How to Say "No"
After reading three of my favourite blogs I am rather shocked and disappointed by these guys' ability to say, "no." They would rather appear as "nice guys" rather than be "honest." Think about that statement for a minute. Isn't a nice guy someone who is honest?
A nice guy is someone who cares about someone else's feelings. If you really care about someone else's feelings, wouldn't you be honest with him or her? Not lead them on? Making them think you like them, when in reality you don't? The only person your dishonesty is serving is your own. Your own fear of looking like a "bad guy." Morals and ethics aren't based on "how you look" to other people. They're based in on being consistent inside and out with your values. If you fake something you aren't, then you always end up hurting someone else - including yourself, because you've betrayed your own conscience.
I can't think of anything ruder than pretending to be nice to someone, making them think you like them, then not ever calling them again. As I've written in previous blogs, I've had two boyfriends who were so concerned about "how they appear" that they've been dishonest with me, ultimately hurting me way more than if they were direct about their feelings and disinterest. I'd rather someone was "cruel to be kind."
When one blogger mentioned they were at a gay bar, and some drunk guy was coming onto him, he remained polite, even when the drunk guy gave him a sloppy tongue-based kiss as he was leaving. What the fuck is that about? You're afraid to make a scene, because you're afraid of not looking "nice?" Excuse me, but who is not nice in this situation? The drunk guy.
I've been in gay bars, where creepy guys grab my ass, pinch my nipples, grab my waist and push me against them, and even...in line at the bar, where a guy grinds his crotch against my ass. In every instance, I've shoved the guy away and said clearly, "Fuck off." I'm not the one with the rude behaviour - I'm the one with appropriate behaviour. Addaboy got it right - you should almost punch the guy in the face. They're assaulting you.
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
Index Finger vs. Ring Finger
Is your index finger (next to your thumb) longer than your ring finger (next to your pinky)? Or vice versa?
If your ring finger is longer, then you had more testosterone injected into your body in utero. If your index finger is longer, then you had more estrogen.
Personally, I didn't know that these two fingers differed in length. My index finger is definitely shorter than my ring finger, meaning I have more testosterone. Apparently this means I tend to be more competitive and more sexual, therefore less into committed relationships.
Interesting. I'm not sure I believe the research. But it's something to think about.
Is your index finger (next to your thumb) longer than your ring finger (next to your pinky)? Or vice versa?
If your ring finger is longer, then you had more testosterone injected into your body in utero. If your index finger is longer, then you had more estrogen.
Personally, I didn't know that these two fingers differed in length. My index finger is definitely shorter than my ring finger, meaning I have more testosterone. Apparently this means I tend to be more competitive and more sexual, therefore less into committed relationships.
Interesting. I'm not sure I believe the research. But it's something to think about.
Monday, February 23, 2004
Rules for Dating and Breaking-Up
After reading EasyOver's new blog, it made me reflect on my own rules for dating...and breaking-up. Here's my wisdom after four major breakups.
1. Never date a man who's just getting out of a relationship. Wait ONE year.
This is, unfortunately, a truism, that I learned after being with Les. I was young and innocent when I got involved with him after his long-term relationship ended, and although I knew better, I still thought "it would be different with us." Instead it was a classic "rebound" relationship. I now know it takes time for a guy to regain his sense of singular identity. At first it's scary to be alone, and then when he meets someone he connects with and has a sexual attraction, he clings onto the situation. Rebound relationships rarely last more than three or four months.
I also wait at least a year, after getting out of a relationship, before I consider dating and meeting someone. Otherwise I'm just not mentally, spiritually or physically ready to get intimately involved with a guy. I suppose if someone connects intimately with others very superficially, they can get involved, but I'm not one of those people. Nor would I want to date someone like that (although I have).
2. If my partner breaks up with me, end all relations - IMMEDIATELY - for at least a year. Don't try to be friends.
I have yet to follow this advice, but after my last break-up, I hope I've learned my lesson once and for all. It's far too painful and messy, otherwise. I go through all the classic symptoms - denial, negotiation, depression...before I come to acceptance. And getting to acceptance takes me at least a year.
With denial - I don't believe they don't want to be with me. It's nearly incomprehensible to me. In fact, I've laughed when they've told me this.
With negotiation - I think, "Well, if I change this or that, will you stay with me?" I've also played manipulative games, such as working out like crazy, getting a great hair cut, dressing so I look hot, being on my best behaviour, so when I get together with my ex, under the guise of being "friends," I'm actually hoping to seduce him so that he gets back with me. I've always done well at this - seducing my ex-boyfriends. They have always ended up having sex with me, regularly, after we've broken up (against their better judgement) but then the ex always ends up meeting someone else within a few months and dumps me altogether. Plus I have to go through the intense jealousy, anger, occassional messy dramas and it just ends up making ME look bad. And desperate.
In the future, I promise to end all relations immediately. Without being angry and guilt provoking. Simply stating that, "I need to be alone for a year to deal with my feelings, so that I don't dump them on you." With the option to be friends, a year later. This would be so much more civilized, and also help me to get over him, sooner, instead of drawing it out for another six months or a year.
3. Keep strict boundaries - don't discuss the situation with friends you have in common with your ex-boyfriend.
This one I've always been pretty good at, I admit. When I've gotten into a relationship, our individual friends tend to mix, and we become friends with each other's friends. But when the relationship ends, I never discuss the situation with his friends (although they were mine while we were together). Likewise, my friends never discuss the situation with him. This is really important, because otherwise gossip spreads, and you put others into the situation of having to be on "my side" or "his side." This is unfair and ruins friendships. Also, once I've gotten to the "acceptance stage" a year later, I'd like to be on good terms with his friends again.
