Sunday, July 30, 2006

Trevor: Unmasked

Read the first part here.

His right eye wouldn't stop blinking.

"See," Trevor said.

I looked him straight in the face and noticed for the first time how long his dark and thick his eyelashes were. They lined his lids, making the green in his eyes more prominent. He moved his head from side to side, first showing me one eye, then the other. The soft morning light lit his face, and his chiseled jaw and cheekbones cast dramatic shadows. He is a living Caravaggio.

I turned a little red when I gazed at his lips and remembered my early morning fantasy. He blinked twice about once every second.

"Everyone's going to think I'm winking at them," he joked.

Since he had developed a sore throat two days earlier, I wasn't too concerned for him. Sometimes when I'm coming down with a cold, my eye will twitch, imperceptibly for a few days. True, it didn't blink like Trevor's eye, but perhaps this was just a different manifestation of the same problem.

Leaving the 7-11 the next day, I saw Trevor with a group of other people from the retreat outside, gorging themselves on buffalo wings, corndogs and slurpees. I decided to slip away and go back to camp without saying hello: there were a few obnoxious guys I didn't feel like dealing with.

I turned the corner, thinking I'd successfully avoided them, when I saw Trevor catch my eye. With a smirk on his face he impulsively dashed toward me, and said, "Think you'd get away from me that easily?" He winked at me.

Without warning, he peeled off his t-shirt in a quick, fluid motion. Smooth Hershey milk chocolate skin rippled with taut pecs and abs. A flash of dark hairy armpits. Tufts of silky chest hair danced between his pecs, and trailed from his navel into nether regions.

"Could you do that in slow motion?" I wanted to ask. His nipple was at my eye level, and I was dangerously too close.

"I can't close my left eye now," Trevor said, then sucked on his vanilla slushee.

"What do you mean?" I offered him a piece of my Cadbury Fruit and Nut Bar.

"No thanks, I don't like chocolate," he said. He stopped suddenly, facing me, and I nearly walked mouth first into his pecs. He squinched, but only the right side of his face wrinkled. The left side didn't move.

"See?" he said.

The right side of his mouth curled into a sneer, but the left side remained placid. His blinking right eye and brow scowled, but the left eye remained open and expressionless.

"Holee, when did that happened?" I asked, horrified.

"It started this morning when I woke up," Trevor said. "I think it's gotten worse as the day went on."

"Have you seen a doctor?" I asked.

"No, but do you think I should? Everyone's just been teasing me about it, so I wasn't sure if it was serious."

"So you can't even shut your left eye when you try? How are you going to sleep tonight?" I asked, in horror. "I think we should go to emergency RIGHT NOW!" We started walking at a face pace toward the country hospital, only a few blocks away. I wanted to run there.

"What do you think it is…a stroke?" he wondered, aloud. "Maybe it's a reaction to the antibiotics I'm taking for my sore throat?"

"I don't know, but we definitely need to get it checked out."

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Boreal Bluet

writing without punctuation
is like the dragonfly that
slipstreams cross the surface
of the mirror and is
reflected 423 times two
but doesn't see itself because
it's driven along by the current
it navigates with gossamer wings
and only angels know to where it goes
it distinguishes itself not from the
wind or the water or the waves of grass
it glides glistening a fluorescent blue
a sliver of sky let loose and fluttering
it flies by and by

Thursday, July 20, 2006


I saw the back of his neck, first. The chocolate latte skin. And the beautiful shape of his sculptured head, shaved bristle-short. Then he turned around and smiled at me with smoky hazel eyes framed by streamlined brows, an aquiline nose and full, beautifully shaped lips. The corners of his mouth curled upward into a single quotation mark.

I couldn't stop looking at his lips. The way his pearly teeth pressed into them, softly lingering. He looked like a Dolce and Gabbana model: unattainable. But he exuded an earthy, comforting warmth.

He said hello in a voice I wanted to snuggle into. And when he extended his arm in greeting, I noticed his baseball sized bicep and skull tattoo. I was a bit scared, because if you didn’t notice the genuine friendliness in his eyes, you might think he would stick a knife into you.

"Trevor," he said.

He told me that he had been in and out of prison for various reasons, including vehicle thefts, possession of firearms and public mischief. But that’s because he’d been doing crack and crystal meth. Then he spent 8 months in a psychiatric hospital seeing demons while hallucinating, brought on by the drugs. Trevor said it had made him a believer in the spiritual realm.

While in the hospital, another patient wrote him a rap song.

