Thursday, April 29, 2004

Two Sites that Give Me a Hard-0n

There are two sites that instantly give me a hard-on. One is...Sean Cody. I bought a membership last year, for one month, and watched all the movies available at this time. I was jerking off at least three times a day, as a result. I had my laptop plugged into my highspeed internet connection on my bed, and when I woke up, I watched a movie. Then there was mid-afternoon jerk-off, then of course, before sleep jerk-off. Since I didn't have a boyfriend at the time, it was virtually satisfying.

The site is run by an ex-Mormon, who really knows how to pick his boys, and set up sexually arousing situations with them. And he knows how to hold his camera to get the most enticing shots. I think it's the "uncut" aspect of his pornos that make it so arousing. There's no lighting technicians, or writers, or complicated behind-the-scenes things that keep us from seeing unadulterated sex between "so called straight and bisexual and gay men" who are very hot. I don't care if the men are straight. Sure, it adds a little heightened fantasy behind it. But I love seeing these hot guys suck, fuck and cum on video. It's unscripted, for the most part. So it's so sexy to be a voyeur into this moment, on video.

There's a panoply of men, from a 40-year-old "DILF" to a 19-year-old, all with beautiful bodies, muscular and tight butts, and interestingly shaped and sized dicks, to huge dicks. It has solo jerk off videos to orgies. To one-on-one fuck sessions. From guys who never get fucked, to guys who decide to get fucked, eventually. There's one guy, who reminds me of BC - his name is "Zack." His body and looks are similar. I think his cock is almost as big (but not quite), but I get off on seeing him get sucked and fucked and fuck. A purely virtual turn-on.

I'm not earning any money from telling you about this site. I just think it's the hottest I've seen. If anyone wants to share with me their user name and password, to preview the newest videos, please do! My e-mail.

The other site which is very hot is Straight College Men. Again, it's a similar theme. Straight guys having sex. Yeah, whatever. I know I'm 'sick.' That's why I tend to be attracted to biguys, and am not currently in a relationship. Anyway, the site turns me on. Especially with the discovery of "Dean." He is so juicy. His pecs, his butt, his personality, his skin, his hair, his eyes...he's so fucking yummy! I personally would love to run my tongue over ever cell of his body, every crevice, and personally penetrate that muscular, tight butt of his with my condomed pinky finger (and more). I'd pay big dollars to do it! Anyway, if you want to share with me your user name and password, to perview the newest videos, please do! My e-mail isclick here.

Aaah. I feel so spent. Now I can get down to work.

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Bad Clients

Hi guys. Thanks for your e-mails. They were terrific! I felt good, overall, about deleting my posts. My soul was light. And isn't that the most important thing? I slept well. Sure, I had lots of e-mails saying they loved my sarcasm. On the other hand, I had e-mails from my favourite bloggers saying they respected me. And I have to admit...I'd rather please the bloggers I love. And I love you too, GeekSlut.

Right now, though, I'm in a difficult position. I've got a client who started a job with me five months ago, that's only worth $1800. This is nothing! to me. I can earn more than that easily in a few days. So, this client is like pocket change.

Yet this client is connected to another client who brings in lots of income to me. So there is some shit involved there. Anyway, I underbid myself, in terms of a contract, hopefully getting more work from him. We first met, five months ago. Then it took my client 3 months to get the photo shoot done. Then I did all the work in a week, and it's taken my client two more months to respond, with corrections.

Normally this is not a good sign. When a client takes too long to do things, it means they don't have the money to pay me. Yes, I got the 50% deposit. But really, taking a simple job, making it run over half a year is too much. The ironic thing is, this client is making millions of dollars. It's not that he can't pay me. He's just too fucking slow to care about my work.

So, I was in a really bad mood on Friday, and called my client, and completely told him what I thought about his communications and business practices. I told him exactly what I thought. I told him, I won't finish the job with him, unless I received payment, immediately.

He e-mailed and called me, said he would do what I want. But I still hate him. I guess I need to call him right now to discuss things.

I'm not so good with this client thing. Unless they respect me, as I respect them, I'll give good services. If they don't, then...fuck off. I got a check today from him. So I guess I need to finish the interaction.