The truth is, no one is fully right or wrong once a relationship ends. Fortunately I've always had mature enough friends to realize this, and they respect the boundaries, as do I, by not discussing the situation.
I think this summarizes the key points. If I think of anything else, I'll update this entry.
After reading EasyOver's new blog, it made me reflect on my own rules for dating...and breaking-up. Here's my wisdom after four major breakups.
1. Never date a man who's just getting out of a relationship. Wait ONE year.
This is, unfortunately, a truism, that I learned after being with Les. I was young and innocent when I got involved with him after his long-term relationship ended, and although I knew better, I still thought "it would be different with us." Instead it was a classic "rebound" relationship. I now know it takes time for a guy to regain his sense of singular identity. At first it's scary to be alone, and then when he meets someone he connects with and has a sexual attraction, he clings onto the situation. Rebound relationships rarely last more than three or four months.
I also wait at least a year, after getting out of a relationship, before I consider dating and meeting someone. Otherwise I'm just not mentally, spiritually or physically ready to get intimately involved with a guy. I suppose if someone connects intimately with others very superficially, they can get involved, but I'm not one of those people. Nor would I want to date someone like that (although I have).
2. If my partner breaks up with me, end all relations - IMMEDIATELY - for at least a year. Don't try to be friends.
I have yet to follow this advice, but after my last break-up, I hope I've learned my lesson once and for all. It's far too painful and messy, otherwise. I go through all the classic symptoms - denial, negotiation, depression...before I come to acceptance. And getting to acceptance takes me at least a year.
With denial - I don't believe they don't want to be with me. It's nearly incomprehensible to me. In fact, I've laughed when they've told me this.
With negotiation - I think, "Well, if I change this or that, will you stay with me?" I've also played manipulative games, such as working out like crazy, getting a great hair cut, dressing so I look hot, being on my best behaviour, so when I get together with my ex, under the guise of being "friends," I'm actually hoping to seduce him so that he gets back with me. I've always done well at this - seducing my ex-boyfriends. They have always ended up having sex with me, regularly, after we've broken up (against their better judgement) but then the ex always ends up meeting someone else within a few months and dumps me altogether. Plus I have to go through the intense jealousy, anger, occassional messy dramas and it just ends up making ME look bad. And desperate.
In the future, I promise to end all relations immediately. Without being angry and guilt provoking. Simply stating that, "I need to be alone for a year to deal with my feelings, so that I don't dump them on you." With the option to be friends, a year later. This would be so much more civilized, and also help me to get over him, sooner, instead of drawing it out for another six months or a year.
3. Keep strict boundaries - don't discuss the situation with friends you have in common with your ex-boyfriend.
This one I've always been pretty good at, I admit. When I've gotten into a relationship, our individual friends tend to mix, and we become friends with each other's friends. But when the relationship ends, I never discuss the situation with his friends (although they were mine while we were together). Likewise, my friends never discuss the situation with him. This is really important, because otherwise gossip spreads, and you put others into the situation of having to be on "my side" or "his side." This is unfair and ruins friendships. Also, once I've gotten to the "acceptance stage" a year later, I'd like to be on good terms with his friends again.
The truth is, no one is fully right or wrong once a relationship ends. Fortunately I've always had mature enough friends to realize this, and they respect the boundaries, as do I, by not discussing the situation.
I think this summarizes the key points. If I think of anything else, I'll update this entry.
Friday, February 20, 2004
Streakers left out in the cold
SPOKANE, Washington (Court TV) -- A car thief left a trio of streakers in Washington state out in the cold.
Three men who made a racy run through a Denny's restaurant earlier this month were themselves the victims of a keen-eyed customer who apparently made off with the naked men's car -- as well as the clothes they left inside.
The car was later recovered and the streakers do not face criminal charges, police said. But the car thief remains at large.
The three men reportedly stripped down to nothing but their shoes and hats in 20-degree weather on January 14 and proceeded to streak through a warm Denny's restaurant in Spokane.
In hopes of making a quick getaway, one of the pranksters left his blue 1988 Mazda running outside. According to police, another customer in the restaurant noticed the waiting car and drove off with it.
The streakers watched in horror as the car drove away, according to police. They gave chase but were unable to catch up and were forced to huddle nude behind a car in an adjacent parking lot until police arrived.
Several days later the owner of the car recovered his vehicle in a parking lot several miles from the Denny's, according to Spokane police spokesman Dick Cottam.
Authorities believe that car thief drove the vehicle a short distance and abandoned it, but that a second person may have stolen the car again, Cottam said.
The locks were broken and the ignition and radio were ripped out. The original thief would not have had to break into the car because it was left unlocked and running by its streaking owner, Cottam said.
The streakers could have faced charges of indecent exposure or lewd conduct but have not been charged because officers did not witness the incident, and nobody at the restaurant chose to make a complaint, Cottam said.
"They have had sufficient punishment," Cottam said.
SPOKANE, Washington (Court TV) -- A car thief left a trio of streakers in Washington state out in the cold.
Three men who made a racy run through a Denny's restaurant earlier this month were themselves the victims of a keen-eyed customer who apparently made off with the naked men's car -- as well as the clothes they left inside.
The car was later recovered and the streakers do not face criminal charges, police said. But the car thief remains at large.
The three men reportedly stripped down to nothing but their shoes and hats in 20-degree weather on January 14 and proceeded to streak through a warm Denny's restaurant in Spokane.
