Tuesday, April 22, 2003


I'm feeling a little disappointed with myself at the moment. I had a very productive day work-wise, but on the friendship side, I could be doing better. I have four fascinating, potentially wonderful guys wanting to get together with me (who I just met), but I'm feeling apathetic about it. I've enjoyed talking with them, but when it comes to making concrete plans in getting together, I just don't feel like it.

I forced myself to call them a few minutes ago, and said, "Hi, how are you doing, I'm still interested in getting together, but maybe by the end of the week when I get my 'head out of the water,' hope you're doing well. They weren't home so I left messages, thank goodness.

I haven't written about it much, but having to let go of BC, on New Year's, was really hard on me. He was my best friend, who I spent all my time with, we talked daily, and I also had to let go of all our common friendships. It's hard for me to let go of people. I'm not good at it. When I bond I'm terribly committed.

So right now I'm still a little shy of meeting new people, creating new bonds, risking having to get hurt again. I also feel too much pressure from a few of them - I just want to make new friends. I'm not into developing relationships. I just need a little more time before I'm healed. And I also don't want to regret not getting to know these guys. They're very nice.

Maybe I'll get my haircut and tan, so I'll be in the meeting mood by the weekend. Right now, I just want to huddle up here in my home, marking assignments, listening the radio, and being alone. It's safer that way.

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