Rules for Dating and Breaking-Up
After reading EasyOver's new blog, it made me reflect on my own rules for dating...and breaking-up. Here's my wisdom after four major breakups.

1. Never date a man who's just getting out of a relationship. Wait ONE year.
This is, unfortunately, a truism, that I learned after being with Les. I was young and innocent when I got involved with him after his long-term relationship ended, and although I knew better, I still thought "it would be different with us." Instead it was a classic "rebound" relationship. I now know it takes time for a guy to regain his sense of singular identity. At first it's scary to be alone, and then when he meets someone he connects with and has a sexual attraction, he clings onto the situation. Rebound relationships rarely last more than three or four months.

I also wait at least a year, after getting out of a relationship, before I consider dating and meeting someone. Otherwise I'm just not mentally, spiritually or physically ready to get intimately involved with a guy. I suppose if someone connects intimately with others very superficially, they can get involved, but I'm not one of those people. Nor would I want to date someone like that (although I have).

2. If my partner breaks up with me, end all relations - IMMEDIATELY - for at least a year. Don't try to be friends.
I have yet to follow this advice, but after my last break-up, I hope I've learned my lesson once and for all. It's far too painful and messy, otherwise. I go through all the classic symptoms - denial, negotiation, depression...before I come to acceptance. And getting to acceptance takes me at least a year.

With denial - I don't believe they don't want to be with me. It's nearly incomprehensible to me. In fact, I've laughed when they've told me this.

With negotiation - I think, "Well, if I change this or that, will you stay with me?" I've also played manipulative games, such as working out like crazy, getting a great hair cut, dressing so I look hot, being on my best behaviour, so when I get together with my ex, under the guise of being "friends," I'm actually hoping to seduce him so that he gets back with me. I've always done well at this - seducing my ex-boyfriends. They have always ended up having sex with me, regularly, after we've broken up (against their better judgement) but then the ex always ends up meeting someone else within a few months and dumps me altogether. Plus I have to go through the intense jealousy, anger, occassional messy dramas and it just ends up making ME look bad. And desperate.

In the future, I promise to end all relations immediately. Without being angry and guilt provoking. Simply stating that, "I need to be alone for a year to deal with my feelings, so that I don't dump them on you." With the option to be friends, a year later. This would be so much more civilized, and also help me to get over him, sooner, instead of drawing it out for another six months or a year.

3. Keep strict boundaries - don't discuss the situation with friends you have in common with your ex-boyfriend.
This one I've always been pretty good at, I admit. When I've gotten into a relationship, our individual friends tend to mix, and we become friends with each other's friends. But when the relationship ends, I never discuss the situation with his friends (although they were mine while we were together). Likewise, my friends never discuss the situation with him. This is really important, because otherwise gossip spreads, and you put others into the situation of having to be on "my side" or "his side." This is unfair and ruins friendships. Also, once I've gotten to the "acceptance stage" a year later, I'd like to be on good terms with his friends again.

The truth is, no one is fully right or wrong once a relationship ends. Fortunately I've always had mature enough friends to realize this, and they respect the boundaries, as do I, by not discussing the situation.

I think this summarizes the key points. If I think of anything else, I'll update this entry.