Friday, May 02, 2003

Missing him

I'm missing BC. I'm sitting here on a Friday night, alone, feeling sad. Crying a little. Wondering if I made a big mistake in letting BC go. It's been four months already. I was really depressed for the first 1.5 months, felt better after, and now this May I'm feeling sad again.

I miss how comfortable I felt with him. We didn't even need to speak at times, because we "knew" each other. Everyone told us we had similar "energy." On one of our first dates, we were having dinner together and a woman at the next table asked if we were brothers, because our "energy" was so similar.

I admit I didn't treat him well all the time. I feel guilty about this now. I was so afraid of becoming attached to him, because he didn't want a monogamous or long term relationship. So I tried to distance myself at times from him. A part of me always was afraid of when he'd end our relationship. So I never felt entirely safe.

Of course I did become attached anyway.

I wonder... if I had treated him consistently better, would he have wanted a long term relationship with me?

To be honest, he wasn't relationship material for me. I'm beginning to remember the things I didn't like. His lack of commitment. Always late. Afraid to show affection in public. Afraid to invite me to straight friend's parties, in case someone realized he was gay. His obsessive worrying over his work, what people thought of him at work. His promiscuity and the dozens of guys all over he could hook up with and have sex with. He wasn't terribly intelligent, either, academically. It was hard for him to meet me on the same level of conversation.

He was a bit of a crazymaker I guess. On the one hand, he treated me like the best lover and friend you can imagine. On the other hand, he didn't. We had so much fun together - camping, staying at b&b's, exploring the islands, hiking, going to Maui, having friends over for dinner, watching movies on his futon, washing our cars, changing our oil, me showing him the computer. He has a beautiful voice, soothing, calming, gentle. He was a great lover. All my friends loved him, his friends liked me.

I've gotten into this horrible fantasy that he'll call me this month.

But he's got a new boyfriend, who's really nice, I've heard. He's moved on.

Why's it so difficult? I wish it was easier to hate him, and realize he's a bad choice. It's too complicated. He's one of the nicest men, one the best relationships I've ever had, and I have too many loving and beautiful memories, and it makes it hard for me to let go.

I'm worried that I won't meet anyone as good ever again.

Wherever you are BC, I love you. And I'm sorry.


I know I always feel this way with ex-boyfriends. I go through this process every time. Yet I always meet someone new, someone wonderful, perhaps someone closer to wanting to commit.

I need to get my life in order. Continue to work out, exercise, do things I love like cycling, hiking, traveling. I need to focus on getting more contract work, opening myself to meeting new friends, creating new and interesting experiences, staying healthy, eating healthy, journaling, being the kind of guy I'd like to be with. It's a lot of work. I need to believe it's worth the effort.

I need to remember I'm a good guy.

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