*Sigh.* I'm a pathetic gay guy right now. Still trying to get over an ex, even though it's a year ago, or more. Some of us gay guys take a long time to get over an ex. Others, take no time at all. I'm not one of them. I've had two major dreams about BC in the last month. Perhaps because it's our "anniversary."

The first was a simple dream. I saw his 6'2" body cuddled up against mine, face to face, naked. I felt his warmth; his long legs kneeled against my body; his hairy chest pressed against my hairless chest. He was nuzzled into me, totally comfortable and entirely connected to me. You know that look - comfy, intimate, sexy - he had that. I felt his soul. Then I woke up and realized it was a long time ago. Over a year. So I spilled a tear or two, in the middle of the night. Tried to forget, and go back to sleep.

*Sad.* Isn't it?

Then I had another dream in which we were *buddies.* The details escape me. But we did our escapes to the Gulf Islands, in bed and breakfast inns, waking up together, sharing our day together, joking with each other in those private but significant ways. Feeling like buddies. Gosh, gee, it felt great!

So I woke up, felt all those deep memories of being buddy-boys, then after a few minutes of revelling in those feelings, told the feelings to fuck off - once I realized how sentimental I was being in my dream.

He's gone. He's passed on. I need to move on. It's over! I'm glad it's over. He wasn't what I needed. My intellect turns on. It's odd, isn't it, how the heart and the head are in conflict... I wish they were more in congruence. But I told myself, I don't want more dreams like this.

Maybe my dreams are a reminder of what I can have with a man. With someone who does love me.

It's hard to love someone, who doesn't love you back.