Attracting Relationships


It's time for some more enlightenment. I wrote this article just as I met my boyfriend BC. Sure, our relationship only lasted three years, but it's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all. I dedicate this article to Single in the City, a sweet and humorous blogger I discovered recently, who is celebrating 60 days of sexual and relationship sobriety. I think the one thing he hasn't investigated is the spiritual aspect of relationships: may you find it now.


In our world there exists a miraculous system of interconnections and relationships, all perfectly and effortlessly orchestrated. Everyone in your life mirrors your beliefs, and vice versa. Not everyone is equally meaningful to you at any given point, but those that hold more purpose and meaning are brought to your conscious awareness.


How do you attract conscious, co-creative relationships into your life? I have been exploring the process of co-creating cooperative and harmonious relationships of all kinds. It begins with healing your false core beliefs, via the mirroring and karmic processes, thereby acknowledging and honoring your wholeness. In this article I review some aspects of the healing process, and look at the process of co-creation.

We are all one
In actuality, everyone is one. We are all whole. All who exist are manifestations of the one Creator. We, as the one Creator, have agreed to individuate, in order to explore who it is that we are. Each one of us is simply an aspect of the one. You have agreed to take on certain aspects of the one, which form your characteristics, personality, and beliefs, and explore them. In each incarnation, you carry false core beliefs from your previous lives, about your lack of wholeness, in order to explore these beliefs and give you the opportunity to discover all that you are. You are the one Creator.

You are, and always have been, involved in cooperative and harmonious relationships. Every person in your life right now is cooperating with you in the most harmonious and loving manner to help you to understand your relationship to, and beliefs about, your inner self. Each person mirrors back to you an aspect of your inner self.

If you choose to believe that you are not whole, then you will attract into your life others that also believe they are not whole. This is the basis for complementary relationships. These are the relationships that often bring much pain and drama. Because if you believe that you are not complete, then you believe that you are in need. And you will believe that you need the other who represents the aspect of you that you believe you are lacking. This causes fear because if the person does not give you what you are lacking, or threatens to leave, then you will feel incomplete, abandoned and unloved.

But when you awaken to your wholeness, and realize that you are not lacking anything, then you will attract people who believe the same thing about themselves, and have more harmonious relationships — relationships based on love and not need.

Vibratory resonance

Every belief you hold emits a particular vibratory resonance. This vibratory resonance is an energy pattern that attracts to itself vibratory resonances similar in nature. These vibratory resonances are the fundamental building blocks of matter, and create our personal experience of physical reality. Whatever and whoever vibrates in a similar matter will be drawn into our personal reality. This is because harmony is the nature of the universe. Just as when a certain pitch of sound is emitted into the environment, all objects that are capable of vibrating at this rate will respond by singing in equanimity.

All relationships are an act of co-creation. What you choose to believe and hold in your consciousness about yourself and others is manifested by your higher self in cooperation with the higher selves of all others. You automatically attract to yourself others who resonate with your beliefs. Our higher selves always act as one, for the highest good of all. This is an important concept to understand because once you understand that we are all one, then you feel connected to everyone else.


The universal web
Everyone around you at any given moment is in your personal reality because they in some way share one or more of your beliefs. These include beliefs about yourself, the world, and the universe. In our world there exists a miraculous system of interconnections and relationships, all perfectly and effortlessly orchestrated. Everyone in your life mirrors your beliefs, and vice versa. Not everyone is equally meaningful to you at any given point, but those that hold more purpose and meaning are brought to your conscious awareness.

You know that a person and situation hold meaning for you when it becomes energetically charged. You may perceive the person and situation as more vibrant and having greater clarity, and/or your emotions are stirred and register the significance of the meeting.

When I meditate on the understanding that I am in relationship with everyone around me, I begin to sense that we are all interconnected by a web of energy, and are in constant telepathic communication with one another. This is a multi-dimensional web, that not only extends through space, but also time. When I open myself, I can feel on an intuitive level the connection I have with my neighbor who I've never met. I intuitively sense that we share similar ideas about abundance, and also believe in living peacefully and without drama.

I can also sense my connection to my grandfather, who I never met, and died a couple decades ago. I can feel his presence, and that we are connected to one another via this interrelational web of energy. As I have continued to grow spiritually, I feel that I am even able to have conversations in my mind with him.

When I reflected on who my next romantic partner might be, I imagined they existed exactly as I desired. I also intuited that they lived in the same city, which was important to me. When I focussed on their existence, and tuned into the particular vibration or experience I was looking for, I imagined that I was plucking a string on the web, which lead to them. I would check in to their vibration once in a while, and stir the web that connected us, to say hello. I reminded myself that we would meet when the moment was right, and that our higher selves were coordinating the co-incident that would bring us together.

Allow the relationship to come to you
Trusting in the knowledge that there exists a universal mind, or an energy web which connects us all in relationship, opens you to experiencing it on a subjective level. You develop complete trust that any connection you desire to make with others are accessible and available, no matter where they exist in the world. You cease searching for the connection because you are solid in your knowledge that your connection will be fulfilled, and manifest, when the time is right.

A columnist in a local paper recently ran a series of articles on how people met their partners in places and situations that are normally considered to be highly unlikely places to meet a serious partner. These included the church at which they were about to be wedded to someone else, looking for anonymous sex in a park washroom, or on a chat line.

There is no such place as the 'right' place to meet someone.
The only right place is where you are in any given moment.

He or she will appear wherever it is you are. In contrast to usual advice, you don't need to go out of your way to hang out at special places, or make any special effort to make contacts for business or relationship purposes. Allow the person to come to you. Open yourself to receiving the relationship you desire.

As in all aspects of your life, always act on any gentle inner nudgings. Avoid trying to second guess where these will lead. This can interfere with the process because your expectations may lead to disappointment, which leads to fear and a lack of trust in the process. Instead, trust that your inner guidance is leading you to exactly where it is you need to be, even though you may not understand its purpose in the moment.

The power of saying "No"
While opening yourself to receiving the relationship you desire, it is likely you will have to exercise the power of saying, "No." Whenever core beliefs are changed, there is a period of adjustment, and people and situations may continue to show up that reflect your old beliefs. One of the most powerful choices you have is to say, "No. I do not choose this for myself any more."

Remember that all your relationships mirror, in a holographic manner, our relationship to our inner self. Relationships include friendships, co-workers, clients, family members and relatives, romantic partners and anyone you interact with in the living of your life. None are exempt. For example, if you are working for an employer with whom you have a frustrating, difficult and discordant relationship, then it is important to examine your patterns and choices in this relationship.

As I began my healing process, one of the first relationships that no longer were tolerable for me was with my employer. I came to the point where I could no longer agree to his unreasonable expectations, and the lack of respect I received. Although I had no job to go to, I bravely gave my notice after weeks of contemplation. I felt that for my mental, emotional and spiritual health I needed to deeply trust in my inner guidance and take a step into the unknown.

One of the most difficult relationships I had to let go of was with a friend I had known since childhood. As I grew, our paths diverged, and I no longer found her to treat me as lovingly as I had begun to treat myself. She hadn't changed — only I had. What was once okay for me, no longer was.

After my last romantic relationship, I was determined to never enter into one that was similar, and repeat the same patterns. I decided that I would rather be single for the rest of my life, than have a repeat performance. Because of the work I had done on healing my issues, I became very sensitive to any signs that a similar dynamic was occurring between a romantic interest and me. It had also become very clear as to what I didn't want to experience with a partner. No matter how attracted or lonely I was, or how much we may have had in common, if there were signs of a dynamic I no longer wished to play out, I would trust my perceptions and feelings and say, "No." Sometimes I wondered if I was making the right decisions.

After more than three years of saying "No" more often than I would have liked to, I discovered I was making it very clear to my higher self that I was saying, "Yes" to having people in my life who reflected back to me my self love. And I was rewarded with wonderful friendships over time. I was enjoying my life so much, that I did not feel I was lacking anything by not having a romantic relationship. It is not that I didn't think it was possible — I knew that my partner would show up when the time was right, but I was in no hurry for it to happen. I felt more whole than I ever had in my whole life.

Following your passions
The energy I used to devote to finding a romantic partner became diverted to pursuing new interests and passions — such as writing about relationships. I am still surprised that writing brings me so much joy, because it was something I previously never enjoyed doing, or thought I did well. The inner excitement I feel whenever I finish an article, and upload it to the web makes me vibrate with bliss. I can literally feel bolts of energy beam from my body. Over the last few years I have become more focussed on fulfilling myself, instead of looking for someone to do it for me. I have started a new business, began teaching, set fitness goals, traveled, and began fixing up my home.

