Some of my favourite bloggers

Addaboy
Clever, humorous, honest, real, sexy. I check his blog site first, daily. Because I know I'm going to get a laugh, feel something, or just immerse myself in his 'being.' I can relate to him.

CoolRelax
Clever, humorous, honest, real, sexy, and sweet. I feel protective of him. He reminds me of myself when I first "came out." Also, he has an amazing way of using language - using that Southern-influence. Plus, he insists, he's Christian. I'm too direct to entirely "get" him, but I love him anyway. He lists his links in alphabetical order, which indicates he is probably Virgo.

OverEasy
He's new, he's honest, he's real, he's sexy, I can't get my mind off his woody in his boxer shorts, he's muscular, he's educated, he's super-intelligent. He's a great writer.

Sissy_SpaceChik
Funny, brilliant, sexy and clever beyond belief. He's not as slutty as I'd like him to be though. So that's why he's last on my list. He tries his best to be slutty, but he's got a boyfriend.

Wet Dreaming
Hot, sexy, fun, clever, visual, once married with daughter, lives on an island, plus partnered with a hot guy - the blogger I want to be. Hasn't any sexual hang-ups.

New roommate coming

After living alone for the last four months, I realized I needed the extra income, so went looking for a roommate to share my house for March. I prefer living alone, and it's a bit daunting to live with someone I don't know (it's even daunting to live with someone I do), but I put up my posters at the usual hot spots. Then on the web I came across www.roommateclick.com. It allows advertise, post pictures and so on and thought I'd give it a try. The next day I had a message from a guy with a handle called "vaquero." It obviously sounds Spanish, so I looked it up on the web and found out it means "cowboy."

So I'll call my new roommate "cowboy." He's currently living in Ohio, but moving to Vancouver because he has a new job beginning April 1 at a university near my house. He's a biogenetics engineer. He's got a master's education and is originally from Mexico. We talked on the phone a few times, and he's got a lovely Spanish accent. He sent me a couple pictures and looks like handsome enough guy. So he's moving in the third week of March.

I love having a roommate who's never been in Vancouver before, because I get to play tour guide to this beautiful city (Vancouver was just nominated the third best place to live in the world by Conde Nast magazine, down from number one for the past two times). I think I also prefer someone who is gay and educated, so he meets these qualifications.

It might be nice to have someone else around. We'll see.

Australian rugby player convicted of several counts of non-consensual ass-play & The gay agenda behind same-sex marriages

Controversial Wests Tigers winger John Hopoate has been suspended for 12 weeks after being found guilty by the NRL Judiciary of poking his fingers up the anuses of three North Queensland players. One of the accusers, Jones, said, "It wasn't a wedgie. That's when your pants are pulled up your arse. I think I know the difference between a wedgie and someone sticking their finger up my bum," said Jones, admitting that while both acts caused discomfort, they caused different sensations and he could differentiate between the two.
Click here for more.

Here's a clever animation regarding the politics of gay marriages. Click here.

How to Say "No"
After reading three of my favourite blogs I am rather shocked and disappointed by these guys' ability to say, "no." They would rather appear as "nice guys" rather than be "honest." Think about that statement for a minute. Isn't a nice guy someone who is honest?

A nice guy is someone who cares about someone else's feelings. If you really care about someone else's feelings, wouldn't you be honest with him or her? Not lead them on? Making them think you like them, when in reality you don't? The only person your dishonesty is serving is your own. Your own fear of looking like a "bad guy." Morals and ethics aren't based on "how you look" to other people. They're based in on being consistent inside and out with your values. If you fake something you aren't, then you always end up hurting someone else - including yourself, because you've betrayed your own conscience.

I can't think of anything ruder than pretending to be nice to someone, making them think you like them, then not ever calling them again. As I've written in previous blogs, I've had two boyfriends who were so concerned about "how they appear" that they've been dishonest with me, ultimately hurting me way more than if they were direct about their feelings and disinterest. I'd rather someone was "cruel to be kind."

When one blogger mentioned they were at a gay bar, and some drunk guy was coming onto him, he remained polite, even when the drunk guy gave him a sloppy tongue-based kiss as he was leaving. What the fuck is that about? You're afraid to make a scene, because you're afraid of not looking "nice?" Excuse me, but who is not nice in this situation? The drunk guy.

I've been in gay bars, where creepy guys grab my ass, pinch my nipples, grab my waist and push me against them, and even...in line at the bar, where a guy grinds his crotch against my ass. In every instance, I've shoved the guy away and said clearly, "Fuck off." I'm not the one with the rude behaviour - I'm the one with appropriate behaviour. Addaboy got it right - you should almost punch the guy in the face. They're assaulting you.

Index Finger vs. Ring Finger
Is your index finger (next to your thumb) longer than your ring finger (next to your pinky)? Or vice versa?

If your ring finger is longer, then you had more testosterone injected into your body in utero. If your index finger is longer, then you had more estrogen.

Personally, I didn't know that these two fingers differed in length. My index finger is definitely shorter than my ring finger, meaning I have more testosterone. Apparently this means I tend to be more competitive and more sexual, therefore less into committed relationships.

