Sunday, December 28, 2003

Happy holidays and new year!
It's been a long time since I've posted. But over the holidays, I checked out my favourite sites and have caught up on what's been happening with my buddies.

I didn't give up on blogging. Instead I took a break. Unlike Coolrelax, I'm not willing to end the whole blogging experience. I know many guys consider ending the journal thing. But when I need to break, I'll do it. It doesn't mean that I'll never be back.

So it is a new year, and I need to write about what I've learned, and what will be different in the coming year. There's so many things that need to change.

I went to an astrologer four years ago, who's very well regarded, here in British Columbia, Canada, who told me I would meet my long term partner when I turned 39. I will turn 39 on January 9th. I'm not worried about it. I know I look amazing for my age. But I would like to meet a nice guy. It's funny - I've become more practical about what I'm looking for in a guy. Sure, I'd like him to be handsome, perhaps a big dick, or even willing to sing Mr. Grinch karaoke-style to me. But instead of super-hot-sex, I'd like a guy who's willing to be with me over the years, we'll take care of each other, through illness and health, and help me to manage my money better. I guess that's what happens with age.

Over this next year, 2004, I will...

Redecorate my beautiful home.
Keep my beautiful home (even though it's very expensive)
Continue teaching.
Continuing getting new contracts.
Work out regularly.
Eat properly.
Maintain balance.
Travel to Europe.
Get Restalyne on my lips.
Buy a new Mac.
Discover new levels of fitness.
Create at least one new revelation in my personality and life.

Well, I've written it, so I need to keep my promise of my new years.


Thursday, October 30, 2003

How to suck dick

: I'm new...what's this technique that B.C. taught you!!!??


Hi Brent - thanks for your note. What do you mean "you're new?" You're new to being gay, or you're a new blogger? I've been checking out your blog, and enjoying it! I love all the pictures.

Well, maybe the technique isn't all that new, but it was new to me when BC taught me...even though I'd been gay for 20 years. Part of the technique is that I got used to sucking such a huge dick. At first, I couldn't do much with it - but after lots of practice, I was able to manage it just fine, without gagging.

The main aspects are using variety: go down slow, enveloping every inch with your mouth and tongue, then flick your tongue on the underside of the dick head, where the skin attaches to the head, and suck occasionally (creating a vacuum) Always keep your partner on edge, so he can't predict what you're going to do next. Go fast and furious one minute, then slow the next. Flicker his underside while sucking, then go down slowly and deeply. The other thing that really works is ... once he's really hard, push your throat down on his dick repeatedly, then slowly move up and let your tongue flicker the underside, then forcefully push down on his dick, letting your throat hit swallow his dick hard.

It's rather hard to explain - I'd rather show you. So the next time you're in Vancouver.... he he.

Let me know if this is new information or not. It could simply be my own naivete.

Saturday, October 18, 2003

'fess up time:
I've been such a slut. I don't know what's gotten into me. Except for lots of dick.

20 minutes ago, I met a guy online at For some reason I can't use on my Mac. Anyway, he wanted his big, uncut dick sucked. I wanted to suck a nice big, uncut dick. Except my straight roommate is home, so I suggested we meet in my garage. He was into it.

So I'm standing outside my garage at 5pm, and he walks up. A hot, 6' tall, 32 year old, short brown hair and eyes, sexy, and I take us into the garage. He asked me to bring poppers. So he undoes his jeans, and I start feeling around his crotch, and he's already hard. He's wearing very sexy cotton boxers with a blue and red and grey stripe thing going on. I pull out his already hard dick, and it's nice! It's about 8" I'd say, uncut, and just groaning for attention.

I give "Alex" the poppers, which he inhales, and his cock just points my way. So I do my cock sucking technique that I learned from "BC" and he's groaning away, and actually comes in about three minutes! The whole event must have taken 8 minutes.

It's so can suck a guy's cock (which I think is supposed to be a personal thing), who comes, you don't know him from Adam, you have your mouth around his cock, your hands on his butt and chest, and then he walks away after thanking you.

But that's not all I've been up to... I know I'm going to turn off a lot of my readers by telling you this, but oh well.

There's a local escort in town who I've seen on, who I've always wanted to have sex with - he seems so hot in his pictures, and his reviews are amazing. So, I had an extra $300 and decided to call him last night. Holy fuck! What an amazing time I had.

My roommate had decided to go to a couple movies, so he was not home, thank goodness. I think he knew something was up, when I bought some wine, and made a plate of garlic artichoke dip with green pea crackers, and he decided to get the hell out of here. "Will" showed up here at about 7pm. He was wearing all BodyWear clothes (my favourite) - a pseudo military sleeveless shirt that was shiny and tight, and some hot black pants. This guy was out of this world. He too was already hard when I began playing with his crotch, and wanted to get into action immediately.

I tried to slow him down with some wine and dip. Also, he has a huge 9-10" cock - which you probably already know I really like. He was "blown away" by my cocksucking skills, which again, I must thank "BC" for. His body was flawless - smooth, beautiful skin, incredible butt. I think he was really enjoying himself - he decided he wanted me to fuck him with a black dildo. I've never done that to someone before, but his butt was so awesome, and his crack so tantillizing - I did. I teased him with it at first, you know, tickling his butt, then sticking it in so it starts to go in, then I pulled it out. Then I'd stick it in all the way - he loved it when I forcefully stuck it in all the way very hard. Like pressing! Anyway, he spent 3 hours with me, but only charged me for 1.5 hours. And we may have a business deal going, so I'll get to spend more time with him. He's very handsome and oddly enough, my age (38).

I also had another stranger I met online fuck me, suck my cock, and I sucked his in my garage. Oddly enough, our cocks looked identical - we're both the same size and uncut. I felt like I was doing autofellatio. Anyway, it was hot, and he was so into fucking me that he came in my butt (with a condom on, of course). All the time I was worried that the woman who shares my garage might come in.

Anyway, that's all for now.

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

I just finished the most delicious albacore tuna sandwich. It was on sprouted gains and honey health bread, buttered with non-GMO, organic, cold pressed oil margarine, with fresh tomatoes and sprouts. Yum! My dinner. And I made it.

I have a new roommate. The last guy didn't work out. Although he was interesting, he was too interesting. I discovered that he was very moody, opinionated, negative. It started to get to me. He also suffers from SAD, so I can't imagine spending a winter with him in Vancouver in my house. If he was this bad, during two months of non-rain, I can't imagine living with him over the winter during months of cloud. So, we parted ways.

I have a new roommate who's very cool. I have a bit of a crush on him. He's 37 - I thought he was 28. He just came back from Australia where he studied Flash, animation, Adobe Golive and so on, so he's very talented. Originally from Toronto, Canada. He's straight. I realized that I prefer living with straight guys - they're so much easier to get along with than women and gay men!!! Gay men tend to be so "special" or "touchy." The other positive thing about a gay man living with a straight man is that there's no sexual tension - or at least very little, and I'm wise enough to know that nothing will happen between us. So I don't look at him like a sexual object, someone to seduce.

Well... mostly that's true. Unfortunately he is 6'3", blond, blue eyed, gorgeous, sexy, with HUGE feet and hands, a soft blond hairy chest, dreamy eyes, clever, honest, cuddly and Aquarius. And walks around in his shorts and no shirt. And the first thing he does when he gets up in the morning is takes a shower (I love that! I have to have coffee first). And he picked up an Australian accent after living there for four years. And he also spent most of his life travelling and working as a hiking guide in the tourist industry. Plus he's very gay-positive and teases me in a nice way. Plus we have a lot in common, being in similar industries. Plus he seems to be a combination of BC and Les, my two ex-partners. But I hope I'm wise enough to not become infatuated with him. Actually, I'm sure that's not a possibility. It's just nice to be around real guy-energy for a change, instead of that gay guy energy, which isn't as sweet. I'm kind of down on gay guys right now.

So, I'd better go. He rented a movie. We're going to watch it together!

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

My last "conversation"
Here's my email with BC, how we ended our relationship. I know it should be old history, but I'm still recovering from it.Even though I've been fucking with another guy, we don't have the same connection as I had with BC. So this blog is for historical remembrance. I'm back online.

Hi BC:
I don't know if you're checking your email, but just in case.

I want you to know how difficult it has been for me - not contacting you. But I know it's for the best. Some days it's easy. Other moments, during my day, it has been very hard. I guess that's the way grief works. Sometimes I feel light-hearted. Other times I feel like a dagger has been put in my heart. These are hard times I cry, deeply. Grief is an odd experience. It's unpredictable. It simply needs to be experienced head-on, and gotten through.

There's so many memories to process and come to terms with. Many times, you're in my dreams. But always, you're distant, not quite available - even in my dreams. Somehow in my dreams, you're there, I love seeing you, but there's always some distance between you and me. I'm not allowed to touch you, or show you my affection. Although I love seeing you in my dreams, you're never available. Or another way of saying that is you're not committed. So even my dreams tell the truth. It's a strange combination of loving your presence, but never being allowed to be with you.

I remember odd moments. Shaving the hairs on your back and neck . Or perhaps plucking them. Tickling you to sleep - making your goosehairs stand up on end. How you walk around in your underwear. I remember all your underwear - the "tightey-whiteys" and the boxers. Or none at all. Watching you fix your hair in the morning (I loved that). Being upset with me when I lick my hand to push some hairs down. Feeling intimate enough to "pick your pimples," or scratch them away at night before going to bed. You were intimate with me enough to do that to me. And still love me. Even though I have pimples.