Doing whatever brings you great joy and excitement helps to attract harmonious relationships, because you are following your inner purpose, which leads to a greater sense of wholeness. It raises the rate of your vibration, intensifying its signal, so you attract more of the same experience.

Defining your relationship desires
In examining your karmic core issues through the mirroring process, relationship patterns become clearer. This is useful, because what you no longer wish to experience in a relationship is defined. It is useful to write these down on paper, and make them concrete. Clarify these as you grow and understand who you are and what your needs and desires are.

For example, I decided that in my next relationship I no longer wished to experience with my partner:
• drama
• intense conflict
• neediness and longing
• invalidation of my feelings and perceptions
• rejection and abandonment
• lack of affection
• emotional detachment
• disregard of boundaries
• controlling behavior
• dishonesty
• denial
• betrayal

It is also important to write what you would like to experience. In my list I included:
• peace
• joy
• love
• effortlessness
• nurturing
• intimacy
• gentleness
• laughter
• respect
• physical attraction
• trust

In knowing myself, I wrote down the characteristics I wished my partner to have:
• ability to communicate their feelings and thoughts
• be at a similar place in awareness of their issues and healing
• be open to and share similar spiritual beliefs
• have creative interests
• be interested in fitness
• enjoy traveling
• have a healthy balance of independence and interdependence
• live in the same city
• be following their own passions and interests
• be financially responsible

I added a few qualities to my list that weren't necessary, but would be bonuses. My partner would:
• be similar in age
• enjoy hiking, camping and outdoor activities
• have friends that I like and get along with well
• have things to teach me
• like gardening and taking care of their home
• be tall in height

In imagining the romantic partner I would like to have, I drew upon positive feelings and experiences I had with previous partners. I would identify the exact feeling I enjoyed the most with other partners, and imagined having this with my next partner. It is difficult to verbalize these feeling experiences, but I felt them as though they were happening now.

Once in a while, whenever the impulse struck me, I would imagine this relationship in meditation. After three years, when I was able to visualize this without attachment, fear or a sense of longing, I met someone with whom I have been able to experience this kind of relationship and meets each one of my needs and desires. Down to the last detail.

Each one of your desires is holy and honored by the universe. Because you are divine, all of your desires are fulfilled automatically through the co-creative process. Becoming conscious of your beliefs and choices awakens you to your wondrous power, and the limitless love of all that is.

******
Wow, reviewing all list made me realize BC nearly fit the requirements perfectly - I think the one thing I forgot to put on my list was "he's not bisexual, but instead is perfectly comfortable with his gay sexuality." Next time...

A Banal Blowjob



Last week after chatting with half a dozen guys, I ended up meeting none of them. The first "date" didn't show up as planned. When I got home he had emailed me a weak apology, explaining that he got home late from a friend's house where he was helping him pour concrete in his backyard. I didn't bother to reply.

I never heard from the handsome blond bisexual again, nor have I seen him on MSN since.

I was supposed to email the gay couple the afternoon before we were to meet that evening. I did, and didn't hear back from them.

Nor did I hear from the ex-Vancouverite this week - we had suggested going for coffee once he got back from M*edicine Hat.

Apparently cruising in small town L*thbridge isn't that different from cruising in Vancouver, or anywhere else in the world.

I went online this afternoon, feeling horny but not hopeful, when I saw someone new on the chat. I messaged him, and found out he was 6'1", 180 lbs, 42" chest, 31" waist, 7.5" cut cock, blue eyes and light brown hair. A hairy chest. He was 42 according to his profile - just a year older than me, but because his hair was receding, he looked what I normally think of as 42. But he was handsome. He was a runner who enjoyed training for marathons. I found out he lives just a block away from where I work out, so we arranged to meet in front of my gym, and if we were interested, we'd fool around. My attitude was rather blasé about the situation, but I had nothing better to do.

It's been so long since I had sex that I was a little worried that I wouldn't get turned on. After all, his picture didn't convey that he's drop dead sexy. He kind of looked like someone's father. I tried to remember what I used to do to get a hard on, but the memories were faint. In the past in Vancouver I was normally a little drunk when hooking up, but since I don't drink any more, that wasn't an option. Plus I wanted to lift weights afterward.

So I took a thorough shower, got dressed in shorts and a tank top, and hopped on my bike to the gym. I worked up a bit of a sweat - it was hotter outside than I realized, and began worry about being hot, sweaty and sticky. If I were meeting up for sex with an ex-boyfriend I wouldn't be concerned, but with a stranger with whom I have no history or connection, it seemed a little too intimate to introduce personal pheremones and body fluids into the tryst.

I arrived on time, and I saw him at the far end of the parking lot. I parked my bike and walked over to him. He looked a bit younger than his picture, and was a little cuter than I expected. He looked awkward, but I thought, "What the heck, let's give it a try," and after saying hello, asked if I should lock my bike up and come with him.

"Sure," he said.

It was only one short block to his house, and on the way he said hello to two people - L*thbridge is that small. (I told you, everyone knows each other here.) One was to a guy in a car that passed us, and the other was to a guy walking across the street - they had walked their dogs together just a couple of hours ago. Meanwhile, I was trying to think of how I could get turned on - what was there about him or the situation that I could eroticize. I can't even remember what he was wearing - he was that non-descript. I know it was shorts, a t-shirt and sandals because he told me he on the chat he would be wearing these, but I couldn't tell you what colour or style they were. I did like his friendly/nervous manner and blue eyes - he kind of looked like the typical Lethbridge man. Sort of Mormon, sort of Dutch, sort of Caucasian/bland. His voice had a slight "gay" sound to it, but it wasn't overly pronounced.


We entered his house from the backyard. It was a wood paneled home from the 1920s. He had just finished renovating it. As we walked into the back porch, he explained he had a miniature weiner dog (sorry, I can't think of the name of the dog). It's one of those short, but very long dogs with tiny legs. They're really cute. I took off my running shoes in the covered back porch, and walked into an immaculate house, with new wood floors. It was tastefully and modestly painted and decorated. The style was inspired by the prairies - a little barren, but solid. We stood in his kitchen talking for a few minutes, and then he led me upstairs to his bedroom. I wondered if he had an appointment later - everything seemed a bit rushed and impersonal. He didn't give me any real personal details, like what he did for a living. I didn't offer any either.

He took my backpack and explained, "I'll put it in the closet. Not because I want to steal it or anything, but the dog will chew on it if it's left on the floor." Whatever. I asked to use his washroom, and he went to his linen closet and got me a washcloth and matching towel, which I appreciated because I wanted to wipe the dew off my skin. While in the washroom, I realized how weird this situation was. I really didn't feel anything - not excitement, apprehension and especially not sexual arousal.

When I finished in the washroom, I went into his bedroom, and he was standing there talking to his dog, telling it to lie down and be quiet. It always disturbs me when I have sex in front of an animal. I'm a little afraid it will want to join in. He holds me gently by my shoulders and tries kissing me. It was a very non-committal kiss. It was like he didn't want to kiss me, but didn't know what else to do. He's the awful kind of kisser that just flicks his tongue in and out at you. Without any foreplay, he removes my shirt and says, "You've got a nice chest." He nervously touches my chest.

I take off his shirt, and discover that he is hairy - a light brown hair, with a small but very toned chest. Not exactly sexy, but not awful either. We move in toward each other and hug, avoiding our lips touching, and I realize his hairy chest is rather scratchy. It's not silky smooth like BCs was. His body also feels wiry. Like tight little muscles all bunched up in his back and chest and arms. His skin isn't soft - although it doesn't look pimply, it feels like there are hard little bumps, so it's not terribly pleasurable to feel his body or his skin or his hairy chest.

I console myself with the thought that "at least he said he has a 7.5" cock." The next thing I know is that he's removed my shorts, and his own shorts, which he folds neatly and puts on the dresser so his dog doesn't eat them.

He unceremoniously lays down on his bed, so I join him, wondering if I'm going to get an erection. I'm not nervous or turned off - I just feel neutral. Again, he tries kissing me with his snake tongue for about three seconds, then fortunately stops and moves down and begins using his flickering tongue on my nipples. It feels not bad, but he doesn't have a lot of skill in this department. He doesn't realize that he needs to slightly bite them, then flicker his tongue on them, and repeat. I let my hand wander over to his underwear, and grab his package - he's already nearly erect! My dick is as limp as West Coast slug.

After a far too brief time on my nipples, he pulls off my underwear with no warning, and begins sucking on my limp dick. It just feels wet. His weiner dog meanwhile is whining and whimpering on the side of the bed, so he breaks every few seconds to tell the dog to "shoosh, and lay down."