"Do you want to hear it?" Trevor asked me.

He sat down and leaned in closer to me, so his lips nearly touched my ear, and without hesitating spoke the words in rhythm. His cappuccino voice was hypnotic and put me in a spell. I wanted to lay cupped in arms in bed, having him whisper songs in my ear.

He showed me his tattoo: a skull with a cross on its forehead, and a gun-holding hand with the numbers 187 scrawled across the top. Celtic flourishes wrapped around his triceps and down to his forearms. "187", he explained, stood for some gang code. I can't remember what exactly, because when he told me I was mesmerized by his lips forming the words.

Later, at 3am I woke with an erection. I imagined his hazel eyes looking up at me while those soft, luscious lips blew me. I shot my load, and massaged it into a creamy froth on my torso.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Mason Wyler

I'm not prone to writing about porn stars, but I have to break tradition and mention "Mason Wyler." Unlike some people, I really like porn. I first saw this guy on Randy Blue and completely fell in lust with him. He has to be the sexiest guy I've ever seen. I just wanted to bring him to your attention. What do you think?

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Goodbye Chris Labelle!

Unfortunately Chris was voted off last night. I guess the Canadian audience didn't go for his monopoly money throwing stage antics and red Mohawk. I sure did. I think he's so hot!

So does Ben Mulroney, apparently. You can see him rubbing his hair in the animated image above, and he was so touchy-feely with Chris. I would be too, so I don't blame him.

During Chris' goodbye speech, he joked about wanting to be a tv weatherman, and then said that he would be releasing a CD in January, apparently on his own label. I seriously would go watch this guy perform - I'll have to see if I can get him to Southern Alberta.

There's an interview with him on the Canadian Idol site here - scroll to the bottom and click on "Chris Labelle." He reminds me a lot of Brad, in the way he talks in a stream of consciousness. Best wishes to him.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Gender, Sex & Sexuality: Moving Toward an Omnisexuality

As we enter into a new millennium, one of the most important challenges facing humanity is to transform our understanding of gender, sex, and sexuality. While much work has been done in the last few decades, there is still much suffering in the world surrounding these issues. The spiritual meaning and purpose of gender, sex, and sexuality are difficult topics to discuss because our culture has many false beliefs about them. Discussion brings these false beliefs, which need to be examined and surrendered, to our awareness which triggers inner struggles. But the challenges they involve are one of their many gifts. Understanding these gifts brings a greater awareness of our wholeness and divinity so we may experience the ecstasy of our true nature.

In this article, I give you my thoughts on the dance of passion between the Shakti and Shiva energies within us, and how our relationship to each gives rise to our experience of sexuality. I avoid giving Shiva and Shakti a gender, because I believe that our culture's myths about male and female qualities are based upon false beliefs. These false beliefs result in karmic core issues, which are played out in human sexuality, and ask for our healing.

The diversity of human sexuality is truly remarkable, and each manifestation of it requires us to deconstruct our false beliefs about power and the meanings of gender, so that we become truly empowered. Learning to love the unique expressions of our divinity, through the expression of our human sexual selves, allows us to get closer to experiencing the erotic and passionate nature of the universe.

The ecstatic love of Shakti and Shiva

Each one of us carries within equal amounts of the complementary energies of the Creator. There are many names for these energies, but in this article I will identify them as the Vedic notions of Shiva and Shakti.

Shiva is the aspect of God within that is pure consciousness and potential power. It is like the dark matter described by Kryon that makes up the universe - it is infinite, aware, potential energy. It is invisible and silent. It is unlimited creative potential. It is omnipresent and the source of all that is. Shiva may be thought of as conceptual and intellectual. Shiva speaks to us through knowing - without words or feelings. Shiva is love.

Shakti is the aspect of God within that is creative power in action. Shakti is the will or desire that brings Shiva's potential into motion, and manifests it. It passionately triggers the potential creativity of Shiva, and actualizes it. Shakti is expressive and speaks to us through our senses. It is inspiration. Shakti is the verb form of love - loving.

Shiva and Shakti are not separate or distinct, and always work together as one. They are two sides of the indivisible Creator. In myth, Shakti's love for Shiva makes Shakti dance passionately and bring Shiva's creative potential into existence. They exist together in eternal ecstasy. It is their dance of intimacy that creates us and allows us to know and experience love. It is the source and force behind everything, including our relationships. It is the drive behind passionate love for each other and ourselves. We are Shiva and Shakti. When we are conscious of these universal forces of God within - when we acknowledge them as cooperative aspects of love, we experience ecstasy, wholeness, and a divine love for all that is.

