Saturday, April 05, 2003


There's a split to my personality, one that's always been difficult for me. Actually, there's several dichotomies. On the one hand, I love reading the explicit blogs of my favourite people - addaboy, geekslut and soblo - just because they're so remarkably honest about how "fucked-up" they are. I've never met anyone quite as normal as they are. It makes me feel normal. Even though they have crazy times, they're still successful, talented and smart. I want to write as honestly as they do, but it makes me feel very nervous - *maybe someone won't like me.*

On the other hand, I want to sound intelligent and creative.

So I'm torn every time I write an entry in this blog/journal. Should I sound intelligent and creative, or rude and nasty? Or try to achieve both? I guess it depends on my mood.

Another irritating split in me is the moralistic boy who wants monogamy in a relationship, and the slut who likes casual - even anonymous - sex. When I'm not in a relationship, I have no problem with casual, anonymous sex. I don't want to be friends with the guy (how can you be friends with someone you're just having sex with?). But once I find someone worthy of being involved with, both friendship-wise and romantically, I definitely don't want to share him. I wish I was one of those guys who could have sex AND be friends simultaneously, without becoming attached. Like BC. Like Les. I've always admired that ability, and tried my best to not be jealous, not be attached, allow what may be. I'd prefer to be that way, actually. But my personality seems incapable of doing this.

The problem I think is very simple in reality. There are those who want to be attached, and build long term relationships. Then there are those who don't want to be attached, and want their freedom to explore sex and friendship with other guys. I must be a bit of both, because otherwise I'd choose more wisely. Since I'm always attracted to guys who don't want to commit, that must mean I don't want to. Right? I think Dr. Laura would agree with that.

I admit, I love bi-guys for many reasons. One of them is that they have more options, and are more free. On the other hand, they have so many options, why should they commit?