Goodbye Chris Labelle!

Unfortunately Chris was voted off last night. I guess the Canadian audience didn't go for his monopoly money throwing stage antics and red Mohawk. I sure did. I think he's so hot!


So does Ben Mulroney, apparently. You can see him rubbing his hair in the animated image above, and he was so touchy-feely with Chris. I would be too, so I don't blame him.



During Chris' goodbye speech, he joked about wanting to be a tv weatherman, and then said that he would be releasing a CD in January, apparently on his own label. I seriously would go watch this guy perform - I'll have to see if I can get him to Southern Alberta.

There's an interview with him on the Canadian Idol site here - scroll to the bottom and click on "Chris Labelle." He reminds me a lot of Brad, in the way he talks in a stream of consciousness. Best wishes to him.

Gender, Sex & Sexuality: Moving Toward an Omnisexuality



As we enter into a new millennium, one of the most important challenges facing humanity is to transform our understanding of gender, sex, and sexuality. While much work has been done in the last few decades, there is still much suffering in the world surrounding these issues. The spiritual meaning and purpose of gender, sex, and sexuality are difficult topics to discuss because our culture has many false beliefs about them. Discussion brings these false beliefs, which need to be examined and surrendered, to our awareness which triggers inner struggles. But the challenges they involve are one of their many gifts. Understanding these gifts brings a greater awareness of our wholeness and divinity so we may experience the ecstasy of our true nature.

In this article, I give you my thoughts on the dance of passion between the Shakti and Shiva energies within us, and how our relationship to each gives rise to our experience of sexuality. I avoid giving Shiva and Shakti a gender, because I believe that our culture's myths about male and female qualities are based upon false beliefs. These false beliefs result in karmic core issues, which are played out in human sexuality, and ask for our healing.

The diversity of human sexuality is truly remarkable, and each manifestation of it requires us to deconstruct our false beliefs about power and the meanings of gender, so that we become truly empowered. Learning to love the unique expressions of our divinity, through the expression of our human sexual selves, allows us to get closer to experiencing the erotic and passionate nature of the universe.

The ecstatic love of Shakti and Shiva

Each one of us carries within equal amounts of the complementary energies of the Creator. There are many names for these energies, but in this article I will identify them as the Vedic notions of Shiva and Shakti.

Shiva is the aspect of God within that is pure consciousness and potential power. It is like the dark matter described by Kryon that makes up the universe - it is infinite, aware, potential energy. It is invisible and silent. It is unlimited creative potential. It is omnipresent and the source of all that is. Shiva may be thought of as conceptual and intellectual. Shiva speaks to us through knowing - without words or feelings. Shiva is love.

Shakti is the aspect of God within that is creative power in action. Shakti is the will or desire that brings Shiva's potential into motion, and manifests it. It passionately triggers the potential creativity of Shiva, and actualizes it. Shakti is expressive and speaks to us through our senses. It is inspiration. Shakti is the verb form of love - loving.

Shiva and Shakti are not separate or distinct, and always work together as one. They are two sides of the indivisible Creator. In myth, Shakti's love for Shiva makes Shakti dance passionately and bring Shiva's creative potential into existence. They exist together in eternal ecstasy. It is their dance of intimacy that creates us and allows us to know and experience love. It is the source and force behind everything, including our relationships. It is the drive behind passionate love for each other and ourselves. We are Shiva and Shakti. When we are conscious of these universal forces of God within - when we acknowledge them as cooperative aspects of love, we experience ecstasy, wholeness, and a divine love for all that is.

When we fall in love, we are recognizing through the Shakti and Shiva within, the divinity of the other.

Shakti and Shiva are unrelated to gender

I wish to avoid applying gender specificity to these two energies by calling Shiva 'masculine' energy and Shakti 'feminine' energy. This confuses the nature of God because in our culture, male power has nothing to do with the characteristics of Shiva. Aggression, competition, domination and other abuses of power are the result of denying awareness of Shiva and misapplying the energies of Shakti. Aggression is Shakti energy without the awareness of love. It is fear in action. And where there is fear, love is hidden and denied.

Likewise, our culture has a very distorted understanding of 'feminine' power,' and so confuses our understanding of Shakti. Females in our culture have not been associated with power, but instead with passivity and receptivity. Even creativity is, at times, associated with weakness in North American culture. Yet Shakti empowers all action and creation.

The power associated with men and women in our culture is not the result of 'masculine' and 'feminine' energies - they are the result of Shiva and Shakti operating together to create imbalanced manifestations of power.

'Masculine' and 'feminine' qualities are based on myths. This is a false belief that has arisen over centuries of human evolution to the point that our genetic code has been affected to some degree and seems to provide "proof" that there is an essential difference.

Gender is neutral in meaning

It is like the color of your eyes or skin. We have applied beliefs to a neutral characteristic of our human bodies over the thousands of years that we have walked the earth. These beliefs are the result of an imbalance in Shiva and Shakti energies. Our false beliefs about gender are one of the most important gifts that sexuality brings to our awareness to be healed.

Falling in love

When we fall in love, Shiva gives us an inner knowing that the object of our affection can help to make us aware of our wholeness. Shakti inspires us to act and the union of the two energies within us causes us to experience passionate, sensual, and erotic love. We are driven to unite with the other, to explore the nature of our loved one, because we see a reflection of our wholeness in him or her. Sex is the act that mirrors the union of Shiva and Shakti within us - we desire to merge into wholeness with ourself.

For example, when I have met my romantic partners, I have known from the beginning that we would get involved in a relationship. A wordless, silent part of me knows and acknowledges that we have an important connection. This is the Shiva aspect of my being. The silent knowing of Shiva starts bubbling around inside me, stirring my emotions and passions and joyfully moves me to act on the knowing, so that I will see this person again. My feelings and desire to act is the Shakti energy working inside of me.

Shiva and Shakti energies must work cooperatively in us in order for us to fall in love, and on a deeper level, realize our divinity. There are individuals who never seem to meet a romantic partner. He or she may hold a false core belief that they are not worthy of love and therefore shut out the knowingness of Shiva. Or he or she may hear the wordless voice of Shiva, but doubt negates it, and therefore does not act on it and initiate Shakti's powers. At the root is fear. Where there is fear, there is a karmic core issue to heal, and until it is surrendered, we will not hear the wordless voice of Shiva's love. Where there is fear, we will not trust our inner guidance and act upon it in a loving, self-affirming manner.

When Shiva and Shakti energies are imbalanced, they create suffering, obsession, control issues and other forms of powerlessness. There are many variations of this. Some people always seem to be pining for someone who never appears or is unavailable. Others get involved with people who they can control, or who control them. Love does not involve pining or loss, and neither does it involve control. Only fear creates these situations, which are based on a false core belief of powerless and unworthiness of love.

Fear shuts down the guidance of Shiva, and uses Shakti in ways that we experience as non-loving and abusive. All relationships and sexual practices that are based on control, power over another, and powerlessness, are the result of Shakti energies being used in ways that are fear-based. The paradox is that even in fear-based uses of Shakti there is only love. Shiva only allows Shakti Shiva's power, and Shakti only acts and brings Shiva's potential into actuality because within everything and every experience is love. As long as any situation is needed for a spiritual purpose, both Shiva and Shakti allow it into creation. But the abuse of Shakti's power is not the easiest way to learn to heal our false core beliefs.

Complementary Relationships

Complementary relationships are manifested by our need to recognize in ourselves what we see in others. When we deny that the qualities we see in the other do not exist within ourselves, we become dependent on the other to give us a sense of completion or reject them because they reflect shadow qualities we wish to deny in ourselves.

Our dependence on another is not stable, because our fears become triggered. The ecstasy of falling in love usually lasts for only a few months, because we begin to fear that the wholeness we experience with another will be taken away. Our fear silences the voice of Shiva within. Our security is threatened, and our fears cause us to behave in defensive ways. We attempt to manipulate the other into giving us what we need by being demanding, threatening (we'll withdraw our love and affection until we get what we want or in extreme cases react with emotional and physical abuse), by trying to make the other feel guilty and acquiesce to our expectations, or by trying to please the other and denying our true feelings and needs. We misuse our Shakti energies.

Those in the relationship begin to experience conflict and drama. Each person is attempting to find wholeness in the other, instead of recognizing his or her wholeness within.

What do we see in another that makes us believe we will find wholeness in him or her? Ask yourself, "If my partner were to leave me, what would I feel missing?" Is it his or her independence, self-control, discipline, intellect and reason, competitiveness, or assertiveness? Is it his or her spontaneity, warmth, humor, honesty, passion, intuition, spirituality, cooperativeness, loyalty, protection, trustworthiness, ability to surrender or nurture? These are qualities we must recognize and honor within ourselves.