Other odd things. How many times you gave me things. Your dishes. I think of you every time I put them away from the dishwasher. Your popcorn popper. I think of you when I make popcorn while watching a movie. Clothing. I can't even remember all the clothing you gave me. You showed me how to change my windshield wipers. How to add fluid to my windshield wipers, add oil to different things and how to inflate my tires. Very practical things that my dad never taught me. I miss these things. About you.

And washing our cars together. I miss the simple things. It's not the trips to Maui, or to bed and breakfasts. I miss the ordinary things. I miss you making coffee for me in the morning, grinding the beans, making me wait to push the plunger. I miss waiting for you to wake up in the mornings. Maybe you understand and maybe you don't. I'm not sure. But these are the things I miss.

Sometimes I wonder how I ruined things between us. I wish I hadn't gotten so busy with work at the beginning. I had weird fears, regarding driving on mountains and rowing in the ocean together. And gotten out of shape and disinterested in sex. Plus drinking too much. I have much to be regretful for. And being too hard on you.

On the other hand, I unfortunately couldn't be any different than I was. And I realize that. It was the way it was. Nevertheless, I miss you so much. I thank you for our time together. It was really important to me. And I hope I can meet someone as terrific as you again. I guess I'll need to meet someone I love as much before being able to be friends with you. That is, if you still want to be friends with me.

I don't know you well enough to know if you're missing me. But in case you are, I thought I'd send this note. I know your missing me is different, but I do believe that I was important to you. I think it's important for me to let you know how important you are to me. And also I do want you to know, that not keeping in touch with you is probably the most loving thing I can do at this time. I'm not proud of the way I was treating you before this. And I want to make sure that I treat you well - the way you deserve.

Thank you BC, for the experience of you.

Well, well, well!

I was wondering when I'd hear from you. I knew I might hear from you sometime since I got your very sweet letter when I last came over to get my stuff beside your garage. I still don't have a computer so I don't check my email very often but I'll always love getting back to you when you message me.

It is so good to hear from you and it sounds like you have been having some difficult moments since memories make it difficult to deal with the feelings they bring. Grieving is an exhausting process, isn't it?
I do know what you're going through right now and I'm so sorry that you must go through the pain of it. I wish it didn't have to be difficult but there really is no other way, is there?

I also understand that you could not have ever been any different than you were during the time that we've known each other. Please try not to blame yourself wondering what you did to ruin things between us. I can say that I've always wished that you could be "easier going" and somewhat less moody or emotionally triggered by things. I also understand that I've had to accept you the way you are and I've always loved and cared for you very much.

Yes - you were important to me and you still are. I do miss you very much also. I'll always want us to be friends. We both know we can't change what has been. We can say that if we did this or did't do that things would be different but there's no use, is there? Perhaps we just aren't meant to be "together" since we are in very different places with regards to what we can or can't live with. That doesn't mean we can't always be close in other ways. We have been very close with each other and I've enjoyed your company and the experience of getting to know you more than I can tell you. You've been a wonderful friend for me and I'd never want that part to change between us.

During one of our last conversations together you said that you worry that there is something wrong with you since your relationships all seem to end in similar ways. In your last email to me you mentioned that I always cared for you even though you have pimples, etc. I want to remind you that one of the first things I admired about you when we first met on the dance floor at Odyssey was your beautiful skin...and your beautiful legs...and I thought you were pretty cute looking, too.
And not to mention you are smart and an interesting guy, too. I quickly felt very close to you and wanted to see you often.

I do understand the importance of you taking all the time you need for yourself right now so please do take your time because I'll always be around. I know that you will meet that wonderful man to share you life with and he's looking for you too.

I know I haven't talked about myself much here but I'll say that there have been very difficult moments for me, too. I was depressed for a while and I also have recurring moments of heavy emotions that make me feel sad. I suppose that this has been different for each of us from our different perspectives.

Take good care of yourself my friend and I will take care of myself, too. We always said that we would during difficult times since we're both very strong. I know we're both sensitive in our own ways, too, and I wouldn't want it any other long as there is a happy ending.

I look forward to being friends always when you're ready, too.

Love your friend, BC. XXX OOO

Happy Valentine's Day BC.
I hope you're having a wonderful day. I'm sure you are, because you know how to take care of your own needs. Your own needs were always primary, so I'm sure that today - it's no different.

I think it's an appropo day to let you know that I am letting you go. Thank you for the time you've given me on my own. It's made me reflect on who I am, what's important to me, and what kind of friends and relationships I want in my life. While there is so much I love about you, ultimately, your values in terms of friendships and relationships are very different from my own. I cannot change who I am. And I don't want to. And obviously I cannot change your own ideas about friendships and relationships. Because you don't want to.

Our connection and love is on a different level, one that will always exist, but in real life, never will harmonize and never be practical. Every time you suggested that we would be friends, I never felt it. My conception of friendship is very different from your own. Intuitively, although we both wanted friendship, I never felt that we would have it. And now I'm telling you, we'll never be friends. To put it specifically and practically, BC, we'll never be in contact again.

I've come to realize that my destructive behaviour with you was partly a result of not being in alignment with my own values. Our values clashed. We didn't connect on these levels at all. While we had similar energies, we are very different people. I've become more of the person I wish to be, in not being in contact with you.

It's time for me to move forward and connect with people who share my values. And I have. These people exist. From the beginning of meeting you, I knew that our values didn't match. There would be problems. Even though you're the most loveliest guy I've ever known - our values don't match. I made the mistake of getting involved with you. Now I've met a few guys who's values match my own, they're not interested in fooling around outside of relationships, and wish to make a deep and true connection with me. That's what I need. I know, it's not what you want.

So, with grief, honour and self-respect, I let you go, Mr. BC. We'll meet again - in another another life. I know we won't meet here, in Vancouver. We've not met since January, and I know we won't meet again, at any time. Somehow, there's a division, that will separate us. I've changed. You've changed. We won't meet again. Until I see you in the afterlife. There - in the afterlife - I will honour our love.

Because I do believe I really loved you. I would have liked to spend my life with you. But you've shown me what I do need, and for that, I thank you. Thank you BC, and good bye.

Saturday, June 21, 2003

Hi. It's already been a week since I last blogged, I see. I've had a very stressful, horrible week. So awful, in fact, I don't want to talk about it. And today, the first day of summer, I'm depressed. I wasn't earlier today (I had a great day) - but then this evening it hit me, an hour before I was supposed to go out with friends. I cancelled.

It was three years ago that I met BC. I met him on the first day of summer three years ago. So this 'anniversary' is making me feel nostalgic, sad, and all that. I've cried a little. Okay, maybe a lot. It was BC that always reminded me that we met the first day of summer - I always forgot. But this year, I'm the one who remembers. A part of me was hoping that he might call, to say "Hey, how's it going, it's our anniversary," but how stupid and romantic is that desire? He didn't call me, of course, and he won't.

I considered leaving him a message. "Hi BC. It's me. Happy summer. Thinking of you. I'm remembering we met three years ago today. I know we can't be friends right now, but just want you to know ... I remember."

I'm thinking, inside, "You've been significant in my life. I thank you. I'm sorry it didn't work out between us. I miss you."

But I won't do it...even though it's romantic. I'm sure he doesn't want me to leave such a message - otherwise he would leave me this kind of message himself. It's only me that's feeling this way. He's off with his new 48-year-old boyfriend who has a muscled body, perhaps they're hiking or staying in watching rented movies, having awesome sex, cuddling, kissing and BC isn't thinking about me one iota. That's closer to the truth. Or perhaps he's off to Saltspring and having sex with the couple we met last summer and he dumped me for. Or maybe he's in Hotsprings Cove having orgies with a bunch of guys. All of this is possible.

So this first day of summer, I'm sad, and I'll stay at home. I'll remember our times together, cry some more, and tomorrow will be a new day. Perhaps tomorrow I'll forget again, my love for BC.

Saturday, June 14, 2003

Sweet Surrender

I spent the day on one of the tiny scattered islands off the coast, beside the Sea-to-Sky Highway which leads to Whistler. There are hundreds of them, some uninhabited, like the one I was on. It was already dark, raining but still warm, when she and I left the beach and got onto our raft to drift back home to Vancouver.

She is beautiful, slim and athletic, with long dark brown hair and deep, expressive eyes. She is polished looking. I feel very close to her. The full moon shines between drifting, moody clouds, casting a glint onto the gentle waves of the stream which lead south. At one point we lay down, next to each other, talking, looking at each other. She leans into me, and I into her, and we begin kissing. I'm drawn into the romantic, caring and heartfelt passion I feel from her, and that I feel for her. It feels so awesome and natural. We kiss for what seems like timeless ages. I see the moistness in her eyes as she looks at me, look at her olive beautiful skin and lean in for more.

I bolt awake! What the f*ck? I look at the clock and it's 3 am. Why am I dreaming of kissing romantically with a woman? A woman I don't even know, but even more - I'm gay, right? I'm so upset I throw myself out of bed, down the stairs, and sit outside on the step trying to recover. I go over the dream in my head... I admit it was incredibly sexy, intimate and lovely. See - I am gay. Straight men don't use the word "lovely," unless they're from England and at least 35 years old.

I calm down enough to go back to sleep. In the morning, I ask my new GAY roommate if he ever has dreams about having sex or romance with a woman. He said, "No." And looked at me like, "Where are you going with this, girlfriend?"

So far, no gay man has e-mailed me to tell me that they have, on occasion, these very queer heterosexual dreams. So am I turning straight or something? Have I given up on men? Gay men don't turn straight - I've never heard about it, read about it, except from those false rumours from Christian brainwashing guilt-trip therapies. My best woman friend was a lesbian when I met her - now she is a committed heterosexual. But that doesn't happen to gay men. I really don't need sexual identity anxiety right now, to add to all my other anxieties, thank you Universe.

