Back to Brad: Drunk with Lust



It was a flawless, summer day. At noon it was 30 degrees Celsius, the humidity was low, and the heat beat down upon my exposed skin. I went looking for Brad.


I took a break from seeing him after writing my last post on him: I got my mind in order about the situation. Like most people, he's unable to be reduced down to an oversimplification. While it's important to keep in mind some of his less savoury characteristics, I came to a more balanced view. He's been able to stay sober and has been working hard to get his life into order.

The next time I saw Brad he was on his way to court for some charges he received in Calgary while he was using: he stole a $12 sandwich, and had 3 fines for using the C-Train without providing a receipt of proof. He was looking fantastic - dressed in black suit pants and a dress shirt, glowing with health.

I noticed how handsome he looks in black - it's such a dramatic contrast to his wheat blond hair and white skin. It emphasizes the angles and planes in his face. At times when I looked at him I didn't recognize him - he looked like a European model. Edgy, rather than boy-next-door. It's of course one of my big attractions - what I call "the 'dark' blond." The colour black brings out the intensity in him.

I offered to go with him. He was nervous. The judge was reasonable, and fined him appropriately. We had to wait a couple of hours for the court to produce the tickets, so I got to hear more of his growing desires for having a normal life and his relationship with his family. Brad was genuinely glad that I had gone with him to court. He's just a kid who needs support from a mature friend who can help guide in him the right way, who's not going to take advantage of him. Unfortunately there's been a lot of people who have.



It's now a few days later after the court date when I went to get him. I thought he was probably still sleeping, so I called his name outside of his window. He responded immediately, and I replied, "Get your ass out here." Then laughed.

A few seconds later he exited the side door, and… Brad was naked except for a pair of shorts. This completely shocked me. I hadn't seen him shirtless before, and I wasn't expecting to ever. It totally fucked me up in an instant. All of my available testosterone rushed into my blood stream, making me feel flushed. I must have looked completely taken aback, and I caught myself staring at his body for far too long.

Staring isn't even the right word. I was using the most intense, observant gaze, trying to memorize every detail. I must have an entire portion of my brain dedicated, cellularly, to Brad now. He has light blond hair on his chest and it all twirls and descends in an intricate pattern into the waste of his shorts. It looked soft. I noticed how it twirled around his surprisingly large nipples. Not small, not large - medium sized nipples. I'm used to seeing small nipples, especially on blond Caucasians, so I was taken aback by this detail. His nipples looked lush and highly erotic. They were an unusual colour too - more beige than pink.

He was unshaved and still trying to push aside his sleepiness, but had a bounce in his step and was happy to see me.

Time stood still for an unspecified amount of time while I was in rapt attention of his nakedness. I only broke out of my spell when my gaze moved up from his stomach to caress his shoulders and arms (he has a tattoo I didn't know about), and happened to notice he was looking at me, bemused.

I pulled myself together: I consciously reminded myself he's straight, I'm not going to come onto him and told myself to stop seeing him like a sexual object. But it was too late, and Brad knew it.

Before you think that I'm some silly horned up gay guy who goes around looking at other guys this way all the time, I can tell you that's not true. It must be a few years since I've had this reaction to anyone. And that was my ex. This reaction was profound, emotionally encompassing and energetically dense. I'm sure every thought registered on my face. In fact, I know it did, because of what happened later.

Meanwhile the sun's heat is still burning onto my skin, intensified by all the concrete around us in the alley, and I'm feeling drunk with lust. Without thinking, I said something (I don't know what) and then my eyes stupidly went back to looking at his body. I was like an out-of-control 13 year old boy.

When I looked back up at Brad, I could see his own thought process (or maybe I was projecting it). I could see him think, "Ha ha, what is this guy looking at, oh yeah, I'm practically naked, and that's right, he hasn't seen me with my shirt off and is that lust in his eyes? I nearly forgot he's gay."

He laughed it off and said he'd get us a couple of chairs to sit outside and have a cigarette. He disappeared back into the building, which gave me more time to recover.

We sat outside, talking. I was probably radiating intense sexual energy and attraction and the funny part is, Brad seemed to like it. We decided to go for coffee, and he wanted to get some clothes on so we went through the front door of his building, where he told me to wait in the sitting room.

I'm thinking, "Fuck, he's going to put his shirt on, and I'll probably never get an opportunity to see him shirtless again, so I'd better step up and do something about it." I said something to him about wanting to photograph him - I just blurted it with no context or lead up, and I said, "Let me take a couple of pictures before you get dressed."

Brad said, "Sure, I love to be photographed."