On the other hand, ask yourself, "What do I dislike most about my partner?" Is it their selfishness, detachment, rudeness, or dependence? Each of these mirror qualities we need to acknowledge, accept and love within ourselves, and thereby bring wholeness to our psyches. For example, if we experience our partner as selfish, then perhaps we need to be more selfish and honor our own needs by setting boundaries about what is acceptable behavior toward us.

Once we work through our false core beliefs, fears and accept ourselves with love, we bring Shiva and Shakti back into balance and again may experience the ecstasy of their cooperative union in others, the world and ourselves.

Deconstructing the myths of gender

One of the most important spiritual purposes of sexual attraction is to help us to deconstruct false core beliefs about gender. The limitless creativity of Shiva and Shakti has come up with many twists and turns in the experience and practice of sexuality. I will attempt to explain some of these and unwind some myths about gender.

Many thousands of years ago, when humans began to believe that we are separate from God, the loving guidance of Shiva became difficult to hear. Our belief in separateness of God triggered fears and insecurities, because we lost touch with our divinity. Our human selves took over, and tried achieving a sense of power and security by controlling others, or allowing ourselves to be controlled. We misused our Shakti energies. Through controlling others, or being controlled, we gained a sense of power, but it was illusory. Yet it brought certain gratifications for a creature that had forgotten its true divine nature.

In many cultures myths evolved about the nature of strength and power, and how these are related to male defensive behaviors such as aggression, domination and control. Women were relegated to serving men, and taught to be submissive, supportive and powerless. While there were always cultures that differed in beliefs regarding the imbalance of power between men and women, these expectations dominated world cultures. In the early twenty-first century, we are still attempting to usurp these myths.

We are all familiar with them. A man is aggressive, dominating, competitive, logical, physically strong, tough, unemotional, rational, territorial and independent. A woman is supposed to be passive, nurturing, cooperative, emotional, weak, compliant and dependent. Both of these are based upon an imbalance between Shiva and Shakti energies.

If we deviate from these cultural norms, we are ostracized, threatened, punished and rejected. Most of us have spent a lot of energy denying aspects of who we are in order to be accepted by others and our culture. This has lead to greater self-hatred and suffering. The truth is that we are all capable of all these qualities. Fortunately there have always been individuals who honored themselves and lived to be exceptions and examples to others.

There are many women throughout history who have exhibited qualities usually associated with men, and were very successful. In spite of our culture's beliefs, they achieved power or self-actualization in a male-dominated world. Feminism opened the doors on a large scale to begin examining, and deconstructing cultural myths about femininity, masculinity and gender.

Likewise, many men have had qualities usually associated with women in our culture. In various times and ages they were known as artistic, creative, sensitive, emotional, peaceful and nurturing beings. Sometimes they were relegated to positions of artist, fop, philosopher or holy man. Today there is a greater awareness of the many variations and combinations of masculine and feminine qualities within every male and female individual, and in some areas of the world, greater acceptance. The gender revolution keeps evolving.

Before incorporating, we choose specific combinations of gender and personal characteristics for many reasons. Women with strong 'male' characteristics may help other females to claim their own. And men with strong 'female' characteristics also challenge cultural norms and pervading societal beliefs. Our higher selves plan these variations from cultural norms with wisdom, in order to teach us about our society's limiting beliefs about gender. Each is an opportunity to learn become free of these limiting beliefs by validating and loving our own expression of divinity and those in others.

Sexual attraction variations

Other than gender and individual variations from cultural norms, there is also the variation of sexual attraction preferences. Sexual preferences, I believe, are chosen prior to incorporating in order to challenge individual and societal myths about gender, and give us opportunities to learn specific spiritual lessons.

I believe that sexual preference exists in the coding of our DNA as energy patterns, just as our personality, innate talents and abilities, physical appearance, and karmic core beliefs do. Sexual preferences may remain consistent over a person's life, or they may go through a sudden change. Some people, identified as bisexuals, experience a greater fluidity and freedom of choice in their sexual preference.

It's important not to confuse 'masculine' and 'feminine' characteristics with sexual preference. Sexual preference is a feature of our human selves that is a separate phenomenon.

While there are gay men and lesbians who clearly exhibit culturally defined 'feminine' and 'masculine' characteristics not peculiar to their gender, there are others who are perfect examples of our society's stereotypes of gender. Being gay does not mean that you are 'feminine.' And being lesbian does not mean that you are "butch." And like heterosexual men and women, most fall somewhere in-between.

Gays and lesbians — challenging patriarchal society

Our Western culture may be homophobic because sexual relationships between two men threaten our society's cultural/gender norms, and the foundation upon which male dominance is built — heterosexuality.

In the most extreme and dysfunctional examples of patriarchal culture, where a male and female attempt to experience power within its myths of gender, sexual relationships are eroticized as acts of domination and submission. The sexual dynamic may not be as obvious as sadomasochism, but instead involve subtle psychological control maneuvers. In the old energy, most sexual relationships involve the eroticization of power to some degree.

In this situation, a man uses the sexual passion of Shakti to eroticize his physical domination of a female, thereby giving himself an illusory sense of power. A woman too, uses the passion of Shakti to allow herself to eroticize the act of submitting to the physical domination of a male. Within passivity there is also the illusion of control, though it is more challenging to perceive because it is non-assertive.

Both individuals are attempting to experience power, either through domination or submission, and simultaneously they uphold the values of their culture — men are dominating, women are submissive.

In this model it is suggested that homosexual acts are paradoxical. According to this theory of sexuality, the men involved eroticize one another's symbols of masculine power, such as their physical structure, clothing and behavior. Yet the masculine power is simultaneously defiled, because the men engage in sexual acts that dominate or submit to another man. When a man allows himself to be dominated by another man, then the power of masculinity is defiled in a patriarchal society. Male power is based upon domination — not submission.

These are interpretations and experiences of human sexuality without the loving awareness that Shiva brings. Without love, sexuality becomes a forum of attempting to achieve a false sense of power. The individual who believes they are powerlessness attempts to regain a sense of power through his or her sexuality.

Sex, when practiced in this manner, is not about tenderness, intimacy, or communion with another individual. Without awareness of Shiva and Shakti together, there is only the impulse toward a false and fleeting sense of power and security. Where there is a balance of Shiva and Shakti, there is true intimacy, communion and love. True power — the power of love — comes from within each individual and is shared.

Gay sexuality

Gay sexual attraction is modeled upon the same template as heterosexual attraction. Within each man, or woman, are qualities denied in self, and in need of acknowledgement and acceptance. Gender plays very little part in this.

Other than challenging society's myths about gender, my sexuality provided other spiritual challenges. When I consider the meanings and spiritual purposes of being a gay male, many complex, interwoven reasons emerge.

When I was a child, I had qualities, and identified with interests that are usually associated with females. This did not make me gay, and it is not to say that I didn't feel male — I did, and do, and enjoy being male. But the things that interested most men — such as competitive team sports, and aggressive play-fighting — didn't appeal to me. My father modeled for me a gentle, non-aggressive demeanor, but he was disappointed when I couldn't share his excitement in playing hockey or baseball. I was naturally more attracted to creative and expressive endeavors.

My personality indicates that I am created with a greater propensity for culturally defined 'female' characteristics and interests. Not that I am effeminate or in any way less than other men. None of this has anything to do with sexual preference — it is important to recognize that heterosexual men may have similar characteristics to myself, and many gay men have identical interests and characteristics to our society's description of a typical heterosexual male.

I was aware of sexual feelings towards other males even before puberty, though I hadn't developed a discourse around these feelings. In puberty I showed a mild sexual interest in girls my age, but it was other males that I felt most strongly about. This caused several problems for me, from which I learned many important lessons.

The most important lesson was self-validation, on many levels. My family, peers and entire culture considered being gay an abomination, or a perversion. It set up a conundrum — either I could deny my sexual desires, thoughts and feelings in order to please others, but end up in self-hatred; or I could affirm my feelings, thoughts and desires, work through the fears of being rejected and hated by my family, friends and society, but honor myself.

Being gay made me become more independent and learn to honor and trust my inner self in a deeper way. I learned over many years that how I feel about myself is more important than what others think of me. I found that as I loved and accepted myself more, others accepted and loved me for who I am. Being gay made me risk losing my family's love and support by acting on what I knew to be essential to my wellbeing. It also made me question the core beliefs on which our world is formed, and challenge these when it conflicted with my inner truth.

These lessons involve core issues we all must face on their spiritual journey at some point our soul's evolution. Each one of us takes a different route.

Whenever I examine the many variations of sexual expression, there are two main core issues that emerge:
• The importance of honoring the self, even when it contradicts cultural and societal expectations. Even when we face possible rejection by our families, peers, friends and society. We must learn to love who we are, regardless of others' opinions.
• The importance of rejecting and living outside of societal/cultural gender expectations. We all exist outside of them. By doing so, we begin to own all aspects of who we are and awaken to our wholeness.