He apologizes to me, and says, "I'm sorry, he's such a good dog though - but he may have to come up on the bed with us. Is that okay?"

I'm thinking, "Fuck, no!" But instead I say, "Well, as long as he doesn't join us," trying to make it sound like I'm joking.

He goes back to mouthing my still limp cock, but gradually it lengthens a little. He stretches it occasionally with his middle finger and thumb. I start playing with my own nipples, close my eyes and make a concerted effort to block out the dog in the room.

I decided to check out his dick, so I sit up and take off his underwear. His cock is fairly hard, and it looks nice. I wouldn't say it was 7.5" - if it is, then so is mine - I may even be larger. Nevertheless, I begin sucking on it, and it's nicely proportioned - not too thin, not too thick, not quite average either. It feels nice in my mouth.

I take a moment to play with his balls, and I noticed that they're not low hangers. They're rather tight against the base of his dick. Not bad though. I continue to suck his dick, easily deep throating it (BC forever changed my sucking technique) and realize that I'm actually enjoying myself. I get hard. He doesn't make a sound while I'm sucking on it, so I don't know if he's enjoying himself or if I'm doing a good job.

After just a few minutes, he puts his hand on his cock as if to stop me. I look up at him, and he says, "I'm close to cumming." I'm surprised - after so short a time? After practically no erotic foreplay or interaction? He gestures to get into a 69 position, so I move around so that my cock is over top of his mouth, and his is below me.

He says, "You've got a nice cock," and I reply, "Thanks, so do you."

The position is a little awkward for me - I need to use my muscles to balance properly, which takes my attention away from any sensation of having my cock sucked. After a few minutes he says, "Do you like being rimmed, or ass play?"

If he was a boyfriend, or I was in the midst of having hot sex with a super hottie, I would have said yes. But I couldn't imagine having my butt played with by his tongue or his finger. It would probably just feel wet and weird. I said, "sometimes, but not right now."

His profile on the chat mentioned that he was a top - I tried to form the mental imagine in my mind of him fucking me, and it just didn't work. Besides, it's not something I do with a stranger.

Meanwhile, my finger is wandering over to his ass, playing with rubbing his hole with saliva from his balls. For the first time he makes a small moaning sound. I momentarily try imagining fucking him, and again, no mental picture forms. The attempt to imagine fucking him begins to turn me off, so I move out of the 69 position, and lay on my back, waiting for him to blow my now mostly erect cock.

He moves on top of me, facing me, and begins sucking my cock properly, and manages to play with my nipples with his hands at the same time. I focus intensely on the sensations, and manage to get into it. It actually feels really good. I'm quite hard now, and he's deep throating me, and I can feel his snake-like tongue flickering the underside of my cockhead. I feel like humping his mouth aggressively, but don't - I'm not sure if he'd like that.

I let him go on and on, until I realize I haven't pleasured him in quite a while, so thinking it's my turn to do him, I sit up, and he lays down on his back. I momentarily imagine climbing onto his face and forcefully sticking my cock in his mouth and fucking it - that always turned BC on. But again, I'm not sure if he likes aggression. So instead I go back to sucking his cock.

After just a few minutes he puts his hand on his cock to stop me, and says, "I'm close, I'm going to cum." I think to myself, "Why the hell not, let's get it over with."

"How would you like me to cum?" he asks me. I look puzzled, so he says, "I mean, on your chest, face or in your mouth?" I find his question a bit odd - I'm not sure how to respond. I really don't care - I don't get particularly excited by cum on my face though. I mean, it could get in my eyes. So I say, "Where do you like it?"

"In my mouth," he answers, quickly.

I said, "I like that too." So I go back to blowing him, and within 30 seconds he cums, without making any noise. I wouldn't have known he'd had an orgasm except that my mouth filled up with his cum. I wasn't sure that I wanted his cum in my mouth, but now it was, and cautiously I tasted it, wondering if I should spit it out in case it tasted gross.

But amazingly, it was probably the best cum I've ever tasted! It tasted completely neutral and clean. It was delicious! I swallowed it, and went back to licking up any traces left on his cock. I became a cum hungry cocksucker for a moment.

He looked completely drained, but I moved onto my back, waiting for him to finish me off. He collected his energy, and went down on me, doing quite a good job. I played with my nipples, which always increases the pleasure of a blow job for me, and within a minute or so came in his mouth. I looked at him, and he had a momentary look as if, "Um, do I want to swallow this?" After looking down at my stomach with his mouth full and wondering if he should spit it out, he decided to swallow it. And then he went back to sucking my dick, which was now overly sensitive and I yelped and hollered like his weiner dog.

I groaned, and he got up and grabbed the towel and washcloth and threw it at me, while he went to clean up. His weiner dog jumps up on the bed and starts chewing on my underwear, growling and flipping it back and forth like he's fighting with it. I pull them out of his mouth and put them on. Within moments, he was back and getting dressed, so I did too. I was still impressed by how delicious his cum was, so without thinking I said, "Are you a vegetarian?"

"What? Why do you ask?" he said.

"Well, it's a little gross, but…your cum tasted fantastic."

He smiled, pleased, and said, "Yeah, I only eat organic fruits and vegetables and some fish."

"I can tell," I said.

My bland but delicious tasting Lethbridge guy said we should get together again, I agreed, and before I knew it, I was out the door and on my way to the gym. In fact, I'd nearly forgotten about the whole blowjob by the time I reached the end of the block. I realized this, and thought - wow, that was so banal.

GLBT committees: their true colours?



Why is it that GLBT organizations are often so disorganized, dysfunctional and ultimately negative experiences for volunteers and hired contractors? In Vancouver, I worked on a large project for the GLBT community. I'd never been involved before at the organizational level and was excited to meet some of the driving forces and contribute my talents and abilities. After working with them for about six months, I realized I'd never worked with more fucked up, inexperienced and selfish people in my life.

Perhaps it's this way in every volunteer-based, non-profit society? Possibly it's true in every board driven organization? What I discovered is that it's highly political, in the social sense. Those who work on the board as supports tend to walk on egg shells, trying to avoid upsetting the delicate sensitivities of the more powerfully positioned and ego-maniacal personalities of the directors and other power players.

In this instance, there was a gay man who did a lot of the actual work in organizing the association, writing grants and making connections with other people in the community to get work done. He seemed to be working out of the goodness of his heart, because he truly cared about the organization and what it was doing. He appeared to be well balanced, soft spoken and a genuinely kind person. He lived off of disability so he worked as a volunteer. I'm not sure what the disability was for - I think it had something to do with being HIV positive, or possibly having AIDS, but I didn't clarify this with him.

Then there was a transgendered person, a male who lived as a female, who was possibly the most revolting, loud, sleazy, untalented, aggressive and manipulative human being I've ever met. Somehow this awful and corrupt person managed to get an important government job in health services. I honestly think she moved up to a Director position simply because the government has a policy of hiring visible minorities, not because she had any important skills or even a university education. (After getting the Director's job, she went on disability and has been on it for years and years - I'm not sure what it was for, but something to do with stress, depression and transgendered issues. So now she worked in a volunteer, assistant director capacity.) She was disorganized, couldn't write and showed up at meetings to bully people, pushing her personal agendas, and trying to gain power with her very loud voice. When she wanted something from you, she'd be very nice. She also constantly crossed professional/personal boundaries - I can't tell you how many times she aggressively sexually harassed me, and in entirely inappropriate situations. For instance, in a taxi she told me in her loud voice so that the driver could hear, how she'd been fucked last night by a trick, and then went onto tell me that she still had a penis, etc.

We constantly butt heads because she had no experience in the area that I worked, so didn't understand the process of how things are done. Actually, no one on the committee understood my area of expertise, so I was always educating them. For some reason they didn't believe what I told them, so they'd go contact another professional in my industry to make sure I wasn't lying. It would turn out that I was right, but it never seemed to build trust in me - I felt constantly under attack. The campaign turned out fabulous, everyone loved it and it was effective, but getting it accomplished was the biggest nightmare of my career.

Another contractor the association hired was a young gay male, again, professionally inexperienced, but who had a pleasing personality. It was his job to try to organize the campaign, and facilitate all of the competing and conflicting personalities in the association. I secretly called him 'The Politican,' because he was so skilled at being a people-pleaser without saying or doing anything concrete. He gained the support of all the important people and attempted to be the go-between myself and the rest of the organization. He also managed to get all of the public and media recognition from the campaign - he was the public personality and took all of the credit. He also liked to schmooze with Vancouver politicians, and found every opportunity to be photographed with them.