In hopes of making a quick getaway, one of the pranksters left his blue 1988 Mazda running outside. According to police, another customer in the restaurant noticed the waiting car and drove off with it.
The streakers watched in horror as the car drove away, according to police. They gave chase but were unable to catch up and were forced to huddle nude behind a car in an adjacent parking lot until police arrived.
Several days later the owner of the car recovered his vehicle in a parking lot several miles from the Denny's, according to Spokane police spokesman Dick Cottam.
Authorities believe that car thief drove the vehicle a short distance and abandoned it, but that a second person may have stolen the car again, Cottam said.
The locks were broken and the ignition and radio were ripped out. The original thief would not have had to break into the car because it was left unlocked and running by its streaking owner, Cottam said.
The streakers could have faced charges of indecent exposure or lewd conduct but have not been charged because officers did not witness the incident, and nobody at the restaurant chose to make a complaint, Cottam said.
"They have had sufficient punishment," Cottam said.
Sunday, February 08, 2004
Update on Kevan the Hottie
I went onto gaydar.com and saw Kevan67 online, yesterday. He hadn't responded to my email. So I decided to give him a message and say hello. "Hey bud, did you get my email?"
I got a message back, saying that he hadn't. He also sent me a face pic - he's very handsome. He's got red hair, green eyes, beautifully shaped eyes, nose, mouth and ears. Everything's real perfect. A nice wide jaw. Close cropped hair. He's amazingly hot, although I'm not into red heads, normally. Now when I look at his body picture (which I have a couple posts down) I see that he has red head. His hair is too light and reddish looking.
So these are a few of our messages:
Kevan: "Well, where do I start... I came out very late, to myself when I was 28/29; to others, when I was about 34. So, still sort of new at this on the one hand. That has accounted for no long term relationships so far, I`d say. What`s important to me is that a guy is `a guy`: masculine, str8 looking and acting and can blend in either crowd, gay or str8. Maybe I`m delusional, or happy enough be myself, but the only guy I`ll ever be with is that str8 gay guy. I know he exists cause I have friends like him, I`m like him and i`ve met them: usually in Spain, Greece or Italy. But almost never hear. If I have met that guy here, he usually does drugs, parties, and so on. If you`re like the guy I`m talking about, let`s meet, by all means."
I told Kevan that I wasn't what he's looking for. I'm not the "str8 gay guy." I'm more like "michael" on Queer as Folk. I also mentioned that he looks Danish, because of his wide jaw, small nose, beautiful blue eyes, nicely shaped lips, and small ears. This is what he replied.
"Actually, make those green eyes (I thought he had blue eyes). I`m half Italian, on my Dad`s side, not from the north, but from the south, where in my opinion, the real Italians are from! But my mom`s dad is from the French part of Switzerland and her mother`s side, way back, is a mix of Irish and English. Long story to explain I look Irish and Italian. My hair is red/blond, eyes are green and yet I have my dad`s families bone structure and physique. And you, you look very handsome. What is your ethnic background? You look pretty smooth. I prefer guys who are moderately hairy. But not that important. Are you Greek? Italian? Spanish? You sort of look it."?
I told him I do look somewhat Italian, with my dark hair and eyes, and tanned skin, but I'm Danish and Russian.
"Yeah, when I travel in Europe, people tend to think I`m German or Danish or Dutch, and, coincidentally, some do say Russian. Anyway, you`re lucky if you`ve met bi guys in my opinion, though most of my friends would disagree. At least they`re men. For the most part, I`ll take them any day over your regular gay guy. I know that`s harsh. But I include myself in that indictment as well. Not sure who Michael is cause I never watch that show; but I think its the one whose mother used to play a cop on an old TV show?? We could meet, Mike. I may yet disappoint you. So, I don`t want to be too smug. ;) And hey, lets look at it this way: I`ve got some very hot str8 looking and acting friends who would probably dig you a lot -- as a trade of course for the phone number of some of those bi guys if we don`t hit it off. Kidding. Let me know if you want to meet. cheers.
I wrote to Kevan:
I`m glad to know that I was "right on" about your looks and Scandanavians. And yes, you got "michael" right from Queer as Folk. Bi-guys can be very hot. Unfortunately, they`re too confused when it comes to relationships with a guy. They like the sex...but not the relationship part. If you`re only into the sex, then you`re happy. But if you want something long term and monogamous, forget it. I did have two three-year long relationships that were monogamous with them though, so that`s okay. And yes, I`d take a bi-guy over a regular gay guy any day, myself. As for getting together, maybe some time. Let`s keep in touch. And no, I wouldn`t introduce you to my ex`s - I`m too jealous to do that. Take care.
So Kevan writes back to me:
Scared you away, did I? ;) Frankness takes that risk. Hope you find what you`re looking for. cheers.
What an idiot! So I wrote back:
No, you didn't scare me away - LOL! Frankness is a quality I appreciate and thank you for. I thought it was obvious there was nothing more happening other than friendship. I say what I mean, and I would like to keep in touch, and perhaps meet up some time. And no, I wouldn't introduce you to my ex's - why would I want to introduce them to someone as hot as you? I'm still into my ex's. Let me know if you still want to keep in touch.
So Kevan wrote back:
Okay. Cool. The "bi ex`s" comment I said very much tongue-in-cheek, by the way. Contact me again some time if you want to meet. cheers - Kevan,
Wow, did he not impress me with his personality. Yuck. I feel like meeting with him, simply to shove my fist into his face. How's that for a str8 gay guy? He'd probably be into it.
