they could ever love and accept me for who I am. I play all the same games with men that I play with you, in order to win their approval. I even become romantically involved with men who mirror all your qualities for me, down to the last item. I have tried to win their love, gain their approval, have them love me for who I am. I have tried to get them to express their feelings truthfully. What I really wanted to hear from them is "Thank you for the great gift you have given me. You have made me realize the beauty and spirituality of feelings. You have made me understand how feelings allow me to connection in a deep level with others." I haven't heard this from them.

All the men whom I have loved have rejected me. None of them want to be with me for the rest of my life. None of them is able to offer me the love, support, encouragement, affection and authentic feelings that I crave from another man. None of them have offered me the truth and nurturing love of my beautiful mother, in whom you also denied her Godliness.

I realize this has been my main purpose in life. To seek the approval of another man, to achieve with a man what I couldn't achieve with you. Most of my energies have been directed in this manner. And I keep failing miserably."

Don't you think it's time for me to "give it up?" My dear old dad doesn't deserve such crap. Wait till I copy and paste the tirade called "Fuck you" for the Stone Angel...
Reading other people's diaries

"What could be better than reading other people's diaries?" I say to friends, when I tell them about blogging. I want to read your secrets. I want to see beyond the mask you present to the world. I admit, I've sneaked into other people's diaries in my past. But I also learned not to do this, without permission.

Sure, I read my sisters' diaries. They were always red, with a tiny key that I found underneath their mattress. I got to know them as real human beings, as a result. Did it change my opinion of them? Yes. It made me love them more.

Reading other people's diaries told me what they really thought of me. They're too 'chicken shit' to tell me to my face, so instead, they write it in their diary. They're too lame to act on their opinion: instead, they write it in their journal, then speak pleasantly to my face.

I have to admit: I broke into an ex-lover's journal, without his permission. This is how I learned NEVER to read a diary, without permission. I don't want to hear your shit about me. I'll end up hating you. I guess we all need to vent, and a diary is a good place to do that. So venting isn't the truth - it's a side of us. But what I did was...

I did a google search for breaking passwords. I found a program that would help me to break the password on his computer, to which I could not get access to his MS Word diaries. The program told me his password was 11 characters, and nothing more. I wandered around wondering what his password is. Then it came to me...his password. Out of the blue. It was like I was psychic or something. The password hit me on the side of my head and said, "Hello...this is the password. Are you deaf or something?"

So I typed in the 11 character word and got access to his innermost thoughts about me and himself. I'll never do that again. I don't want to hear your innermost thoughts, thank you.

Let me share one of his journal entries with you, anonymous readers. I've kept these "old files" just for the opportunity this gives me:

From the Stone Angel:
"It seems that Intertextual is pulling away because of how he feels. There is othing that I can do about this but I feel like if I am honest in how I am feeling then he pulls away, so I am being punished for being honest. There is nothing I can do about it. I wantt o be friends with him and nothing mre. If he has feelings for me then he needs to dealw ith them andit sems that he can’t be friends only. That is sad. But thereis nothng that I can do about it. I was and am feeling slightly responsible but I am not. I need to be true tomyself and that it is that. if it is toomuch for him, then he needs to consider whether he wants this friendship to continueor not. I thinkhe does but at the same time he is finding it toomuch. I don’t know but then I should be worried about me and not him. That is the weakness that I have. I am always worried abut what other people say or think or feel./ while that is good, it is too overwhelming at times. I can and should onlybe considering how I am feeling about something. I think rather than filtering my angry right now I should justput it out and see what happens. Swearing and stuff might make me feel better, it may not be directed at anyone but at the same time it may feel great to get it out so here goes. Fuck I hate this fucking feeling. Ia m fucking pissed off and pissed opff at people. Why the fuck should I have to worry about them and the fucking compnay. Why the fuck do I get stuck doing things when the other fuckers don’t. this is not fucking fair. Fucking L. is taking more time off thani have so fuck her. I am fucking taking some time off tomake up for the time that she has. Fuck this. And fuck Intertextual. If he is too fuckingimmature to deal with this in a fucking mature mannenr then fuck him. Fuck fuck fuck. Thatis all I have to say. Thisis feeling good. Fuck that. fuck, I meanhe thinks we are so perfect and we aren’t. fuck that. I put up with his fucking boundary isue and fucking times he tries to cross it I push him back and this bother shim. He is not that great with boundaries. Wheni fucking try to draw them, he pushes back and attacks. Fuck him that is his issue, not mine. Fuck this why the fuck do I have to suffer because of hislack of boundaries. Fuck that. I know what the fuck he is doing and it is the sameold thing with that asshole. When he doesn’t get his way, the other person is punished. Andi am being punished for not being what he wants. For setting up boundaires, he is feeling rejected, andin so doing he is ounishing me but withdrawing. Well fuck him. If he can’t del with it and if he sees it as rejection then that is something that he should be jounralling about. this is so fucking stupid. He says that he is so together and at the same fcking time he has issues that needs to dealw ith and he doesn’t. this is not fucking fair to me. I mean when he was goingon his date, I tried to be supportiveof him but at the same time when it came time for me, he wasn;t andisn;t supportive. Fuck that! is that fair? I think fucking not! Thatis something that he should realize and recognize and workon. Will he? I donlt know. he spouts off about being so in touch and connected to his feelings but does he realize whathe does with them. He is still dealing with withdrawl and punishment. I meaen thisis something that I do but I am dealing with it., I try not to withdraw at all and not interpret it as rejection. I am being pounished ofr beinghonest. It kills me that he wants to know honestly and all of that and yet at the same time when you are, he punishes you byt actinglike he is acting. It begs the question, how honest should I be? Fuck I hate that. you know some times trying to discuss things rationally doesn’t help. This expression of emtotion is great at this point.t his is exactly what I need to do and say. Fuck I am angry at people. But that is ok. Angry is a good thing and can be. It is allowingme to realize how I am feeling and maybe why as well. it is showing me how to draw up the boundaries that I want and how to go abut enforcing them. So there that feels much better. the anger iss till there somewhat buit less so and that was the goal. To identify the anger and deal with it. yesterday I was talking about loiving myself more and first and by expressing howi am feeling I allowed myself to feel. And by feelingi am loving myself. I should not feel bad for how other people feel unless it was intentionally done to hurt them and this isn’t the case. He is feeling the way he is feeling and it has nothing to do with anything that I have done. It shows me that I am progressed and while I find that he may be a hypocrite. Maybe not intentionally but one all the same. He needs to see how he is reating and maybe I can try and do this but I know he will react to it. the best thingis to be honest with myself here and let it go. If he has a reaction then he an deal with it. I am not the ne responsible for his feelings. If he can’t then I guess we will have to visit the question at that time. I want to be friends and only friends. He wants more and can t beonly friends, and so I am then puiished for this. Is this fair? I don’t think so. And that is what pisses me off. He wants honesty and when I am honest he then recoils and fights back y being punititve. This is not fair. He has done many things to me andi havenot punished hi the way that he is punishing me. I should I guess. But I don’t want to. Il ike his friendship and vlue it but then in loving myself, it begs the question, is this someone I want in mylifwe who continually punishes me for things that I do in my life if it hurts him? I need to consider that. a friend is one who is there for you and I don’t get that feeling from him. His friendship is conditonal and what kind of friendship is that. not a healthy one that is for sure. anyway while I amprocessing this I amlearning that I amlovingmyself by processing it and dealing with how I am feeling about it. while I still have alittle anger inside it is almost gone now but tstill I am angry that I haveto process this at all. Fuck hm and fuck his bullshit aboutbeing open and honest. He is being mean, that is what it is and nah nah nah, I think calvin and hobbs have it right in how they react to that. I deserve better than that! way more so if he continues doing this then I wll need to consider not being friends withhim. This is so silly and the thing is this is whyi don’t want to bew ith him because everything, still, is cnditonal withhim. Iknow that he wanting to take me out for dinner is goingto be cnditonal and that is why I have a hard time accepting and being able to enjoy it. I cow how he is goingto react. At the emotional level he is goingto think that "well look at what I amd ong I am such anice guy and he didn’t do this for me and I\t will come up. I know that. I can feel it that is why I would rather not do it but thenif I don’t then he will react again and interpret it as rejection. I wish he would work on this but he hasn’t. not yet. At least I am dealing with it or tryingto. But I guess all of this is a senseof rejection on my part. He is rejectingme because I am putting him off with his advances. Iw ish he could get it together so that we could be friends and soon too. In the mean time I guess this is what I have to dealw ith. And I amlearning more and more about me in the process. but I would like to concentrate for awhile on hopw tol ive myself better and better. by doing this I know thati am learning how to love me more and more but at the same time I am learning that I have anger and that anger is ok. This has been good for me. while it is a pain at the same timeit is a learning process ofrme. And that is cool. Ok now back to loving me,. by allowing myself to exp[ress how I am feeling with out editing what I want to say has been great. thatis a way to lvoe myself more."

So that's a little dose of why I will NEVER read someone's diary again, without his or her permission. I also want to say, "Fuck you, Stone Angel." That's all.

Almost. By the way, Stone Angel ended up meeting his perfect love, and is together with him to this day. Isn't life fair?