After working with them for a week, I began to hear all the gossip and cutting comments everyone had to say about each other, behind their backs. No one liked the transgendered Assistant Director but everyone was scared of her. The male Director who appeared to be nice, showed his true colours when something didn't go his way - he became unreasonable, irrational and stubborn. Then everyone danced around agreeing with him, even when it was clear that he was wrong. The other committee members were mostly silent, expressing their opinions on a rare occasion, but didn't insist on having their way done. Many of them were very professional and experienced, and I think they looked at the directorship as ridiculous, and avoided getting involved in the constant soap opera.

It seems to me that GLBT organizations tend to attract very screwed up people. I've even noticed it here in L*thbridge. There's always the young people, who are new to coming out, full of passion and anger at society, who act as though they have a chip on their shoulder because no one ever listened to them, and are incapable of working as a team. Someone brings up an idea and if it doesn't fit into their personal agenda, they disagree vehemently and aggressively. The concept of multiple perspectives and needs isn't in their mental framework. These associations also attract older versions of these youngsters, but are additionally motivated by gaining power and position. Why is it that these organizations always tend to attract people with no professional experience in their role? Also, sorry to be politically insensitive, but I've found transgendered people to be the most difficult to deal with it, as well as lesbians.

The GLBT community is likely a more extreme version of most organizations, committees and boards, because those involved have had to deal with negative personal and societal attitudes toward their sexuality. They are constantly battling their internalized self-hatred and externalize it when attempting to work with others. Likely the situation is better in larger cities like San Francisco and New York because there is greater acceptance of gays and lesbians.

Ironically working with them made me feel like an enemy within my own community - something I've never experienced when working with the heterosexual community. It's amazing that anything ever gets accomplished.

There is Life in L*thbridge



Thursday night I decided to check out gay.com and was amazed to discover that there were actually half a dozen or so guys online from L*thbridge. Usually the chatroom is empty or there's one lurker who's always on. Maybe it's because the post-secondary students are coming back into town, getting ready for the fall term. Anyway, I ended up chatting with a few interesting men.

The first was a young 24 year old couple who moved here from Ontario. Both of them are pretty hot. They wanted me to come over and fool around. In particular, the blond wanted me to "aggressive f*ck" his boyfriend. Unfortunately it was too late for me to travel to the end corner of this town, so I passed. Since then we've been volleying messages back and forth.

Then "L*thbridge bisexual" messaged me. I started chatting with him before I looked at his profile, and oh my goodness, he has to be one of the best looking guys I've ever seen. He's 26, 6'2", 180 lbs, blond, blue eyes and has the most gorgeous lats and smile. After chatting for a while, he wanted to go to MSN because he kept getting messaged by the other guys on gay.com. After chatting for a while, I discovered that he has practically no experience with gay sex, other than at parties where other guys get drunk and fool around a bit. He met one guy out dancing once, and ended up blowing each other in his car. He's a student. Unfortunately I had to take a phone call, so I ended up losing our chat. Nevertheless, it made me feel more positive about this city.

Another handsome guy I chatted with, 33, moved here from Vancouver about four years ago. We had a lot to reminesce about, but he actually likes L*thbridge. He invited me to go for coffee this upcoming week, once he gets back from Medicine Hat.

Then last night I chatting with another bisexual guy, who apparently lives just a few blocks from me. He's closer to my age, 5'7", 165, brown hair and green eyes. He offered to connect me to his web cam, but because MSN doesn't make the most recent version for Mac, I was unable to see him live. Nevertheless, we're going for a hike in the coulees tonight.

I guess I'll be walking under the H*gh Level Bridge - not across it - for now.

Small Town Celibacy



[Picture: At the bottom of the coulees of Lethbridge]

One thing I really dislike about Lethbridge is that it has put a complete end to my sex life. If there are gay people here, I don't have a clue where to find them. There's a few online, but the majority are unattractive old men. Long gone are the days of going online and hooking up with a hot guy within an hour, like it was in Vancouver.

Apparently there are "gay dances" once a month at the Polish Centre here, but only from September to May, when the university kids are in town for school. I've heard that everyone stands around nervously giggling like at a high school dance. I can't imagine the music would be any good either.

There are no coffee shops or mixed dance clubs in this city to meet other gay men. Apparently the trails down by the coulees are frequented, but again, mostly with older men, and that scene just isn't my style.

Then it seems when you do meet someone for a coffee, or online, you end up knowing their entire social network. It becomes very messy. Long gone are the days of hooking up with someone once or twice, and never running into them, or their friends, again.

It could be my own projection, but I also get the impression that because the gay people here live in a small town, they're a lot more sensitive. They actually have feelings - you can hurt them if you turn them down, or don't want to see them again, or possibly even just have bad sex. And because you know where they work, or who their friends are, or go to the same university, or your sister is married to one of their cousins, or you go to the same church - there's just no getting away from the situation. You have to be accountable for all your actions here. One bad word from some gay guy you meet to another gay guy in Lethbridge, and your reputation is tarnished. People will whisper behind your back. Because people's lives here are so dull, it becomes the discussion du jour around the water cooler.

I met a cute young kid, 20, for a possible hook up the other day. We met for coffee, and after talking for an hour, I realized I just couldn't have sex with him. Not because I didn't want to, or that he was unattractive: it was because I was afraid of hurting his feelings. He tried to put on a good "front" - as though he was casual about sex and hook ups. But part of me didn't buy it. Because there are so few options here, I imagine gay guys fall in love with someone new at the drop of a hat. They're just so relieved to have met someone who shares their sexuality that they're not terribly picky.

In addition, he happened to know quite a few people that I know, and with whom I will have to interact with regularly over the upcoming year. I could imagine that if I had sex with him, then didn't bother to contact him again, how rejected and hurt he'd feel, and how he'd tell all those people we both know.

I can understand why so many gay men in Lethbridge travel to Calgary regularly, just to "get some." I'm going to have to make several trips in the upcoming months.

Another guy I've chatted with online for a few months is bisexual (and he probably reads this, so stop reading now!). Like many bisexual men, he wanted to be assured of complete confidentiality, even down to the fact that if we saw each other around town we wouldn't say hello to one another. That surprised me: while this situation never came about for me in Vancouver (because it's so large) I thought, "What's the big deal with saying hello?" But after talking more, we discovered that we'd be working out at the same gym eventually, and if I saw him, I'd have to pretend I didn't know him. Apparently he is well known in Lethbridge, and doesn't want to risk anyone knowing that he fools around with other men. Not being able to acknowledge one another's presence, even just by saying, "Hello," disturbed me. It didn't sit right with me - especially if we had fooled around together and been intimate. And it pisses me off that he'll be working out at the same gym as myself, meaning that I'll probably have to deal with the situation. So at this point in time, I'm very split as to whether or not we should hook up. We haven't yet.



I really don't know how gay men manage to live in such a small town. I can't wait to leave. Man, do I ever miss getting together with Brad. Not just because of his looks - I felt like we really connected on some level. But I haven't heard or seen from him in over a month. Some guy, the same age as Brad, committed suicide last week by jumping off the High Level Bridge [see image above]. They didn't release his name in the paper - I hope it wasn't Brad.

Who knows, it might be me soon!

J.C.



[Note: This soccer player looks nothing like J.C., but I haven't been able to find a pic of someone who's as gorgeous and blond as J.C. yet, so this is just eye candy filler.]

"Why don't you go fuckin' nail yourself to the wall, if you can't nail the ball, you fuckin' fuck-up." J.C. said, with perfectly shaped, full lips and a scowl on his flawless face. This said after a team member missed smashing the volleyball into the opponents arena.

He was one of those German/Scandanavians, who's so blond, their long eyelashes are invisible, as are their shapely brows. Nearly albino, his short, but full head of thick blond hair was silvery in sunlight.

Provoked at any real or imagined sleight, this freak of nature would yell in a deep voice, puff up his pectorals, fist his hands and get in yer face. You thought he was about to punch you in any given moment. But he looked like an angel.

He was heard to have said, "I'm the smartest guy around here," and chose a new person to pick on every few days. I used to watch him stretching during warm-ups, in his shorts and tank, marveling at his smooth, small-pored skin and blushed-ivory skin. I drooled over his Men's Fitness body; his shapely thighs that ended in a rounded, fuckable butt. When he leaned back on his arms, I enviously admired his defined triceps and biceps. Doing sit ups I imagined the abs underneath his wife-beater, and the square swell of pectorals with tongue inviting rose-colored nipples.

