Wednesday, August 27, 2003

My last "conversation"
Here's my email with BC, how we ended our relationship. I know it should be old history, but I'm still recovering from it.Even though I've been fucking with another guy, we don't have the same connection as I had with BC. So this blog is for historical remembrance. I'm back online.

Hi BC:
I don't know if you're checking your email, but just in case.

I want you to know how difficult it has been for me - not contacting you. But I know it's for the best. Some days it's easy. Other moments, during my day, it has been very hard. I guess that's the way grief works. Sometimes I feel light-hearted. Other times I feel like a dagger has been put in my heart. These are hard times I cry, deeply. Grief is an odd experience. It's unpredictable. It simply needs to be experienced head-on, and gotten through.

There's so many memories to process and come to terms with. Many times, you're in my dreams. But always, you're distant, not quite available - even in my dreams. Somehow in my dreams, you're there, I love seeing you, but there's always some distance between you and me. I'm not allowed to touch you, or show you my affection. Although I love seeing you in my dreams, you're never available. Or another way of saying that is you're not committed. So even my dreams tell the truth. It's a strange combination of loving your presence, but never being allowed to be with you.

I remember odd moments. Shaving the hairs on your back and neck . Or perhaps plucking them. Tickling you to sleep - making your goosehairs stand up on end. How you walk around in your underwear. I remember all your underwear - the "tightey-whiteys" and the boxers. Or none at all. Watching you fix your hair in the morning (I loved that). Being upset with me when I lick my hand to push some hairs down. Feeling intimate enough to "pick your pimples," or scratch them away at night before going to bed. You were intimate with me enough to do that to me. And still love me. Even though I have pimples.

Other odd things. How many times you gave me things. Your dishes. I think of you every time I put them away from the dishwasher. Your popcorn popper. I think of you when I make popcorn while watching a movie. Clothing. I can't even remember all the clothing you gave me. You showed me how to change my windshield wipers. How to add fluid to my windshield wipers, add oil to different things and how to inflate my tires. Very practical things that my dad never taught me. I miss these things. About you.

And washing our cars together. I miss the simple things. It's not the trips to Maui, or to bed and breakfasts. I miss the ordinary things. I miss you making coffee for me in the morning, grinding the beans, making me wait to push the plunger. I miss waiting for you to wake up in the mornings. Maybe you understand and maybe you don't. I'm not sure. But these are the things I miss.

Sometimes I wonder how I ruined things between us. I wish I hadn't gotten so busy with work at the beginning. I had weird fears, regarding driving on mountains and rowing in the ocean together. And gotten out of shape and disinterested in sex. Plus drinking too much. I have much to be regretful for. And being too hard on you.

On the other hand, I unfortunately couldn't be any different than I was. And I realize that. It was the way it was. Nevertheless, I miss you so much. I thank you for our time together. It was really important to me. And I hope I can meet someone as terrific as you again. I guess I'll need to meet someone I love as much before being able to be friends with you. That is, if you still want to be friends with me.

I don't know you well enough to know if you're missing me. But in case you are, I thought I'd send this note. I know your missing me is different, but I do believe that I was important to you. I think it's important for me to let you know how important you are to me. And also I do want you to know, that not keeping in touch with you is probably the most loving thing I can do at this time. I'm not proud of the way I was treating you before this. And I want to make sure that I treat you well - the way you deserve.

Thank you BC, for the experience of you.

Well, well, well!

I was wondering when I'd hear from you. I knew I might hear from you sometime since I got your very sweet letter when I last came over to get my stuff beside your garage. I still don't have a computer so I don't check my email very often but I'll always love getting back to you when you message me.

It is so good to hear from you and it sounds like you have been having some difficult moments since memories make it difficult to deal with the feelings they bring. Grieving is an exhausting process, isn't it?
I do know what you're going through right now and I'm so sorry that you must go through the pain of it. I wish it didn't have to be difficult but there really is no other way, is there?