Isn't the gay life fun?
I went onto gaydar.com and saw Kevan67 online, yesterday. He hadn't responded to my email. So I decided to give him a message and say hello. "Hey bud, did you get my email?"
I got a message back, saying that he hadn't. He also sent me a face pic - he's very handsome. He's got red hair, green eyes, beautifully shaped eyes, nose, mouth and ears. Everything's real perfect. A nice wide jaw. Close cropped hair. He's amazingly hot, although I'm not into red heads, normally. Now when I look at his body picture (which I have a couple posts down) I see that he has red head. His hair is too light and reddish looking.
So these are a few of our messages:
Kevan: "Well, where do I start... I came out very late, to myself when I was 28/29; to others, when I was about 34. So, still sort of new at this on the one hand. That has accounted for no long term relationships so far, I`d say. What`s important to me is that a guy is `a guy`: masculine, str8 looking and acting and can blend in either crowd, gay or str8. Maybe I`m delusional, or happy enough be myself, but the only guy I`ll ever be with is that str8 gay guy. I know he exists cause I have friends like him, I`m like him and i`ve met them: usually in Spain, Greece or Italy. But almost never hear. If I have met that guy here, he usually does drugs, parties, and so on. If you`re like the guy I`m talking about, let`s meet, by all means."
I told Kevan that I wasn't what he's looking for. I'm not the "str8 gay guy." I'm more like "michael" on Queer as Folk. I also mentioned that he looks Danish, because of his wide jaw, small nose, beautiful blue eyes, nicely shaped lips, and small ears. This is what he replied.
"Actually, make those green eyes (I thought he had blue eyes). I`m half Italian, on my Dad`s side, not from the north, but from the south, where in my opinion, the real Italians are from! But my mom`s dad is from the French part of Switzerland and her mother`s side, way back, is a mix of Irish and English. Long story to explain I look Irish and Italian. My hair is red/blond, eyes are green and yet I have my dad`s families bone structure and physique. And you, you look very handsome. What is your ethnic background? You look pretty smooth. I prefer guys who are moderately hairy. But not that important. Are you Greek? Italian? Spanish? You sort of look it."?
I told him I do look somewhat Italian, with my dark hair and eyes, and tanned skin, but I'm Danish and Russian.
"Yeah, when I travel in Europe, people tend to think I`m German or Danish or Dutch, and, coincidentally, some do say Russian. Anyway, you`re lucky if you`ve met bi guys in my opinion, though most of my friends would disagree. At least they`re men. For the most part, I`ll take them any day over your regular gay guy. I know that`s harsh. But I include myself in that indictment as well. Not sure who Michael is cause I never watch that show; but I think its the one whose mother used to play a cop on an old TV show?? We could meet, Mike. I may yet disappoint you. So, I don`t want to be too smug. ;) And hey, lets look at it this way: I`ve got some very hot str8 looking and acting friends who would probably dig you a lot -- as a trade of course for the phone number of some of those bi guys if we don`t hit it off. Kidding. Let me know if you want to meet. cheers.
I wrote to Kevan:
I`m glad to know that I was "right on" about your looks and Scandanavians. And yes, you got "michael" right from Queer as Folk. Bi-guys can be very hot. Unfortunately, they`re too confused when it comes to relationships with a guy. They like the sex...but not the relationship part. If you`re only into the sex, then you`re happy. But if you want something long term and monogamous, forget it. I did have two three-year long relationships that were monogamous with them though, so that`s okay. And yes, I`d take a bi-guy over a regular gay guy any day, myself. As for getting together, maybe some time. Let`s keep in touch. And no, I wouldn`t introduce you to my ex`s - I`m too jealous to do that. Take care.
So Kevan writes back to me:
Scared you away, did I? ;) Frankness takes that risk. Hope you find what you`re looking for. cheers.
What an idiot! So I wrote back:
No, you didn't scare me away - LOL! Frankness is a quality I appreciate and thank you for. I thought it was obvious there was nothing more happening other than friendship. I say what I mean, and I would like to keep in touch, and perhaps meet up some time. And no, I wouldn't introduce you to my ex's - why would I want to introduce them to someone as hot as you? I'm still into my ex's. Let me know if you still want to keep in touch.
So Kevan wrote back:
Okay. Cool. The "bi ex`s" comment I said very much tongue-in-cheek, by the way. Contact me again some time if you want to meet. cheers - Kevan,
Wow, did he not impress me with his personality. Yuck. I feel like meeting with him, simply to shove my fist into his face. How's that for a str8 gay guy? He'd probably be into it.
Isn't the gay life fun?
Sexual Fantasies
I guess I'm all horned up at the moment, because I'm thinking about sex. And sexual fantasies. This is a topic rarely touched upon by other bloggers, except for Geekslut. But since I'm not stupid enough to tell friends that I have a blog, I am pretty much anonymous (I hope). Really, Todd, what are you thinking, by making your blog public and people knowing who you are? What's the point of blogging then? The fun is in telling the truth, while no one knows who you are.
So, I think most gay men fantasize about sex more than I do. I've gleaned this from conversations I've had with other gay men. I'm not sure why this is - perhaps my puritanical Christian upbringing? Perhaps.
Also, sexual fantasies ebb and flow. They're here today, gone tomorrow. What I fantasize about today is gone tomorrow. So it's hard to get a handle on them. But there are a few moments in time that I remember which are terrific to jerk off to.
After all the sex I had with BC, the one that stands out the most for me is...