When we fall in love, we are recognizing through the Shakti and Shiva within, the divinity of the other.

Shakti and Shiva are unrelated to gender

I wish to avoid applying gender specificity to these two energies by calling Shiva 'masculine' energy and Shakti 'feminine' energy. This confuses the nature of God because in our culture, male power has nothing to do with the characteristics of Shiva. Aggression, competition, domination and other abuses of power are the result of denying awareness of Shiva and misapplying the energies of Shakti. Aggression is Shakti energy without the awareness of love. It is fear in action. And where there is fear, love is hidden and denied.

Likewise, our culture has a very distorted understanding of 'feminine' power,' and so confuses our understanding of Shakti. Females in our culture have not been associated with power, but instead with passivity and receptivity. Even creativity is, at times, associated with weakness in North American culture. Yet Shakti empowers all action and creation.

The power associated with men and women in our culture is not the result of 'masculine' and 'feminine' energies - they are the result of Shiva and Shakti operating together to create imbalanced manifestations of power.

'Masculine' and 'feminine' qualities are based on myths. This is a false belief that has arisen over centuries of human evolution to the point that our genetic code has been affected to some degree and seems to provide "proof" that there is an essential difference.

Gender is neutral in meaning

It is like the color of your eyes or skin. We have applied beliefs to a neutral characteristic of our human bodies over the thousands of years that we have walked the earth. These beliefs are the result of an imbalance in Shiva and Shakti energies. Our false beliefs about gender are one of the most important gifts that sexuality brings to our awareness to be healed.

Falling in love

When we fall in love, Shiva gives us an inner knowing that the object of our affection can help to make us aware of our wholeness. Shakti inspires us to act and the union of the two energies within us causes us to experience passionate, sensual, and erotic love. We are driven to unite with the other, to explore the nature of our loved one, because we see a reflection of our wholeness in him or her. Sex is the act that mirrors the union of Shiva and Shakti within us - we desire to merge into wholeness with ourself.

For example, when I have met my romantic partners, I have known from the beginning that we would get involved in a relationship. A wordless, silent part of me knows and acknowledges that we have an important connection. This is the Shiva aspect of my being. The silent knowing of Shiva starts bubbling around inside me, stirring my emotions and passions and joyfully moves me to act on the knowing, so that I will see this person again. My feelings and desire to act is the Shakti energy working inside of me.

Shiva and Shakti energies must work cooperatively in us in order for us to fall in love, and on a deeper level, realize our divinity. There are individuals who never seem to meet a romantic partner. He or she may hold a false core belief that they are not worthy of love and therefore shut out the knowingness of Shiva. Or he or she may hear the wordless voice of Shiva, but doubt negates it, and therefore does not act on it and initiate Shakti's powers. At the root is fear. Where there is fear, there is a karmic core issue to heal, and until it is surrendered, we will not hear the wordless voice of Shiva's love. Where there is fear, we will not trust our inner guidance and act upon it in a loving, self-affirming manner.

When Shiva and Shakti energies are imbalanced, they create suffering, obsession, control issues and other forms of powerlessness. There are many variations of this. Some people always seem to be pining for someone who never appears or is unavailable. Others get involved with people who they can control, or who control them. Love does not involve pining or loss, and neither does it involve control. Only fear creates these situations, which are based on a false core belief of powerless and unworthiness of love.

Fear shuts down the guidance of Shiva, and uses Shakti in ways that we experience as non-loving and abusive. All relationships and sexual practices that are based on control, power over another, and powerlessness, are the result of Shakti energies being used in ways that are fear-based. The paradox is that even in fear-based uses of Shakti there is only love. Shiva only allows Shakti Shiva's power, and Shakti only acts and brings Shiva's potential into actuality because within everything and every experience is love. As long as any situation is needed for a spiritual purpose, both Shiva and Shakti allow it into creation. But the abuse of Shakti's power is not the easiest way to learn to heal our false core beliefs.

Complementary Relationships

Complementary relationships are manifested by our need to recognize in ourselves what we see in others. When we deny that the qualities we see in the other do not exist within ourselves, we become dependent on the other to give us a sense of completion or reject them because they reflect shadow qualities we wish to deny in ourselves.