By accepting and validating who we are with love, we deconstruct the core belief that we are not worthy of love and are powerless. We begin to awaken to our wholeness and true power and step outside the use of sex to gain a sense of illusionary power.

The existence of gay and lesbian sexuality, and other deviations from heterosexuality, challenges everyone's beliefs about gender and makes us question the deeper meanings and purposes of sexuality. Consider these creative expressions of sexuality and the challenges not only for the individuals involved, but for our society's understanding of sexuality and gender:
• A heterosexual male who likes to wear panties, nylons, makeup and other accoutrements of 'female' garb in order to make him feel sexually aroused with a female.
• A lesbian, who on the outside appears to exemplify our society's expectations of femininity and female beauty, but inside, feels male. She has told me that she feels like a "male inside a perfect female body."
• A heterosexual man discovers after being married for 15 years that his sexual preference is now sliding over to the gay end of the spectrum.
• A lesbian who spent years accepting her sexuality and becoming empowered, suddenly finds herself attracted only to men, and has to go through the difficult process of coming out as a heterosexual and faces losing the friendship and support of her lesbian community.

Whenever we own our sexuality and unique divine expression, we own our true power. The second chakra governs the arenas of sexuality and power, so these two energies are intimately related. Whenever we bring healing to one, we experience new challenges, opportunities and healing in the other. When our true sense of power is restored at a core level, our sexuality shifts, temporarily ungrounding us and requires further integration of our wholeness and power. How our sexuality shifts depends upon the unique spiritual challenges we have committed to individually.

Sex and sexuality in the new millennium

As humanity continues to ascend, what will happen to our sexuality, and what purpose will it have? This is a complex and challenging question, and there are as many answers as there are individual souls. There are many paths, and each allows us to explore our wholeness and power. But I am willing to offer some possibilities.

Many of us may experience greater freedom in sexual preference, as we extricate ourselves from karmic core issues. As our beliefs about gender begin to break down, exposing the illusions involved, then it is possible that we will begin to experience men and women as spiritual beings, outside of gender. Gender may no longer be the focus of sexual attraction — instead our erotic attraction is based upon the inner qualities of the individual. Some may move toward an omnisexuality.

Omnisexuality is a term that describes the eros and passion in all creation. Literally, we become involved in an erotic relationship with all that is. We experience the divine nature of all that is, within everything and everyone. As we heal the fears of our core issues, and surrender to our divinity, the Shiva and Shakti energies within us are reunited.

The union of Shiva and Shakti within

I have been fortunate enough to experience this phenomenon to some degree. Last spring, I could feel a powerful surge of energy trying to work its way through my body, but it was blocked by tension in my hip area. I felt afraid of the power of this energy — I was experiencing it as a highly aggressive energy and as primal in nature. I was having a difficult time staying grounded in it. At the time I believed it was some kind of 'masculine' energy.

My guidance led me to a specific massage therapist, who specialized in tantric massage. He was familiar with a wide range of massage techniques. Because of some holding pattern in my body, the muscles surrounding my hips were contracted, tilting them to the right. I intuitively knew that I needed to work with my breath and allowed myself to breathe in sync with an ebb and flow of energy within me. In order to release the tension, the massage therapist pressed his entire body weight with his elbow into my hip, which caused extreme pain for a few moments.

Suddenly I felt the tension release, and the powerful energy that was trying to work its way through my body surged through the bottom of my feet, up my legs, through my hip, and up my spine. The energy flowed back and forth rhythmically, and my breathing synchronized with it. I felt as though I had completely surrendered my whole being into the energies of the universe. As the energy moved through my body, it kissed every cell of my body with the most amazing passion and love. It was deeply erotic, though not in the usual sexual sense.

The massage therapist intuitively knew what was happening to me, and worked with the energy to move it through my body. At one point, as I was taking a deep breath in, he moved a strong stream of energy up my legs and spine and it suddenly focussed in one great mass in the center of my head. I lost awareness of myself as an individual. I merged, it seemed, with all that is, for a split second. The experience was ecstatic. Suddenly the energy poured out of the top of my head, and it felt like, well… an orgasm!

I felt like the universe had just made love to me. It was the most nurturing and deeply loving emotional and physical experience I had ever had. My inner guidance was also fully awake, and giving me wordless insights about it and many other things. These include:
• The entire fabric of the universe is love.
• The experience of this love is available whenever we surrender to it.
• Aggression is not the result of 'male' energies, but the result of fear blocking the energy of Shakti, so the expression of her power is distorted. Behind this fear is love.

When I got off the table I felt like a baby trying to take his first steps. It was as though I had never been in a physical body before, and each movement through the ether of our physical universe was erotic and ecstatic. When I left the office and went onto the street, I felt so open, alive and full of love. I had a beautific smile on my face and had to stop myself from embracing everyone I saw on the street. I experienced the spiritual beauty of people around me, and saw the fear that held them back from experiencing it.

Perhaps the path of human sexuality in this new age is one that may lead us to omnisexuality. An erotic, sexual relationship with life itself — the most fulfilling and satisfying sexual experience imaginable.

Chris Labelle and Brad Update


----Update to my update: The Canadian Idol/CTV people must have discovered the clips on YouTube and removed them. So I've deleted the videos. Too bad! They were very fun.



I emailed someone on YouTube who had uploaded a couple of Canadian Idol Videos and asked her if she had Chris Labelle's performance and she did! And very kindly uploaded it for me. Here he is... He's so cute. I especially love: his motorcycle gag at the beginning of the video; the way he arches his back when he stands up from sitting; his funny walk; and his laugh.

On yesterday's show he dyed his Mohawk red for Canada Day. He toned his performance down a little.

On the message boards of Canadian Idol, everyone is comparing Chris Labelle to last season's contestant Jacob. Can you honestly see anything similar? Here is Jacob singing David Bowie. Canadian's tend to like singers/musicians who are a bit weird.

I like one judge's comment that you wouldn't find a performance like this on most Idol programs, other than in Canada.

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Also, it turns out that Brad did end up taking the money I gave him and using crack for a day or so, but now he's safely back at his home, and doing well. I'm glad he didn't do it longer than he did, and he feels very disgusted with himself.

I also think his sponsor has told him not to talk to me, because of the whole "I'm attracted to him" thing, or perhaps he just made up his own mind, but he's distancing himself from me. Oh well, it's probably for the best. I mean, I was really looking forward to some cuddling, and I haven't written off the possibility...if it's meant to be, it'll be. Too bad, he was about the most interesting thing happening in my life. It probably isn't right, anyway, from a moral point of view.*

Next week I'm going off for a retreat for a few weeks, so I'll be away. I'm going to be following a strict and healthy diet and working out a couple hours a day. I'm sure I'll meet some people to distract myself with too. I'm not sure if I'll have internet access, but if I do, I'll post about it.

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*By the way, some of the pics I used were actually of my Brad, not Brad Pitt. Can you pick out which ones? I'll never tell.

Camera Obscura

I just realized in my last post about Brad, I used a metaphor which perfectly describes him, my relationship to him, and really, about everything. Pardon me while I spell it out:

The problem with trying to take a picture of Brad [metaphor for trying to understand oneself or the other] though is he can't stay still [our identities are constantly in flux and in development, both internally and externally]. He's constantly moving, and his facial expressions constantly change from moment to moment, so he's like the worst model ["model" represents the impossibility of simplifying or objectifying oneself or the other to a defined and closed system of ideas] you can hope for. Plus my camera's shutter speed isn't fast enough to capture him - by the time the moment is right, and I press the button, and the shutter clicks, he's already moved and emoted several more things, so I never get a good picture. I was afraid too that another guy would come into the room and see me taking pictures of this practically naked stud [this suggests various things: how our interactions with others points of views/projections instantly changes our own, and our personalities change with the introduction of the third in a closed, two-people system]. So, I let it go.

I think this is some kind of nihilistic philosophy, possibly post-structural, but I'm not knowledgeable enough about philosophies to figure it out. Anyway, I guess that's how I'm feeling about life, people and myself right now. :)

Sade-ness: not an Enigma

Procedamus in pace



This song, and many of Enigma's songs are about the conflict between the physical (body, sexuality, corporeal) and the spiritual (meaning of life, spiritual evolution, values and morals). This is immediately made clear in the music itself - the contrast between the ethereality of much of the spiritual/religious music such as Gregorian chants and others that they sample, with their grinding, techno, primitive and sexy beats.

Enigma is not at all Christian in their theology - they offer absolutely no solutions, but only bring the ideas into question. Enigma uses religious music from many different cultures including Christianity, Islam, Hindu, and native peoples, etc. which suggest they are much more easily classified as New Age - a belief that all religions share common spiritual beliefs, but there is no true theology or discipline behind New Age: it is based on personal exploration and it is "situation-specific."

If you were to listen to all of Enigma's music, some of it is explicitly New Age, especially the concept behind the name of one of their albums, "The Screen Behind the Mirror."

