Wednesday, June 14, 2006

[Updated] The Law of Attraction?

My infatuation with Brad has ended - I don't think I'll continue writing the story. Immediately after finishing Part 3 of "Hanging With Brad" and posting it to Blogger, I had an epiphany: Brad is a slithery little bastard. Writing down the details gave me a more objective perspective on him and our 'friendship.' I was obviously blinded by his beautiful exterior and the desire to get in his skivvies. Although I don't purport to be much better, we really don't share the same values, or at least aspire to the same ones. I realized from writing it down that he left out a lot of information about his experience with his S&M buddies [for instance, he did admit he gave Dave a hand-job, but what else?]. And his attitude toward women and relationships is appalling [I didn't get to finish writing about some of the things he told me, but trust me, it's pretty disgusting].

Earlier that day Brad and I went for coffee, and he told me that a new guy moved into his half-way house over the weekend, who he knew from the drug scene. This guy is apparently 6'4", built huge, and a major crack addict who wants to get back into dealing. He confessed to Brad that he's gay [no one else knows], and the two of them "hung out" together all weekend while I was out of town. He wants Brad to move into an apartment with him near the university. I didn't think much about it at the time. Brad and I arranged to meet up later that evening.

I was looking forward to seeing him, and since I had a car I thought we could drive out to do a hike together or something fun. So I called him at the pre-arranged time, but he wasn't home. That's when I decided to start writing Part 3 of my story, to fill my time until I got a hold of Brad. I tried an hour later. . . still not home. I tried once more an hour later, and when unsuccessful at reaching him, I finished writing.

I realize that I've been sugar-coating my perceptions about him - in reality, I don't think he's interested in improving his values. I'm not sure that he wants to stay clean either. He might still be using if he had enough money to buy some crack, or had the right connections. Having lived on the streets with other crack addicts for so long, he's learned how to survive, which means: charming the pants off people, saying what you want to hear while cleverly using you for money, company and entertainment. I don't sense any real commitment or depth in his offer of friendship.

In reality, I didn't have much to say to him. I was just getting off on hearing "exotic" stories of street life from a criminal who happens to look like Brad Pitt. My attraction was mostly physical, and hanging out with him held the allure of getting sexually intimate with him. Pretty stupid when I look at it now.

He of course didn't call me, nor did I see him the following day. I saw him today at the meeting, but I was in a hurry to get home so I just said, "hello, I've got to get going." I think I'll keep a distance for a while until my hormones regulate.

It's probably not good for either of us to "hang out" right now. My intentions were less than honourable too, and I was making the same mistake of treating him like he treats others. Ouch! I guess it's true - one is often attracted to others of like mind!


Insider's Joke

Guy 1
"I got lucky last night at an AA meeting."

Guy 2
"You did?"

Guy 1
"Yeah, I went home alone."

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