Our dependence on another is not stable, because our fears become triggered. The ecstasy of falling in love usually lasts for only a few months, because we begin to fear that the wholeness we experience with another will be taken away. Our fear silences the voice of Shiva within. Our security is threatened, and our fears cause us to behave in defensive ways. We attempt to manipulate the other into giving us what we need by being demanding, threatening (we'll withdraw our love and affection until we get what we want or in extreme cases react with emotional and physical abuse), by trying to make the other feel guilty and acquiesce to our expectations, or by trying to please the other and denying our true feelings and needs. We misuse our Shakti energies.

Those in the relationship begin to experience conflict and drama. Each person is attempting to find wholeness in the other, instead of recognizing his or her wholeness within.

What do we see in another that makes us believe we will find wholeness in him or her? Ask yourself, "If my partner were to leave me, what would I feel missing?" Is it his or her independence, self-control, discipline, intellect and reason, competitiveness, or assertiveness? Is it his or her spontaneity, warmth, humor, honesty, passion, intuition, spirituality, cooperativeness, loyalty, protection, trustworthiness, ability to surrender or nurture? These are qualities we must recognize and honor within ourselves.

On the other hand, ask yourself, "What do I dislike most about my partner?" Is it their selfishness, detachment, rudeness, or dependence? Each of these mirror qualities we need to acknowledge, accept and love within ourselves, and thereby bring wholeness to our psyches. For example, if we experience our partner as selfish, then perhaps we need to be more selfish and honor our own needs by setting boundaries about what is acceptable behavior toward us.

Once we work through our false core beliefs, fears and accept ourselves with love, we bring Shiva and Shakti back into balance and again may experience the ecstasy of their cooperative union in others, the world and ourselves.

Deconstructing the myths of gender

One of the most important spiritual purposes of sexual attraction is to help us to deconstruct false core beliefs about gender. The limitless creativity of Shiva and Shakti has come up with many twists and turns in the experience and practice of sexuality. I will attempt to explain some of these and unwind some myths about gender.

Many thousands of years ago, when humans began to believe that we are separate from God, the loving guidance of Shiva became difficult to hear. Our belief in separateness of God triggered fears and insecurities, because we lost touch with our divinity. Our human selves took over, and tried achieving a sense of power and security by controlling others, or allowing ourselves to be controlled. We misused our Shakti energies. Through controlling others, or being controlled, we gained a sense of power, but it was illusory. Yet it brought certain gratifications for a creature that had forgotten its true divine nature.

In many cultures myths evolved about the nature of strength and power, and how these are related to male defensive behaviors such as aggression, domination and control. Women were relegated to serving men, and taught to be submissive, supportive and powerless. While there were always cultures that differed in beliefs regarding the imbalance of power between men and women, these expectations dominated world cultures. In the early twenty-first century, we are still attempting to usurp these myths.

We are all familiar with them. A man is aggressive, dominating, competitive, logical, physically strong, tough, unemotional, rational, territorial and independent. A woman is supposed to be passive, nurturing, cooperative, emotional, weak, compliant and dependent. Both of these are based upon an imbalance between Shiva and Shakti energies.

If we deviate from these cultural norms, we are ostracized, threatened, punished and rejected. Most of us have spent a lot of energy denying aspects of who we are in order to be accepted by others and our culture. This has lead to greater self-hatred and suffering. The truth is that we are all capable of all these qualities. Fortunately there have always been individuals who honored themselves and lived to be exceptions and examples to others.

There are many women throughout history who have exhibited qualities usually associated with men, and were very successful. In spite of our culture's beliefs, they achieved power or self-actualization in a male-dominated world. Feminism opened the doors on a large scale to begin examining, and deconstructing cultural myths about femininity, masculinity and gender.

Likewise, many men have had qualities usually associated with women in our culture. In various times and ages they were known as artistic, creative, sensitive, emotional, peaceful and nurturing beings. Sometimes they were relegated to positions of artist, fop, philosopher or holy man. Today there is a greater awareness of the many variations and combinations of masculine and feminine qualities within every male and female individual, and in some areas of the world, greater acceptance. The gender revolution keeps evolving.

Before incorporating, we choose specific combinations of gender and personal characteristics for many reasons. Women with strong 'male' characteristics may help other females to claim their own. And men with strong 'female' characteristics also challenge cultural norms and pervading societal beliefs. Our higher selves plan these variations from cultural norms with wisdom, in order to teach us about our society's limiting beliefs about gender. Each is an opportunity to learn become free of these limiting beliefs by validating and loving our own expression of divinity and those in others.

