Change of Heart

I deleted all offending entries today. I did it for several reasons, which I'll explain. I censored myself. It was entirely my decision. I'm not afraid to take criticism, and I invite it...but the thing is, I had a change of heart.

I received an e-mail from the lovely
Mighty Maloney of The Shower Room. He kindly told me that perhaps "I had gone too far," and possibly appeared "immature and desperate." Then he complimented me, and said, after thinking about it, he "gets my sense of humour." It was Mighty Maloney's comment that, "I had gone too far, with one of my posts about "Blog Terr*orism" that got to me. It confirmed what I was feeling myself, and my conscience was bothering me.

So I didn't sleep too well last night. I kept thinking, "Did I go too far?" I woke early after being out late, and did my Sunday morning reading of local newspapers, including the Georgia Straight and Xtra West.

The first thing I read is Xtra West's Editor, Gareth Kirby, who writes, "It seems to me we spend an awful lot of time bitching about each other when we gather... And I must confess that I sometimes get sick of opening up newspapers and reading about yet another thing gone wrong...in the gay community."

It made me go, "hmmm."

Then I read Ivan E. Coyote's editorial, titled, "Take that: revenge of the high school outcast." Ivan is a lesbian, who looks like a guy and always has, and she finds herself on a plane with 40 teenage girls. When she goes to use the lavatory, walking down the isle towards them, the girls at first start flirting with her, because she looks like a cute boy. But once she gets closer, they realize, to their horror, that "it's" a woman, and they're disgusted. Read it.

The article made me remember being teased at times, as a teenager, and how awful I felt. Am I being the kind of person that hurted me? She ends up confronting them, and even tripping one as she gets off the plane. Not a highly evolved response, but a real one, nevertheless.

Savage Love, by Dan Savage, is the column I next read.

In one of his diatribes, he writes, "...I understand why straight men hold straight women in contempt. I also understand why straight women hold straight men in contempt. And I understand why gay men hold gay men in contempt, lesbians hold lesbians in contempt, and bisexuals hold everybody in contempt. We all have to make ourselves vulnerable to people we find attractive. And making ourselves vulnerable means getting hurt. A cruel sexual putdown, a toxic boyfriend/girlfriend, an abusive spouse, a devastatingly bad breakup or divorce, contracting an STD, a total asshole hiding under the bed - those experiences can be terribly scarring. Even people who haven't had bad romantic experiences develop a sort of anticipatory contempt for the people they find attractive. Allowing ourselves to feel and express a little contempt makes us feel a little less vulnerable. So straight men call straight women bitches, straight women will call straight men assholes, gay men call other gay men whores, et cetera. Everybody does it.

But the mark of all healthy adults - all adults worthy of sex and human intimacy - is that their expressions of contempt are designed to blow off stream, manage their fears, exorcise their demons, and get it all out of their systems before they have to interact with anyone sexually."

While Dan Savage wasn't saying we can't be bitchy, he did indicate that the reason for it is based in self-protection. Of course, we've all been hurt, are afraid of getting hurt, and so putting up a false barrier, based on sarcasm and bitchiness, helps us to feel more powerful.

So, I thought to myself, "I don't need to be bitchy and sarcastic."

What is complicated, though, is knowing when to be bitchy and sarcastic, and when not to be. Dan Savage is one of the most bitchy and sarcastic assholes who's ever written a sex column. But he manages to be entertaining, insightful and honest. Where is the line between being simply honest and being reactive?

Why is it that bloggers are allowed to be bitchy and sarcastic when writing about non-bloggers. But they become so offended when one blogger criticizes another blogger?

Isn't it hypocritical to be bitchy and sarcastic about others who do not have sites, so they'll never know what you said, but it's considered bad blog etiquette to be direct about your opinions about other bloggers, who have sites, and can see your opinions?

Being bitchy and sarcastic is an important aspect to our culture. We're able to critique others, ideas, concepts, politics and so on, in a manner that is entertaining yet insightful. It helps to keep democracy in-line. It makes us laugh about ourselves, if we can keep a sense of humour about ourselves. I guess it's fun to read about others, but never ourselves.

Lastly, I read, a review of the Dalai Lama's "Tips for a Healthy Buddha and Soul." The Dalai Lama visited Vancouver last week, admist a flurry of media attention. So Gail Johnson wrote an editorial in the Georgia Straight about his visit. She quotes him as saying, "Buddhists aspire to cultivate altruistic, awakening minds. The foundation of true happiness is warmheartedness...Cultivate good heart and nurture it. The altruistic, awakening mind will relate to all sentient beings from a perspective of compassion, [will] see the value and preciousness of each living being...By pursuing the ethics of compassion, the individual will attain freedom from unenlightened mind."

I can't argue with that. His statement makes me feel like pure shit.

So, because I genuinely care about the other bloggers I have criticized (even though I thought I was doing it humorously)...they were hurt...I don't want them to feel hurt...I deleted all those entries. I'm still not clear on the ethics of when to be critical, when to be sarastic, when to be bitchy. There's much hypocrisy involved, that still hasn't been clarified. There are benefits to being a "snarky cunt" (thanks to 'you know who' for that fabulous term) because we let off steam, and hopefully open ourselves to intimacy.

I can't say I won't ever be sarcastic, critical and bitchy again. That's my right (and it's so much fun and satisfying!) But for today, this is the right decision for me. Let me know what you think!