Does anyone else have this problem?

Sunday, April 25, 2004

Change of Heart

I deleted all offending entries today. I did it for several reasons, which I'll explain. I censored myself. It was entirely my decision. I'm not afraid to take criticism, and I invite it...but the thing is, I had a change of heart.

I received an e-mail from the lovely
Mighty Maloney of The Shower Room. He kindly told me that perhaps "I had gone too far," and possibly appeared "immature and desperate." Then he complimented me, and said, after thinking about it, he "gets my sense of humour." It was Mighty Maloney's comment that, "I had gone too far, with one of my posts about "Blog Terr*orism" that got to me. It confirmed what I was feeling myself, and my conscience was bothering me.

So I didn't sleep too well last night. I kept thinking, "Did I go too far?" I woke early after being out late, and did my Sunday morning reading of local newspapers, including the Georgia Straight and Xtra West.

The first thing I read is Xtra West's Editor, Gareth Kirby, who writes, "It seems to me we spend an awful lot of time bitching about each other when we gather... And I must confess that I sometimes get sick of opening up newspapers and reading about yet another thing gone the gay community."

It made me go, "hmmm."

Then I read Ivan E. Coyote's editorial, titled, "Take that: revenge of the high school outcast." Ivan is a lesbian, who looks like a guy and always has, and she finds herself on a plane with 40 teenage girls. When she goes to use the lavatory, walking down the isle towards them, the girls at first start flirting with her, because she looks like a cute boy. But once she gets closer, they realize, to their horror, that "it's" a woman, and they're disgusted. Read it.

The article made me remember being teased at times, as a teenager, and how awful I felt. Am I being the kind of person that hurted me? She ends up confronting them, and even tripping one as she gets off the plane. Not a highly evolved response, but a real one, nevertheless.

Savage Love, by Dan Savage, is the column I next read.

In one of his diatribes, he writes, "...I understand why straight men hold straight women in contempt. I also understand why straight women hold straight men in contempt. And I understand why gay men hold gay men in contempt, lesbians hold lesbians in contempt, and bisexuals hold everybody in contempt. We all have to make ourselves vulnerable to people we find attractive. And making ourselves vulnerable means getting hurt. A cruel sexual putdown, a toxic boyfriend/girlfriend, an abusive spouse, a devastatingly bad breakup or divorce, contracting an STD, a total asshole hiding under the bed - those experiences can be terribly scarring. Even people who haven't had bad romantic experiences develop a sort of anticipatory contempt for the people they find attractive. Allowing ourselves to feel and express a little contempt makes us feel a little less vulnerable. So straight men call straight women bitches, straight women will call straight men assholes, gay men call other gay men whores, et cetera. Everybody does it.

But the mark of all healthy adults - all adults worthy of sex and human intimacy - is that their expressions of contempt are designed to blow off stream, manage their fears, exorcise their demons, and get it all out of their systems before they have to interact with anyone sexually."

While Dan Savage wasn't saying we can't be bitchy, he did indicate that the reason for it is based in self-protection. Of course, we've all been hurt, are afraid of getting hurt, and so putting up a false barrier, based on sarcasm and bitchiness, helps us to feel more powerful.

So, I thought to myself, "I don't need to be bitchy and sarcastic."

What is complicated, though, is knowing when to be bitchy and sarcastic, and when not to be. Dan Savage is one of the most bitchy and sarcastic assholes who's ever written a sex column. But he manages to be entertaining, insightful and honest. Where is the line between being simply honest and being reactive?

Why is it that bloggers are allowed to be bitchy and sarcastic when writing about non-bloggers. But they become so offended when one blogger criticizes another blogger?

Isn't it hypocritical to be bitchy and sarcastic about others who do not have sites, so they'll never know what you said, but it's considered bad blog etiquette to be direct about your opinions about other bloggers, who have sites, and can see your opinions?

Being bitchy and sarcastic is an important aspect to our culture. We're able to critique others, ideas, concepts, politics and so on, in a manner that is entertaining yet insightful. It helps to keep democracy in-line. It makes us laugh about ourselves, if we can keep a sense of humour about ourselves. I guess it's fun to read about others, but never ourselves.

