Monday, October 23, 2006

Brad Pitt update

(I'll probably get a ton of google hits with that line...just so you know, this post is not really about Bratt Pitt. Just his doppleganger.)

Guess who I saw on Saturday? You guessed right. Brad Pitt. Except that he no longer sports buzzed-short hair - he's got a normal looking, short hairstyle. But he dyed his hair black. Like Angelina.

He said he's been doing good, except for a few relapses. He looks awesome. So even though he's no longer blond, or buzz-cut, there was still this intense sexual energy/chemistry going on, probably only with me, so it probably wasn't shared, but wow, it's intense. I haven't seen him in months, but all that crazy sexual chemistry energy happened instantly.

He's definitely one drug I need to stay away from. For his own sake.

I wonder if this "chapter" in my life in Lethbridge is over now. I'm not sure...

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Gay Parenthood & Purpose?

What struck me about seeing a buck, a female deer and their baby together, prancing through the coulees...the mother and father kindly and gently protecting the cute baby deer...was how, as a gay man, I have little to relate to.

I saw a clear and defined family unit, each with their own proscribed roles and purposes in life. In fact, their genetic destinies gave them meaningful purpose in life.

I have no such proscribed, genetically determined meaning in life. Being both protector and nurturer, top and bottom (versatile), aggressor and passive being, and no babies, my meaning in life is more difficult to ascertain.

I say to myself, "Thank God I'm gay - I don't have to have babies." Is this a defense mechanism, born out of knowing I'm gay, and knowing that the likelihood of me ever having babies is nearly zero per cent? Or is a true sentiment?

My thoughts and opinions are probably like most straight men - they are cute, I love 'em, I'd love to grow up with one...but what is lacking in me is the concept of paternity. I don't feel a drive toward paternity. The concept of me "having my DNA profilgated through my baby, and thus, I live forever," is absolutely and completely missing from my psyche. I think this is such an archaic concept.

As a result of being the only male in my family, my family geneology will not continue through me. Do I care? No, not at all.

On the other hand, if I were married, and had an infant, I would definitely have a purpose in life. It would be to support, protect, nurture and give life to my baby. I would do everything in my power throughout their life to do this. My life would take second place.

I guess I have this option...but remember, I'm older, so it's only been a recent invention in Canadian history. So for most of my life, it's not been an option. So have I justified this absence of options for not wanting a baby? Or getting married? Or do I simply like being absolved of genetic predispositions of fatherhood / motherhood / babyhood?

To be honest, I like being abolved of all related genetic purposes. I need to find my own purpose in life, which is...if someone can tell me I'd appreciate it. But I know it's not to be in a "proper family unit with a baby." Although I do like babies.

What are your own thoughts/experience/feelings on this issue? I'd like to know.

Friday, October 20, 2006

White-Tailed Deer

Last week I left my office at about 10pm. I saw 8 white-tailed deer walking up the paved pathway, over the coulees. Oddly out of place among concrete, right angled buildings and human beings, they were a welcomed pleasure. Graceful, curious and cautious, their large, muscular bodies daintily tiptoed across the parking lot and back into the curvareous hillsides. It was a full moon, adding to the supernatural quality of the moment.

Today at 5pm, I saw a buck, a female deer and a baby deer, less than 10 feet away from me, as I stepped out onto my office's patio for a breather. Their white behinds were nearly in my face, as they pranced about the hillside edge, eating leaves from a tree. They were nervous, but not scared, apparently used to human presence.

I know there's a metaphor here - I'm working on it. I will update once it's become clear.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Here's the answer to the tattoo question...