Do we really ever understand someone else?

It's 3:30am. I awoke from deep sleep with an insight.

I think it's difficult for me to understand other people because I have not lived their experiences. For example, with BC, with both had similarities in our childhoods: for example, we both were sensitive and had a difficult time with peers, being called "fag" at times and not feeling like we really fit in. But on the other hand, our childhood was extremely different. I had a strong family and felt very loved by them: whereas he had a terrible family life, grew up with an emotionally dependent single mother who leaned on him, and had an absent, alcoholic and womanizing father who was emotionally distant. I don't think I'll ever understand his experience and how it affected him.

I was treated by my family, peers and teachers as though I was very talented and bright. BC didn't do well in school, wasn't considered bright by his teachers and I doubt that his parents ever made him feel like he could be accomplished at things. While I had and still have my own lack of confidence, I realize now it is quite minimal compared to BC. I rarely feel intimidated by other people in any way, whereas BC I realize, with hindsight, often felt less than others. He would have anxiety attacks and never felt comfortable being himself with his co-workers. If he had to speak in a group, he literally would freeze.

I always admired BC because his skills were so different from mine. He knew how to fix cars, do carpentry, repair household appliances, be patient with others, and was capable of being methodical and consistent. I held his skills and abilities with high regard. I'm not very impressed with academic and worldly knowledge - having lived in that world for so long, I think most of it is hot air. I'm more impressed with someone who knows how to replace windshield wipers (I bought new ones five months ago but don't have a clue how to put them on) than I am with someone who has a Master's degree (I did that, have been there, and it means very little, other than you know how to play the academic game).

But perhaps in BC's mind, and in BC's world - everyone he grew up with, including his family were uneducated and it was taken for granted that you knew how to do carpentry and fix cars. It was as simple to him, as doing research and writing papers was for me. BC, I now realize, didn't value his ability to do blue-collar type work, as much as I did. He probably didn't realize how highly I valued his skills, because to him they were common.

It appeared that his mind worked a lot more slowly than mine at times, but I honestly think it was because he obsessed a lot about what other people thought of him at work. BC hid his anxiety, and it was only until you got to know him very well did you find out that this was going on in his mind. He had difficulty going to sleep and staying asleep because he went over and over his behaviour, his problems, how was he going to resolve this problem or that problem without getting anyone mad at him. I never bother to obsess about other people's feelings. I assume that people like me, are fine with me, unless they tell me directly otherwise. Even then, I don't take a lot of responsibility for other people's feelings about me unless I've done something obviously hurtful that is against my own value system. Then I apologize sincerely, do my best not to repeat it, and then I'm over it.

The other aspect that made BC seem 'slow' is it took him a while to figure out how he felt and thought about things. This made him very non-reactive, which is a positive quality, but it also made him very unclear about where he stood on issues. Because he cared so much about what other people thought of him, it made it difficult for him to disagree with others, or hold a different opinion for them, for fear of not being liked. If a transaction happened between him and someone else that upset him, he didn't realize it while it was happening. He would just feel confused. So he'd spend the next two days trying to figure out why he was feeling confused and anxious. Then he'd realize he was angry and spend the next few days trying to overcome his anger (internally), and trying to come up with the perfect plan, that wouldn't offend anyone, and would resolve the conflict. Finally - sometimes it would take a week, a month or a year - he would talk to the person about the situation in the kindest and gentlest manner possible, so that often the other person with whom he had the conflict didn't understand the depth of his feelings about the situation. And he received very little resolution.

On the other hand, I always know how I feel and stand on an issue. There is no lack of clarity. If I think that someone has stepped over my boundaries, been obviously unkind and it is important to me - I know right away. I've taught myself to try to think it over for a few hours at least to make sure I'm being as objective as I can be, and then I directly speak to the person. Most often, I tell that person right away that they have crossed my boundaries. If it's a situation that has happened once or twice, I usually am very calm and kind about the way I do this. But when it happens more than twice, then I'm not kind. I'm direct and don't mince words. If someone has been insensitive to me more than twice, I am not sensitive to their feelings. I don't care at this point if they're hurt or angry with me.

I realize I never truly understood BC. I have some insight now. A year later. I tried to support him, make him understand how I admired him, and valued his talents and skills. I listened to his feelings and cared about them. But I guess it doesn't matter. If he didn't value his own talents and skills or his feelings, how could appreciate that I did? On the other hand I probably didn't value his feelings and needs, because he wasn't able to express them to me clearly and directly. When he tried to tell me, it was often so long after the fact, that it didn't seem relevant any more. And BC was always conflicted and confused about how he felt and what he thought, and it took him so long to be able to figure it out. And by the time he did, his actions were hurtful to me.

He stayed with me so long because it took him so long to figure out how he felt about me. As I have written before, I was incredibly happy with him, we had great times together, there were so few conflicts and I had no idea there was anything wrong in our relationship. Then out of the blue, he broke up with me, using the excuse, "We're not having enough sex." He hid his whole thought process with me - he did it in his own head, until he awkwardly came to the conclusion that I wasn't right for him. In the meantime he was loving, present and generous.

I have some empathy for BC. But ultimately, do I like the way he handles things? Do I admire his obsessive concern with other people's feelings about him...which causes him internal confusion and anxiety...an inability to make decisions and be clear about where he stands?

No, I don't.

And to be honest, I don't have the patience to abide his process. My impatience mades me uncaring and unkind.

So, I guess this is what happened.