Lastly, I read, a review of the Dalai Lama's "Tips for a Healthy Buddha and Soul." The Dalai Lama visited Vancouver last week, admist a flurry of media attention. So Gail Johnson wrote an editorial in the Georgia Straight about his visit. She quotes him as saying, "Buddhists aspire to cultivate altruistic, awakening minds. The foundation of true happiness is warmheartedness...Cultivate good heart and nurture it. The altruistic, awakening mind will relate to all sentient beings from a perspective of compassion, [will] see the value and preciousness of each living being...By pursuing the ethics of compassion, the individual will attain freedom from unenlightened mind."

I can't argue with that. His statement makes me feel like pure shit.

So, because I genuinely care about the other bloggers I have criticized (even though I thought I was doing it humorously)...they were hurt...I don't want them to feel hurt...I deleted all those entries. I'm still not clear on the ethics of when to be critical, when to be sarastic, when to be bitchy. There's much hypocrisy involved, that still hasn't been clarified. There are benefits to being a "snarky cunt" (thanks to 'you know who' for that fabulous term) because we let off steam, and hopefully open ourselves to intimacy.

I can't say I won't ever be sarcastic, critical and bitchy again. That's my right (and it's so much fun and satisfying!) But for today, this is the right decision for me. Let me know what you think!

Thursday, April 22, 2004

Intertextual Drag

How it happened.
I've never been interested in drag. But one Halloween, three friends of mine convinced me to dress up in drag, along with them. "It'll be fun," they promised. None of us had ever done it before. So I went to a costume store, and tried on several dresses, and I just looked horrible! My body is more square, than curvaceous, so I just looked like a guy in drag. I wouldn't be caught dead in public looking this bad.

I was about to give up when I read an ad in Xtra West. A local, well-known drag queen would do a "makeover" for a fee. I contacted him, and wow, did he deck me out! I went to his apartment, along with my boyfriend who documented with photography my transformation. At first I thought I'd made a mistake. The drag queen smothered my face with cream, then dusted a white powder over my entire face and neck. I looked near death. Then he drew in eyebrows, cheek bones and an Angelina Jolie mouth. It was when he stuck on the blond wig that things came together. Then he lent me a crystal encrusted necklace and earrings, a sequined dress, fishnet stockings, and pumps. Last to go on were the long red nails.

I looked like my sister wearing too much make-up!

It was the oddest experience. I now realize why gurls want doors opened for them. They're in pure hell, wearing high heels while fearing that their dress is out of place. I couldn't open doors without breaking nails. I could feel my flashy earrings bounce every time I moved my head.

I tried calling my friends to meet up with them, but couldn't get a hold of them! I went to one gay club, and the drag queens there looked me up and down. One said, "Nice, you're new, aren't you?" I couldn't find my friends. I walked down Davie Street with people whooping and hollering at me. When I drove in my car, and ended up at a red light, the people in the car next to me would be staring at me.

After spending a few hours getting dragged up, I never got a hold of my friends, so I went home with my boyfriend, who photographed me. Finally, I got rid of all the drag shit, took a shower, and had man sex with him. By the way, the first picture is titled, "Me and my pussy." The second, "Wife beater" (I'm holding an egg beater).

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

I had a wonderful long Easter weekend, here in Vancouver. Gorgeous, temperature-breaking weather, being on the beach, hiking and exploring the mountains and hugging giant cedars.

When I got back I read my favourite blogs, and had to physically stop myself from responding, in very "German-style" comments. Germans, from Germany, tend to be very direct in their comments. I'm from the West Coast, so I've learned to stop myself (usually) to responding and being truthful. So all of my favourite bloggers have angered and irritated me with their recent bloggings. ("How can you be so stupid?") I was about to post my honest opinions about what you've been up to, and stopped myself! So I've probably won popularity votes but not honesty votes. I really want to tell all of you how fucked up you are!

But then I remembered...I'm just as fucked up. I've made all the same mistakes. Who am I to pretend I'm better than you?

I can't. All I can do is thank you for your honesty. Smooches.

