Sweet Surrender

I spent the day on one of the tiny scattered islands off the coast, beside the Sea-to-Sky Highway which leads to Whistler. There are hundreds of them, some uninhabited, like the one I was on. It was already dark, raining but still warm, when she and I left the beach and got onto our raft to drift back home to Vancouver.

She is beautiful, slim and athletic, with long dark brown hair and deep, expressive eyes. She is polished looking. I feel very close to her. The full moon shines between drifting, moody clouds, casting a glint onto the gentle waves of the stream which lead south. At one point we lay down, next to each other, talking, looking at each other. She leans into me, and I into her, and we begin kissing. I'm drawn into the romantic, caring and heartfelt passion I feel from her, and that I feel for her. It feels so awesome and natural. We kiss for what seems like timeless ages. I see the moistness in her eyes as she looks at me, look at her olive beautiful skin and lean in for more.

I bolt awake! What the f*ck? I look at the clock and it's 3 am. Why am I dreaming of kissing romantically with a woman? A woman I don't even know, but even more - I'm gay, right? I'm so upset I throw myself out of bed, down the stairs, and sit outside on the step trying to recover. I go over the dream in my head... I admit it was incredibly sexy, intimate and lovely. See - I am gay. Straight men don't use the word "lovely," unless they're from England and at least 35 years old.

I calm down enough to go back to sleep. In the morning, I ask my new GAY roommate if he ever has dreams about having sex or romance with a woman. He said, "No." And looked at me like, "Where are you going with this, girlfriend?"

So far, no gay man has e-mailed me to tell me that they have, on occasion, these very queer heterosexual dreams. So am I turning straight or something? Have I given up on men? Gay men don't turn straight - I've never heard about it, read about it, except from those false rumours from Christian brainwashing guilt-trip therapies. My best woman friend was a lesbian when I met her - now she is a committed heterosexual. But that doesn't happen to gay men. I really don't need sexual identity anxiety right now, to add to all my other anxieties, thank you Universe.

Actually, it would be hilarious if I was straight, because I doubt any straight female would ever think I was hetero. I'm too pretty. So it wouldn't be any better for me than dating gay men. I still wouldn't 'get lucky.' By getting lucky, I don't mean sex... I can get that from men. But you know...

Anyway, this is all hypothetical because the last thing I want to do is...be confronted by the big "V." It might swallow me whole.