Actually, it would be hilarious if I was straight, because I doubt any straight female would ever think I was hetero. I'm too pretty. So it wouldn't be any better for me than dating gay men. I still wouldn't 'get lucky.' By getting lucky, I don't mean sex... I can get that from men. But you know...

Anyway, this is all hypothetical because the last thing I want to do confronted by the big "V." It might swallow me whole.

Thursday, June 12, 2003

Soul Mates

I think it's time for some spiritual uplifting...another article from a less cynical and catty side of moi.

Soul relationships
From the moment your eyes meet, you feel as though you have known one another for eternity. As you get to know each other, you discover that you share the same beliefs, values and dreams. You know what the other is thinking and finish each other's sentences. When you make love, you have never experienced such erotic abandon and profound intimacy. You friends notice that not only are you alike, but you even look similar. Your common goals allow you to work harmoniously together, and your purpose is being fulfilled. Year after year, you feel even more passionately in love. People enjoy being around you, because you emanate the peace, joy and love of heaven. You believed in soul mates before you met, but nothing had prepared you for the ecstasy of this experience.

Nearly all of us, at some point, long for a relationship that transcends our usual experiences of them. A partnership based on harmony and unconditional love. A lover who mirrors our best attributes and magnifies them by their very presence. But do soul mates exist and if so, how do we meet him or her? In order to answer this, we must understand what a soul mate is by looking to myths about the creation of the universe. Myths help us to understand soul mates by telling a story about from where they originated.

The creation of companionship
In the beginning, before the first creative impulse, all was One. This Oneness — known as the Creator — in great love and curiosity desired to explore and know itself. But there was nothing to compare itself to. So the Creator created companionship by dividing itself into individual pieces of consciousness. These pieces of consciousness each had their own unique characteristics and purposes, and they further separated into many more individuated souls. Souls that are related are the original families to which we all belong. Each soul has a family function and an individual purpose. The more closely related we are, the more we share similar beliefs, values and dreams. Each soul is on a mission to explore its individuality. Though we were individual, we still felt as One, and were conscious of each other as a whole. So the Creator in its great wisdom manifested a physical reality, in which each soul would be placed into a body.

The Creator gave our body certain limitations so we wouldn't be able to fully remember who we are. The conditions were so perfectly conceived that when our soul was contained in a body, the density of physical reality created the experience of aloneness. We believed ourself to be separate from all that is. Dualism was born because 'separation' suggests a self and an other. We then experienced the illusion of self and other, male and female, good and evil, life and death, when the truth is we are all still One.

The Creator wanted to make sure we would, one day, remember who we are. In order to assist, the Creator produced karma — the law that every action causes an equal reaction. So whenever our actions came from the belief that we are separate, karma ensures that we have the opportunity to discover that we are not. Until we remember our unity and wholeness we ride the wheel of karma. The gift of karma allows us — as an individuated piece of the Creator — limitless opportunities to return to Oneness.

In one aspect then we are all soul mates. Related soul families tend to incarnate together at the same time, in order to help one another explore themselves and grow spiritually. So while we often do not remember each other from lifetime to lifetime, nearly everyone around us is related to our soul family, as distant as a great-great grandparent, or as close as a brother or sister, metaphorically speaking.

Our current mother and father, brothers and sisters, cousins and grandparents are usually from closely related soul families. We help one another learn lessons by playing different roles with one another through different lives. Depending on our past life experiences with one another, our relationships run the spectrum from highly conflicted to unconditionally loving and supportive. Karma involves both harmonious and discordant relationships. The more intense your reaction to another person, positive or negative, the more likely you are soul mates, have known one another through countless past lives, and have lessons to learn from one another.

Soul Mate Friendships and Romantic Partners
Usually when we think of soul mates, we think of friendships and romantic partners. These relationships help one another grow. It is a special meeting that will most likely alter your life. There are at least seven kinds of soul mates, each recognizable by the quality of relationship we have with them. Reflect upon your own relationships while reading these.

Divine complements
These people are the exact opposite of you. They reflect shadow qualities you have denied expression in yourself. They are usually acquaintances, co-workers or friends, and less often lovers. They come in and out of your life, staying for a while, then leaving, and sometimes coming back again. Your divine complements exist to help you integrate aspects of your psyche that you have disowned. You are also their divine complement. Usually you grow at different rates and in different directions and go your separate ways, though divine complements may stick around for a lifetime. You feel challenged emotionally by these people and it is not a comfortable relationship. You feel that you have little in common with them.

Immortal friendships
There is no beginning or end to these friendships. It is difficult to remember when you met (usually in childhood), and there is no fear of losing him or her. Even if your friend moves or dies, there is little sense of loss because you always feel their presence in your life. Even if you haven't seen each other for twenty years, you begin where you left off, as if no time had passed. You share unconditional love. You are neither exactly the same nor the opposite, but you tend to go through similar lessons at the same time, help each other, and share common interests and talents. Conflicts are extremely rare, and when they occur are easily resolved and forgotten. Immortal friendships are our soul's way of reminding us that we are never alone and always loved. These friendships make us feel safe, supported and immortal. They also hold the secret to what a romantic relationship is meant to be. If you ever wonder if your partner is the soul mate that's best for you, compare it to your immortal friendship, and you have your answer.

Karmic relationships
The most common of soul mate relationships, karmic relationships may be challenging or supportive experiences. They exist to fulfill karma from past lives. When we meet a karmic partner, we are drawn to him or her with a magnetic intensity. These people feel familiar, and we become involved with them very quickly. In the initial stages of the friendship or intimate relationship, much time is spent together getting to know one another.

Supportive karmic relationships
If the karma is to repay kindness, these people help us to move forward to fulfill our life purpose. They are often family members (who feel like friends), friends of the family or personal friends, teachers, co-workers, or even people with whom we have vacation romances. Sometimes, if we are fortunate, they are romantic partners. They come into our life, for brief periods or for life, to support and remind us that we are special and lovable. They offer their love with few conditions. The relationship is characterized by its ease, and engenders good feelings for both people.

Challenging karmic relationships
These relationships help us to identify our false core beliefs, by triggering the worst in us. While we may initially feel strong feelings of love, it is highly conditional. Eventually someone does something to provoke intense feelings of anger, jealousy, envy, rejection, abandonment and betrayal in the other. Usually our lessons are learned after the relationship has ended, when we recover from it. These relationships mirror core beliefs about what we believe we are worthy of receiving. Our lessons are to forgive, grow in compassion and love, for both self and other, and heal false core beliefs.

Twin mates
Sharing a connection of a like-minded service, twin mates have common purposes within the world. Rarely romantic partners, or even close friends, twin mates come together to work harmoniously to accomplish a project. Each has skills that assist the other in finishing the task successfully. Unlike other soul relationships, the main purpose of twin mate relationships is not helping one another to grow emotionally. Instead they serve the greater good of a society or culture. The relationship lasts as long as is necessary to complete the project.

Divine companions
Always a romantic relationship, divine companions provoke the greatest joy and the deepest grief. Often mistaken for a twin flame, we believe divine companions to be "the one." The connection creates strong feelings of physical attraction, profound intimacy and joy. Moments of magic occur between the two people, and identification with one another can be so strong, that you feel as if you are the other person.

But there is still karma left to work out in these relationships. At some point, conflict enters the picture, and each tries his or her hardest to resolve the conflict in order to keep the relationship going. Very rarely does the conflict get resolved. If resolution occurs, then this person may become your life partner, and bring great joy and fulfillment. But whether the relationship ends or not, your understanding of life is turned inside out. Your most cherished and deeply ingrained core beliefs about who you are, your purpose in life and the way the universe works are demolished. Intense grief and periods of depression are experienced. These are periods of clearing beliefs that no longer serve us, so we can build new beliefs from the ground up — ones that are closer to the truth. Through experiencing profound loss, divine companions increase our capacity to love by opening our hearts and strengthening our psychological foundation. Divine companions may even prepare us for meeting our twin flame.

Twin flames
Twin flame relationships are the inspiration for our deepest romantic desires and longings. It is our soul's knowledge of their existence that makes us strive to be unconditionally loving. Twin flame relationships, though becoming more common in the new energy, are exceptionally rare. They only occur when we are spiritually, psychologically and emotionally ready for them. There is no karma between the two individuals. These relationships exemplify unconditional love, harmony and cooperation.

It is said that the twin flame is the other half of our soul. While we have many soul mates, we only have one twin flame. He or she shares identical beliefs, values and dreams. Because he or she is your counterpart, in order to have a relationship with your twin flame, you must have an unconditionally loving relationship with yourself. You must experience and know your wholeness. You do not long for another person to complete you, and you are not even looking for love. You have discovered that you are the source of love. You live in harmony with your Higher Self. You are following your passion and fulfilling your life purpose.

When twin flames meet, there is fire. Ecstasy is a daily experience. Your combined energies are magnified, and the divine love of the Creator flows through you into the world. Your meeting serves the world because you model for others a loving relationship. You work together, combining your similar talents and purposes, and bless the world with eternal gifts.

According to Patricia Joudry and Maurie D. Pressman, M.D., in their book Twin Flames: Eternal Masculine and Eternal Feminine, famous twin flame relationships include scientists Marie and Pierre Curie, who received a Nobel prize for their contribution to understanding radioactivity, and poets Elizabeth Barret and Robert Browning for their poetic legacies.

Biographies written about the Curies and the Barret-Brownings note their exceptional and flawless marriages. The Curie's youngest daughter Eve, writes, "The two souls, like the two brains, were of equal quality. They formed one of the finest bonds that ever united man and woman. Two hearts beat together, two bodies were united, and two minds of genius learned to think together."

