Small Town Celibacy



[Picture: At the bottom of the coulees of Lethbridge]

One thing I really dislike about Lethbridge is that it has put a complete end to my sex life. If there are gay people here, I don't have a clue where to find them. There's a few online, but the majority are unattractive old men. Long gone are the days of going online and hooking up with a hot guy within an hour, like it was in Vancouver.

Apparently there are "gay dances" once a month at the Polish Centre here, but only from September to May, when the university kids are in town for school. I've heard that everyone stands around nervously giggling like at a high school dance. I can't imagine the music would be any good either.

There are no coffee shops or mixed dance clubs in this city to meet other gay men. Apparently the trails down by the coulees are frequented, but again, mostly with older men, and that scene just isn't my style.

Then it seems when you do meet someone for a coffee, or online, you end up knowing their entire social network. It becomes very messy. Long gone are the days of hooking up with someone once or twice, and never running into them, or their friends, again.

It could be my own projection, but I also get the impression that because the gay people here live in a small town, they're a lot more sensitive. They actually have feelings - you can hurt them if you turn them down, or don't want to see them again, or possibly even just have bad sex. And because you know where they work, or who their friends are, or go to the same university, or your sister is married to one of their cousins, or you go to the same church - there's just no getting away from the situation. You have to be accountable for all your actions here. One bad word from some gay guy you meet to another gay guy in Lethbridge, and your reputation is tarnished. People will whisper behind your back. Because people's lives here are so dull, it becomes the discussion du jour around the water cooler.

I met a cute young kid, 20, for a possible hook up the other day. We met for coffee, and after talking for an hour, I realized I just couldn't have sex with him. Not because I didn't want to, or that he was unattractive: it was because I was afraid of hurting his feelings. He tried to put on a good "front" - as though he was casual about sex and hook ups. But part of me didn't buy it. Because there are so few options here, I imagine gay guys fall in love with someone new at the drop of a hat. They're just so relieved to have met someone who shares their sexuality that they're not terribly picky.

In addition, he happened to know quite a few people that I know, and with whom I will have to interact with regularly over the upcoming year. I could imagine that if I had sex with him, then didn't bother to contact him again, how rejected and hurt he'd feel, and how he'd tell all those people we both know.

I can understand why so many gay men in Lethbridge travel to Calgary regularly, just to "get some." I'm going to have to make several trips in the upcoming months.

Another guy I've chatted with online for a few months is bisexual (and he probably reads this, so stop reading now!). Like many bisexual men, he wanted to be assured of complete confidentiality, even down to the fact that if we saw each other around town we wouldn't say hello to one another. That surprised me: while this situation never came about for me in Vancouver (because it's so large) I thought, "What's the big deal with saying hello?" But after talking more, we discovered that we'd be working out at the same gym eventually, and if I saw him, I'd have to pretend I didn't know him. Apparently he is well known in Lethbridge, and doesn't want to risk anyone knowing that he fools around with other men. Not being able to acknowledge one another's presence, even just by saying, "Hello," disturbed me. It didn't sit right with me - especially if we had fooled around together and been intimate. And it pisses me off that he'll be working out at the same gym as myself, meaning that I'll probably have to deal with the situation. So at this point in time, I'm very split as to whether or not we should hook up. We haven't yet.



I really don't know how gay men manage to live in such a small town. I can't wait to leave. Man, do I ever miss getting together with Brad. Not just because of his looks - I felt like we really connected on some level. But I haven't heard or seen from him in over a month. Some guy, the same age as Brad, committed suicide last week by jumping off the High Level Bridge [see image above]. They didn't release his name in the paper - I hope it wasn't Brad.

Who knows, it might be me soon!