Sexual attraction variations

Other than gender and individual variations from cultural norms, there is also the variation of sexual attraction preferences. Sexual preferences, I believe, are chosen prior to incorporating in order to challenge individual and societal myths about gender, and give us opportunities to learn specific spiritual lessons.

I believe that sexual preference exists in the coding of our DNA as energy patterns, just as our personality, innate talents and abilities, physical appearance, and karmic core beliefs do. Sexual preferences may remain consistent over a person's life, or they may go through a sudden change. Some people, identified as bisexuals, experience a greater fluidity and freedom of choice in their sexual preference.

It's important not to confuse 'masculine' and 'feminine' characteristics with sexual preference. Sexual preference is a feature of our human selves that is a separate phenomenon.

While there are gay men and lesbians who clearly exhibit culturally defined 'feminine' and 'masculine' characteristics not peculiar to their gender, there are others who are perfect examples of our society's stereotypes of gender. Being gay does not mean that you are 'feminine.' And being lesbian does not mean that you are "butch." And like heterosexual men and women, most fall somewhere in-between.

Gays and lesbians — challenging patriarchal society

Our Western culture may be homophobic because sexual relationships between two men threaten our society's cultural/gender norms, and the foundation upon which male dominance is built — heterosexuality.

In the most extreme and dysfunctional examples of patriarchal culture, where a male and female attempt to experience power within its myths of gender, sexual relationships are eroticized as acts of domination and submission. The sexual dynamic may not be as obvious as sadomasochism, but instead involve subtle psychological control maneuvers. In the old energy, most sexual relationships involve the eroticization of power to some degree.

In this situation, a man uses the sexual passion of Shakti to eroticize his physical domination of a female, thereby giving himself an illusory sense of power. A woman too, uses the passion of Shakti to allow herself to eroticize the act of submitting to the physical domination of a male. Within passivity there is also the illusion of control, though it is more challenging to perceive because it is non-assertive.

Both individuals are attempting to experience power, either through domination or submission, and simultaneously they uphold the values of their culture — men are dominating, women are submissive.

In this model it is suggested that homosexual acts are paradoxical. According to this theory of sexuality, the men involved eroticize one another's symbols of masculine power, such as their physical structure, clothing and behavior. Yet the masculine power is simultaneously defiled, because the men engage in sexual acts that dominate or submit to another man. When a man allows himself to be dominated by another man, then the power of masculinity is defiled in a patriarchal society. Male power is based upon domination — not submission.

These are interpretations and experiences of human sexuality without the loving awareness that Shiva brings. Without love, sexuality becomes a forum of attempting to achieve a false sense of power. The individual who believes they are powerlessness attempts to regain a sense of power through his or her sexuality.

Sex, when practiced in this manner, is not about tenderness, intimacy, or communion with another individual. Without awareness of Shiva and Shakti together, there is only the impulse toward a false and fleeting sense of power and security. Where there is a balance of Shiva and Shakti, there is true intimacy, communion and love. True power — the power of love — comes from within each individual and is shared.

Gay sexuality

Gay sexual attraction is modeled upon the same template as heterosexual attraction. Within each man, or woman, are qualities denied in self, and in need of acknowledgement and acceptance. Gender plays very little part in this.

Other than challenging society's myths about gender, my sexuality provided other spiritual challenges. When I consider the meanings and spiritual purposes of being a gay male, many complex, interwoven reasons emerge.

When I was a child, I had qualities, and identified with interests that are usually associated with females. This did not make me gay, and it is not to say that I didn't feel male — I did, and do, and enjoy being male. But the things that interested most men — such as competitive team sports, and aggressive play-fighting — didn't appeal to me. My father modeled for me a gentle, non-aggressive demeanor, but he was disappointed when I couldn't share his excitement in playing hockey or baseball. I was naturally more attracted to creative and expressive endeavors.

My personality indicates that I am created with a greater propensity for culturally defined 'female' characteristics and interests. Not that I am effeminate or in any way less than other men. None of this has anything to do with sexual preference — it is important to recognize that heterosexual men may have similar characteristics to myself, and many gay men have identical interests and characteristics to our society's description of a typical heterosexual male.

I was aware of sexual feelings towards other males even before puberty, though I hadn't developed a discourse around these feelings. In puberty I showed a mild sexual interest in girls my age, but it was other males that I felt most strongly about. This caused several problems for me, from which I learned many important lessons.

The most important lesson was self-validation, on many levels. My family, peers and entire culture considered being gay an abomination, or a perversion. It set up a conundrum — either I could deny my sexual desires, thoughts and feelings in order to please others, but end up in self-hatred; or I could affirm my feelings, thoughts and desires, work through the fears of being rejected and hated by my family, friends and society, but honor myself.