Perhaps no other poem in English history expresses the twin flame relationship better than the immortal sonnet of Elizabeth Barret Browning to John Browning, " How do I love thee?"

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the end of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, — I love thee with the breadth,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! — and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Each twin flame must have developed, in equal amounts the male and female energies of their personalities. Twin flames, like all soul mate relationships, can be of both or different genders. The inner balances of male and female energies have nothing to do with gender. Karen, a reader of my work who corresponded with me, met her twin flame in her forties. To her surprise, her twin flame happened to be female. Though both had lived their lives as heterosexual women, their divine connection effortlessly transcended gender and sexuality.

Twin flames do not interfere in the relationships of others. If you are married when you meet your twin flame, neither individual does anything to lose the trust of the marriage partner. A famous example of this conundrum includes twin flames John Stuart Mill and Harriet Taylor, who met in the late 1820s. John Stuart Mill, reknown for shaping the foundations of modern political science, met Harriet Taylor when she was married to John Taylor. Their meeting created all the signs and symptoms of a twin flame reunion, and each brought one another to greater heights of joy and creativity. Twin flames must have enlightened ethics before a meeting is possible; therefore Harriet candidly confronted her husband with her feelings for Mill. When John demanded that Harriet abandon her relationship with Mill, Harriet complied. But John saw how unhappy this made his wife, and he learned to accept Mill's role as her lifelong platonic lover and friend.

It is important not to compare your relationships against the ideal of the twin flame, and find it lacking. Love by any name is just as sweet. Humans tend to like to categorize things - relationships included. The purpose of categorizing soul mate relationships is to understand them better and to help us to learn the lessons each has for us. If you wish to meet your twin flame, begin by cherishing the love you have now in your life.

Given statistics and the law of averages, not everyone has a twin flame similar in age who is available. Meeting and having a relationship with our twin flame is highly unlikely in our life. But don’t be disheartened. It is said that your twin flame is not merely of flesh and blood. He or she is a spiritual counterpart who, at the soul level, is never separate from you. The energy vibrational signature of your twin flame is available on a spiritual level and the meeting in the realm of the imagination has equally splendid results as meeting in 'real' life.

The longing for a soul mate is, at its core, a desire to connect with one's own soul and return to the state of Oneness. If we develop a truly passionate, caring and unconditionally loving relationship with soul, then our need for a relationship with someone else vanishes. Each soul mate relationship challenges us to partner with ourselves and grow in self-love. Paradoxically, it is when we no longer yearn for a special and harmonious relationship that we have best odds of attracting our twin flame..

How do you attract a loving soul mate relationship?

1. Become your own soul mate. Develop an unconditionally loving relationship with your inner self.
2. Recognize the soul in others.
3. Cherish the love that exists in your life now.
4. Learn from all your relationships - develop compassion, let go of guilt and self-blame, and allow only love to remain.
5. Honor your soul by acting on your dreams and fulfilling your life's passion.
6. Surrender the fears and inner core beliefs that you are unworthy of love.
7. Take responsibility for your emotional triggers, uncover their origin and allow hurt to heal

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

Don't you just love the "edit" function on your blogger? I do. When you re-read your blog the next day, and you realize it went too far, then you can just edit history. It's wonderful.

Since my own life is so boring, I thought I'd write about CoolRelax's life. He's spinning the most iconic story about how an innocent gay man becomes a slut. Sure, I was as sweet and innocent as CoolRelax when I first came out. I too fell in love with a charismatic, hot-bodied gay boy more experienced than me. He played the same games with me - I want you, I want him, I want you, I want you because I can't have you, I want you because I've convinced you I can have you and need you, you're unavailable, I'm going to make you obssess about me, we'll get together again and have more hot sex, then I'll fool around with someone else again, and you're too innocent to object, and you'll try very hard to have an open sexual relationship because I've got you wrapped around my pinky, or perhaps enormous dick, or amazing pecs, or flirty personality. I've been there and done that and become a lesser person as a result. Don't fall into that trap. It's hard to regain your innocence.

What happens is you turn into every other gay man... You accept the fact that men can't have monogamous relationships, you think you're too tight-minded as a gay male to think that open relationships are good, and with in-between guys you "cruise-out" to have casual sex, you give up your original dreams in terms of relationships, you become sarcastic and ironic, and you end up being single and disappointed at 38 years of age. The age when you thought you'd be happily married, with a house, a career and a dog. Or, you become the slut, marry a slut and have a great life. Because you're sluts, have no abandonment issues, you have sex with other hot guys, and your life is happy. But there are some men on this earth, who are gay, who cannot find happiness in this arena.

So is it only the sluts who find happiness? If CoolRelax blogs long enough, maybe we'll find out. But I'll bet $100 that DJ won't be non-monogamous.

On another mode - once I called BCAA they discovered my car only needed a battery recharging. So my car is fine. But the rest of my life needs other help I guess.

Tuesday, June 10, 2003

I can't believe I haven't blogged in nearly 7 days. Maybe there was some software error? I think I've lost my focus.

I began blogging - writing journal entries - for readers, rather than my mental health. I began to care about "hits" rather than just doing my journal for myself. Since I get practically no reader feedback (e-mails) I thought no one cares about me. So why should I bother making entries? That was my thought-process.

Well, I'm here, I'm back, and my life is boring. No, RA has not called me for the movie. No, I'm not stalking the beaches in my blue yellow thing. No, I'm not having crazy awesome sex. No, I'm not doing anything of interest. I'm really boring right now.

Actually, everything's been going wrong - I spilled liquid on my laptop so it's dead, I just went to start my car and it won't turn over, and a cheque I've been waiting for was put off a week, and I think my rent check bounced. I got a major sunburn on Friday so I had to cancel my date with RA, I was supposed to call him on Monday to arrange something for Tuesday and didn't, I missed going to a major birthday celebration for a close friend on Monday, and my room is a mess.

Well, life can only get better at least.

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

Virgo is in my anus

After I posted my blog below, RA called me less than an hour later. He said, "I bet you wondered if you'd ever hear from me again." I went to the beach, then called him later this evening and left a message.

Then RA called me - I guess he had a bad weekend - he didn't get my message until Sunday evening because he didn't bring his cell phone with him or my phone number, and his car broke down on the way to his parent's home outside of Vancouver. Then he arrived at work on Monday morning to discover it was inventory, and so on. We had an interesting and fun talk. We're getting together on Saturday night for a movie.

One nice thing about getting older is that I really don't obsess or care if a date calls me back immediately. I have learned to trust my gut instincts - I felt that RA liked me, and it didn't make sense to me that he didn't call, unless he had some major crisis. So really, I thought there was some explanation. Also, I'm not one of those guys that needs to talk to a romantic interest every day, or every twice a day or whatever. I've got my own life to live, thank you. Also, I can't say that I'm extremely hot over him, so that probably helps.

I read my monthly horoscope today... it is pretty cool. ( First of all, the astrological signs are in my favour for losing weight! Believe it or not, and getting into shape. Secondly, I'm going to make a lot of money and travel lots this year, Thirdly:

Your attitude about a close committed relationship will become much more serious, realistic and mature. Single Capricorns won't likely enter into a relationship if they sense the other person isn't coming from the same place when it comes to marriage and home life.

I definitely feel this is true. At the end of the day, don't we want a partner who is committed, who will take care of us in old age, in our infirmities, in sickness and in health? Rather than someone we can't wait to suck and fuck for hours at a time, who puts us on edge, makes us feel lustful? I'm getting more realistic I think. But I also wonder...would I be able to be monogamous with a trustworthy guy who doesn't make me scream for more? But then, maybe sex isn't that important? Maybe I'd rather respect him and share a close friendship with him. Someone, that sounds better to me at the moment. Perhaps it's because Virgo is in my anus, I mean Uranus.

Since damaging my laptop, I've had a hard time trying to blog. I don't want my roommate to walk past and see me on my desktop typing away and get curious.

I left a message to RA last Friday (my recent Match), hoping we could get together on the weekend, but he hasn't called me back. This is a major surprise. We had an amazing time together, talking for 2.5 hours. It even seemed like he didn't want to end our date, and when I suggested getting together again, he even told me his availability for the next weekend. He appeared to really enjoy himself so this is quite mysterious. I'm supposed to call the Matchmaker and report about the date, so maybe the Matchmaker knows what's going on - I left a message with him to call me. If RA's not interested, then I wish he would have been more honest to me at the end of the date, but I guess most guys aren't comfortable enough to be straight forward. Or maybe he thought about the date afterward and decided he didn't like something about me.

The weather in Vancouver this week is incredible. No clouds and warm - it's even supposed to go up to 29 degrees celsius by Friday. I'm going to go to the beach this afternoon and soak up some rays.

I've been talking with friends and my family on the phone for hours these last few nights. I don't usually like long telephone conversations, but I've been enjoying them lately. It's great to reconnect with all my friends from out of province.

I blew my Atkin's diet this weekend. I had a major craving for spaghetti, then penne pasta and pizza which I gorged on all weekend - even into Monday and Tuesday. I did this before when I tried the Atkin's Diet. I tried staying on it for two weeks, then suddenly I have a major carbohydrate craving and can't resist. I'll go back to eating healthy, small portions, lots of veggies and eat whole grain pasta if I need to satisfy my pasta cravings. This is seems to work best for me. My friends don't even understand why I'm on a diet, but have you noticed there are different body standards for gay men and straight men?

I love summer - it's so nice to see flesh again, after being covered up all winter. There's a hot straight guy who visits his girlfriend at lunch and after work in the condo across the alley from me. They sit on their balcony smoking. He drives up in his camaro, then I see him shirtless sitting in the sun on the balcony. He's really tall, got a nice body with a furry chest - his fur is located only on his upper pecks. She sits in her bikini, drinking water, brushing her hair regularly, just oozing sexuality while they talk together. It's great eye-candy.