I slept overnight with BC, and he was getting ready for work at 7:30am. He took his LONG shower, then was doing his hair in his bathroom mirrors. He was naked, of course - all 6'4" of him, languidly lounging (meaning sitting on his butt) on his bathroom sink. Fussing and combing and gelling his receding hair in the triple mirrors he had installed. His hot, muscular body, hairy chest and legs, and huge dick were just laid there. He looked so cute, and HOT. I wandered over and began sucking his limp dick. He didn't oppose. Within seconds, it became big, his usual 9 - 10" and I gave him a blow job. He was into it, even though he had to leave for work within 5 minutes. I made him cum, and he shot his huge, delicious, sweet cum into my mouth, and I licked up any remaining cummage. He joked, "I guess I don't need to wipe myself off now." He got dressed and went to work.
I'm not sure why that remains in my mind as one of the hottest sexual experiences I've ever had. But it is. If I psychoanalyze it, it has to do with the following...
He wasn't looking for a blow job.
His dick was limp, but I made it hard.
He totally got into being sucked off, even though he was in a hurry.
He would go into work knowing that he had just been sucked off.
He would work all day, knowing he got an amazing blow job on his huge dick.
I know it's not enlightened, but it's the truth. There you go.
The other major sexual fantasy that was fulfilled for me, and lingers in my sexual memory, is with Les.
Les...the guy who looked like a young Mel Gibson, was a top, and had always wanted to fuck me. I wasn't into being fucked. He did it once, in Hawaii, and I didn't enjoy it at all. It felt like he was dominating me, which I didn't like the idea of. I was about 29 years old then.
We had parted for about a year, then we got together again. In the meantime, I had watched porno videos, and tried to sexually fantasize about getting fucked. Being dominated. By Les. (Even though I fantasized about fucking him.)
There is a huge psychological aspect to being a bottom, I'd like to inform you all of. It took me until I was 29 years old to learn how to enjoy being a bottom, and even now, there are difficulties. As long as you can fuck me, I hope to fuck you back. That's how it works with me. I don't understand these 23 year year olds, who call themselves bottoms from the get-go. I was never that way.
Anyway, I went to a waterpark with about 15 gay men one summer. Les was there. I wore my yellow fluorescent bathing suit. We laid out in the sun, and I was doing my best to turn Les on. I ended up driving four gay guys back to Vancouver, and I knew I wanted to get fucked by Les. After dropping off all the other guys, Les invited me back, and I ended up at his beautiful home, in his bedroom, sucking his dick, and I told him, "Fuck me."
After not letting him fuck me for a long time, and not being into it, he was quite surprised. So I was doggy style on his bed, he was standing, and I could see us in the mirrors in his bedroom. I allowed myself, psychologically, to get turned on by the fact that he was "dominating" me. I hate that word. Perhaps "offense" and "defensive" are better words (see coolrelax.blogspot.com). But really, I was being turned on by sticking out my cute butt, and having Les stick it to me!
So, he did, and he felt my cock while fucking me - which was extremely hard. I was enjoying it! He was thrilled to see that my cock was hard. It was one of the hottest sexual thrills of my life. And his too.
We were both hard the whole week, thinking about that sexual interaction. And it required me to change my psychological feeling about the whole event.
It's still challenging for me to be a bottom, but I can enjoy it when I'm willing. So there you go. More than you wanted to know!
I guess I'm all horned up at the moment, because I'm thinking about sex. And sexual fantasies. This is a topic rarely touched upon by other bloggers, except for Geekslut. But since I'm not stupid enough to tell friends that I have a blog, I am pretty much anonymous (I hope). Really, Todd, what are you thinking, by making your blog public and people knowing who you are? What's the point of blogging then? The fun is in telling the truth, while no one knows who you are.
So, I think most gay men fantasize about sex more than I do. I've gleaned this from conversations I've had with other gay men. I'm not sure why this is - perhaps my puritanical Christian upbringing? Perhaps.
Also, sexual fantasies ebb and flow. They're here today, gone tomorrow. What I fantasize about today is gone tomorrow. So it's hard to get a handle on them. But there are a few moments in time that I remember which are terrific to jerk off to.
After all the sex I had with BC, the one that stands out the most for me is...
I slept overnight with BC, and he was getting ready for work at 7:30am. He took his LONG shower, then was doing his hair in his bathroom mirrors. He was naked, of course - all 6'4" of him, languidly lounging (meaning sitting on his butt) on his bathroom sink. Fussing and combing and gelling his receding hair in the triple mirrors he had installed. His hot, muscular body, hairy chest and legs, and huge dick were just laid there. He looked so cute, and HOT. I wandered over and began sucking his limp dick. He didn't oppose. Within seconds, it became big, his usual 9 - 10" and I gave him a blow job. He was into it, even though he had to leave for work within 5 minutes. I made him cum, and he shot his huge, delicious, sweet cum into my mouth, and I licked up any remaining cummage. He joked, "I guess I don't need to wipe myself off now." He got dressed and went to work.
I'm not sure why that remains in my mind as one of the hottest sexual experiences I've ever had. But it is. If I psychoanalyze it, it has to do with the following...
He wasn't looking for a blow job.
His dick was limp, but I made it hard.
He totally got into being sucked off, even though he was in a hurry.
He would go into work knowing that he had just been sucked off.
He would work all day, knowing he got an amazing blow job on his huge dick.
I know it's not enlightened, but it's the truth. There you go.
The other major sexual fantasy that was fulfilled for me, and lingers in my sexual memory, is with Les.
