Finding Mr. Right - Part 2

At his trendy downtown Vancouver office a couple of weeks later, I sit facing Earl, the psychologist, in a cozy couch designed to make me confess. He has a clipboard and pen in hand, and his practiced professional demeanour makes me feel like I am in a therapy session.

“I’d like to get to know you more. Select from this list of adjectives those which you feel apply to yourself,” Earl says.

He hands me a sheet with over 100 words on it. I scan through them, and feel overwhelmed. First and foremost, I hate labeling myself. Secondly, when I consider “patient” or “argumentative” I have to think about the differing points of view people have about me. My ex-boyfriends would say, “argumentative,” but my students would say, “patient.” Am I moral? Compared to whom? And so on. So I mention this to Earl.

“Just choose a word based on your first impulse,” he says.

I'm getting a headache.

Earl then has me select adjectives based on other categories, such as: “When you have a conflict with another person, how do you tend to react?” followed by “When your parents have a conflict, how do they deal with it?” or "What birth order are you placed in?” He also asks, “What are your sleeping habits” and “How do you maintain your household?”

“What are the qualities you desire in a partner?” I couldn’t help thinking that if I knew all this about myself, I wouldn’t have paid $1500 for a matchmaker. Perhaps I need a therapist, not matchmaker.

Then we get to the “sexually transmitted diseases” category for which he has a huge list. Somehow I’ve never had any of them even though I test regularly. I have had those cricket things. Those - what are they called again? I think I got them from trying on bathing suits in a department store.

Then we get down to the base information. “How large is your cock? Are you cut or uncut? What do you prefer in a partner?" and finally, "How would you describe your body - slim, athletic, muscular or large?” Can't you tell by looking at me? I think.

If it isn’t for Earl’s experienced therapist manner, I would feel highly invaded by his interview. It's exhausting. And somehow I am paying for this experience.