Truthfully, I'm not into casual sex right now, and haven't been for over a month. I'm going through a purification process. I'm getting ready to meet someone meaningful. I can't even remember what sex feels good it is. But that's okay, because when it happens it will be terrific. I do, afterall, need to completely forget what it feels like to have sex with BC - he is a sexual master, and it's his hobby and passion in life to be a good lover. He taught me techniques I didn't even know about. So if I'm ever to move on, I'll need to forget him and our sexual interactions.

Sunday, June 01, 2003

The Ultimate 'Fuck-You' Blog

This comes from a five-year-old journal entry....

"Dear Stone Angel:
Fuck you for treating me the way you did. Fuck you for treating me the way you do now. Fuck you for your inability to see my amazing beauty and power. Fuck you for failing to see the depth of my confidence. Fuck you for not appreciating the love, feeling and nurturing that I gave you. Fuck you for not appreciating how I stuck through the most shittiest times with you, and you don't care. Fuck you for not seeing I'm the fucking best thing that ever happened to you. Fuck you for not returning the love I have given you. Fuck you for denying my feelings, and emotions. Fuck you for denying my courage. Fuck you for not appreciating me. Fuck you for not appreciating all the work I have done in trying to connect with you. You are frigid, cold and your heart is not open. Fuck you for not appreciating my body. Fuck you for not appreciating my sexuality. Fuck you for not wanting me to lick your butt. Fuck you for not wanting to talk to me. Fuck you for not wanting to have sex in the mornings. Fuck you for not letting me kiss you and grab your crotch in the elevator, in the car. Fuck you for ignoring me. Fuck you for not calling me. Fuck you for not sharing yourself with me. Fuck you for not appreciating my support. Fuck you for not appreciating my intelligence. Fuck you for not appreciating my knowledge. Fuck you for never having given me the credit for how much I have taught you and given to you. Fuck you. You deserve yourself.

Fuck you for not being affectionate. Fuck you for not being able to tell me that I am gorgeous, handsome, sexy. Fuck you for not flirting with me. Fuck you for blaming me for your fucking problems. Fuck you for saying the "right" things. Fuck you for your dishonesty. Fuck you for fucking shutting off from me your sexuality. Fuck you. Fuck you for not letting me fuck you. Fuck you when you fucking think that a compliment is saying, "Your hair looks red." Fuck you for not doing your work with me. Fuck you for not introducing me to your friends. Fuck you for being gorgeous and not letting anyone touch you. Fuck you for wanting someone else. Fuck you for your superior attitude - that you are better than me.

Fuck you for saying you love me, giving me a ring, and then not letting me be a part of your decisions in where to buy a condo. Fuck you for always putting yourself first. Fuck you for wanting to do everything alone. Fuck you for not having courage.

Fuck you for forgetting my birthday. Fuck you for never having fun with me. Fuck you for not being romantic. Fuck you for all your fears. Fuck you for expecting so much and returning so little. Fuck you for your duty and honour. Fuck you for your selfishness.

What an idiot I've been to fall for someone so cold. It's simply because you remind me of my father. I would never have been with you if my father had been nurturing, open, feeling, connecting. I would never subject myself to someone so cold and frigid, so denying of my self. I would never have put up with it for a moment. I should have taken care of myself when I first met you and saw that something was very wrong with you. I shouldn't have gone out with you. I've wasted so much of my life with you over the past few years. It's been pure hell, painful, and ugly.

Fuck you for making me love you."
The Dead-Sea Scrolls

I've unearthed some old digital diaries. It's so weird reading them - I don't remember half of what I'm writing about. I write about guys I went on dates with, and honestly cannot remember them at all. I also write about issues that I'm still dealing with - how disappointing is that? Here's one, from five years ago: (warning - it's pure crap)

"Dear Dad:
I never felt connected to you. Not emotionally, physically or spiritually. You were always distant and seemed to be doing things out of duty, not love and emotion. You were emotionally unavailable to me. I tried so hard as a child to connect with you, but your feelings and energy never reached me, into my inner core. I cannot remember you holding me and telling me how much you loved me and feeling it. I cannot remember you ever looking at me with admiration and appreciation. I remember you always saying kind and nice things. You said what was right, not what you felt. I remember you answering my questions. In order to get your approval I would push you, try triggering you, in order to get an honest emotive response from you. You would get angry, a huge intense anger. The energy would well up and fill up a room and make all of us scared. But I never felt any other emotion from you that had the same kind of intensity and power. Not love. Not joy. Not laughter. It was all kind of smoothed over, like you were on anti-depressants. You were always zoned out, not present. You existed in your mind, not in the world, not in your feelings. There was always a block, a wall that existed between your feelings and your expressions of them, and they never reached me.
I tried everything I could think of to win your approval. I became good at gymnastics, but it didn't impress you because it wasn't hockey. I never heard you say with true enthusiasm how proud you were of me. I was a very good gymnast. I tried to be good at music, singing, school, art. But I could never achieve your admiration. Love. You could always do things better. You were always right. Immovable, like a lead boulder. Whatever I had to say or offer was dismissed as being childish, emotional, uninteresting or stupid.

You were boringly consistent. Day in and day out. More a machine it seemed than a human being.

You were competitive with me. You were unable to love and appreciate who I am. A beautifully expressive, creative, artistic being with great wisdom.

How sad that I could not run to you, my dad, and tell him the abuse and pain I was going through as a child in school. From being gay. How much I hated myself for being gay because of the Christian church. I could not run to you, tell you how I felt, because you would have rejected me. I wish I could have run to you, to have you pick me up, put me on your lap and hug me. I wish I could feel your love. You could have said wonderful things to me like, "You were the son I always wanted. You are smart, talented and funny. You make me laugh. I love your enthusiasm, your feeling nature. I wish I could have been more like you." But instead you never thought these things about me. You believed I was very average. You believed I was too emotional. I felt that you didn't want a son like me. I was an embarrassment.

I feel like I never had a father. I had an authority figure who didn't approve of me. A father who inadvertently but powerfully blocked my creativity. My Godliness.

I tried to be a very good child at times. Behave like a good Christian boy. I felt more love from you then, but it was so subtle it wasn't worth denying myself. I memorized bible verses, listened to your sermons, went to Sunday school, sang in the choir, went to Luther league, taught Sunday school, went to catechism, tried to understand all the crap I read in Christianity. But this wasn't good enough for you. You approved of my attempts, but you also knew I was only faking it. There was something missing from it all for me. What was missing for me was Truth.

I kept trying to get at the truth as a child. I was very intuitive. To a degree you showed true interest in my talking about psychic abilities, magic, and ufos. Obviously there is a chord in you that responds to this magic in the universe. But your monster called "judgmental Christianity," controlled the exploration of these things. You couldn't meet me. It could have been a place that we connected, honestly, intimately and shared the beauty of the universe. Instead you offered bread and wine. Whatever that is, whatever that means. It had no meaning for me. For most of my life I have feared exploring this truth in the world.

Having tried so hard to win your love and approval, having tried so many ways and never getting it, I am exhausted, despairing and hopeless. I have given up on trying, I have given up on who I am. I don't feel safe around men now. I don't believe they could ever love and accept me for who I am. I play all the same games with men that I play with you, in order to win their approval. I even become romantically involved with men who mirror all your qualities for me, down to the last item. I have tried to win their love, gain their approval, have them love me for who I am. I have tried to get them to express their feelings truthfully. What I really wanted to hear from them is "Thank you for the great gift you have given me. You have made me realize the beauty and spirituality of feelings. You have made me understand how feelings allow me to connection in a deep level with others." I haven't heard this from them.

All the men whom I have loved have rejected me. None of them want to be with me for the rest of my life. None of them is able to offer me the love, support, encouragement, affection and authentic feelings that I crave from another man. None of them have offered me the truth and nurturing love of my beautiful mother, in whom you also denied her Godliness.

I realize this has been my main purpose in life. To seek the approval of another man, to achieve with a man what I couldn't achieve with you. Most of my energies have been directed in this manner. And I keep failing miserably."

Don't you think it's time for me to "give it up?" My dear old dad doesn't deserve such crap. Wait till I copy and paste the tirade called "Fuck you" for the Stone Angel...
Reading other people's diaries

"What could be better than reading other people's diaries?" I say to friends, when I tell them about blogging. I want to read your secrets. I want to see beyond the mask you present to the world. I admit, I've sneaked into other people's diaries in my past. But I also learned not to do this, without permission.

Sure, I read my sisters' diaries. They were always red, with a tiny key that I found underneath their mattress. I got to know them as real human beings, as a result. Did it change my opinion of them? Yes. It made me love them more.

Reading other people's diaries told me what they really thought of me. They're too 'chicken shit' to tell me to my face, so instead, they write it in their diary. They're too lame to act on their opinion: instead, they write it in their journal, then speak pleasantly to my face.

I have to admit: I broke into an ex-lover's journal, without his permission. This is how I learned NEVER to read a diary, without permission. I don't want to hear your shit about me. I'll end up hating you. I guess we all need to vent, and a diary is a good place to do that. So venting isn't the truth - it's a side of us. But what I did was...

I did a google search for breaking passwords. I found a program that would help me to break the password on his computer, to which I could not get access to his MS Word diaries. The program told me his password was 11 characters, and nothing more. I wandered around wondering what his password is. Then it came to me...his password. Out of the blue. It was like I was psychic or something. The password hit me on the side of my head and said, "Hello...this is the password. Are you deaf or something?"