The Marquis de Sade may be the writer who others later used as a historical figure in the term sadism or the practice and beliefs of sado-masochism, but contemporary sado-masochism is entirely different than what the Marquis described or practiced.

I see this song as clearly playing with (not coming to any conclusions about) the idea of sadism as a sexual/spiritual practice - it believes there is a spiritual release into Oneness, through the techniques of domination of submission through sexual practices that include pain and humiliation. Practitioners describe a religious ecstasy when certain thresholds are crossed.

The Marquis de Sade is referred to as a representative of the practice of sado-masochism. In a sense, the questioner is conflicted between her Christian beliefs that sex, domination, submission, pain and humiliation are evil, while she herself is tempted by them, or perhaps has experienced them.

She asks:
Sade, tell me
Sade, give it to me ("give it to me" is a sexual reference)
Let us come in peace (a play on the word "come")
In the name of Christ, Amen (a teasing sacrilegious reference in this context).

Sado-masochism is a paradox, because it promotes a powerful pleasure to its practitioners, and a type of spiritual experience that feels "divine" while using techniques that are generally considered evil.

Ironically, some interpretations of Christianity, particularly as practiced the Medieval era, promoted submission and domination by the Catholic Church, including self-flagellation and the punishment of the body (the corporeal) to achieve the incorporeal (spiritual awakening).

Keep in mind that Michael and Sandra Cretu also live on the Spanish island of Ibiza, reknown for its wild, rave and party scene, and are highly involved in the dance club music industry.

Finally, in many of Enigma's videos, there are explicit references to the celebration of the body and sexuality, and references to sado-masochism.

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Lyrics for: Sadeness (Part One)

Procedamus in pace
In nomine Christi, Amen
Cum angelis et pueris, fideles inveniamur
Attollite portas, principes, vestras,
Et elevamini, portae aeternales,
Et introibit Rex gloriae.
Quis est iste Rex gloriae?

Sade, dis-moi...
Sade, donnes-moi...
Procedamus in pace
In nomine Christi, Amen

Sade, dis-moi, qu'est-ce que tu vas chercher?
Le bien par le mal? La vertue par le vice?
Sade, dis-moi, pourquoi l'û?vangile du mal?
Quelle est ta relûÙgû?on? Ou sont tes fidû´les?
Si tu es contre Dieu, tu es contre l'homme
Sade, es-tu diabolique, ou divin?

Sade, dis-moi... Hosanna
Sade, donnes-moi... Hosanna
Sade, dis-moi... Hosanna
Sade, donnes-moi... Hosanna

In nomine Christi, Amen

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Translation of French and Latin

Let us come in peace
In the name of Christ, Amen
In the company of angels and children, we will find the believer
Raise the poles of your glorious doors
And once they are elevated,
The Glorious King will arrive
Who is this Glorious King?

Sade, tell me
Sade, give it to me
Let us come in peace
In the name of Christ, Amen

Sade, tell me
What are you looking for?
The good or the bad
Virtue or vice
Sade, why the gospel of evil?

What is your religion and the religion of your followers?
If you are against God, you are against man
Sade, are you diabolic or divine?

Sade, say to me, Hosanna
Sade, give to me, Hosanna
Sade, say to me, Hosanna
Sade, give to me, Hosanna

In the name of Christ, Amen

Back to Brad: Drunk with Lust



It was a flawless, summer day. At noon it was 30 degrees Celsius, the humidity was low, and the heat beat down upon my exposed skin. I went looking for Brad.


I took a break from seeing him after writing my last post on him: I got my mind in order about the situation. Like most people, he's unable to be reduced down to an oversimplification. While it's important to keep in mind some of his less savoury characteristics, I came to a more balanced view. He's been able to stay sober and has been working hard to get his life into order.

The next time I saw Brad he was on his way to court for some charges he received in Calgary while he was using: he stole a $12 sandwich, and had 3 fines for using the C-Train without providing a receipt of proof. He was looking fantastic - dressed in black suit pants and a dress shirt, glowing with health.

I noticed how handsome he looks in black - it's such a dramatic contrast to his wheat blond hair and white skin. It emphasizes the angles and planes in his face. At times when I looked at him I didn't recognize him - he looked like a European model. Edgy, rather than boy-next-door. It's of course one of my big attractions - what I call "the 'dark' blond." The colour black brings out the intensity in him.

I offered to go with him. He was nervous. The judge was reasonable, and fined him appropriately. We had to wait a couple of hours for the court to produce the tickets, so I got to hear more of his growing desires for having a normal life and his relationship with his family. Brad was genuinely glad that I had gone with him to court. He's just a kid who needs support from a mature friend who can help guide in him the right way, who's not going to take advantage of him. Unfortunately there's been a lot of people who have.



It's now a few days later after the court date when I went to get him. I thought he was probably still sleeping, so I called his name outside of his window. He responded immediately, and I replied, "Get your ass out here." Then laughed.

A few seconds later he exited the side door, and… Brad was naked except for a pair of shorts. This completely shocked me. I hadn't seen him shirtless before, and I wasn't expecting to ever. It totally fucked me up in an instant. All of my available testosterone rushed into my blood stream, making me feel flushed. I must have looked completely taken aback, and I caught myself staring at his body for far too long.

Staring isn't even the right word. I was using the most intense, observant gaze, trying to memorize every detail. I must have an entire portion of my brain dedicated, cellularly, to Brad now. He has light blond hair on his chest and it all twirls and descends in an intricate pattern into the waste of his shorts. It looked soft. I noticed how it twirled around his surprisingly large nipples. Not small, not large - medium sized nipples. I'm used to seeing small nipples, especially on blond Caucasians, so I was taken aback by this detail. His nipples looked lush and highly erotic. They were an unusual colour too - more beige than pink.

He was unshaved and still trying to push aside his sleepiness, but had a bounce in his step and was happy to see me.

Time stood still for an unspecified amount of time while I was in rapt attention of his nakedness. I only broke out of my spell when my gaze moved up from his stomach to caress his shoulders and arms (he has a tattoo I didn't know about), and happened to notice he was looking at me, bemused.

I pulled myself together: I consciously reminded myself he's straight, I'm not going to come onto him and told myself to stop seeing him like a sexual object. But it was too late, and Brad knew it.

Before you think that I'm some silly horned up gay guy who goes around looking at other guys this way all the time, I can tell you that's not true. It must be a few years since I've had this reaction to anyone. And that was my ex. This reaction was profound, emotionally encompassing and energetically dense. I'm sure every thought registered on my face. In fact, I know it did, because of what happened later.

Meanwhile the sun's heat is still burning onto my skin, intensified by all the concrete around us in the alley, and I'm feeling drunk with lust. Without thinking, I said something (I don't know what) and then my eyes stupidly went back to looking at his body. I was like an out-of-control 13 year old boy.

When I looked back up at Brad, I could see his own thought process (or maybe I was projecting it). I could see him think, "Ha ha, what is this guy looking at, oh yeah, I'm practically naked, and that's right, he hasn't seen me with my shirt off and is that lust in his eyes? I nearly forgot he's gay."

He laughed it off and said he'd get us a couple of chairs to sit outside and have a cigarette. He disappeared back into the building, which gave me more time to recover.

We sat outside, talking. I was probably radiating intense sexual energy and attraction and the funny part is, Brad seemed to like it. We decided to go for coffee, and he wanted to get some clothes on so we went through the front door of his building, where he told me to wait in the sitting room.

I'm thinking, "Fuck, he's going to put his shirt on, and I'll probably never get an opportunity to see him shirtless again, so I'd better step up and do something about it." I said something to him about wanting to photograph him - I just blurted it with no context or lead up, and I said, "Let me take a couple of pictures before you get dressed."

Brad said, "Sure, I love to be photographed."

With shaking hands I dug into my bag and got my digital camera out, and simultaneously scoped out the sitting area. I noticed that the couch was black leather, and even had metallic studs stapling the material to the frame. I joked, "Why don't you sit on this black leather couch, it has an S&M feel to it."

He threw himself onto the couch in such a natural way - there was no posing or posturing. He had his arm stretched out across the back of the couch, exposing his arm pits, and I squelched the impulse to bound over to him like a wild train wreck, trap his arms above his head and start aggressively licking and slobbering him from head to toe.

Seeing his white blond body laid out on the couch, and his black shorts hiked up exposing a nice package, I think I muttered, "Fuck." And I rarely use this word.

The problem with trying to take a picture of Brad though is he can't stay still. He's constantly moving, and his facial expressions constantly change from moment to moment, so he's like the worst model you can hope for. Plus my camera's shutter speed isn't fast enough to capture him - by the time the moment is right, and I press the button, and the shutter clicks, he's already moved and emoted several more things, so I never get a good picture. I was afraid too that another guy would come into the room and see me taking pictures of this practically naked stud. So, I let it go.