Les...the guy who looked like a young Mel Gibson, was a top, and had always wanted to fuck me. I wasn't into being fucked. He did it once, in Hawaii, and I didn't enjoy it at all. It felt like he was dominating me, which I didn't like the idea of. I was about 29 years old then.
We had parted for about a year, then we got together again. In the meantime, I had watched porno videos, and tried to sexually fantasize about getting fucked. Being dominated. By Les. (Even though I fantasized about fucking him.)
There is a huge psychological aspect to being a bottom, I'd like to inform you all of. It took me until I was 29 years old to learn how to enjoy being a bottom, and even now, there are difficulties. As long as you can fuck me, I hope to fuck you back. That's how it works with me. I don't understand these 23 year year olds, who call themselves bottoms from the get-go. I was never that way.
Anyway, I went to a waterpark with about 15 gay men one summer. Les was there. I wore my yellow fluorescent bathing suit. We laid out in the sun, and I was doing my best to turn Les on. I ended up driving four gay guys back to Vancouver, and I knew I wanted to get fucked by Les. After dropping off all the other guys, Les invited me back, and I ended up at his beautiful home, in his bedroom, sucking his dick, and I told him, "Fuck me."
After not letting him fuck me for a long time, and not being into it, he was quite surprised. So I was doggy style on his bed, he was standing, and I could see us in the mirrors in his bedroom. I allowed myself, psychologically, to get turned on by the fact that he was "dominating" me. I hate that word. Perhaps "offense" and "defensive" are better words (see coolrelax.blogspot.com). But really, I was being turned on by sticking out my cute butt, and having Les stick it to me!
So, he did, and he felt my cock while fucking me - which was extremely hard. I was enjoying it! He was thrilled to see that my cock was hard. It was one of the hottest sexual thrills of my life. And his too.
We were both hard the whole week, thinking about that sexual interaction. And it required me to change my psychological feeling about the whole event.
It's still challenging for me to be a bottom, but I can enjoy it when I'm willing. So there you go. More than you wanted to know!
Saturday, February 07, 2004
Oh, man. I am a slut. Sometimes.
I was watching a pseudo-pornographic movie on tv tonight, and suddenly got very horny. I just wanted a nice, hard dick in my mouth. Do you ever have that sudden craving? It came out of nowhere - I haven't been horny in a long time. So I went onto www.squirt.com, and within 5 minutes was chatting with a guy not far from where I live. He agreed to meet me in my alley, so I could suck him off in my garage. He is 23 years old, 6'4", and an average sized dick. So I waited out in the alley for him, and there he was. A hot looking, masculine dude, with a goatee. Within minutes, we were in my garage, and I pressed him against my car, undid his belt and jeans. We kissed a little, then I went down on his super hard cock. And I sucked him off. Even though he is average sized - he knew how to use it, and made me choke a few times. Even though his hair is more brown than red, his trimmed bush hair was red. He played with my cock too.
He has a profile on www.lesbigay.com - I'd never heard of it before. He's apparently bisexual. Why do I always hook up with bi guys? Hmmm. Something that makes you go hmmm. But I definitely got my much needed craving for cock fulfilled.
Yum.
I was watching a pseudo-pornographic movie on tv tonight, and suddenly got very horny. I just wanted a nice, hard dick in my mouth. Do you ever have that sudden craving? It came out of nowhere - I haven't been horny in a long time. So I went onto www.squirt.com, and within 5 minutes was chatting with a guy not far from where I live. He agreed to meet me in my alley, so I could suck him off in my garage. He is 23 years old, 6'4", and an average sized dick. So I waited out in the alley for him, and there he was. A hot looking, masculine dude, with a goatee. Within minutes, we were in my garage, and I pressed him against my car, undid his belt and jeans. We kissed a little, then I went down on his super hard cock. And I sucked him off. Even though he is average sized - he knew how to use it, and made me choke a few times. Even though his hair is more brown than red, his trimmed bush hair was red. He played with my cock too.
He has a profile on www.lesbigay.com - I'd never heard of it before. He's apparently bisexual. Why do I always hook up with bi guys? Hmmm. Something that makes you go hmmm. But I definitely got my much needed craving for cock fulfilled.
Yum.
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
Janet Jackson's Boob
I just have a couple comments to make (I'm sure everyone is sick to death of hearing about her boob, too). In Canada, it's legal for women to walk around topless, showing their boobs. It was decided by the Supreme Court several years ago. I have sat on the beach with many women in Vancouver and other places, topless, and no one gave a sh*t. Also, Janet had a star-shaped sticky on her nipple, thereby making her not entirely nude. I have far more issues with the football violence. This is typical America - yea for violence, no for sex. Grow up.
I just have a couple comments to make (I'm sure everyone is sick to death of hearing about her boob, too). In Canada, it's legal for women to walk around topless, showing their boobs. It was decided by the Supreme Court several years ago. I have sat on the beach with many women in Vancouver and other places, topless, and no one gave a sh*t. Also, Janet had a star-shaped sticky on her nipple, thereby making her not entirely nude. I have far more issues with the football violence. This is typical America - yea for violence, no for sex. Grow up.
My Response to Kevin67
So, this is what I wrote to Kevan67. Let's see if I hear back from him. I'm too experienced to believe that anything of significance will happen. But here it goes:
"Hi Kevan:
Your profile and pictures are and look very hot! You could be my dream-man also. (LOL, back at you! )
Besides your very attractive body shots, incredible butt, and handsomely hairy bod (just right, not too much) I like what you have to say about your personality. I've never dated someone who is opinioned, informed, educated and reads books. I've tended to date men who are the opposite - uneducated, but they know how to fix cars, do carpentry and replace windsheild wipers. Although I've got 10 years of education, I am not left -leaning either. I am a team-player too.