Interesting. I'm not sure I believe the research. But it's something to think about.

Rules for Dating and Breaking-Up
After reading EasyOver's new blog, it made me reflect on my own rules for dating...and breaking-up. Here's my wisdom after four major breakups.

1. Never date a man who's just getting out of a relationship. Wait ONE year.
This is, unfortunately, a truism, that I learned after being with Les. I was young and innocent when I got involved with him after his long-term relationship ended, and although I knew better, I still thought "it would be different with us." Instead it was a classic "rebound" relationship. I now know it takes time for a guy to regain his sense of singular identity. At first it's scary to be alone, and then when he meets someone he connects with and has a sexual attraction, he clings onto the situation. Rebound relationships rarely last more than three or four months.

I also wait at least a year, after getting out of a relationship, before I consider dating and meeting someone. Otherwise I'm just not mentally, spiritually or physically ready to get intimately involved with a guy. I suppose if someone connects intimately with others very superficially, they can get involved, but I'm not one of those people. Nor would I want to date someone like that (although I have).

2. If my partner breaks up with me, end all relations - IMMEDIATELY - for at least a year. Don't try to be friends.
I have yet to follow this advice, but after my last break-up, I hope I've learned my lesson once and for all. It's far too painful and messy, otherwise. I go through all the classic symptoms - denial, negotiation, depression...before I come to acceptance. And getting to acceptance takes me at least a year.

With denial - I don't believe they don't want to be with me. It's nearly incomprehensible to me. In fact, I've laughed when they've told me this.

With negotiation - I think, "Well, if I change this or that, will you stay with me?" I've also played manipulative games, such as working out like crazy, getting a great hair cut, dressing so I look hot, being on my best behaviour, so when I get together with my ex, under the guise of being "friends," I'm actually hoping to seduce him so that he gets back with me. I've always done well at this - seducing my ex-boyfriends. They have always ended up having sex with me, regularly, after we've broken up (against their better judgement) but then the ex always ends up meeting someone else within a few months and dumps me altogether. Plus I have to go through the intense jealousy, anger, occassional messy dramas and it just ends up making ME look bad. And desperate.

In the future, I promise to end all relations immediately. Without being angry and guilt provoking. Simply stating that, "I need to be alone for a year to deal with my feelings, so that I don't dump them on you." With the option to be friends, a year later. This would be so much more civilized, and also help me to get over him, sooner, instead of drawing it out for another six months or a year.

3. Keep strict boundaries - don't discuss the situation with friends you have in common with your ex-boyfriend.
This one I've always been pretty good at, I admit. When I've gotten into a relationship, our individual friends tend to mix, and we become friends with each other's friends. But when the relationship ends, I never discuss the situation with his friends (although they were mine while we were together). Likewise, my friends never discuss the situation with him. This is really important, because otherwise gossip spreads, and you put others into the situation of having to be on "my side" or "his side." This is unfair and ruins friendships. Also, once I've gotten to the "acceptance stage" a year later, I'd like to be on good terms with his friends again.

The truth is, no one is fully right or wrong once a relationship ends. Fortunately I've always had mature enough friends to realize this, and they respect the boundaries, as do I, by not discussing the situation.

I think this summarizes the key points. If I think of anything else, I'll update this entry.

Streakers left out in the cold

SPOKANE, Washington (Court TV) -- A car thief left a trio of streakers in Washington state out in the cold.

Three men who made a racy run through a Denny's restaurant earlier this month were themselves the victims of a keen-eyed customer who apparently made off with the naked men's car -- as well as the clothes they left inside.

The car was later recovered and the streakers do not face criminal charges, police said. But the car thief remains at large.

The three men reportedly stripped down to nothing but their shoes and hats in 20-degree weather on January 14 and proceeded to streak through a warm Denny's restaurant in Spokane.

In hopes of making a quick getaway, one of the pranksters left his blue 1988 Mazda running outside. According to police, another customer in the restaurant noticed the waiting car and drove off with it.

The streakers watched in horror as the car drove away, according to police. They gave chase but were unable to catch up and were forced to huddle nude behind a car in an adjacent parking lot until police arrived.

Several days later the owner of the car recovered his vehicle in a parking lot several miles from the Denny's, according to Spokane police spokesman Dick Cottam.

Authorities believe that car thief drove the vehicle a short distance and abandoned it, but that a second person may have stolen the car again, Cottam said.

The locks were broken and the ignition and radio were ripped out. The original thief would not have had to break into the car because it was left unlocked and running by its streaking owner, Cottam said.

The streakers could have faced charges of indecent exposure or lewd conduct but have not been charged because officers did not witness the incident, and nobody at the restaurant chose to make a complaint, Cottam said.

"They have had sufficient punishment," Cottam said.

Update on Kevan the Hottie

I went onto gaydar.com and saw Kevan67 online, yesterday. He hadn't responded to my email. So I decided to give him a message and say hello. "Hey bud, did you get my email?"

