Sunday, June 01, 2003

Reading other people's diaries

"What could be better than reading other people's diaries?" I say to friends, when I tell them about blogging. I want to read your secrets. I want to see beyond the mask you present to the world. I admit, I've sneaked into other people's diaries in my past. But I also learned not to do this, without permission.

Sure, I read my sisters' diaries. They were always red, with a tiny key that I found underneath their mattress. I got to know them as real human beings, as a result. Did it change my opinion of them? Yes. It made me love them more.

Reading other people's diaries told me what they really thought of me. They're too 'chicken shit' to tell me to my face, so instead, they write it in their diary. They're too lame to act on their opinion: instead, they write it in their journal, then speak pleasantly to my face.

I have to admit: I broke into an ex-lover's journal, without his permission. This is how I learned NEVER to read a diary, without permission. I don't want to hear your shit about me. I'll end up hating you. I guess we all need to vent, and a diary is a good place to do that. So venting isn't the truth - it's a side of us. But what I did was...

I did a google search for breaking passwords. I found a program that would help me to break the password on his computer, to which I could not get access to his MS Word diaries. The program told me his password was 11 characters, and nothing more. I wandered around wondering what his password is. Then it came to me...his password. Out of the blue. It was like I was psychic or something. The password hit me on the side of my head and said, "Hello...this is the password. Are you deaf or something?"

So I typed in the 11 character word and got access to his innermost thoughts about me and himself. I'll never do that again. I don't want to hear your innermost thoughts, thank you.

Let me share one of his journal entries with you, anonymous readers. I've kept these "old files" just for the opportunity this gives me:

From the Stone Angel:
"It seems that Intertextual is pulling away because of how he feels. There is othing that I can do about this but I feel like if I am honest in how I am feeling then he pulls away, so I am being punished for being honest. There is nothing I can do about it. I wantt o be friends with him and nothing mre. If he has feelings for me then he needs to dealw ith them andit sems that he can’t be friends only. That is sad. But thereis nothng that I can do about it. I was and am feeling slightly responsible but I am not. I need to be true tomyself and that it is that. if it is toomuch for him, then he needs to consider whether he wants this friendship to continueor not. I thinkhe does but at the same time he is finding it toomuch. I don’t know but then I should be worried about me and not him. That is the weakness that I have. I am always worried abut what other people say or think or feel./ while that is good, it is too overwhelming at times. I can and should onlybe considering how I am feeling about something. I think rather than filtering my angry right now I should justput it out and see what happens. Swearing and stuff might make me feel better, it may not be directed at anyone but at the same time it may feel great to get it out so here goes. Fuck I hate this fucking feeling. Ia m fucking pissed off and pissed opff at people. Why the fuck should I have to worry about them and the fucking compnay. Why the fuck do I get stuck doing things when the other fuckers don’t. this is not fucking fair. Fucking L. is taking more time off thani have so fuck her. I am fucking taking some time off tomake up for the time that she has. Fuck this. And fuck Intertextual. If he is too fuckingimmature to deal with this in a fucking mature mannenr then fuck him. Fuck fuck fuck. Thatis all I have to say. Thisis feeling good. Fuck that. fuck, I meanhe thinks we are so perfect and we aren’t. fuck that. I put up with his fucking boundary isue and fucking times he tries to cross it I push him back and this bother shim. He is not that great with boundaries. Wheni fucking try to draw them, he pushes back and attacks. Fuck him that is his issue, not mine. Fuck this why the fuck do I have to suffer because of hislack of boundaries. Fuck that. I know what the fuck he is doing and it is the sameold thing with that asshole. When he doesn’t get his way, the other person is punished. Andi am being punished for not being what he wants. For setting up boundaires, he is feeling rejected, andin so doing he is ounishing me but withdrawing. Well fuck him. If he can’t del with it and if he sees it as rejection then that is something that he should be jounralling about. this is so fucking stupid. He says that he is so together and at the same fcking time he has issues that needs to dealw ith and he doesn’t. this is not fucking fair to me. I mean when he was goingon his date, I tried to be supportiveof him but at the same time when it came time for me, he wasn;t andisn;t supportive. Fuck that! is that fair? I think fucking not! Thatis something that he should realize and recognize and workon. Will he? I donlt know. he spouts off about being so in touch and connected to his feelings but does he realize whathe does with them. He is still dealing with withdrawl and punishment. I meaen thisis something that I do but I am dealing with it., I try not to withdraw at all and not interpret it as rejection. I am being pounished ofr beinghonest. It kills me that he wants to know honestly and all of that and yet at the same time when you are, he punishes you byt actinglike he is acting. It begs the question, how honest should I be? Fuck I hate that. you know some times trying to discuss things rationally doesn’t help. This expression of emtotion is great at this point.t his is exactly what I need to do and say. Fuck I am angry at people. But that is ok. Angry is a good thing and can be. It is allowingme to realize how I am feeling and maybe why as well. it is showing me how to draw up the boundaries that I want and how to go abut enforcing them. So there that feels much better. the anger iss till there somewhat buit less so and that was the goal. To identify the anger and deal with it. yesterday I was talking about loiving myself more and first and by expressing howi am feeling I allowed myself to feel. And by feelingi am loving myself. I should not feel bad for how other people feel unless it was intentionally done to hurt them and this isn’t the case. He is feeling the way he is feeling and it has nothing to do with anything that I have done. It shows me that I am progressed and while I find that he may be a hypocrite. Maybe not intentionally but one all the same. He needs to see how he is reating and maybe I can try and do this but I know he will react to it. the best thingis to be honest with myself here and let it go. If he has a reaction then he an deal with it. I am not the ne responsible for his feelings. If he can’t then I guess we will have to visit the question at that time. I want to be friends and only friends. He wants more and can t beonly friends, and so I am then puiished for this. Is this fair? I don’t think so. And that is what pisses me off. He wants honesty and when I am honest he then recoils and fights back y being punititve. This is not fair. He has done many things to me andi havenot punished hi the way that he is punishing me. I should I guess. But I don’t want to. Il ike his friendship and vlue it but then in loving myself, it begs the question, is this someone I want in mylifwe who continually punishes me for things that I do in my life if it hurts him? I need to consider that. a friend is one who is there for you and I don’t get that feeling from him. His friendship is conditonal and what kind of friendship is that. not a healthy one that is for sure. anyway while I amprocessing this I amlearning that I amlovingmyself by processing it and dealing with how I am feeling about it. while I still have alittle anger inside it is almost gone now but tstill I am angry that I haveto process this at all. Fuck hm and fuck his bullshit aboutbeing open and honest. He is being mean, that is what it is and nah nah nah, I think calvin and hobbs have it right in how they react to that. I deserve better than that! way more so if he continues doing this then I wll need to consider not being friends withhim. This is so silly and the thing is this is whyi don’t want to bew ith him because everything, still, is cnditonal withhim. Iknow that he wanting to take me out for dinner is goingto be cnditonal and that is why I have a hard time accepting and being able to enjoy it. I cow how he is goingto react. At the emotional level he is goingto think that "well look at what I amd ong I am such anice guy and he didn’t do this for me and I\t will come up. I know that. I can feel it that is why I would rather not do it but thenif I don’t then he will react again and interpret it as rejection. I wish he would work on this but he hasn’t. not yet. At least I am dealing with it or tryingto. But I guess all of this is a senseof rejection on my part. He is rejectingme because I am putting him off with his advances. Iw ish he could get it together so that we could be friends and soon too. In the mean time I guess this is what I have to dealw ith. And I amlearning more and more about me in the process. but I would like to concentrate for awhile on hopw tol ive myself better and better. by doing this I know thati am learning how to love me more and more but at the same time I am learning that I have anger and that anger is ok. This has been good for me. while it is a pain at the same timeit is a learning process ofrme. And that is cool. Ok now back to loving me,. by allowing myself to exp[ress how I am feeling with out editing what I want to say has been great. thatis a way to lvoe myself more."

So that's a little dose of why I will NEVER read someone's diary again, without his or her permission. I also want to say, "Fuck you, Stone Angel." That's all.

Almost. By the way, Stone Angel ended up meeting his perfect love, and is together with him to this day. Isn't life fair?

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