Being gay made me become more independent and learn to honor and trust my inner self in a deeper way. I learned over many years that how I feel about myself is more important than what others think of me. I found that as I loved and accepted myself more, others accepted and loved me for who I am. Being gay made me risk losing my family's love and support by acting on what I knew to be essential to my wellbeing. It also made me question the core beliefs on which our world is formed, and challenge these when it conflicted with my inner truth.

These lessons involve core issues we all must face on their spiritual journey at some point our soul's evolution. Each one of us takes a different route.

Whenever I examine the many variations of sexual expression, there are two main core issues that emerge:
• The importance of honoring the self, even when it contradicts cultural and societal expectations. Even when we face possible rejection by our families, peers, friends and society. We must learn to love who we are, regardless of others' opinions.
• The importance of rejecting and living outside of societal/cultural gender expectations. We all exist outside of them. By doing so, we begin to own all aspects of who we are and awaken to our wholeness.

By accepting and validating who we are with love, we deconstruct the core belief that we are not worthy of love and are powerless. We begin to awaken to our wholeness and true power and step outside the use of sex to gain a sense of illusionary power.

The existence of gay and lesbian sexuality, and other deviations from heterosexuality, challenges everyone's beliefs about gender and makes us question the deeper meanings and purposes of sexuality. Consider these creative expressions of sexuality and the challenges not only for the individuals involved, but for our society's understanding of sexuality and gender:
• A heterosexual male who likes to wear panties, nylons, makeup and other accoutrements of 'female' garb in order to make him feel sexually aroused with a female.
• A lesbian, who on the outside appears to exemplify our society's expectations of femininity and female beauty, but inside, feels male. She has told me that she feels like a "male inside a perfect female body."
• A heterosexual man discovers after being married for 15 years that his sexual preference is now sliding over to the gay end of the spectrum.
• A lesbian who spent years accepting her sexuality and becoming empowered, suddenly finds herself attracted only to men, and has to go through the difficult process of coming out as a heterosexual and faces losing the friendship and support of her lesbian community.

Whenever we own our sexuality and unique divine expression, we own our true power. The second chakra governs the arenas of sexuality and power, so these two energies are intimately related. Whenever we bring healing to one, we experience new challenges, opportunities and healing in the other. When our true sense of power is restored at a core level, our sexuality shifts, temporarily ungrounding us and requires further integration of our wholeness and power. How our sexuality shifts depends upon the unique spiritual challenges we have committed to individually.

Sex and sexuality in the new millennium

As humanity continues to ascend, what will happen to our sexuality, and what purpose will it have? This is a complex and challenging question, and there are as many answers as there are individual souls. There are many paths, and each allows us to explore our wholeness and power. But I am willing to offer some possibilities.

Many of us may experience greater freedom in sexual preference, as we extricate ourselves from karmic core issues. As our beliefs about gender begin to break down, exposing the illusions involved, then it is possible that we will begin to experience men and women as spiritual beings, outside of gender. Gender may no longer be the focus of sexual attraction — instead our erotic attraction is based upon the inner qualities of the individual. Some may move toward an omnisexuality.

Omnisexuality is a term that describes the eros and passion in all creation. Literally, we become involved in an erotic relationship with all that is. We experience the divine nature of all that is, within everything and everyone. As we heal the fears of our core issues, and surrender to our divinity, the Shiva and Shakti energies within us are reunited.

The union of Shiva and Shakti within

I have been fortunate enough to experience this phenomenon to some degree. Last spring, I could feel a powerful surge of energy trying to work its way through my body, but it was blocked by tension in my hip area. I felt afraid of the power of this energy — I was experiencing it as a highly aggressive energy and as primal in nature. I was having a difficult time staying grounded in it. At the time I believed it was some kind of 'masculine' energy.

My guidance led me to a specific massage therapist, who specialized in tantric massage. He was familiar with a wide range of massage techniques. Because of some holding pattern in my body, the muscles surrounding my hips were contracted, tilting them to the right. I intuitively knew that I needed to work with my breath and allowed myself to breathe in sync with an ebb and flow of energy within me. In order to release the tension, the massage therapist pressed his entire body weight with his elbow into my hip, which caused extreme pain for a few moments.