So I typed in the 11 character word and got access to his innermost thoughts about me and himself. I'll never do that again. I don't want to hear your innermost thoughts, thank you.

Let me share one of his journal entries with you, anonymous readers. I've kept these "old files" just for the opportunity this gives me:

From the Stone Angel:
"It seems that Intertextual is pulling away because of how he feels. There is othing that I can do about this but I feel like if I am honest in how I am feeling then he pulls away, so I am being punished for being honest. There is nothing I can do about it. I wantt o be friends with him and nothing mre. If he has feelings for me then he needs to dealw ith them andit sems that he can’t be friends only. That is sad. But thereis nothng that I can do about it. I was and am feeling slightly responsible but I am not. I need to be true tomyself and that it is that. if it is toomuch for him, then he needs to consider whether he wants this friendship to continueor not. I thinkhe does but at the same time he is finding it toomuch. I don’t know but then I should be worried about me and not him. That is the weakness that I have. I am always worried abut what other people say or think or feel./ while that is good, it is too overwhelming at times. I can and should onlybe considering how I am feeling about something. I think rather than filtering my angry right now I should justput it out and see what happens. Swearing and stuff might make me feel better, it may not be directed at anyone but at the same time it may feel great to get it out so here goes. Fuck I hate this fucking feeling. Ia m fucking pissed off and pissed opff at people. Why the fuck should I have to worry about them and the fucking compnay. Why the fuck do I get stuck doing things when the other fuckers don’t. this is not fucking fair. Fucking L. is taking more time off thani have so fuck her. I am fucking taking some time off tomake up for the time that she has. Fuck this. And fuck Intertextual. If he is too fuckingimmature to deal with this in a fucking mature mannenr then fuck him. Fuck fuck fuck. Thatis all I have to say. Thisis feeling good. Fuck that. fuck, I meanhe thinks we are so perfect and we aren’t. fuck that. I put up with his fucking boundary isue and fucking times he tries to cross it I push him back and this bother shim. He is not that great with boundaries. Wheni fucking try to draw them, he pushes back and attacks. Fuck him that is his issue, not mine. Fuck this why the fuck do I have to suffer because of hislack of boundaries. Fuck that. I know what the fuck he is doing and it is the sameold thing with that asshole. When he doesn’t get his way, the other person is punished. Andi am being punished for not being what he wants. For setting up boundaires, he is feeling rejected, andin so doing he is ounishing me but withdrawing. Well fuck him. If he can’t del with it and if he sees it as rejection then that is something that he should be jounralling about. this is so fucking stupid. He says that he is so together and at the same fcking time he has issues that needs to dealw ith and he doesn’t. this is not fucking fair to me. I mean when he was goingon his date, I tried to be supportiveof him but at the same time when it came time for me, he wasn;t andisn;t supportive. Fuck that! is that fair? I think fucking not! Thatis something that he should realize and recognize and workon. Will he? I donlt know. he spouts off about being so in touch and connected to his feelings but does he realize whathe does with them. He is still dealing with withdrawl and punishment. I meaen thisis something that I do but I am dealing with it., I try not to withdraw at all and not interpret it as rejection. I am being pounished ofr beinghonest. It kills me that he wants to know honestly and all of that and yet at the same time when you are, he punishes you byt actinglike he is acting. It begs the question, how honest should I be? Fuck I hate that. you know some times trying to discuss things rationally doesn’t help. This expression of emtotion is great at this point.t his is exactly what I need to do and say. Fuck I am angry at people. But that is ok. Angry is a good thing and can be. It is allowingme to realize how I am feeling and maybe why as well. it is showing me how to draw up the boundaries that I want and how to go abut enforcing them. So there that feels much better. the anger iss till there somewhat buit less so and that was the goal. To identify the anger and deal with it. yesterday I was talking about loiving myself more and first and by expressing howi am feeling I allowed myself to feel. And by feelingi am loving myself. I should not feel bad for how other people feel unless it was intentionally done to hurt them and this isn’t the case. He is feeling the way he is feeling and it has nothing to do with anything that I have done. It shows me that I am progressed and while I find that he may be a hypocrite. Maybe not intentionally but one all the same. He needs to see how he is reating and maybe I can try and do this but I know he will react to it. the best thingis to be honest with myself here and let it go. If he has a reaction then he an deal with it. I am not the ne responsible for his feelings. If he can’t then I guess we will have to visit the question at that time. I want to be friends and only friends. He wants more and can t beonly friends, and so I am then puiished for this. Is this fair? I don’t think so. And that is what pisses me off. He wants honesty and when I am honest he then recoils and fights back y being punititve. This is not fair. He has done many things to me andi havenot punished hi the way that he is punishing me. I should I guess. But I don’t want to. Il ike his friendship and vlue it but then in loving myself, it begs the question, is this someone I want in mylifwe who continually punishes me for things that I do in my life if it hurts him? I need to consider that. a friend is one who is there for you and I don’t get that feeling from him. His friendship is conditonal and what kind of friendship is that. not a healthy one that is for sure. anyway while I amprocessing this I amlearning that I amlovingmyself by processing it and dealing with how I am feeling about it. while I still have alittle anger inside it is almost gone now but tstill I am angry that I haveto process this at all. Fuck hm and fuck his bullshit aboutbeing open and honest. He is being mean, that is what it is and nah nah nah, I think calvin and hobbs have it right in how they react to that. I deserve better than that! way more so if he continues doing this then I wll need to consider not being friends withhim. This is so silly and the thing is this is whyi don’t want to bew ith him because everything, still, is cnditonal withhim. Iknow that he wanting to take me out for dinner is goingto be cnditonal and that is why I have a hard time accepting and being able to enjoy it. I cow how he is goingto react. At the emotional level he is goingto think that "well look at what I amd ong I am such anice guy and he didn’t do this for me and I\t will come up. I know that. I can feel it that is why I would rather not do it but thenif I don’t then he will react again and interpret it as rejection. I wish he would work on this but he hasn’t. not yet. At least I am dealing with it or tryingto. But I guess all of this is a senseof rejection on my part. He is rejectingme because I am putting him off with his advances. Iw ish he could get it together so that we could be friends and soon too. In the mean time I guess this is what I have to dealw ith. And I amlearning more and more about me in the process. but I would like to concentrate for awhile on hopw tol ive myself better and better. by doing this I know thati am learning how to love me more and more but at the same time I am learning that I have anger and that anger is ok. This has been good for me. while it is a pain at the same timeit is a learning process ofrme. And that is cool. Ok now back to loving me,. by allowing myself to exp[ress how I am feeling with out editing what I want to say has been great. thatis a way to lvoe myself more."

So that's a little dose of why I will NEVER read someone's diary again, without his or her permission. I also want to say, "Fuck you, Stone Angel." That's all.

Almost. By the way, Stone Angel ended up meeting his perfect love, and is together with him to this day. Isn't life fair?

Friday, May 30, 2003

Oops. I just spilled coffee on the keyboard of my laptop. My laptop doesn't work any more. Has anyone done this before? When it dries, does your laptop work again? Maybe I'd better buy that G4 laptop sooner, than later? : (

Thursday, May 29, 2003

Expand beyond nine to five

I have a confession to make. I don't like working eight hour days. Maybe it comes from being a student for 10 years. As a student, I set my own hours, decided what class to attend and when to study. Whatever the reason, I absolutely cannot and refuse to work eight hour days for a company.

I tried to do it - get a full time job. I had finished graduate school and found a full time job. I was there eight hours per day. I thought it was time to grow up and get a real job. I felt imprisoned. Even claustrophic. I knew I was trying to be like everyone else, but I hated it. I dreaded getting up at the same time, every morning, arriving on time, having lunch at the same time, and leaving at the right time. My life was so scheduled, I suffocated. I finally quit, even though I didn't have another job to go to. I decided, "Life is not worth living if I have to work eight hour days, every day, for the rest of my life."

I decided, before quitting, that my life would be better if I quit. It worked in my favour. First of all, the company I quit hired me on a contract basis. I earned more in two weeks than I would have, as an employee, in two months. Secondly, I got a job as an instructor, making more in a month with less work, than I would have staying with the company. As an instructor, I only worked 20 hours per week, but I made more in a month by about 40% than working full time with my previous company.

I can make $3000 in two weeks now, working part-time hours as a freelancer, when the work comes to me. This past week, I've only worked.... 7.5 hours. The rest of the time was my own. And, I can mark exams at the beach.

So, a part of me feels like saying to y'all - you're suckers! Deadbeats. Why are you working full time for a company that wants to make a profit off of you? Why not go freelance, where you make the bucks, and spend less hours? I guess the security of a full time job is more important to you. Yes, I have no security...but I've decided to have faith, that I will get a new contract. It's full of insecurity I suppose. But that's the only way I'm willing to live. It's also the only way I will live. The main thing is to have faith, that I will be taken care of. I can't change who I am. So I accept who I am, and the way I work. I believe the universe will conspire to help me.

I've realized I can't be someone I'm not. I can't work regular hours. I can't be imprisoned by nine to five hours. I can't accept that my boss makes more profit than me. I need lots of hours of personal self-reflection. I deserve it. That's the way God made me.

It does take a huge risk, one which most people aren't willing to make. But I did, I have faith, and it works for me.

I do take into consideration how much money I need each month, and in my mind I set quotas. Then I take these quotas, send them out to the universe with faith, and ask for it. It has worked for me, so far.

I'm not rich, that's for sure. But I always have what I need. And so far, that's good enough for me. I'm rich with time, self-reflection, time to make food, time to write, time to go to the beach, time to work out, lots of time. I love having time. Thyme, as a spice, I haven't experimented with yet, but perhaps I want to.

So thank you, God, Universe, for giving this to me. I write this to hopefully give others a positive option. It's real. It works.