I seem to fit your "requirements" in terms of not being into the gay-scene, not having tattoos or piercings, being into fidelity, being 100% healthy, not being a party-boy, and being able to joke about myself. I also have dark brown hair and eyes, nice tanned skin, but I'm also caucasian. I've had a great family upbringing in terms of morals.
It would be interesting to meet someone with such a hot bod and description, such as yours. I am interested in hearing more about you. Anything you'd like to tell me, I'd like to hear."
So, this is what I wrote to Kevan67. Let's see if I hear back from him. I'm too experienced to believe that anything of significance will happen. But here it goes:
"Hi Kevan:
Your profile and pictures are and look very hot! You could be my dream-man also. (LOL, back at you! )
Besides your very attractive body shots, incredible butt, and handsomely hairy bod (just right, not too much) I like what you have to say about your personality. I've never dated someone who is opinioned, informed, educated and reads books. I've tended to date men who are the opposite - uneducated, but they know how to fix cars, do carpentry and replace windsheild wipers. Although I've got 10 years of education, I am not left -leaning either. I am a team-player too.
I seem to fit your "requirements" in terms of not being into the gay-scene, not having tattoos or piercings, being into fidelity, being 100% healthy, not being a party-boy, and being able to joke about myself. I also have dark brown hair and eyes, nice tanned skin, but I'm also caucasian. I've had a great family upbringing in terms of morals.
It would be interesting to meet someone with such a hot bod and description, such as yours. I am interested in hearing more about you. Anything you'd like to tell me, I'd like to hear."
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
Red-headed Kevan
I received an interesting e-mail from someone who saw my profile on gaydar.co.uk. Man, he looks incredibly sexy, and sounds hot too. He wrote:
Hey man, I just read your profile on G-Dar.
You may be my dream-man. ;) lol.
Check out his bod! His description and what he's looking for are also very interesting:
"Like strong minded non-conformists, compassionate, respect others. Brainy/sharp mind; must have opinion, informed, and able to support it. Athletic, masculine, straight looking - a must; physically attracted only to blk/brn hair, brn or hazel eyes. Prefer Middle Eastern or Mediterranean looking men (Not attracted to blond/fair or light/blue-eyed men). Must also share same idea of fidelity: One plus one = no one else. Also, going somewhere with life, yet not impressed with material things nor with pleasing crowd. Able to laugh at himself. Must be 100% healthy, like me. No piercings, tattoos, shaved or party boys/drugs."
I'll have to e-mail him and I'll let you know what happens.
I received an interesting e-mail from someone who saw my profile on gaydar.co.uk. Man, he looks incredibly sexy, and sounds hot too. He wrote:
Hey man, I just read your profile on G-Dar.
You may be my dream-man. ;) lol.
Check out his bod! His description and what he's looking for are also very interesting:
"Like strong minded non-conformists, compassionate, respect others. Brainy/sharp mind; must have opinion, informed, and able to support it. Athletic, masculine, straight looking - a must; physically attracted only to blk/brn hair, brn or hazel eyes. Prefer Middle Eastern or Mediterranean looking men (Not attracted to blond/fair or light/blue-eyed men). Must also share same idea of fidelity: One plus one = no one else. Also, going somewhere with life, yet not impressed with material things nor with pleasing crowd. Able to laugh at himself. Must be 100% healthy, like me. No piercings, tattoos, shaved or party boys/drugs."
I'll have to e-mail him and I'll let you know what happens.
Monday, February 02, 2004
Inflammatory E-mails
What a great day I've had. Nothing big happened, but it still feels satisfying. I cleaned two thirds of my house so everything is tidy, organized and smelling like bleach. I'm half way through my laundry. I completed several tasks for my clients. I took a long, satisfying shower. I had coffee with a friend I haven't seen in a while. Now I'll finish my bedroom tonight - laundering my sheets, comforter and pillows, cleaning my bathroom and organizing my closet. I can't wait until I slip into clean, white sheets.
I didn't write about how I resolved my conflict from January 23. I was preparing for teaching a course at my college in mid-March. Last year, when I taught the same course, there were major classroom booking issues, which were not my fault. I was three weeks into the course before rooms could be confirmed, so my students could attend class. I was infuriated! On my own time I had to work with the whole bureacracy to find a room (this was a major task, one that involved politics) and then book an extra three classes for my students because they missed the first three weeks. I'm not hired to be a room booker. I wasn't hired to teach an additional three classes. And I wasn't paid extra, when it wasn't my fault.
In the last three years, I've always had rooms prepared for me. So I was very pissed! It's because our college had a new Dean last year, and he screwed things up, and made things look bad for me. Remember - I've got type-A, brilliant students, and they weren't happy.
So this year, I found out that my lecture wasn't booked into a room with Internet access and a video projector, which is highly necessary for my course. In fact, I requested it last October to the Dean and he hadn't followed up on it. So I contacted the Room Booking Assistant, and he e-mailed me back saying, "I'm sure there's no rooms available. Your course doesn't merit such technology."
For the last two years since the new Dean took over, the Room Booking Assistant has been difficult and unhelpful. I assume there must be conflict between the Dean and him. And the Room Booking Assistant is taking it out on me - making me look bad!
