Sunday, May 18, 2003

My attempts at being an escort

I'm a little complicated. A little conflicted. On the one hand, I'm a sweet, loving, kind and moral guy, raised by a minister. I like monogamy in a relationship. On the other hand, I always wanted to be the kind of guy who was non-monogamous, could engage in casual sexual relationships, enjoy sex as a physical workout and be non-attached.

I tried my best to be unattached, and casually sexual. I did affirmations that stated, "Sex is good, free and the more comfortable I feel with my sexuality, the better experiences I can have." I tried to implement the philosophy that, "Sex is fun, it's not serious, it's playtime and let me enjoy it without conscience." I did this because the guys I fell in love with seemed to have this philosophy, without trying hard to create it. I thought I was the dysfunctional one. I became jealous. Attached. They didn't. And "they" had great sex, all the time, without guilt. So I wanted to be like "them." It would be so much easier if I could just have sex, and not feel connected or committed. I would have more fun.

So I tried to train myself. Since I look like a porno actor, I tried to make myself into one. I went to South Beach, Florida, with a girlfriend, one January. She made her living being a 'dancer.' She made tons of money. I decided to try it myself, because I needed money, and wanted to get over my boyfriend "Les." I danced on a platform at all the gay pubs and dance clubs; I danced for money stuffed down my undies; I met all the 'up-and-comers' in pornos trying to 'make it;' these hot guys flogged their dicks for me; old guys tried to suck me; I learned how to use a ripped up condom as a cock ring to stay hard. I did all that. And honestly - it did not turn me on in the least. I'm not a stripper or a porn star.

I remember one 'talent agent' looking me over carefully, stripping me down to nothing; examining every inch of me; and deciding I wasn't porn star material. He could 'feel' my hesitation and indecision.

I came back to Vancouver, and ended up with a 'massage' agency. I'm good at massages, so I guess my clients got their money's worth. I let them suck my cock. I didn't suck theirs. Nor, did I let them fuck me. So I didn't make a lot of extras, like some of the guys. What was cool was - I always got the good-looking guys. When a new client showed up, we'd line up like Miss America, and they'd choose. I was always picked. Unless I was unavailable.

I had guys who were mostly straight and guys who wanted a good looking guy. I tried my best to get turned on. I read my graduate readings in-between guys. I brought my masters level books to read, in-between clients. I tried my best. I did okay. But I'm a one-man guy, I guess. I learned that. I'll no longer apologize for being monogamous. I don't want to share my lover. I've tried my best: but I can't. I won't. Sorry.

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