I can't even tell you what he wore, because now the only image I have in my mind is Brad shirtless, so that's all I see when I look at him. My eyes must have digitized him like a Cruse Synchron Table Scanner. All I can think about is that blond fuzzy hair hiding underneath.

We went for coffee, and I'm stumbling, mumbling, saying all kinds of verbiose garbage, trying to sound normal, when out of nowhere he says to me, "You're attracted to me aren't you."

It was like a breath of fresh air, for someone to finally mention it. But I went into rationalization mode and said, "Well, yes, it's kind of complicated. When I first met you I thought you looked like a nice kid, not my type. But then I got to know you more and realized I like your personality. So I find you attractive - not just your looks but also your personality. But I wouldn't ever come onto you or anything, I respect you too much as a friend."

Brad paused, then said quietly, "We could cuddle together."

I felt like a bomb had just dropped. I was speechless. I think he was nervous having just said that, so he looked away. I managed to say, "Yes, I think that would be very nice."

Brad turned back to look at me with those baby blue eyes and said, "I think so too."

I totally dropped the whole direction of this conversation with him for fear of having a spontaneous orgasm while my brain's background mental processes are generating thousands of cuddling scenarios with him.

Later, Brad saw a guy coming down the street and said, "Oh no, it's the weird gay guy." He introduced us. He was quite tall, a bit goofy looking - I wasn't really paying attention to him. He seemed to be high on something. I don't know how we got on the topic any more - I think I was too shocked about what went on so the details are sketchy - but Brad said, "You should see this guy, he's hugely endowed."

The guy smiled proudly, and drew attention down to his crotch. I noticed that his red boxer underwear was sticking out of the top of his jeans. Several questions went through my mind, like, "How did Brad know this? How does he know him?" I think the story was the last time Brad was in Lethbridge five months ago, he was using crack with him and he exposed himself to Brad. But there was some general discussion about the size of Brad's cock, and the gay guy seemed to have knowledge about it. Brad was uncomfortable with the discussion and situation, and so was I, so I didn't interrogate them.

I have no idea why, but I said to the weird gay guy, "Oh yeah, why don't you show it to me then. Right here," challenging him in a flirtatious but passive-aggressive manner. Maybe it was some weird kind of jealousy I was feeling, that this guy had already gotten intimate with Brad, so I was trying to humiliate him. He said, "Sure, I'd have no problem showing you, any time…"

"No, right here," I said, looking at his crotch, looking at him, egging him. It looked like he thought about it, and nearly did it, but instead asked for my phone number, and I said, "No, that's alright." He left, saying, "If you change your mind…"

This of course is now fuelling all my fantasies even more of Brad, making me think that he plays a little bit more than he's entirely admitted to. Disturbing too, having images of the weird gay guy and Brad having that kind of interaction…I don't want to go there in my mind.

We talk some more, and things are friendly and comfortable, and then I did something really awful. Don't worry, I didn't freak out at him or come on to him or anything. I decided to leave and go back home, leaving him by himself and to his own devices. The terrible part is that I left him with money and possibly at a vulnerable moment. I just hope that he's okay and has managed to stay clean. I tried to find him that evening - I called but he wasn't home. I then stopped by where he's living, called his name, got the dormitory supervisor to check by knocking on his door to no available. I went the next morning to see if he was back, but he hadn't been home all evening. I haven't checked today, but I'm hoping he's all right. So I feel immensely guilty for having left him in that situation and for not protecting him.

I'm afraid I wasn't a very good friend to him in that moment. If you're reading this, help me do a collective prayer for him and his safety. And one for me too.

Chris Labelle Update

Unfortunately I missed Canadian Idol last night, so I didn't get to see Chris Labelle. I'm so disappointed. I even emailed CTV to ask for downloadable video footage of Chris Labelle, but the nice guy who's the contact there couldn't give it to me because I'm not a Media person. I tried convincing him, saying that Bloggers and Media cross boundaries, but he couldn't budge, legally. I even searched "YouTube" and there's no footage. If anyone happens to have it, please let me know - send me a link.



Anyway, the entire Men's competition is full of extremely talented singers this year. It further convinces me that Canada is full of far more talented people than the U.S. Each one sounds equally incredible, and unfortunately Chris' voice just doesn't stand out. But the judges all commented on his incredible charisma. I hope he has a chance to improve and isn't voted off too quickly. He sang the same song he did at audition - perhaps that's a smart move. He knows he does it well, plus it gives him room to grow. Anyway, that's my Chris Labelle update, I'm out.... Enjoy the pics.

Rewriting History | Identity


I spent most of the day adding pictures and links, and editing, deleting and rewriting many of my blog entries. Some people think you shouldn't rewrite your history; that once you make an entry you should keep it as is: a record of where you're at in a given moment. But leaving it untouched may be even more artificial than the process of rewriting it.

I rarely look back at my entries, but I decided to review what I'd written because I knew that someone, whose writing and character I admire, was going to start reading it from the beginning. I wasn't surprised to discover that several were created under inebriated conditions, so they needed to be tossed into hyperspace, or at the very least rewritten.

I didn't change facts. Deleted entries contained little of historical importance. Often my writing was lazy because I didn't take the time to rework it until it communicated my original messages; or it was unnecessarily self-indulgent, narcissistic or just plain rude. Other times hyperlinked web sites and pictures were out of order so needed replacing.

I endeavoured to keep much of the raw data and personality of the original entries - I haven't housecleaned to the extent that I idealized my personality or perfected my writing style. I still need to tidy up the empty bottles of vodka and pizza boxes strewn across my home on the net.

Research reveals that rewriting our history is a common occurrence that relates to the operations of our brain. "Memory's errors are as fascinating as they are important. They can be divided into seven fundamental transgressions or 'sins,' which I call transience, absentmindedness, blocking, misattribution, suggestibility, bias and persistence. Just like the ancient seven deadly sins -- the memory sins occur frequently in everyday life and can have serious consequences for all of us."

Our constructions, subversions and reconstructions of identity are an ongoing and daily process, to which no one is precluded. History and identity behave more like verbs than nouns, and are contingent on subjective - not objective - conditions. While rereading the entries, I discovered events that I had forgotten altogether, and in another case I had joined together three separate incidences into one event in my memory. My sense of continuity was disjointed and my timeline twisted.

History and identity are remarkably fluid, especially in the age of the internet. One's body is merely virtual: digitized into electromagnetic pulses that are easily assimilated by others. Words are a particularly flimsy and transparent medium, easily manipulated and misinterpreted by both parties according to conscious and unconscious agendas.

Where does reality end and fiction begin? Are we not who we believe we are in any given moment, or is there an intrinsic, essential and unchanging aspect to our nature?

It's a miracle that we ever know ourselves, or understand the other. Perhaps it's only fleeting: as soon as we grasp it, it slips away. Knowing ourselves and others is an ongoing effort; one that's constantly being pursued by bloggers across our lonely planet.

Here's a couple newly reconstructed entries from the past:


Celine Dion & Quebec Canada - The English-Speaking Canadian's Perspective

I explain why English-Speaking Canadians do not like Celine Dion or the Quebecois. Our identity is based on self-flagellation and on not being American. Included is a video link to our national anthem: Molson Canadian's "I am Canadian." You'll see why this beer commercial brings on such a heart-felt, tear-jerking patriotism to our sadly lacking national identity.










Shaved

Part 1 of a supernatural thriller, describing the events that lead up to meeting Les, my second relationship partner. I've referred to some of the spooky, incorporeal situations we experienced together in other writings about our relationship (see Ghost and Leaving), but I have yet to tell them all. The details are so nearly unbelievable - hauntings, possessions, impossible synchronicities - that I haven't gotten the nerve finish the story. This section explains how I "just happened" to shave my head the day before meeting Les, making me look nearly identical to his ex-partner of 20 years who had died recently.

Introducing Chris Labelle


Canadian Idol has begun its fourth season, and already I have a crush on one of the contestants - Chris Labelle. Sometimes there's nothing sexier than a guy that can make me bend over and … laugh!

We're first introduced to this comically funny guy when they're interviewing contestants who are waiting in line in Ottawa, Ontario. The question asked is, "How do you prepare for the audition?" Most people answered thoughtfully, such as "I worked with my voice teacher to select the best song for my voice," or "I looked through my collection, and tried out my favourites on my friends and got their opinions."

When the interviewer asked Chris, who is wearing a black cap and t-shirt, he swiftly responded, "How do I prepare for the audition? I like to say the word 'kitty cat.' K-I-T-T-Y C-A-T." He repeated this word a half a dozen different ways with various inflections, as though it's a vocal warm-up exercise. All the while wearing a huge magnetic smile on his cherubic face.



See the video by clicking here. Once it loads, click on the link "Behind the scenes of the Ottawa auditions" under More Vide Clips. Move the play arrow about 2/3 across. The video section with Chris begins at about 4min | 50 secs.