So I called the Room Booking Department (I went beyond the Assistant) and asked if there was a lecture room with Internet access and a video projector. After lots of cajoling, she agreed to check it out (it's the Assistant's job to do this) and found two rooms available. So I left a message with the Assistant, telling him, politely, that I over-rode his bureaucratic hierarchy, and that there are two rooms available.
This happened late on a Friday afternoon. I stewed about the situation. I was angry for being put in this situation again, the second year with the new Dean, and even asking beforehand for the kind of room I needed. I had had enough!
So I wrote an e-mail to the new Dean, saying stuff like, "I don't play politics well. I don't know what's going on between you and the Booking Assistant, but he's being unhelpful. Remember, I spent last year trying to find a room for my students for three weeks, without any help or resolution, and I paid for it." I went on and on, digging my own grave (in terms of my job) making my Dean look like a loser and an asshole. I just didn't care any more. "Fire me," I thought.
What makes this situation ironic is that I decided not to come back in September 2003 because I had such a nightmare in the Spring 2003. I didn't want to work with this new Dean, who was screwing up. So he hired someone else, then in mid-term, called me to come back and rescue the class. So I did, to great applombe from him and the students. Anyway, I wrote a viral e-mail to him, and realized that if he read it, he wouldn't hire me again.
So this is my brilliant rescue...I called the Dean at home on Sunday night and said, "I sent you an e-mail when I was very angry and triggered. It's not the type of e-mail you should read, or that anyone should read. After writing it, the next morning I felt differently. Would you please delete it from your mailbox, before reading it? I'd appreciate it immensely."
So, he did. He deleted it before reading it. He totally understood (He's sent me reactionary e-mails before, so I think he knew what I meant.)
Actually, he may have read it, because on Monday, the Room Booking Assistant sent me very sweet e-mails, thanking me for helping him with his job, and that he found me a new room.
Isn't that cool? I guess I got my own way, without getting fired.
Thanks be to God.
What a great day I've had. Nothing big happened, but it still feels satisfying. I cleaned two thirds of my house so everything is tidy, organized and smelling like bleach. I'm half way through my laundry. I completed several tasks for my clients. I took a long, satisfying shower. I had coffee with a friend I haven't seen in a while. Now I'll finish my bedroom tonight - laundering my sheets, comforter and pillows, cleaning my bathroom and organizing my closet. I can't wait until I slip into clean, white sheets.
I didn't write about how I resolved my conflict from January 23. I was preparing for teaching a course at my college in mid-March. Last year, when I taught the same course, there were major classroom booking issues, which were not my fault. I was three weeks into the course before rooms could be confirmed, so my students could attend class. I was infuriated! On my own time I had to work with the whole bureacracy to find a room (this was a major task, one that involved politics) and then book an extra three classes for my students because they missed the first three weeks. I'm not hired to be a room booker. I wasn't hired to teach an additional three classes. And I wasn't paid extra, when it wasn't my fault.
In the last three years, I've always had rooms prepared for me. So I was very pissed! It's because our college had a new Dean last year, and he screwed things up, and made things look bad for me. Remember - I've got type-A, brilliant students, and they weren't happy.
So this year, I found out that my lecture wasn't booked into a room with Internet access and a video projector, which is highly necessary for my course. In fact, I requested it last October to the Dean and he hadn't followed up on it. So I contacted the Room Booking Assistant, and he e-mailed me back saying, "I'm sure there's no rooms available. Your course doesn't merit such technology."
For the last two years since the new Dean took over, the Room Booking Assistant has been difficult and unhelpful. I assume there must be conflict between the Dean and him. And the Room Booking Assistant is taking it out on me - making me look bad!
So I called the Room Booking Department (I went beyond the Assistant) and asked if there was a lecture room with Internet access and a video projector. After lots of cajoling, she agreed to check it out (it's the Assistant's job to do this) and found two rooms available. So I left a message with the Assistant, telling him, politely, that I over-rode his bureaucratic hierarchy, and that there are two rooms available.
This happened late on a Friday afternoon. I stewed about the situation. I was angry for being put in this situation again, the second year with the new Dean, and even asking beforehand for the kind of room I needed. I had had enough!
So I wrote an e-mail to the new Dean, saying stuff like, "I don't play politics well. I don't know what's going on between you and the Booking Assistant, but he's being unhelpful. Remember, I spent last year trying to find a room for my students for three weeks, without any help or resolution, and I paid for it." I went on and on, digging my own grave (in terms of my job) making my Dean look like a loser and an asshole. I just didn't care any more. "Fire me," I thought.
What makes this situation ironic is that I decided not to come back in September 2003 because I had such a nightmare in the Spring 2003. I didn't want to work with this new Dean, who was screwing up. So he hired someone else, then in mid-term, called me to come back and rescue the class. So I did, to great applombe from him and the students. Anyway, I wrote a viral e-mail to him, and realized that if he read it, he wouldn't hire me again.
So this is my brilliant rescue...I called the Dean at home on Sunday night and said, "I sent you an e-mail when I was very angry and triggered. It's not the type of e-mail you should read, or that anyone should read. After writing it, the next morning I felt differently. Would you please delete it from your mailbox, before reading it? I'd appreciate it immensely."
So, he did. He deleted it before reading it. He totally understood (He's sent me reactionary e-mails before, so I think he knew what I meant.)
Actually, he may have read it, because on Monday, the Room Booking Assistant sent me very sweet e-mails, thanking me for helping him with his job, and that he found me a new room.
Isn't that cool? I guess I got my own way, without getting fired.
Thanks be to God.
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