Wednesday, May 28, 2003

Sacred Contracts - Part 2

A note before the last part of my article. Out of the blue my best friend from Lethbridge, JZ (who I blogged about before - I tried kissing her when I was 21) e-mailed me. We'd been out of touch for five years. It's so great to hear from her. We are soul mates. She's so dynamic and fabulous! It's strange how this past week three people showed up from my past, out of the blue. I love that!

Today I went to the department meeting; a very suave move on my part. It was marks review. I didn't need to attend, but I thought I'd show up and say hello to my Department Head and Assistant Dean, and other important people. Since I decided not to go back in the fall, I wanted to do it on good terms. So I said hello to everyone, they were glad to see me, and asked me to apply again next year after I'd had a break. They really like me. So that option is open in the future.

I made myself the most delicious, juicy cheese burgers for lunch. I cut up a green onion, 1/4 cup of feta cheese, salt & pepper, Worchestersire sauce, and mixed it together with regular hamburger. I grilled the burgers with gouda cheese, then slathered garlic mayonnaise on them and a garlic dill pickle, and sat it on a bed of Romaine lettuce. I was so full, I had to sleep for 40 minutes. Why is it that I can always make better food than what I eat at a restaurant? I've know several incredible cooks, who make food better than I've ever tasted at a restaurant. Maybe restaurants need to appeal to a middle range of palates, so they go bland? I don't know. But I've never had a better burger, better salads, better stir-fries, better salmon and chicken, better everything than what I and my friends can make. I also had sugar-free fruit jello. I can't eat any more today. I'm stuffed. I even worked out and did aerobic exercise. I think I've already lost five pounds after a week. And for those of you who are concerned, I've had excellent bowel movements since using Psyllium.

I also got my second bedroom for my new roomy ready. I took apart the futon and frame bed, took off the shelving from the wall, filled all the holes, scrubbed the walls, sanded them and spot painted it, vacuumed, dusted all the floor boards and doors and now it's ready for him. He moves in on Friday.

I've been thinking about RA, since my date with him on Sunday. He really does have many qualities that I admire and like. When I think about it, he has qualities that I loved about BC, except he has morals and values. For instance, he knows how to do "construction-type" things. He's built houses. He knows how to repair things. For me, this is an intense turn-on. It's very blue collar, except he has a white collar job. BC knew how to do all those things, plus fix cars. I get more turned on by this, than someone who can volley academic intelligent bullshit with me. I think this is true...I've never actually had a really intelligent boyfriend who could engage me in fascinating intellectual conversation without being droll. All my female friends are super intelligent and sophisticated and can meet me on this level, and I love being with them. But I've honestly never been friends with a man in the same way. Perhaps Toddo can do this...I've had some great, complex communications with him.

I guess it's about my father again. My father was brilliant. A photographic memory. He won the Governor General's award for highest academic achievement when he graduated from high school. At one of the top colleges in the U.S. on a full scholarship he finished two master degrees suma cum lade (sp?). He once failed a class because the professor didn't believe such a young guy could write such a brilliant essay, and accused him of plagirism. My father also learned to speak Latin and Hebrew. But he was so humble, he never really showed his intellect. He once told me that it's more important to speak on the same level as everyone else, so he spent great pains learning to communicate very complex ideas with very simple language and using common parables to make a point.

So I've always been attracted to humble guys, with very little education. Even RA told me he left high school in grade 11, and didn't finish it until he was 24. Same with BC - weird coincidence. Both never had college education. Both have expressed a difficulty with the academic environment, in terms of learning. That is so opposite to me, I can't tell you. I loved school and academia. I guess my father expressed himself as an average Joe most of my life, until he pulled out obscure references to certain things when I pushed him for an answer on something. Even when I tried to trap him into giving me a definite answer on something, he would never give me one. He'd tell me all the different schools of thought on something, then leave it to me to make up my mind. I admire him for this, of course. He taught me to be an individual thinker.

I feel very blessed. I've met two interesting guys lately, both of whom I want to get to know better. I hope they're willing to just be friends for a while. I'm tired of diving into major sexual infatuations (like BC). I'd like to get to know them as people first. I'd like to do things with them as friends. Go camping, do weekend trips, hang out, make them dinner. Have fun conversation. And if it doesn't go beyond friendship, I'd be happy. And if something more happens, that's okay too. I'm a little afraid that they want sex sooner with me, rather than getting to know me first. I guess that's the chance I need to take, because I tell you - that's what I want right now.

In the meantime, I might meet someone else. The X-Factor. The guy who has a hot body, can meet me head on intellectually, who is my equal, rather than my compliment. A man who is like my female friends. This summer should be interesting... especially with my new body. I can't wait to strut the beaches in my blue/white/yellow swimming thing.


POWER IS A COMMON THEME in Myss' writings. For her, becoming empowered is about breaking away from the tribe mentality, which involves various stages of risk and courage. Our first test involves overcoming family-of-origin beliefs, such as religion, politics and other ideas about the world, that suppress our individual passions from being fulfilled. The tribe extends to the group influence, which may be cultural, national or global in origin, and makes us believe in the illusion that power comes from our ability to control the outside world. In these instances, our value is measured by worldly successes. But at some point, she writes, everyone is disappointed with this outwardly driven striving. In our suffering, we turn inward, and learn to define success by our own, more spiritual estimations.

Spiritual empowerment involves making the decision to never give away our spirit for the security or approval of others; and to stop living in the past of resentments, or the promises of the future. In the process, we lighten our psychic load, and our spirit has more energy to invest in inner guidance. We no longer give away our power to others or outward things, but use it to manifest our highest potential. "Creating synchronicities doesn't come cheap," she says. "You require a great deal of energetic reserves to be able to trade it in for opportunities. Miraculous opportunities that bring you closer to your highest potential, and puts you on the fast track to fulfilling it."

Myss' newest contribution to self-empowerment is to identify your personal archetypes, and then using a method of 'chance,' cast your archetypes onto a wheel that resembles an astrological chart. For many years, when giving intuitive readings to people, she often saw a symbol for the client in her mind's eye. Myss learned that the archetypical symbols she intuited, represented an aspect of the client's psyche that required self-awareness, in order for healing to occur and empowerment to be realized.

While the term "archetype" is difficult to grasp, Myss reminds us that we use archetypes in our daily conversations. "Isn't she a Princess," we say about a woman who feels entitled to special treatment. Or, "Who does he think he is - Don Juan?" we say when criticizing (or perhaps admiring) a womanizing man. From decades of popular psychology, we're all familiar with our inner "Child," and the games of the "Victim, Rescuer and Saboteur." Myss includes a whole index of archetypes in her book, Sacred Contracts, and asks us to identify a total of 12 that we relate to on some level. Complicating matters somewhat, each archetype has a sacred aspect, and a shadow aspect. For example, if you tend to sell your spirit and dreams in exchange for the safety of material comforts, you're the Prostitute. But once you identify and become conscious of how you play out the behavior patterns of the Prostitute archetype, you can choose to not play out its dynamics. Then it becomes the Sacred Prostitute - the holy aspect of yourself that reminds you not to 'sell out.' By discovering your shadow patterns, and acknowledging your sacred ones, Myss purports you can become more aware of your behavior patterns, and make conscious choices that are more in sync with our spirit.

After choosing twelve archetypes, the fun begins with "casting your wheel." Myss 'reinvents the wheel' with a 12-sectioned circle called "houses." Each house is numbered, and corresponds to an aspect of self and life:

* ego and personality
* home
* creativity and good fortune
* occupation and health
* marriage and relationships
* other people's resources
* spirituality
* highest potential
* relationship to the world
* the unconscious

By writing your archetypes on individual pieces of paper and placing them in one pile, and the numbers one through twelve on other individual pieces of paper and placing them in a different pile, chance is used to place your archetypes in each house. Once you've stated your intention and put yourself in a meditative state, then you select from the first pile an archetype, and match it up with a number that represents the house it belongs in. Myss writes, "Your archetypes will be guided into their appropriate houses by the energy of simultaneity, coincidence, spiritual order, divine paradox and destiny."

By matching archetypes with a house, Myss explains that new insights and connections are made, increasing self-awareness and the potential for making choices that are self-empowering. By avoiding decisions that complicate our lives, we make room for "energetic reserves" that can be used for fulfilling our sacred contracts - our highest potential and the purpose for our lives.

QUEEN MYSS IS WINDING DOWN, coming to the end of her lecture, and already a line-up is forming near the pulpit for devotees to pay their respects and - just possibly, be endowed with her royal signature. The Rebel in me, which landed in the house "My Relationship to the World," loves the irony involved in listening to a new age preacher in the sanctity of a Christian church. But my butt is hurting from sitting on the hard pew, and the Hedonist archetype — found in my "Ego and Personality house" — is complaining.

"You'll never be able to live an empowered life without hurting someone," Myss says. "You need to learn self-authority and not be afraid of independent thought and action. And only then will you receive visionary insight, and high-powered intuition." I glance at the people in the line-up, wondering if they're taking in what Myss just said. I notice the anxious, dark-haired woman I spoke with earlier. She's clutching a copy of Sacred Contracts to her breast, looking eagerly at Myss.

"You'll find yourself following the most absurd guidance. After all, you only follow logical guidance when you're afraid." Myss says, with a wicked grin on her face.

I find myself sneaking out of the pew, stumbling over seated people's feet and purses. I feel drawn to say something to the dark-haired woman, but I don't know what I'm going to say or why I'm doing it. All I hope is that I don't embarrass myself. Suddenly the audience stands clapping, giving me cover.