The next time Chris is shown is at his first audition for the judges. According to one interviewer, the 24-year-old busboy came straight from his shift at an Elgin Street pub to sing the Temptations' "Ain't Too Proud to Beg." Chris Labelle never got to sleep.

"I was there all night -- 6 p.m. to 5 a.m. -- then I came here and got in line," he said, flashing a giant grin. "I was drunk at the start.* Now I'm wired. I just did it. I'm so excited -- from all-night shift to Canadian Idol."

When Chris is seen walking on stage, he's bursting with energy. Every feeling flashes nakedly across his face - and as one writer puts it, the " Ottawa busboy steals 'Idol' show."



The chatty and energetic Chris LaBelle started off the show, bursting onto the Ottawa audition stage like a ball of bald energy. Not that he wanted anyone to notice -- the 24-year-old LaBelle only revealed his hairstyle, which consisted of a super-blond ring around the sides and back and nothing at all on top, when prompted by the panel.

"It's not going to change your decision is it?" asked the Ottawa resident before sheepishly removing his black toque. "I wanted to bleach it for Canadian Idol. The beauty salon bleached it for an hour and a half and ruined my hair. I look like I'm 80."

As another writer puts it:

Chris Labelle, 24 from Ottawa, ON is the first to face the judges. He's wearing a hat that they ask him to take off only to discover that he is balding and has bleached his remaining hair so it is snowy white.


Or…

A ham of a busboy...stole last night's Canadian Idol episode, part of which focused on Ottawa auditions.

"I'm 24 years old," he said, telling the incredulous judges his hair fell out at the salon from too much bleach. "I look like I'm 80."


and…

One fellow to step up to the judges is 24 year old Chris Labelle. Continuing with the theme from the first episode, he’s asked to remove his hat. When he complies, the judges are shocked, not with his bleached blond hair, but his lack of it. That’s right, he’s kind of bald. Chris explains that it was a dye-job gone wrong…

Chris immediately launches into "I Ain't Too Proud To Beg." Everyone's unsure if he's joking (is he begging them to take him in spite of his hair?) or if he's actually auditioning. So one of the judges says, "Okay," said a smiling Zack Werner, "but you can't really sing, right? That's just what you do." Without skipping a beat, Chris launches into "I'll Be (Your Crying Shoulder) and moves frentically around the stage. At one point he stops in front of Sass Jordan, the female judge, does a "hip thrust" and flirts with her. He's so hilarious and spontaneous - I don't think he even knows what he's doing. Here's what the journalists said:

He's full of energy and sings Ain't Too Proud to Beg. Zack doesn't believe he can sing so he launches into I'll Be (Your Crying Shoulder) and has Jake saying at least he sings it honestly. He's getting a golden ticket and heading to Toronto making this a great start to the day.

and…

Labelle immediately switched gears and launched into Edwin McCain's "I'll Be," earning impressed looks from judges Sass Jordan and Jake Gold, who stopped him mid-note and told him he was moving on.

"Thank you," said Labelle, grabbing his ticket before bursting out of the audition room.

Fortunately for the hip-shaking soul singer, his I.D. proved he was young enough to be eligibile for the Top 200 and he was sent on his way to Toronto.

"You are probably the most entertaining person we've seen so far," said judge Farley Flex, before handing Chris Labelle his gold ticket to Toronto.

or…

Labelle, who was delivering food just this past weekend on the job at popular Elgin St. watering hole Lieutenant's Pump, pelvic and hip thrust his way to a spot in the Top 212. He bleached his hair, shaved off the top to look like an aging bald man, then donned a toque and mugged while singing The Temptations' Ain't Too Proud to Beg.

...and when his snazzy performance of “Ain’t Too Proud To Beg” doesn’t convince the judges of his actual singing talent, he breaks into Edwin McCain’s “I’ll Be”. The second performance displays his versatility and the judges decide hair or no hair, he’s going to Toronto.

After getting his gold ticket, Chris still had the energy to race around the room giving fellow competitors high fives.


You can listen to his audition by clicking here. Note the judges laughing in the background as he races around the stage.

To be honest, I don't think he's such a great singer. But he charms the pants off me - he's so much fun to watch.

The next time I think I see him is during the next round when contestants are called up on stage and asked, "Why do you want to be the next Canadian Idol." I could be mistaken, but I think it was Chris who said, "I've always loved singing. I do it everywhere. In the shower, in the bathroom…" He's got a huge and sincere smile on his face, and you can tell he's just working on the hyper energy of his nerves. "And I'd just like to make Canada my …bathroom," he finishes.. He didn't know where he was going in his statement, and kind of forced himself into a corner.

Even my father laughed at that one.




As the competition winds down and the judges must choose the top 22, Chris steps up to deliver his final solo performance. There must have been a few weeks in between because now he's sporting a tuft of hair on top of his head, and the sides are shaven (he looks much cuter). Before he walks on stage, he says to the camera:

“I’d like to see an established artist try and go through what we competitors go through,” he said. “This competition is no joke. I wish people could see behind-the-scenes because [the pace] is nuts.”

Again, you can tell he's a bundle of nerves and hyperactivity, and just throws himself into the song and movement. He works the stage like a pro - but more like a comedian than a serious singer. He manages to put in his patented hip-thrust at Sass Jordan, and then runs embarrassedly off the stage, blushing.

The cameras watch him come off stage, and the interviewer says, "How did it go?" Chris answers, trying to be brave, "I think I did okay, yeah, it went good, I think." But you can see his confidence sliding off of him as he sinks into his embarrassment. He runs around the corner, away from the cameras and disappears. A few seconds later the camera finds him, sunk into a corner, crying, tears coming down his cheeks. The stress and emotions have overcome him, and he's trying to have a private moment. He pulls his shirt up, trying to cover his face, dropping it a little with his sad eyes looking over top … he looks so vulnerable and emotionally authentic.

You can see every thought expressed on his face, as he tries to pull himself together for the camera. He stands up, forcing a confident posture, and says something like, "I'm strong, I can pull myself together." After a few tries he does, and then beams his gorgeous smile.

As one writer puts it:

Chris Labelle decides it’s time to get serious, and his number is “That’s Why They Call It The Blues.” He was OK, no better… mostly, he’s glad to be done. The emotions hit and he briefly breaks down, but he’s far too tough to weep for long.

I totally fell in love with this guy after watching this scene unfold.

Chris didn't make it to the top 22.



But by some fate, one of the top 22 men dropped out, and Chris was asked to replace him:

A 24-year-old server at the Lieutenant’s Pump, Chris Labelle became a surprise addition to the Canadian Idol Top 22 when Phil King withdrew for family reasons. “The best day of my life was when I got the call telling me that I was in the Top 22 and that I would perform in front of millions of people,” he said.

So I'll have the pleasure of jerking-off watching him some more in this competition.


__________________________
*In his bio on the web site for Canadian Idol, it states:

A server at the Lieutenant's Pump in Ottawa, Chris is most proud of the fact that at age 24, he has never drank, smoked or done drugs, "I've always told everyone if I were to sign a record deal then that's when I will have my first shot and I'll probably be smashed," he says.

That's in opposition to what one journalist reports him as saying - "I was drunk at the start," when waiting in line to audition.

The semiotics of tighty-whiteys



Photo Credit: Aussie Bum

The post below is a response to the article "Tighty-whities: the semantics." Read it first at the brilliant Language Log blog. [Those straight linguists are so clueless sometimes.]

***

I enjoyed your writing on "tighty-whiteys" and thought I could give you some informed insights on the evaluative aspects of the term from a homoerotic perspective.

"Tighty-whiteys" do refer to fly front, white briefs produced by such brands as Jockey, Calvin Klein and AussieBum. I don't have any proof, but I thought it was a term coined by gay culture, and used in a derogatory manner by heterosexuals, as well as some gay men. Tight-whiteys have come to represent "gay sexuality" or even "metrosexuality." He who wears them is considered to be a more feminized version of masculinity: one that is more self-conscious of itself as a sexual object and thus emphasizes the phallus.

In North America, "tighty-whiteys" are considered by the majority of heteorsexual men (and some gay males) to be more effeminate than boxers. Because boxers are looser fitting and do not emphasize the phallus of the wearer, they are considered more heterosexual.

There is a homophobic response to the representation and revealing of male genitalia in heterosexual North American culture, especially when compared with European attitudes. For instance, the typical North American heterosexual woman (and man) would prefer to see a man in long surfer shorts at the beach, rather than a bikini swimsuit. The material hangs looser and does not mold itself to the contours of the male genitalia. It is not uncommon to hear derogatory comments, sometimes of repulsion, regarding bold and obvious displays of the penis in North America. Whereas in Europe, bikini swimsuits are common at the beach, and there is greater acceptance of frontal nudity in media.