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

The transformational experience has faded, so I'm back to my normal self...I think.

My first gay boyfriend came for a visit to Vancouver, and we had a great time. We have a lot in common, and get along very well. He cheated on me when we were together, so we broke up, then he went to grad school in a different city, but somehow we've remained best friends over the past - oh my gosh! - 17 years!!! That number is scary. Keep in mind that I'm counting from the date when we first met.

He's still hot, even though he's 46 years old. He's 7 years older than me. He has NO gray hair, has never coloured his hair, and his body is still flawless - it looks like a 25-year-old. No wrinkles on his body, no flab, perfect skin, hairless. It's truly phenomenal.

I've joked he has a painting in his attic, somewhere.

He slept on a mattress in my bedroom, and walked around in his boxers, so I got to see his body. He always had the hottest butt, and seemed to keep bending over around me to show it off, so I slapped it several times. But I'd never have sex with him again. It's odd - he can be attractive but repulsive at the same time. Maybe it would seem have sex with him again? It's been so long. I don't think I'll go there.

We had a great time exploring Vancouver, going to art galleries, walking on the dozens of beaches. The weather has been remarkable - sunny, warm, few clouds. It was ideal.

While he was here, I had dreams about all of my three other boyfriends - deep dreams...the ones you wake up from, and remember, and affect you emotionally. The kind of dreams that make you remember why you loved being with him. I must have been doing a boyfriend-spring cleansing in my psyche. He left on Sunday.

I've got an amazingly hot student in my class. He's Italian. He's got charisma. He's strikingly intelligent. He also has the most sparkling, light-reflecting, glass-cutting blue eyes you've ever seen under long black eye lashes and bushy brows. He knows he's better looking than Tom Cruise. Well, maybe he doesn't know it, but his energy is pure sexuality, that makes even the best looking guy feel inadequate. I had him in my class last term, as well. He's so HOT that he doesn't seem to have made close friends with any of the females or males in the class. He's so sweet looking, but his energy is intense. When you're around him, you just feel like mush. How can you have a conversation with him when your mind has crashed and you need to reboot?

When the instructors met to grade his term project presentation, all of us - both male and a female - kept going on about how gorgeous he is. It was difficult to differentiate between his intelligence and looks. One of the female instructions kept swooning when talking about him. "Blue eyes, blue eyes" is all she said. She's married and a professional. They're not your usual blue eyes - these are like sapphires. Just so you know.

He speaks from his groin. When he talks to you, you feel a tingling in your groin. It's deep, powerful and confident. He could be saying, "Where is the pop machine?" and you get turned on. His voice rumbles in your body, causing vibrations in your groin. This is what I had to deal with on Monday. I was talking with all the girls during break, then he came out to talk with us, all on his own. It seemed like he wanted to connect with the girls, but they were all ignoring him, probably because he's so overwhelmingly attractive. And my student girls are SEXY.

So I started a boring conversation with him, lost my mind, sounded stupid, and nearly got a hard on. I think that's how people interact with him. He could tell I sounded stupid, silly and turned on, and he's used to it, and basically fluffed it off and repressed his awareness of it.

He's a bit tragic, being so HOT, everyone afraid to talk to him, and that somehow adds to his attractiveness. Also, I do know about another tragic event that happened in his life over the past four months, which makes me want to coddle and nurture him. And everyone else in the class knows about it, which makes them uncomfortable and want to comfort him.

I tried my best to interact with him. He got bored with the sexual tension from me, and all the girls. And casually went back to the classroom. It must be Hard to be so HOT.

I bought a lip moisturizer called "Modele." It cost me $40. It's supposed to thicken your lips, like Angelina Jolie. I'm applying it, obsessively, several times a day. I have a bad habit of biting my bottom lip when I think, so it has restored the moisture to my lips, and hopefully, will restore my lips to their true fullness. Check it out at

Sunday, April 04, 2004

Words without a meaning, just fading away
I just spent three hours, crafting a blog, that attempted to explain the rich personal experience and transformation I've gone through in the last few days. I've decided to ditch my attempt. Sometimes, words have no meaning. Only silence must be heard.