She sees me coming toward her, pushing through the crowd, and breaks into a smile of recognition. "What am I doing?" I think. "I can't believe I'm doing this!" But I smile back and hear myself saying, "How did you enjoy Caroline Myss' talk?"

"I loved it!" she squeals. "And she wasn't as scary as I thought she would be."

I want to tell this dear woman that she's as powerful and significant as Myss; that her sacred purpose is equal in importance; and she needn't feel so victimized by the world. Perhaps it's the Teacher archetype in my "Spirituality" house.

But all I say is, "I'm glad to hear you say that."

I touch her on the shoulder and with a silent blessing turn toward the exit.

Tuesday, May 27, 2003

Sacred Contracts - Part 1

This is an article I wrote for a magazine last year, which unfortunately never got published! So, at least I can publish it here. This is the "spiritual" aspect of myself, thus far mostly unrevealed on this site.

I'M STANDING IN A LINE that stretches one block around the corner from the front door of St. Andrew's Wesley Church in downtown Vancouver, waiting for the doors to open. At 6:30pm, the sun has long disappeared over the horizon, and the temperature hovers around one degree celsius, making the wait barely tolerable. In front and behind me are mostly middle aged women of two types: the first tend to be dressed in rich, well-cut fabrics with silk scarves, and expertly styled and coloured hair that shimmers under the sodium street lights; the second type appear to spend their time and money on other pursuits. I imagine them raising organic vegetables in their own garden, or perhaps covered in mud, spinning pottery in their home studio.

"Where are all the men?" I think.

A tall, successful looking woman with a maroon and gold scarf around her neck asks her friend, "I wonder how much she charges to do speaking engagements?" I notice that her scarf matches her copper hair.

"I don't know. Maybe $500?" suggests her friend.

I smile at their niaveté, and turn around to talk to them. "Carolyn Myss (pronounced 'mace') is on a book tour, so her publisher probably covers most expenses," I say to them.

A woman with an official demeanor interrupts our conversation by addressing our section of the line-up. She says, "Does everyone in line have a ticket? All fourteen hundred tickets are sold out, so if you don't have a ticket, then you're out of luck."

I silently calculate fifteen dollars times fourteen hundred people… Maybe the book publisher doesn't contribute! Someone's making half my yearly salary in one evening.

A petite and attractive dark-haired woman in front of me asks, "Have you seen Carolyn Myss talk before?

"Only on video. This is my first time," I say. "Have you?"

The dark-haired woman says, "Me neither. But I've seen her on PBS and boy, is she ever… brutal. It makes me nervous." I notice she's in her mid-thirties and looks anxious. "Have you read Sacred Contracts, her new book?" she asks me.

"Yes, I just bought it last week." I say.

"Oh, it's so scary," she says. "All that stuff about archetypes - like the prostitute, victim, child and saboteur - they're so disturbing. It makes me realize how often I'm a prostitute, always selling my soul to get other people's affections. It's so hard to take." Her wide eyes plead with understanding and longing.

I take a deep breath in to ground my energy. She's feeding off it, trying to replenish herself. Obviously she hasn't read Carolyn Myss's book Why People Don't Heal and How They Can. Myss explains how our self-help culture has become one that's based on "victimology." Our identity is founded on our suffering rather than our strengths. Within seconds of meeting this anxious lady, I already know too much about her. But I'm practicing compassion, and try to think of something to say that would empower her, while showing empathy.

"They're not meant to create fear," I say to the dark-haired woman. "The archetypes are meant to give you tools to understand, observe and transcend your behavior patterns." On the street behind us we hear horns blaring, because a car tries to turn into a one-way lane, nearly causing an accident.

"Oh my god," she says. "Driving is so dangerous. That reminds me of when I ran into a car and the driver turned out to be a lawyer. Of course, that's just my luck - out of anyone, I hit a lawyer! I haven't driven since." She looks at me, expecting approval and confirmation of her beliefs.

Thankfully, the line starts to move forward, and I don't need to respond.

WHEN I HEARD about the Carolyn Myss speaking event on January 21, I immediately bought my ticket. I knew they'd sell out quickly. Since discovering Myss' writings, I knew I'd found one of North America's most influential and insightful healers. Since her introduction to the world with her books, Anatomy of the Spirit and Why People Don't Heal and How They Can, she was recognized worldwide, to great acclaim, and twice made the New York Times bestsellers list.

Myss is regarded for three reasons, the first being her medical intuitive ability. She combined forces in 1983 with C. Norman Shealy, M.D., Ph.D., with whom she worked to refine her skills as a medical intuitive. He would back up her paranormal insights with scientific fact. Myss is able to read the energy field around a human being, and describe the energetic dysfunctions that are present within her client's bodies. She treats the body and spirit equally, as interdependent aspects of oneself.

Myss is also honored for her academic knowledge and interpretive abilities. After receiving a degree in journalism, and working in the new age publishing industry as an editor, she felt an inner calling to study spirituality. She received a Masters in Theology at Mundelein College, which followed with a Ph.D. from Greenwich University, in Intuition and Energy Medicine. As a result, her writing is grounded in academia - including philosophy, theology and contemporary new age thought. She quotes source texts from major religions, including Christianity, Buddhism, and Islam; Celtic myths; and popular fairy tales. In a cross-disciplinary manner, she examines their shared spiritual meanings. And in each book manages to find a way to tie these disparate thoughts into a new working model of healing - one which increases our understanding of the spiritual journey.

Finally, Myss is notorious for her ruthlessness with people. When she sees into the fears that stop a person from empowerment, Myss delivers her insight with force. In Sacred Contracts, she explains, "in those moments I am looking through the personality and into the heart of their passion to transform the ordinariness of their lives into the extraordinary - meaning their greater potential in this lifetime." The queen is the archetype that corresponds to her actions here - Myss says she, "symbolically decapitates people who are yearning for liberation from their fears." Perhaps the anxious dark-haired woman I spoke with in line has reason to fear Myss. She doesn't soften her interactions with people until she feels they have, "made a conscious connection to their excuses and self-sabotage." While it's shattering to be in the line of fire of naked truth, it's ultimately transforming. Myss isn't the gentle, nurturing mother often expected in new age circles. Instead she's the Shakti, a force who destroys in order to create anew.

I wanted to attend Myss' talk because I wanted to see her in action. It's like the dark thrill of seeing a car accident, while knowing no one gets hurt.

I SLOWLY SHUFFLE into the main Sanctuary, designed in the Norman architectural style. It's characterized by its massive pillars, and semi-circular doorways and windows. The vaulted ceiling is high enough to allow a legion of angels to flutter about. An unseen pianist is playing Bach in the background. Being among the first in line, I think I have a good chance of finding a seat in the front. But once up there, I see that the first twelve rows are already packed with eager Carolyn Myss fans. Returning to the pews at the back, I see a hand waving at me, and the maroon-scarfed woman I was in line with earlier stands and says, "We saved a seat for you."

"Is that ever nice," I say with a big smile. I feel blessed by her generosity. Looking down the fifteen foot long bench, I don't see any spaces. "Are you sure there's room?"

"Oh yes, just scoot in. We'll find some room for you," she says.

After upsetting about nine seated patrons who irreligiously stand on the bench to let me pass, I find a cozy seat, giving me just enough room to hold my shoulders square. I wonder, "Would I be thoughtful enough to even think of holding a seat for a stranger?"

I wait, chatting occasionally to my new friends, while watching swarms of people fill every corner of the cross-shaped sanctuary. Men of every age begin to appear in the pews, scattered in pockets among the women. There's even a kid with raspberry kool-aid coloured hair, whose eyebrows, nose and lips are pierced with rings. Thirty minutes later, the lights dim, and into the chancel walks a small, slender woman. She's wearing a bland outfit of gray slacks and jacket, and a pink, black and gray striped sweater. But I notice she walks with a regal grace.

"Now remember. You're not born yet," Myss says sternly, like an evangelist preacher looking for recruits to be baptized. She speaks into a cordless microphone, like a pop star, with a moderate Chicago accent. "Imagine you're not yet born and are being prepared for incarnation. You must be born for some purpose, and this purpose is going to be burned into your soul, so you won't forget when you're in a human body," she explains. The audience and I are silent, caught up in imagining such a state of being.

"Your purpose is clearly defined. Human experience is about discovering how powerful you are as vehicles of creative expression," she says. "In order to discover your power, you're given a schedule of people you may meet, places you may go, and experiences you may have. It's a situation where destiny and free choice walk hand-in-hand."

A young woman arriving late attempts to make it to her seat in the second pew from the front. She's an easy mark for Myss' unmerciless humor. "What are you doing?" Myss says aloud. "Are you trying to make it to your seat without being seen?" The audience laughs nervously. "I've never understood how people think they can be invisible by stooping around and tiptoeing to their seat." Myss unkindly mimics her, appearing more like Frankenstein than her target. "It's like when people whisper," she hisses loudly, "Thinking that no one can hear them." Bursts of audience laughter.

"And that feather boa you're wearing isn't helping," she adds.

Myss gets her payoff. The audience peels into horrified laughter. Her technique is as subtle as spraying mace into open eyes. She continues, "No one is born empowered. Not even the saints or Buddha himself. It's a journey that you must take on your own. Fortunately, each of us is given lots of help on the path. This includes your allies, people with whom you form positive and supportive relationships, as well as your adversaries, who teach you to grow spiritually, albeit painfully."

It occurs to me that Myss antagonized the woman with the feather boa for a purpose higher than just getting a laugh. Was she indirectly telling her to own her power, and walk without apology for her existence?

"And you're given archetypes. These are the blueprints that guide you in your decisions," Myss says. "Learning to recognize how they influence your reactions gives you greater choice and understanding on your own path to power."
To be continued tomorrow.