While it may seem logical that gay men may prefer tighty-whiteys because of the more obvious display of sexual genitalia, the symbol for some is less erotic. Those who find boxers sexier tend to eroticize the displays and codes of (North American) heterosexuality. Boxers represent to them a more true "masculinity."

Tighty-whiteys on men represent a more feminized, self-conscious and preening symbol of gay sexuality. Therefore "tighty-whiteys" is generally used as a "negative, dismissive label" by heterosexuals about men who wear them.

Gay men who eroticize boxers are also more likely to eroticize hairy men (those who do not trim, shave or wax their bodies), facial hair and more natural appearing bodies, because these are signs of heterosexual masculinity.

On the other hand, gay men who prefer tighty-whiteys eroticize the emphasis on the phallic, as long as the body of the wearer approaches either a Greek ideal (or a hypermasculinity conveyed by the bodies of bodybuilders), or the athletic, toned bodies of athletes or youthful men (eroticization of youthfulness and innocence). If the man wearing tighty-whiteys is overweight and overly hirsute, then tighty-whiteys are considered erotically repulsive.

Tighty-whiteys are also representative of youth because they are commonly worn by boys and male teenagers, and thus convey "immature development" - those who wear them are not quite yet a 'man.'

The hybrid tighty-whitey/boxer known as a "boxer brief" is a compromise between the competing and dualistic gay eroticizations, making both camps of 'fetishists' happy.

White bikini briefs, sans fly, eliminate any reference to the penis and thus masculinity and therefore are considered even more effiminate and akin to panties.

Colour adds another layer of meaning: white equals innocence, purity and youthfulness, black and grey add a touch of masculinity, and red is worn by rebels such as punks, goths and fringe artists. Silk is associated with European males, blue with boyscouts, and fluorescent oranges and lime greens with psychedelic ravers.

I'm sure this is more information than you wanted to know, but since you brought it up...

Absolut-ly Potent


Image credit: Adbusters

Alcoholism is often considered a moral issue; but it has a very real physiological basis that may lead to addiction. There are varying theories as to its cause.

I'm not a biochemist, but my understanding is that when alcohol is consumed, through a complicated process it turns into the opioid neuropeptides known as endorphins and enkephalins. They resemble opiates in their abilities to produce analgesia and a sense of well-being. In other words, they might work as "natural pain killers." The good feeling one gets from an orgasm is partially attributed to the release of endorphins. The common understanding that intense exercise such as the "runner's high" is caused by the release of endorphins is questionable:

"Another widely publicized effect of endorphin production is the so-called "runner's high", which is said to occur when strenuous exercise takes a person over a threshold that activates endorphin production…. However, some scientists question the mechanisms at work, their research possibly demonstrating the high comes from completing a challenge rather than as a result of exertion. (Klosterman) (Altman) There is some recent evidence that endogenous cannabinoids are responsible for "runner's high", rather than endorphins. (Endocannabinoids and exercise, by A Dietrich and W F McDaniel, May 4, 2004 bjsportsmed.com)"



In addition, there is a substance (neurochemical?) produced called Tetrahydroisoquinoline or THIQ, which is normally found in the brains of heroin users.

Tetrahydroisoquinoline compounds (THIQ): Precursor of morphine found in the opium poppy and in mammalian tissues after exposure to ethanol. Development may be dependent on aldehyde concentrations. Enzymes controlling the production of this substance may be genetically determined.

There is genetic evidence that there are ethnic groups with increased risk of developing alcoholism. These include: Irish Catholic (Brad fits this category), American Indians, Scandinavians (I fit this category).

It is theorized that some people are genetically predisposed to alcoholism due to the genetic and biochemical make-up of their brain. Alcoholics tend to love the rush of opiate-related biopeptides that rush through their brain. Some research shows that in alcoholics, a brain function related to hunger-control is triggered, causing the experience of famishment. One drink literally causes the feeling of an insatiable, intense hunger for alcohol.

Unfortunately, for those who are genetically predisposed to alcoholism, there is a progression of the disease. The brain chemistry becomes irrevocably altered, and retains a biochemical memory of sorts. Relapse (use of alcohol) returns the users back to the stage at which they stopped drinking alcohol. The brain biochemistry does not return to normal or heal - the stage of alcoholism continues where the person left off, even decades after their last drink.

The physical dependence to alcohol is caused by the withdrawal of the opioid neuropeptides. The chemical structure of the ethanol-derived opioids mimics the shape of the brain's naturally generated endorphins and enkephalins. Imibing alcohol floods the brain with an excess of these foreign neuropeptides, causing the brain to decrease its natural production of them. The brain to go into neuroadaptation - it stops production of these essential neurotransmitters and the cessation of alcohol use causes the physical symptoms of withdrawal. Withdrawal symptoms from alcohol are exactly like those from the withdrawal of opiates - morphine, codeine and thebaine. In long-term, constant users of alcohol, there is the threat of experiencing delerium tremens which may lead to death.


Photo credit: Adbuster/Alcohol Spoof Ads

From a personal perspective, I definitely have crossed the line from occasional social use, to occasional binges, to regular binges. The binges went from a few times a year to once a week over a period of about 9 years (I didn't drink from age 20 - 32). Now it seems like when I drink, I stay drunk for a few days, not one evening like before. It definitely seems progressive, and that I start where I leave off from my last drinking pattern.

I definitely love the rush of opiate-endorphins I get from alcohol. I can easily drink a mickey of vodka in 20 minutes. Even after feeling the warm, pleasant buzz, I begin to crave more. . .even after 24 ounces. But after the initial few hours of pleasant drunkenness, I tend to pass out, and then the binge experience becomes blurry and generally unpleasant. The last two times I got drunk I ended up experiencing painful withdrawal, in contrast to rarely even getting a noticeable hangover.

I think that alcoholism is far more common than generally acknowledged, especially in gay culture. The abuse of alcohol definitely impacts one's moral character negatively; but more on that another time.

[Updated] The Law of Attraction?

My infatuation with Brad has ended - I don't think I'll continue writing the story. Immediately after finishing Part 3 of "Hanging With Brad" and posting it to Blogger, I had an epiphany: Brad is a slithery little bastard. Writing down the details gave me a more objective perspective on him and our 'friendship.' I was obviously blinded by his beautiful exterior and the desire to get in his skivvies. Although I don't purport to be much better, we really don't share the same values, or at least aspire to the same ones. I realized from writing it down that he left out a lot of information about his experience with his S&M buddies [for instance, he did admit he gave Dave a hand-job, but what else?]. And his attitude toward women and relationships is appalling [I didn't get to finish writing about some of the things he told me, but trust me, it's pretty disgusting].


Earlier that day Brad and I went for coffee, and he told me that a new guy moved into his half-way house over the weekend, who he knew from the drug scene. This guy is apparently 6'4", built huge, and a major crack addict who wants to get back into dealing. He confessed to Brad that he's gay [no one else knows], and the two of them "hung out" together all weekend while I was out of town. He wants Brad to move into an apartment with him near the university. I didn't think much about it at the time. Brad and I arranged to meet up later that evening.

I was looking forward to seeing him, and since I had a car I thought we could drive out to do a hike together or something fun. So I called him at the pre-arranged time, but he wasn't home. That's when I decided to start writing Part 3 of my story, to fill my time until I got a hold of Brad. I tried an hour later. . . still not home. I tried once more an hour later, and when unsuccessful at reaching him, I finished writing.

I realize that I've been sugar-coating my perceptions about him - in reality, I don't think he's interested in improving his values. I'm not sure that he wants to stay clean either. He might still be using if he had enough money to buy some crack, or had the right connections. Having lived on the streets with other crack addicts for so long, he's learned how to survive, which means: charming the pants off people, saying what you want to hear while cleverly using you for money, company and entertainment. I don't sense any real commitment or depth in his offer of friendship.

In reality, I didn't have much to say to him. I was just getting off on hearing "exotic" stories of street life from a criminal who happens to look like Brad Pitt. My attraction was mostly physical, and hanging out with him held the allure of getting sexually intimate with him. Pretty stupid when I look at it now.

He of course didn't call me, nor did I see him the following day. I saw him today at the meeting, but I was in a hurry to get home so I just said, "hello, I've got to get going." I think I'll keep a distance for a while until my hormones regulate.

It's probably not good for either of us to "hang out" right now. My intentions were less than honourable too, and I was making the same mistake of treating him like he treats others. Ouch! I guess it's true - one is often attracted to others of like mind!


***

Insider's Joke

Guy 1
"I got lucky last night at an AA meeting."

Guy 2
"You did?"

Guy 1
"Yeah, I went home alone."

Hanging with Brad (Part 3)
Read Part 2 here

[I've searched the internet for pictures of Brad Pitt that most remind me of 'my' Brad. I bought a digital camera this weekend so I can start taking my own pics of him!]