Suddenly I felt the tension release, and the powerful energy that was trying to work its way through my body surged through the bottom of my feet, up my legs, through my hip, and up my spine. The energy flowed back and forth rhythmically, and my breathing synchronized with it. I felt as though I had completely surrendered my whole being into the energies of the universe. As the energy moved through my body, it kissed every cell of my body with the most amazing passion and love. It was deeply erotic, though not in the usual sexual sense.

The massage therapist intuitively knew what was happening to me, and worked with the energy to move it through my body. At one point, as I was taking a deep breath in, he moved a strong stream of energy up my legs and spine and it suddenly focussed in one great mass in the center of my head. I lost awareness of myself as an individual. I merged, it seemed, with all that is, for a split second. The experience was ecstatic. Suddenly the energy poured out of the top of my head, and it felt like, well… an orgasm!

I felt like the universe had just made love to me. It was the most nurturing and deeply loving emotional and physical experience I had ever had. My inner guidance was also fully awake, and giving me wordless insights about it and many other things. These include:
• The entire fabric of the universe is love.
• The experience of this love is available whenever we surrender to it.
• Aggression is not the result of 'male' energies, but the result of fear blocking the energy of Shakti, so the expression of her power is distorted. Behind this fear is love.

When I got off the table I felt like a baby trying to take his first steps. It was as though I had never been in a physical body before, and each movement through the ether of our physical universe was erotic and ecstatic. When I left the office and went onto the street, I felt so open, alive and full of love. I had a beautific smile on my face and had to stop myself from embracing everyone I saw on the street. I experienced the spiritual beauty of people around me, and saw the fear that held them back from experiencing it.

Perhaps the path of human sexuality in this new age is one that may lead us to omnisexuality. An erotic, sexual relationship with life itself — the most fulfilling and satisfying sexual experience imaginable.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Chris Labelle and Brad Update

----Update to my update: The Canadian Idol/CTV people must have discovered the clips on YouTube and removed them. So I've deleted the videos. Too bad! They were very fun.

I emailed someone on YouTube who had uploaded a couple of Canadian Idol Videos and asked her if she had Chris Labelle's performance and she did! And very kindly uploaded it for me. Here he is... He's so cute. I especially love: his motorcycle gag at the beginning of the video; the way he arches his back when he stands up from sitting; his funny walk; and his laugh.

On yesterday's show he dyed his Mohawk red for Canada Day. He toned his performance down a little.

On the message boards of Canadian Idol, everyone is comparing Chris Labelle to last season's contestant Jacob. Can you honestly see anything similar? Here is Jacob singing David Bowie. Canadian's tend to like singers/musicians who are a bit weird.

I like one judge's comment that you wouldn't find a performance like this on most Idol programs, other than in Canada.


Also, it turns out that Brad did end up taking the money I gave him and using crack for a day or so, but now he's safely back at his home, and doing well. I'm glad he didn't do it longer than he did, and he feels very disgusted with himself.

I also think his sponsor has told him not to talk to me, because of the whole "I'm attracted to him" thing, or perhaps he just made up his own mind, but he's distancing himself from me. Oh well, it's probably for the best. I mean, I was really looking forward to some cuddling, and I haven't written off the possibility...if it's meant to be, it'll be. Too bad, he was about the most interesting thing happening in my life. It probably isn't right, anyway, from a moral point of view.*

Next week I'm going off for a retreat for a few weeks, so I'll be away. I'm going to be following a strict and healthy diet and working out a couple hours a day. I'm sure I'll meet some people to distract myself with too. I'm not sure if I'll have internet access, but if I do, I'll post about it.


*By the way, some of the pics I used were actually of my Brad, not Brad Pitt. Can you pick out which ones? I'll never tell.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Camera Obscura

I just realized in my last post about Brad, I used a metaphor which perfectly describes him, my relationship to him, and really, about everything. Pardon me while I spell it out:

The problem with trying to take a picture of Brad [metaphor for trying to understand oneself or the other] though is he can't stay still [our identities are constantly in flux and in development, both internally and externally]. He's constantly moving, and his facial expressions constantly change from moment to moment, so he's like the worst model ["model" represents the impossibility of simplifying or objectifying oneself or the other to a defined and closed system of ideas] you can hope for. Plus my camera's shutter speed isn't fast enough to capture him - by the time the moment is right, and I press the button, and the shutter clicks, he's already moved and emoted several more things, so I never get a good picture. I was afraid too that another guy would come into the room and see me taking pictures of this practically naked stud [this suggests various things: how our interactions with others points of views/projections instantly changes our own, and our personalities change with the introduction of the third in a closed, two-people system]. So, I let it go.