He liked to loudly proclaim how rich and important his father is, how big their country home is, how many boats and Rvs they owned. Although he gave me many reasons to not like him, I couldn't help it. I saw him as a young kid (23) who simply hadn't grown up yet. J.C. overheard me talking to someone about my history, and after thinking for a while, he came running over to me. He had a habit of standing too close to people, then speaking loudly and gesturing aggressively.

"How old were you when you went to university? 8?" His silvery green eyes looked at me widely. "How old the fuck are you?" His index finger stabbed me in the chest when he made his point.

Immensely complimented, I told him, and he replied, "Holy shit, I thought you were fuckin' just a few years older than me, maybe ten. I didn't realize you could be my fuckin' father!"

After being at the retreat for a week, I never saw J.C. in the weight gym. I realized he didn't work out. He played sports with us, but I never saw him working on his perfect body. I eventually approached him, and said:

"I never see you working out in the weight room - don't you lift weights?"

"No," he said sullenly.

Mirroring his language, I said, "Holy shit, so you look like that without working out?"

J.C. smiled bigly when he realized I was stroking his ego, and said, "Yeah."

I said, "I didn't even know there were people like you…am I ever envious!"

"I guess you and I both have good genes." J.C. said.

Just at that moment, another guy, Cody from Vancouver, came walking up and saw our interaction and said, "What you talking about? Did Intertextual just tell you you're cute?"

It must have been obvious that I was flirting. I was embarrassed, but J.C. seemed non-plussed and laughed, shaking it off.

Cody said, in a joking tone, "Well you are J.C."

As a result, I didn't have to deal with being the object of J.C.s anger management problem during my vacation.

J.C.s bravado must have been masking a very sensitive nature, because he was one of the few guys who broke down and cried when we all said goodbye.

Co-Dependent?


Kevin explained a co-dependent relationship by 'going off' on a narrative-rant (and it wasn't even directed at me):

"You like to get involved with someone who is less educated, talented and attractive than you, so that you get to feel needed. You believe that this person needs your help, and because you have so much to offer, you get a false sense of security by being with them - you think they won't leave you, because there's no one better for them than you.

But overtime, you actually do help them to feel better about themselves, so that their self-esteem raises and they realize that you're not the right person for them. So they end up leaving you anyway.

You wonder why you're always betrayed. Ironically, you were the one dependent on them."

Kevin's rant was directed at someone else, but it actually impacted me. I'd never heard it described so clearly before. It described each of my relationships! It's really made me reconsider my past decisions...

Trevor: Unmasked: Part 3
Read Part 2 here.



Trevor's nipples became erect when we entered the air conditioned hospital. He had goosebumps, so he put on his t-shirt.

Because it's a small country hospital, there was no one waiting. Trevor got admitted immediately. There was a mirror on the wall, in which Trevor looked at himself. He made faces at himself, trying to move the muscles on the left side of his face. He looked so cute.

The doctor was cute too. He looked like he was 21. He was short and cute. He used the internet to look up Trevor's problem.

Trevor had a virus, that started eating up the muscular nerves on the left side of his face. In the majority of cases, the nerves heal, but it may take one to three months. What's ironic is that, in therapy, Trevor was working on "unmasking."

"I guess I've only half-unmasked," he said.

He had just taken a workshop in un-masking. Before I met him, he was Mr. Tough Guy. I guess I was meeting the kinder, gentler guy.

Trevor: Unmasked

Read the first part here.



His right eye wouldn't stop blinking.

"See," Trevor said.

I looked him straight in the face and noticed for the first time how long his dark and thick his eyelashes were. They lined his lids, making the green in his eyes more prominent. He moved his head from side to side, first showing me one eye, then the other. The soft morning light lit his face, and his chiseled jaw and cheekbones cast dramatic shadows. He is a living Caravaggio.

I turned a little red when I gazed at his lips and remembered my early morning fantasy. He blinked twice about once every second.

"Everyone's going to think I'm winking at them," he joked.

Since he had developed a sore throat two days earlier, I wasn't too concerned for him. Sometimes when I'm coming down with a cold, my eye will twitch, imperceptibly for a few days. True, it didn't blink like Trevor's eye, but perhaps this was just a different manifestation of the same problem.

Leaving the 7-11 the next day, I saw Trevor with a group of other people from the retreat outside, gorging themselves on buffalo wings, corndogs and slurpees. I decided to slip away and go back to camp without saying hello: there were a few obnoxious guys I didn't feel like dealing with.

I turned the corner, thinking I'd successfully avoided them, when I saw Trevor catch my eye. With a smirk on his face he impulsively dashed toward me, and said, "Think you'd get away from me that easily?" He winked at me.

Without warning, he peeled off his t-shirt in a quick, fluid motion. Smooth Hershey milk chocolate skin rippled with taut pecs and abs. A flash of dark hairy armpits. Tufts of silky chest hair danced between his pecs, and trailed from his navel into nether regions.

"Could you do that in slow motion?" I wanted to ask. His nipple was at my eye level, and I was dangerously too close.


"I can't close my left eye now," Trevor said, then sucked on his vanilla slushee.

"What do you mean?" I offered him a piece of my Cadbury Fruit and Nut Bar.

"No thanks, I don't like chocolate," he said. He stopped suddenly, facing me, and I nearly walked mouth first into his pecs. He squinched, but only the right side of his face wrinkled. The left side didn't move.

"See?" he said.







The right side of his mouth curled into a sneer, but the left side remained placid. His blinking right eye and brow scowled, but the left eye remained open and expressionless.

"Holee, when did that happened?" I asked, horrified.

"It started this morning when I woke up," Trevor said. "I think it's gotten worse as the day went on."

"Have you seen a doctor?" I asked.

"No, but do you think I should? Everyone's just been teasing me about it, so I wasn't sure if it was serious."

"So you can't even shut your left eye when you try? How are you going to sleep tonight?" I asked, in horror. "I think we should go to emergency RIGHT NOW!" We started walking at a face pace toward the country hospital, only a few blocks away. I wanted to run there.

"What do you think it is…a stroke?" he wondered, aloud. "Maybe it's a reaction to the antibiotics I'm taking for my sore throat?"

"I don't know, but we definitely need to get it checked out."

Boreal Bluet


writing without punctuation
is like the dragonfly that
slipstreams cross the surface
of the mirror and is
reflected 423 times two
but doesn't see itself because
it's driven along by the current
it navigates with gossamer wings
and only angels know to where it goes
it distinguishes itself not from the
wind or the water or the waves of grass
it glides glistening a fluorescent blue
a sliver of sky let loose and fluttering
it flies by and by

Trevor


I saw the back of his neck, first. The chocolate latte skin. And the beautiful shape of his sculptured head, shaved bristle-short. Then he turned around and smiled at me with smoky hazel eyes framed by streamlined brows, an aquiline nose and full, beautifully shaped lips. The corners of his mouth curled upward into a single quotation mark.

I couldn't stop looking at his lips. The way his pearly teeth pressed into them, softly lingering. He looked like a Dolce and Gabbana model: unattainable. But he exuded an earthy, comforting warmth.

He said hello in a voice I wanted to snuggle into. And when he extended his arm in greeting, I noticed his baseball sized bicep and skull tattoo. I was a bit scared, because if you didn’t notice the genuine friendliness in his eyes, you might think he would stick a knife into you.

"Trevor," he said.

He told me that he had been in and out of prison for various reasons, including vehicle thefts, possession of firearms and public mischief. But that’s because he’d been doing crack and crystal meth. Then he spent 8 months in a psychiatric hospital seeing demons while hallucinating, brought on by the drugs. Trevor said it had made him a believer in the spiritual realm.

While in the hospital, another patient wrote him a rap song.

"Do you want to hear it?" Trevor asked me.

He sat down and leaned in closer to me, so his lips nearly touched my ear, and without hesitating spoke the words in rhythm. His cappuccino voice was hypnotic and put me in a spell. I wanted to lay cupped in arms in bed, having him whisper songs in my ear.

He showed me his tattoo: a skull with a cross on its forehead, and a gun-holding hand with the numbers 187 scrawled across the top. Celtic flourishes wrapped around his triceps and down to his forearms. "187", he explained, stood for some gang code. I can't remember what exactly, because when he told me I was mesmerized by his lips forming the words.

Later, at 3am I woke with an erection. I imagined his hazel eyes looking up at me while those soft, luscious lips blew me. I shot my load, and massaged it into a creamy froth on my torso.

Mason Wyler


I'm not prone to writing about porn stars, but I have to break tradition and mention "Mason Wyler." Unlike some people, I really like porn. I first saw this guy on Randy Blue and completely fell in lust with him. He has to be the sexiest guy I've ever seen. I just wanted to bring him to your attention. What do you think?