With shaking hands I dug into my bag and got my digital camera out, and simultaneously scoped out the sitting area. I noticed that the couch was black leather, and even had metallic studs stapling the material to the frame. I joked, "Why don't you sit on this black leather couch, it has an S&M feel to it."

He threw himself onto the couch in such a natural way - there was no posing or posturing. He had his arm stretched out across the back of the couch, exposing his arm pits, and I squelched the impulse to bound over to him like a wild train wreck, trap his arms above his head and start aggressively licking and slobbering him from head to toe.

Seeing his white blond body laid out on the couch, and his black shorts hiked up exposing a nice package, I think I muttered, "Fuck." And I rarely use this word.

The problem with trying to take a picture of Brad though is he can't stay still. He's constantly moving, and his facial expressions constantly change from moment to moment, so he's like the worst model you can hope for. Plus my camera's shutter speed isn't fast enough to capture him - by the time the moment is right, and I press the button, and the shutter clicks, he's already moved and emoted several more things, so I never get a good picture. I was afraid too that another guy would come into the room and see me taking pictures of this practically naked stud. So, I let it go.

I can't even tell you what he wore, because now the only image I have in my mind is Brad shirtless, so that's all I see when I look at him. My eyes must have digitized him like a Cruse Synchron Table Scanner. All I can think about is that blond fuzzy hair hiding underneath.

We went for coffee, and I'm stumbling, mumbling, saying all kinds of verbiose garbage, trying to sound normal, when out of nowhere he says to me, "You're attracted to me aren't you."

It was like a breath of fresh air, for someone to finally mention it. But I went into rationalization mode and said, "Well, yes, it's kind of complicated. When I first met you I thought you looked like a nice kid, not my type. But then I got to know you more and realized I like your personality. So I find you attractive - not just your looks but also your personality. But I wouldn't ever come onto you or anything, I respect you too much as a friend."

Brad paused, then said quietly, "We could cuddle together."

I felt like a bomb had just dropped. I was speechless. I think he was nervous having just said that, so he looked away. I managed to say, "Yes, I think that would be very nice."

Brad turned back to look at me with those baby blue eyes and said, "I think so too."

I totally dropped the whole direction of this conversation with him for fear of having a spontaneous orgasm while my brain's background mental processes are generating thousands of cuddling scenarios with him.

Later, Brad saw a guy coming down the street and said, "Oh no, it's the weird gay guy." He introduced us. He was quite tall, a bit goofy looking - I wasn't really paying attention to him. He seemed to be high on something. I don't know how we got on the topic any more - I think I was too shocked about what went on so the details are sketchy - but Brad said, "You should see this guy, he's hugely endowed."

The guy smiled proudly, and drew attention down to his crotch. I noticed that his red boxer underwear was sticking out of the top of his jeans. Several questions went through my mind, like, "How did Brad know this? How does he know him?" I think the story was the last time Brad was in Lethbridge five months ago, he was using crack with him and he exposed himself to Brad. But there was some general discussion about the size of Brad's cock, and the gay guy seemed to have knowledge about it. Brad was uncomfortable with the discussion and situation, and so was I, so I didn't interrogate them.

I have no idea why, but I said to the weird gay guy, "Oh yeah, why don't you show it to me then. Right here," challenging him in a flirtatious but passive-aggressive manner. Maybe it was some weird kind of jealousy I was feeling, that this guy had already gotten intimate with Brad, so I was trying to humiliate him. He said, "Sure, I'd have no problem showing you, any time…"

"No, right here," I said, looking at his crotch, looking at him, egging him. It looked like he thought about it, and nearly did it, but instead asked for my phone number, and I said, "No, that's alright." He left, saying, "If you change your mind…"

This of course is now fuelling all my fantasies even more of Brad, making me think that he plays a little bit more than he's entirely admitted to. Disturbing too, having images of the weird gay guy and Brad having that kind of interaction…I don't want to go there in my mind.

We talk some more, and things are friendly and comfortable, and then I did something really awful. Don't worry, I didn't freak out at him or come on to him or anything. I decided to leave and go back home, leaving him by himself and to his own devices. The terrible part is that I left him with money and possibly at a vulnerable moment. I just hope that he's okay and has managed to stay clean. I tried to find him that evening - I called but he wasn't home. I then stopped by where he's living, called his name, got the dormitory supervisor to check by knocking on his door to no available. I went the next morning to see if he was back, but he hadn't been home all evening. I haven't checked today, but I'm hoping he's all right. So I feel immensely guilty for having left him in that situation and for not protecting him.

I'm afraid I wasn't a very good friend to him in that moment. If you're reading this, help me do a collective prayer for him and his safety. And one for me too.