Brad's getting blood tests and an x-ray today to check his liver functioning.

"How long do you think you'll be?" I ask. I'm being a little manipulative in my question - I hope to hang out with Brad all day but don't want to simply ask him if he wants to. It's important to not appear too eager.

"It shouldn't take more than 30 minutes," he says.

"I'll wait for you then," I say.

I let Brad off at the front door and tell him I'll meet him in the atrium after I find a parking space.

I've always loved the efficiency and sterility of hospital atriums. I haven't been in them often, but when I find myself in one I enjoy the focused purpose, the organized busyness, the muffled voices inside its cavernous spaces. Hospitals are a world within the world: they remind me of science fiction utopias where its citizens maintain carefully controlled emotions. I find a seat across from the coffee shop so I can watch the handsome doctor on coffee break.

Half an hour later I see Brad walking through the main avenue of the atrium. He looks out of place with his ball cap, skater shorts and t-shirt, and quick shuffling movements. When he sees me he appears more animated.

"Oh man, the urine test has to be taken exactly at 10:30, so they won't see me until then. Maybe they can take the x-ray first. Do you mind waiting?"

Not at all. Brad asks me to come with him to the waiting room.

"Are you sure? I can just stay here and do some work. I've got my laptop with me," I say.

Brad looks disappointed. "Oh, you want to work? Nah, come with me." He grabs my hand to help me stand, and heads toward the admitting desk.
The nurse directs us to another floor, so we take the elevator. Inside, he says to me, "I get claustrophobic inside elevators. I never used to be, but it's from using crack so long. It's part of the paranoia."

I feel more like the paranoid one between us. I'm self-conscious of being older and gay, and I wonder what people think when they see us together. It's probably all in my head - I haven't seen anyone give any indication that they find us an unusual couple. And Brad hasn't shown the slightest concern about it himself.

I'm also unsure of how to act. I'm not used to being friends with a straight guy, especially one who's younger and attractive. I've been keeping a distance, trying not to show too much interest, in order to make Brad feel comfortable with me. I don't want him to think I'm just trying to get into his pants. Because I'm not [I think].

Younger guys have different kinds of friendships than older men do with each other. It's more common for guys in their late teens and early twenties to get together and call one another on a daily basis. To lean on one another more, and share more personal experiences and feelings. The unwritten rules of friendship are quite different within my age group.

Brad gets to see the nurse much sooner than the other dozen people in the waiting room. I notice how the nurses flirt with him: When one nurse calls his name, she walks right into the room and looks around expectantly for him with a huge smile on her face. She shares knowing smirks with two other nurses next to her.

Brad returns shortly with a band-aid on his arm, holding a large plastic container with measurement lines on its side. "I'm supposed to piss in this over the next 24 hours," he explains, "and keep it refrigerated until I bring it back for tests."



In the car, I ask, carefully, "I don't know if you have plans for today, but you're welcome to hang out with me at my sister's house. She lives just outside of Lethbridge. You can watch some tv or use one of their computers."

"Yeah, that would be great," Brad says. "I'll take any opportunity to get out of town and do something different."

On the highway I remember a quaint country restaurant that serves home-grown, organic vegetables from their greenhouses and a healthy menu. It looks like a farmhouse, and is surrounded by acres of farmland. "I'll buy you lunch, if you're interested," I say to Brad.

Over a Cajun Chicken Caesar Salad and a whole wheat BLT wrap with organic tomato soup served on the outdoor veranda, Brad tells me about the last time he had eight months of sobriety.

"I was really getting my shit together. I even was an extra for that movie…what's its name? It was filmed in Fort MacLeod."

"Brokeback Mountain?"

"Yeah, did you see it?"

"Yes, it was quite good," I said.

"I think I was even in the movie. I was in the scene where one of the characters was at a fair, and gets into a fight with two other cowboys." Brad says. "I haven't seen it myself though."

"The one where Heath Ledger is at a fair with his wife and kids, and two cowboys sitting behind them are using foul language, so he tells them to watch their language?" I don't remember the scene very vividly, but this is what I recall.

"Yeah, you should be able to see me walking past them in a cowboy hat, just before the fight scene. I had to redo that scene several times, and the director handpicked me to be the guy who walks past them before the fight breaks out."

"Cool." I'm now beginning to have Brokeback fantasies starring Brad in a cowboy hat. "We'll have to rent the movie to see if you make the cut," I suggest.

***
An hour later we're sitting in my sister's kitchen, drinking coffee. Brad is sitting next to my sister's "prayer board" - a dry erase marker board where her family lists people to pray for each evening after dinner. Brad is telling me more details about his last slip, when he went on a 3 month crack binge in Calgary.



"I ended up spending a couple of weeks with a couple of gay guys who were really into S&M," he says. "I sold [drugs] to a lot of guys in the areas around the gay clubs. I got along with them because they were friendly to me and non-dangerous.

I never did tricks like a lot of crack addicts out there do. Well, okay, maybe about four times I let a guy suck my dick when I was really broke and desperate. But I've never been fucked. It's just not my thing.

I met a gay couple named [Mark] and [Dave]. Mark has a big condo in one of the high-rises downtown. He's some kind of stockbroker. His partner Dave is an up-and-coming musical theatre actor. Both are good looking guys, but Dave is a lot younger."

I'm speechless from Brad's confession. So I just nod, listening, trying not to look shocked.

"These guys had been doing Crystal Meth for about three months straight, and were totally insane. They'd basically lost hold of reality, and were inviting strangers they met on the internet up to their apartment for group sex and orgies, and getting really into S&M shit. He had turned his apartment into a dungeon - his livingroom had a sling and harness hanging from the fucking ceiling! They both were HIV+ and had unprotected sex with other guys, and were really proud of their fisting skills." Brad pauses to check out my reaction to this information.

"Yeah, I know about that kind of thing," I say. "I've run into guys who are into that stuff, although it's not something I've ever participated in."

"Me neither. I used to hide in another room while these guys had orgies going on. I was afraid to fall asleep in case I awoke and found myself tied up in the sling. It was my greatest fear while I was staying with them," says Brad. "I was afraid they'd get on the internet and sell tickets for a thousand dollars a pop at my virgin ass."

I'm both shocked and upset that Brad put himself in such a potentially dangerous situation, while also trying to push aside images of him tied up in a sling with his white ass spread ready to be entered. "Oh, I doubt they would've gone that far, would they?" I say.

"You never know. Remember, they were hallucinating after using Meth for months, and not getting any sleep. Once we were on an internet chat and they made plans to get together with a guy who wants to be dominated by the two of them. So we all get dressed up: they were wearing full leather gear and Dave had on a mask that covered his entire head. They put me in some leather pants, and I had a chain around my neck, and we piled in the car to go over to his house. Except we were so high that we got lost for three hours."

Brad both laughs and acts horrified as he explains the rest of the story: "Here we are, stoned out of our minds driving around Calgary. I'm freaking out that we're going to get stopped by the cops, and they'll think we're some kind of psycho killers. We finally find the address somewhere in the suburbs of Calgary, three hours late, and we get out of the car in full leather gear and walk up to a house and ring the door bell.

It turns out that we were at the wrong house! We were at his next door neighbour's house. Fuck! I was afraid he was going to call 911 after seeing us."

I'm still trying to get my head around Brad's revelation. I feel disoriented from the amount of information he's confided, and I'm trying to imagine him being in these scenarios. "Uh, you went with them, and you were in leather and chains as well?" I ask him.

"Yeah, I mean, I wasn't going to join them in sex," says Brad, backtracking. "I was just along for the experience. Anyway, the guy had changed his mind once we showed up."

I can't put my finger on it, but his story and his role in the situation doesn't quite mesh for me. Intuitively, I feel like he's leaving some details out, but that he's being honest about it, overall. I don't want to interrogate him so that he feels uncomfortable, so I let it go. Instead, I move sideways with the conversation.

"Wow. That's pretty crazy," I say, "In graduate school I had to study sadomasochism because it related to an area of study I did for my thesis. So I know about it from a theoretical perspective. As well, I knew some artists who dealt with it specifically in their work."

"Yeah, one of my ex-girlfriends, the one from New York who was a topless dancer and whore, loved to have me dominate her, verbally. Basically humiliate her…" Brad adds.

I pause, trying to think of how to respond. "How did you feel about being put in that role?" I ask, neutrally.

"At first I was uncomfortable, but she really got off on it," Brad says. "She loved me to talk dirty to her: 'Yo, bitch, get on your knees and lick my boots,' kind of thing. I guess I got off on dominating her after a while.

I laugh, nervously. Mostly from uncertainty of how to react. "Really? I couldn't do that. I'm too vanilla for that kind of thing." I say.

I'm beginning to realize that blond, blue-eyed Brad is less Vanilla and a little more Ice.

[To be continued…in Part 4 Brad comes with me for dinner at my parents house.]