Goodbye Chris Labelle!

Unfortunately Chris was voted off last night. I guess the Canadian audience didn't go for his monopoly money throwing stage antics and red Mohawk. I sure did. I think he's so hot!


So does Ben Mulroney, apparently. You can see him rubbing his hair in the animated image above, and he was so touchy-feely with Chris. I would be too, so I don't blame him.



During Chris' goodbye speech, he joked about wanting to be a tv weatherman, and then said that he would be releasing a CD in January, apparently on his own label. I seriously would go watch this guy perform - I'll have to see if I can get him to Southern Alberta.

There's an interview with him on the Canadian Idol site here - scroll to the bottom and click on "Chris Labelle." He reminds me a lot of Brad, in the way he talks in a stream of consciousness. Best wishes to him.

Gender, Sex & Sexuality: Moving Toward an Omnisexuality



As we enter into a new millennium, one of the most important challenges facing humanity is to transform our understanding of gender, sex, and sexuality. While much work has been done in the last few decades, there is still much suffering in the world surrounding these issues. The spiritual meaning and purpose of gender, sex, and sexuality are difficult topics to discuss because our culture has many false beliefs about them. Discussion brings these false beliefs, which need to be examined and surrendered, to our awareness which triggers inner struggles. But the challenges they involve are one of their many gifts. Understanding these gifts brings a greater awareness of our wholeness and divinity so we may experience the ecstasy of our true nature.

In this article, I give you my thoughts on the dance of passion between the Shakti and Shiva energies within us, and how our relationship to each gives rise to our experience of sexuality. I avoid giving Shiva and Shakti a gender, because I believe that our culture's myths about male and female qualities are based upon false beliefs. These false beliefs result in karmic core issues, which are played out in human sexuality, and ask for our healing.

The diversity of human sexuality is truly remarkable, and each manifestation of it requires us to deconstruct our false beliefs about power and the meanings of gender, so that we become truly empowered. Learning to love the unique expressions of our divinity, through the expression of our human sexual selves, allows us to get closer to experiencing the erotic and passionate nature of the universe.

The ecstatic love of Shakti and Shiva

Each one of us carries within equal amounts of the complementary energies of the Creator. There are many names for these energies, but in this article I will identify them as the Vedic notions of Shiva and Shakti.

Shiva is the aspect of God within that is pure consciousness and potential power. It is like the dark matter described by Kryon that makes up the universe - it is infinite, aware, potential energy. It is invisible and silent. It is unlimited creative potential. It is omnipresent and the source of all that is. Shiva may be thought of as conceptual and intellectual. Shiva speaks to us through knowing - without words or feelings. Shiva is love.

Shakti is the aspect of God within that is creative power in action. Shakti is the will or desire that brings Shiva's potential into motion, and manifests it. It passionately triggers the potential creativity of Shiva, and actualizes it. Shakti is expressive and speaks to us through our senses. It is inspiration. Shakti is the verb form of love - loving.

Shiva and Shakti are not separate or distinct, and always work together as one. They are two sides of the indivisible Creator. In myth, Shakti's love for Shiva makes Shakti dance passionately and bring Shiva's creative potential into existence. They exist together in eternal ecstasy. It is their dance of intimacy that creates us and allows us to know and experience love. It is the source and force behind everything, including our relationships. It is the drive behind passionate love for each other and ourselves. We are Shiva and Shakti. When we are conscious of these universal forces of God within - when we acknowledge them as cooperative aspects of love, we experience ecstasy, wholeness, and a divine love for all that is.

When we fall in love, we are recognizing through the Shakti and Shiva within, the divinity of the other.

Shakti and Shiva are unrelated to gender

I wish to avoid applying gender specificity to these two energies by calling Shiva 'masculine' energy and Shakti 'feminine' energy. This confuses the nature of God because in our culture, male power has nothing to do with the characteristics of Shiva. Aggression, competition, domination and other abuses of power are the result of denying awareness of Shiva and misapplying the energies of Shakti. Aggression is Shakti energy without the awareness of love. It is fear in action. And where there is fear, love is hidden and denied.

Likewise, our culture has a very distorted understanding of 'feminine' power,' and so confuses our understanding of Shakti. Females in our culture have not been associated with power, but instead with passivity and receptivity. Even creativity is, at times, associated with weakness in North American culture. Yet Shakti empowers all action and creation.

The power associated with men and women in our culture is not the result of 'masculine' and 'feminine' energies - they are the result of Shiva and Shakti operating together to create imbalanced manifestations of power.

'Masculine' and 'feminine' qualities are based on myths. This is a false belief that has arisen over centuries of human evolution to the point that our genetic code has been affected to some degree and seems to provide "proof" that there is an essential difference.

Gender is neutral in meaning

It is like the color of your eyes or skin. We have applied beliefs to a neutral characteristic of our human bodies over the thousands of years that we have walked the earth. These beliefs are the result of an imbalance in Shiva and Shakti energies. Our false beliefs about gender are one of the most important gifts that sexuality brings to our awareness to be healed.

Falling in love

When we fall in love, Shiva gives us an inner knowing that the object of our affection can help to make us aware of our wholeness. Shakti inspires us to act and the union of the two energies within us causes us to experience passionate, sensual, and erotic love. We are driven to unite with the other, to explore the nature of our loved one, because we see a reflection of our wholeness in him or her. Sex is the act that mirrors the union of Shiva and Shakti within us - we desire to merge into wholeness with ourself.

For example, when I have met my romantic partners, I have known from the beginning that we would get involved in a relationship. A wordless, silent part of me knows and acknowledges that we have an important connection. This is the Shiva aspect of my being. The silent knowing of Shiva starts bubbling around inside me, stirring my emotions and passions and joyfully moves me to act on the knowing, so that I will see this person again. My feelings and desire to act is the Shakti energy working inside of me.

Shiva and Shakti energies must work cooperatively in us in order for us to fall in love, and on a deeper level, realize our divinity. There are individuals who never seem to meet a romantic partner. He or she may hold a false core belief that they are not worthy of love and therefore shut out the knowingness of Shiva. Or he or she may hear the wordless voice of Shiva, but doubt negates it, and therefore does not act on it and initiate Shakti's powers. At the root is fear. Where there is fear, there is a karmic core issue to heal, and until it is surrendered, we will not hear the wordless voice of Shiva's love. Where there is fear, we will not trust our inner guidance and act upon it in a loving, self-affirming manner.

When Shiva and Shakti energies are imbalanced, they create suffering, obsession, control issues and other forms of powerlessness. There are many variations of this. Some people always seem to be pining for someone who never appears or is unavailable. Others get involved with people who they can control, or who control them. Love does not involve pining or loss, and neither does it involve control. Only fear creates these situations, which are based on a false core belief of powerless and unworthiness of love.

Fear shuts down the guidance of Shiva, and uses Shakti in ways that we experience as non-loving and abusive. All relationships and sexual practices that are based on control, power over another, and powerlessness, are the result of Shakti energies being used in ways that are fear-based. The paradox is that even in fear-based uses of Shakti there is only love. Shiva only allows Shakti Shiva's power, and Shakti only acts and brings Shiva's potential into actuality because within everything and every experience is love. As long as any situation is needed for a spiritual purpose, both Shiva and Shakti allow it into creation. But the abuse of Shakti's power is not the easiest way to learn to heal our false core beliefs.

Complementary Relationships

Complementary relationships are manifested by our need to recognize in ourselves what we see in others. When we deny that the qualities we see in the other do not exist within ourselves, we become dependent on the other to give us a sense of completion or reject them because they reflect shadow qualities we wish to deny in ourselves.

Our dependence on another is not stable, because our fears become triggered. The ecstasy of falling in love usually lasts for only a few months, because we begin to fear that the wholeness we experience with another will be taken away. Our fear silences the voice of Shiva within. Our security is threatened, and our fears cause us to behave in defensive ways. We attempt to manipulate the other into giving us what we need by being demanding, threatening (we'll withdraw our love and affection until we get what we want or in extreme cases react with emotional and physical abuse), by trying to make the other feel guilty and acquiesce to our expectations, or by trying to please the other and denying our true feelings and needs. We misuse our Shakti energies.

Those in the relationship begin to experience conflict and drama. Each person is attempting to find wholeness in the other, instead of recognizing his or her wholeness within.

What do we see in another that makes us believe we will find wholeness in him or her? Ask yourself, "If my partner were to leave me, what would I feel missing?" Is it his or her independence, self-control, discipline, intellect and reason, competitiveness, or assertiveness? Is it his or her spontaneity, warmth, humor, honesty, passion, intuition, spirituality, cooperativeness, loyalty, protection, trustworthiness, ability to surrender or nurture? These are qualities we must recognize and honor within ourselves.

