Sunday, May 25, 2003

Growing Up

The Cocaine Thing: After staying up all night and all day from doing that small line of cocaine, I realize I'll never do it again. I really don't understand how anyone could become addicted to it. It's the worst high I've ever experienced. It's like being on speed (I think...I've never done speed). It feels awful. It's not pleasurable in the least. I didn't eat all day. I found myself wringing my hands - which I never do. And tilting my head with every thought - do you know what I mean?

I did have a friend who became a cocaine addict, and he described to me that it made him feel powerful, charismatic, confident. He basically sold his soul to get more of that feeling. Maybe I'm already those things so it doesn't affect me that way. Instead it makes me way too alert, unable to sleep, my whole mind/body races and it's awful. I'm a laid back type of guy and I like being that way. No more for me, thank you.

The Date: I met RA for coffee, at Kits Beach. I had an amazing time with him. He's my third "Finding Mr. Right" guy. We have a lot in common. Because my father's a minister, and RA was highly involved in the church throughout his life, we could relate on that level. He spent most of his life working for non-profit organizations, helping the less fortunate, from the Vancouver street scene to building houses for Mexicans in Mexico, to organizing camps for Christian teens to being an elder in the church. He's incredibly sweet, shy, honest, open, cute, interesting, warm, lovely, intimate, masculine, moralistic and maintains respectful boundaries - all that shit. All that stuff I've always wanted in a guy. Again, he reminds me of my father, who is probably the best man in the world that I've ever met. Yet he's also realistic, has experimented with casual sex, isn't a prude, has come out to his family, his co-workers and friends. We had coffee, then walked around the beaches for an hour and a half, talking. This is my favourite thing to do.

So what's the problem, you ask?

Why can't I have a 'babe', with a hot athletic body, who's young looking (like me) who also has all his qualities? Someone with youngish looks, a curvaceous tight bod, someone who I can't wait spending all my time in bed with him? Unfortunately, with RA, I feel like having a good friendship with him. A very important, intimate relationship, yes, but hot wild sex? Nope. Do I feel like treating him with ultimate respect and reverence? Yes. Do I want to honour him in every way? Yes? Do I want to shove him down on a bed, naked, and take him? No. Do I want him to do that to me? No.

I'm not getting any younger. So I can't waist time experimenting with another lover. And I must admit, I've never met someone with such a similar background to mine, and with experiences that I can relate to. If we were partners, I'm sure it would be forever - he's that type of guy. But I'm afraid, I'm not into him physically. It leaves me very conflicted. It makes me miss BC.

I've decided - I will meet up with him a couple more times to see if there's any sexual interest. I'm definitely attracted to who he is. But sexually? Not so far. I will not get involved if there's no raw sexual interest. (Actually, when I typed that last sentence, I imagined kissing him for the first was kind of nice.) I am conflicted. Maybe warmth, trust, respect and admiration are more important in the long run? I hate growing up.

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