I think this is some kind of nihilistic philosophy, possibly post-structural, but I'm not knowledgeable enough about philosophies to figure it out. Anyway, I guess that's how I'm feeling about life, people and myself right now. :)

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Sade-ness: not an Enigma

Procedamus in pace

This song, and many of Enigma's songs are about the conflict between the physical (body, sexuality, corporeal) and the spiritual (meaning of life, spiritual evolution, values and morals). This is immediately made clear in the music itself - the contrast between the ethereality of much of the spiritual/religious music such as Gregorian chants and others that they sample, with their grinding, techno, primitive and sexy beats.

Enigma is not at all Christian in their theology - they offer absolutely no solutions, but only bring the ideas into question. Enigma uses religious music from many different cultures including Christianity, Islam, Hindu, and native peoples, etc. which suggest they are much more easily classified as New Age - a belief that all religions share common spiritual beliefs, but there is no true theology or discipline behind New Age: it is based on personal exploration and it is "situation-specific."

If you were to listen to all of Enigma's music, some of it is explicitly New Age, especially the concept behind the name of one of their albums, "The Screen Behind the Mirror."

The Marquis de Sade may be the writer who others later used as a historical figure in the term sadism or the practice and beliefs of sado-masochism, but contemporary sado-masochism is entirely different than what the Marquis described or practiced.

I see this song as clearly playing with (not coming to any conclusions about) the idea of sadism as a sexual/spiritual practice - it believes there is a spiritual release into Oneness, through the techniques of domination of submission through sexual practices that include pain and humiliation. Practitioners describe a religious ecstasy when certain thresholds are crossed.

The Marquis de Sade is referred to as a representative of the practice of sado-masochism. In a sense, the questioner is conflicted between her Christian beliefs that sex, domination, submission, pain and humiliation are evil, while she herself is tempted by them, or perhaps has experienced them.

She asks:
Sade, tell me
Sade, give it to me ("give it to me" is a sexual reference)
Let us come in peace (a play on the word "come")
In the name of Christ, Amen (a teasing sacrilegious reference in this context).

Sado-masochism is a paradox, because it promotes a powerful pleasure to its practitioners, and a type of spiritual experience that feels "divine" while using techniques that are generally considered evil.

Ironically, some interpretations of Christianity, particularly as practiced the Medieval era, promoted submission and domination by the Catholic Church, including self-flagellation and the punishment of the body (the corporeal) to achieve the incorporeal (spiritual awakening).

Keep in mind that Michael and Sandra Cretu also live on the Spanish island of Ibiza, reknown for its wild, rave and party scene, and are highly involved in the dance club music industry.

Finally, in many of Enigma's videos, there are explicit references to the celebration of the body and sexuality, and references to sado-masochism.

Lyrics for: Sadeness (Part One)

Procedamus in pace
In nomine Christi, Amen
Cum angelis et pueris, fideles inveniamur
Attollite portas, principes, vestras,
Et elevamini, portae aeternales,
Et introibit Rex gloriae.
Quis est iste Rex gloriae?

Sade, dis-moi...
Sade, donnes-moi...
Procedamus in pace
In nomine Christi, Amen

Sade, dis-moi, qu'est-ce que tu vas chercher?
Le bien par le mal? La vertue par le vice?
Sade, dis-moi, pourquoi l'û?vangile du mal?
Quelle est ta relûÙgû?on? Ou sont tes fidû´les?
Si tu es contre Dieu, tu es contre l'homme
Sade, es-tu diabolique, ou divin?

Sade, dis-moi... Hosanna
Sade, donnes-moi... Hosanna
Sade, dis-moi... Hosanna
Sade, donnes-moi... Hosanna

In nomine Christi, Amen


Translation of French and Latin

Let us come in peace
In the name of Christ, Amen
In the company of angels and children, we will find the believer
Raise the poles of your glorious doors
And once they are elevated,
The Glorious King will arrive
Who is this Glorious King?

Sade, tell me
Sade, give it to me
Let us come in peace
In the name of Christ, Amen

Sade, tell me
What are you looking for?
The good or the bad
Virtue or vice
Sade, why the gospel of evil?

What is your religion and the religion of your followers?
If you are against God, you are against man
Sade, are you diabolic or divine?

Sade, say to me, Hosanna
Sade, give to me, Hosanna
Sade, say to me, Hosanna
Sade, give to me, Hosanna

In the name of Christ, Amen