On the other hand, ask yourself, "What do I dislike most about my partner?" Is it their selfishness, detachment, rudeness, or dependence? Each of these mirror qualities we need to acknowledge, accept and love within ourselves, and thereby bring wholeness to our psyches. For example, if we experience our partner as selfish, then perhaps we need to be more selfish and honor our own needs by setting boundaries about what is acceptable behavior toward us.

Once we work through our false core beliefs, fears and accept ourselves with love, we bring Shiva and Shakti back into balance and again may experience the ecstasy of their cooperative union in others, the world and ourselves.

Deconstructing the myths of gender

One of the most important spiritual purposes of sexual attraction is to help us to deconstruct false core beliefs about gender. The limitless creativity of Shiva and Shakti has come up with many twists and turns in the experience and practice of sexuality. I will attempt to explain some of these and unwind some myths about gender.

Many thousands of years ago, when humans began to believe that we are separate from God, the loving guidance of Shiva became difficult to hear. Our belief in separateness of God triggered fears and insecurities, because we lost touch with our divinity. Our human selves took over, and tried achieving a sense of power and security by controlling others, or allowing ourselves to be controlled. We misused our Shakti energies. Through controlling others, or being controlled, we gained a sense of power, but it was illusory. Yet it brought certain gratifications for a creature that had forgotten its true divine nature.

In many cultures myths evolved about the nature of strength and power, and how these are related to male defensive behaviors such as aggression, domination and control. Women were relegated to serving men, and taught to be submissive, supportive and powerless. While there were always cultures that differed in beliefs regarding the imbalance of power between men and women, these expectations dominated world cultures. In the early twenty-first century, we are still attempting to usurp these myths.

We are all familiar with them. A man is aggressive, dominating, competitive, logical, physically strong, tough, unemotional, rational, territorial and independent. A woman is supposed to be passive, nurturing, cooperative, emotional, weak, compliant and dependent. Both of these are based upon an imbalance between Shiva and Shakti energies.

If we deviate from these cultural norms, we are ostracized, threatened, punished and rejected. Most of us have spent a lot of energy denying aspects of who we are in order to be accepted by others and our culture. This has lead to greater self-hatred and suffering. The truth is that we are all capable of all these qualities. Fortunately there have always been individuals who honored themselves and lived to be exceptions and examples to others.

There are many women throughout history who have exhibited qualities usually associated with men, and were very successful. In spite of our culture's beliefs, they achieved power or self-actualization in a male-dominated world. Feminism opened the doors on a large scale to begin examining, and deconstructing cultural myths about femininity, masculinity and gender.

Likewise, many men have had qualities usually associated with women in our culture. In various times and ages they were known as artistic, creative, sensitive, emotional, peaceful and nurturing beings. Sometimes they were relegated to positions of artist, fop, philosopher or holy man. Today there is a greater awareness of the many variations and combinations of masculine and feminine qualities within every male and female individual, and in some areas of the world, greater acceptance. The gender revolution keeps evolving.

Before incorporating, we choose specific combinations of gender and personal characteristics for many reasons. Women with strong 'male' characteristics may help other females to claim their own. And men with strong 'female' characteristics also challenge cultural norms and pervading societal beliefs. Our higher selves plan these variations from cultural norms with wisdom, in order to teach us about our society's limiting beliefs about gender. Each is an opportunity to learn become free of these limiting beliefs by validating and loving our own expression of divinity and those in others.

Sexual attraction variations

Other than gender and individual variations from cultural norms, there is also the variation of sexual attraction preferences. Sexual preferences, I believe, are chosen prior to incorporating in order to challenge individual and societal myths about gender, and give us opportunities to learn specific spiritual lessons.

I believe that sexual preference exists in the coding of our DNA as energy patterns, just as our personality, innate talents and abilities, physical appearance, and karmic core beliefs do. Sexual preferences may remain consistent over a person's life, or they may go through a sudden change. Some people, identified as bisexuals, experience a greater fluidity and freedom of choice in their sexual preference.

It's important not to confuse 'masculine' and 'feminine' characteristics with sexual preference. Sexual preference is a feature of our human selves that is a separate phenomenon.

While there are gay men and lesbians who clearly exhibit culturally defined 'feminine' and 'masculine' characteristics not peculiar to their gender, there are others who are perfect examples of our society's stereotypes of gender. Being gay does not mean that you are 'feminine.' And being lesbian does not mean that you are "butch." And like heterosexual men and women, most fall somewhere in-between.

Gays and lesbians — challenging patriarchal society

Our Western culture may be homophobic because sexual relationships between two men threaten our society's cultural/gender norms, and the foundation upon which male dominance is built — heterosexuality.

In the most extreme and dysfunctional examples of patriarchal culture, where a male and female attempt to experience power within its myths of gender, sexual relationships are eroticized as acts of domination and submission. The sexual dynamic may not be as obvious as sadomasochism, but instead involve subtle psychological control maneuvers. In the old energy, most sexual relationships involve the eroticization of power to some degree.

In this situation, a man uses the sexual passion of Shakti to eroticize his physical domination of a female, thereby giving himself an illusory sense of power. A woman too, uses the passion of Shakti to allow herself to eroticize the act of submitting to the physical domination of a male. Within passivity there is also the illusion of control, though it is more challenging to perceive because it is non-assertive.

Both individuals are attempting to experience power, either through domination or submission, and simultaneously they uphold the values of their culture — men are dominating, women are submissive.

In this model it is suggested that homosexual acts are paradoxical. According to this theory of sexuality, the men involved eroticize one another's symbols of masculine power, such as their physical structure, clothing and behavior. Yet the masculine power is simultaneously defiled, because the men engage in sexual acts that dominate or submit to another man. When a man allows himself to be dominated by another man, then the power of masculinity is defiled in a patriarchal society. Male power is based upon domination — not submission.

These are interpretations and experiences of human sexuality without the loving awareness that Shiva brings. Without love, sexuality becomes a forum of attempting to achieve a false sense of power. The individual who believes they are powerlessness attempts to regain a sense of power through his or her sexuality.

Sex, when practiced in this manner, is not about tenderness, intimacy, or communion with another individual. Without awareness of Shiva and Shakti together, there is only the impulse toward a false and fleeting sense of power and security. Where there is a balance of Shiva and Shakti, there is true intimacy, communion and love. True power — the power of love — comes from within each individual and is shared.

Gay sexuality

Gay sexual attraction is modeled upon the same template as heterosexual attraction. Within each man, or woman, are qualities denied in self, and in need of acknowledgement and acceptance. Gender plays very little part in this.

Other than challenging society's myths about gender, my sexuality provided other spiritual challenges. When I consider the meanings and spiritual purposes of being a gay male, many complex, interwoven reasons emerge.

When I was a child, I had qualities, and identified with interests that are usually associated with females. This did not make me gay, and it is not to say that I didn't feel male — I did, and do, and enjoy being male. But the things that interested most men — such as competitive team sports, and aggressive play-fighting — didn't appeal to me. My father modeled for me a gentle, non-aggressive demeanor, but he was disappointed when I couldn't share his excitement in playing hockey or baseball. I was naturally more attracted to creative and expressive endeavors.

My personality indicates that I am created with a greater propensity for culturally defined 'female' characteristics and interests. Not that I am effeminate or in any way less than other men. None of this has anything to do with sexual preference — it is important to recognize that heterosexual men may have similar characteristics to myself, and many gay men have identical interests and characteristics to our society's description of a typical heterosexual male.

I was aware of sexual feelings towards other males even before puberty, though I hadn't developed a discourse around these feelings. In puberty I showed a mild sexual interest in girls my age, but it was other males that I felt most strongly about. This caused several problems for me, from which I learned many important lessons.

The most important lesson was self-validation, on many levels. My family, peers and entire culture considered being gay an abomination, or a perversion. It set up a conundrum — either I could deny my sexual desires, thoughts and feelings in order to please others, but end up in self-hatred; or I could affirm my feelings, thoughts and desires, work through the fears of being rejected and hated by my family, friends and society, but honor myself.

Being gay made me become more independent and learn to honor and trust my inner self in a deeper way. I learned over many years that how I feel about myself is more important than what others think of me. I found that as I loved and accepted myself more, others accepted and loved me for who I am. Being gay made me risk losing my family's love and support by acting on what I knew to be essential to my wellbeing. It also made me question the core beliefs on which our world is formed, and challenge these when it conflicted with my inner truth.