I also understand that you could not have ever been any different than you were during the time that we've known each other. Please try not to blame yourself wondering what you did to ruin things between us. I can say that I've always wished that you could be "easier going" and somewhat less moody or emotionally triggered by things. I also understand that I've had to accept you the way you are and I've always loved and cared for you very much.

Yes - you were important to me and you still are. I do miss you very much also. I'll always want us to be friends. We both know we can't change what has been. We can say that if we did this or did't do that things would be different but there's no use, is there? Perhaps we just aren't meant to be "together" since we are in very different places with regards to what we can or can't live with. That doesn't mean we can't always be close in other ways. We have been very close with each other and I've enjoyed your company and the experience of getting to know you more than I can tell you. You've been a wonderful friend for me and I'd never want that part to change between us.

During one of our last conversations together you said that you worry that there is something wrong with you since your relationships all seem to end in similar ways. In your last email to me you mentioned that I always cared for you even though you have pimples, etc. I want to remind you that one of the first things I admired about you when we first met on the dance floor at Odyssey was your beautiful skin...and your beautiful legs...and I thought you were pretty cute looking, too.
And not to mention you are smart and an interesting guy, too. I quickly felt very close to you and wanted to see you often.

I do understand the importance of you taking all the time you need for yourself right now so please do take your time because I'll always be around. I know that you will meet that wonderful man to share you life with and he's looking for you too.

I know I haven't talked about myself much here but I'll say that there have been very difficult moments for me, too. I was depressed for a while and I also have recurring moments of heavy emotions that make me feel sad. I suppose that this has been different for each of us from our different perspectives.

Take good care of yourself my friend and I will take care of myself, too. We always said that we would during difficult times since we're both very strong. I know we're both sensitive in our own ways, too, and I wouldn't want it any other long as there is a happy ending.

I look forward to being friends always when you're ready, too.

Love your friend, BC. XXX OOO

Happy Valentine's Day BC.
I hope you're having a wonderful day. I'm sure you are, because you know how to take care of your own needs. Your own needs were always primary, so I'm sure that today - it's no different.

I think it's an appropo day to let you know that I am letting you go. Thank you for the time you've given me on my own. It's made me reflect on who I am, what's important to me, and what kind of friends and relationships I want in my life. While there is so much I love about you, ultimately, your values in terms of friendships and relationships are very different from my own. I cannot change who I am. And I don't want to. And obviously I cannot change your own ideas about friendships and relationships. Because you don't want to.

Our connection and love is on a different level, one that will always exist, but in real life, never will harmonize and never be practical. Every time you suggested that we would be friends, I never felt it. My conception of friendship is very different from your own. Intuitively, although we both wanted friendship, I never felt that we would have it. And now I'm telling you, we'll never be friends. To put it specifically and practically, BC, we'll never be in contact again.

I've come to realize that my destructive behaviour with you was partly a result of not being in alignment with my own values. Our values clashed. We didn't connect on these levels at all. While we had similar energies, we are very different people. I've become more of the person I wish to be, in not being in contact with you.

It's time for me to move forward and connect with people who share my values. And I have. These people exist. From the beginning of meeting you, I knew that our values didn't match. There would be problems. Even though you're the most loveliest guy I've ever known - our values don't match. I made the mistake of getting involved with you. Now I've met a few guys who's values match my own, they're not interested in fooling around outside of relationships, and wish to make a deep and true connection with me. That's what I need. I know, it's not what you want.

So, with grief, honour and self-respect, I let you go, Mr. BC. We'll meet again - in another another life. I know we won't meet here, in Vancouver. We've not met since January, and I know we won't meet again, at any time. Somehow, there's a division, that will separate us. I've changed. You've changed. We won't meet again. Until I see you in the afterlife. There - in the afterlife - I will honour our love.

Because I do believe I really loved you. I would have liked to spend my life with you. But you've shown me what I do need, and for that, I thank you. Thank you BC, and good bye.