These lessons involve core issues we all must face on their spiritual journey at some point our soul's evolution. Each one of us takes a different route.

Whenever I examine the many variations of sexual expression, there are two main core issues that emerge:
• The importance of honoring the self, even when it contradicts cultural and societal expectations. Even when we face possible rejection by our families, peers, friends and society. We must learn to love who we are, regardless of others' opinions.
• The importance of rejecting and living outside of societal/cultural gender expectations. We all exist outside of them. By doing so, we begin to own all aspects of who we are and awaken to our wholeness.

By accepting and validating who we are with love, we deconstruct the core belief that we are not worthy of love and are powerless. We begin to awaken to our wholeness and true power and step outside the use of sex to gain a sense of illusionary power.

The existence of gay and lesbian sexuality, and other deviations from heterosexuality, challenges everyone's beliefs about gender and makes us question the deeper meanings and purposes of sexuality. Consider these creative expressions of sexuality and the challenges not only for the individuals involved, but for our society's understanding of sexuality and gender:
• A heterosexual male who likes to wear panties, nylons, makeup and other accoutrements of 'female' garb in order to make him feel sexually aroused with a female.
• A lesbian, who on the outside appears to exemplify our society's expectations of femininity and female beauty, but inside, feels male. She has told me that she feels like a "male inside a perfect female body."
• A heterosexual man discovers after being married for 15 years that his sexual preference is now sliding over to the gay end of the spectrum.
• A lesbian who spent years accepting her sexuality and becoming empowered, suddenly finds herself attracted only to men, and has to go through the difficult process of coming out as a heterosexual and faces losing the friendship and support of her lesbian community.

Whenever we own our sexuality and unique divine expression, we own our true power. The second chakra governs the arenas of sexuality and power, so these two energies are intimately related. Whenever we bring healing to one, we experience new challenges, opportunities and healing in the other. When our true sense of power is restored at a core level, our sexuality shifts, temporarily ungrounding us and requires further integration of our wholeness and power. How our sexuality shifts depends upon the unique spiritual challenges we have committed to individually.

Sex and sexuality in the new millennium

As humanity continues to ascend, what will happen to our sexuality, and what purpose will it have? This is a complex and challenging question, and there are as many answers as there are individual souls. There are many paths, and each allows us to explore our wholeness and power. But I am willing to offer some possibilities.

Many of us may experience greater freedom in sexual preference, as we extricate ourselves from karmic core issues. As our beliefs about gender begin to break down, exposing the illusions involved, then it is possible that we will begin to experience men and women as spiritual beings, outside of gender. Gender may no longer be the focus of sexual attraction — instead our erotic attraction is based upon the inner qualities of the individual. Some may move toward an omnisexuality.

Omnisexuality is a term that describes the eros and passion in all creation. Literally, we become involved in an erotic relationship with all that is. We experience the divine nature of all that is, within everything and everyone. As we heal the fears of our core issues, and surrender to our divinity, the Shiva and Shakti energies within us are reunited.

The union of Shiva and Shakti within

I have been fortunate enough to experience this phenomenon to some degree. Last spring, I could feel a powerful surge of energy trying to work its way through my body, but it was blocked by tension in my hip area. I felt afraid of the power of this energy — I was experiencing it as a highly aggressive energy and as primal in nature. I was having a difficult time staying grounded in it. At the time I believed it was some kind of 'masculine' energy.

My guidance led me to a specific massage therapist, who specialized in tantric massage. He was familiar with a wide range of massage techniques. Because of some holding pattern in my body, the muscles surrounding my hips were contracted, tilting them to the right. I intuitively knew that I needed to work with my breath and allowed myself to breathe in sync with an ebb and flow of energy within me. In order to release the tension, the massage therapist pressed his entire body weight with his elbow into my hip, which caused extreme pain for a few moments.

Suddenly I felt the tension release, and the powerful energy that was trying to work its way through my body surged through the bottom of my feet, up my legs, through my hip, and up my spine. The energy flowed back and forth rhythmically, and my breathing synchronized with it. I felt as though I had completely surrendered my whole being into the energies of the universe. As the energy moved through my body, it kissed every cell of my body with the most amazing passion and love. It was deeply erotic, though not in the usual sexual sense.

The massage therapist intuitively knew what was happening to me, and worked with the energy to move it through my body. At one point, as I was taking a deep breath in, he moved a strong stream of energy up my legs and spine and it suddenly focussed in one great mass in the center of my head. I lost awareness of myself as an individual. I merged, it seemed, with all that is, for a split second. The experience was ecstatic. Suddenly the energy poured out of the top of my head, and it felt like, well… an orgasm!

I felt like the universe had just made love to me. It was the most nurturing and deeply loving emotional and physical experience I had ever had. My inner guidance was also fully awake, and giving me wordless insights about it and many other things. These include:
• The entire fabric of the universe is love.
• The experience of this love is available whenever we surrender to it.
• Aggression is not the result of 'male' energies, but the result of fear blocking the energy of Shakti, so the expression of her power is distorted. Behind this fear is love.

When I got off the table I felt like a baby trying to take his first steps. It was as though I had never been in a physical body before, and each movement through the ether of our physical universe was erotic and ecstatic. When I left the office and went onto the street, I felt so open, alive and full of love. I had a beautific smile on my face and had to stop myself from embracing everyone I saw on the street. I experienced the spiritual beauty of people around me, and saw the fear that held them back from experiencing it.

Perhaps the path of human sexuality in this new age is one that may lead us to omnisexuality. An erotic, sexual relationship with life itself — the most fulfilling and satisfying sexual experience imaginable.

Chris Labelle and Brad Update


----Update to my update: The Canadian Idol/CTV people must have discovered the clips on YouTube and removed them. So I've deleted the videos. Too bad! They were very fun.



I emailed someone on YouTube who had uploaded a couple of Canadian Idol Videos and asked her if she had Chris Labelle's performance and she did! And very kindly uploaded it for me. Here he is... He's so cute. I especially love: his motorcycle gag at the beginning of the video; the way he arches his back when he stands up from sitting; his funny walk; and his laugh.

On yesterday's show he dyed his Mohawk red for Canada Day. He toned his performance down a little.

On the message boards of Canadian Idol, everyone is comparing Chris Labelle to last season's contestant Jacob. Can you honestly see anything similar? Here is Jacob singing David Bowie. Canadian's tend to like singers/musicians who are a bit weird.

I like one judge's comment that you wouldn't find a performance like this on most Idol programs, other than in Canada.

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Also, it turns out that Brad did end up taking the money I gave him and using crack for a day or so, but now he's safely back at his home, and doing well. I'm glad he didn't do it longer than he did, and he feels very disgusted with himself.

I also think his sponsor has told him not to talk to me, because of the whole "I'm attracted to him" thing, or perhaps he just made up his own mind, but he's distancing himself from me. Oh well, it's probably for the best. I mean, I was really looking forward to some cuddling, and I haven't written off the possibility...if it's meant to be, it'll be. Too bad, he was about the most interesting thing happening in my life. It probably isn't right, anyway, from a moral point of view.*

Next week I'm going off for a retreat for a few weeks, so I'll be away. I'm going to be following a strict and healthy diet and working out a couple hours a day. I'm sure I'll meet some people to distract myself with too. I'm not sure if I'll have internet access, but if I do, I'll post about it.

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*By the way, some of the pics I used were actually of my Brad, not Brad Pitt. Can you pick out which ones? I'll never tell.

Camera Obscura

I just realized in my last post about Brad, I used a metaphor which perfectly describes him, my relationship to him, and really, about everything. Pardon me while I spell it out:

The problem with trying to take a picture of Brad [metaphor for trying to understand oneself or the other] though is he can't stay still [our identities are constantly in flux and in development, both internally and externally]. He's constantly moving, and his facial expressions constantly change from moment to moment, so he's like the worst model ["model" represents the impossibility of simplifying or objectifying oneself or the other to a defined and closed system of ideas] you can hope for. Plus my camera's shutter speed isn't fast enough to capture him - by the time the moment is right, and I press the button, and the shutter clicks, he's already moved and emoted several more things, so I never get a good picture. I was afraid too that another guy would come into the room and see me taking pictures of this practically naked stud [this suggests various things: how our interactions with others points of views/projections instantly changes our own, and our personalities change with the introduction of the third in a closed, two-people system]. So, I let it go.

I think this is some kind of nihilistic philosophy, possibly post-structural, but I'm not knowledgeable enough about philosophies to figure it out. Anyway, I guess that's how I'm feeling about life, people and myself right now. :)