I got a message back, saying that he hadn't. He also sent me a face pic - he's very handsome. He's got red hair, green eyes, beautifully shaped eyes, nose, mouth and ears. Everything's real perfect. A nice wide jaw. Close cropped hair. He's amazingly hot, although I'm not into red heads, normally. Now when I look at his body picture (which I have a couple posts down) I see that he has red head. His hair is too light and reddish looking.

So these are a few of our messages:

Kevan: "Well, where do I start... I came out very late, to myself when I was 28/29; to others, when I was about 34. So, still sort of new at this on the one hand. That has accounted for no long term relationships so far, I`d say. What`s important to me is that a guy is `a guy`: masculine, str8 looking and acting and can blend in either crowd, gay or str8. Maybe I`m delusional, or happy enough be myself, but the only guy I`ll ever be with is that str8 gay guy. I know he exists cause I have friends like him, I`m like him and i`ve met them: usually in Spain, Greece or Italy. But almost never hear. If I have met that guy here, he usually does drugs, parties, and so on. If you`re like the guy I`m talking about, let`s meet, by all means."

I told Kevan that I wasn't what he's looking for. I'm not the "str8 gay guy." I'm more like "michael" on Queer as Folk. I also mentioned that he looks Danish, because of his wide jaw, small nose, beautiful blue eyes, nicely shaped lips, and small ears. This is what he replied.

"Actually, make those green eyes (I thought he had blue eyes). I`m half Italian, on my Dad`s side, not from the north, but from the south, where in my opinion, the real Italians are from! But my mom`s dad is from the French part of Switzerland and her mother`s side, way back, is a mix of Irish and English. Long story to explain I look Irish and Italian. My hair is red/blond, eyes are green and yet I have my dad`s families bone structure and physique. And you, you look very handsome. What is your ethnic background? You look pretty smooth. I prefer guys who are moderately hairy. But not that important. Are you Greek? Italian? Spanish? You sort of look it."?

I told him I do look somewhat Italian, with my dark hair and eyes, and tanned skin, but I'm Danish and Russian.

"Yeah, when I travel in Europe, people tend to think I`m German or Danish or Dutch, and, coincidentally, some do say Russian. Anyway, you`re lucky if you`ve met bi guys in my opinion, though most of my friends would disagree. At least they`re men. For the most part, I`ll take them any day over your regular gay guy. I know that`s harsh. But I include myself in that indictment as well. Not sure who Michael is cause I never watch that show; but I think its the one whose mother used to play a cop on an old TV show?? We could meet, Mike. I may yet disappoint you. So, I don`t want to be too smug. ;) And hey, lets look at it this way: I`ve got some very hot str8 looking and acting friends who would probably dig you a lot -- as a trade of course for the phone number of some of those bi guys if we don`t hit it off. Kidding. Let me know if you want to meet. cheers.
I wrote to Kevan:
I`m glad to know that I was "right on" about your looks and Scandanavians. And yes, you got "michael" right from Queer as Folk. Bi-guys can be very hot. Unfortunately, they`re too confused when it comes to relationships with a guy. They like the sex...but not the relationship part. If you`re only into the sex, then you`re happy. But if you want something long term and monogamous, forget it. I did have two three-year long relationships that were monogamous with them though, so that`s okay. And yes, I`d take a bi-guy over a regular gay guy any day, myself. As for getting together, maybe some time. Let`s keep in touch. And no, I wouldn`t introduce you to my ex`s - I`m too jealous to do that. Take care.

So Kevan writes back to me:
Scared you away, did I? ;) Frankness takes that risk. Hope you find what you`re looking for. cheers.

What an idiot! So I wrote back:
No, you didn't scare me away - LOL! Frankness is a quality I appreciate and thank you for. I thought it was obvious there was nothing more happening other than friendship. I say what I mean, and I would like to keep in touch, and perhaps meet up some time. And no, I wouldn't introduce you to my ex's - why would I want to introduce them to someone as hot as you? I'm still into my ex's. Let me know if you still want to keep in touch.

So Kevan wrote back:
Okay. Cool. The "bi ex`s" comment I said very much tongue-in-cheek, by the way. Contact me again some time if you want to meet. cheers - Kevan,

Wow, did he not impress me with his personality. Yuck. I feel like meeting with him, simply to shove my fist into his face. How's that for a str8 gay guy? He'd probably be into it.

Isn't the gay life fun?

Sexual Fantasies

I guess I'm all horned up at the moment, because I'm thinking about sex. And sexual fantasies. This is a topic rarely touched upon by other bloggers, except for Geekslut. But since I'm not stupid enough to tell friends that I have a blog, I am pretty much anonymous (I hope). Really, Todd, what are you thinking, by making your blog public and people knowing who you are? What's the point of blogging then? The fun is in telling the truth, while no one knows who you are.

So, I think most gay men fantasize about sex more than I do. I've gleaned this from conversations I've had with other gay men. I'm not sure why this is - perhaps my puritanical Christian upbringing? Perhaps.

Also, sexual fantasies ebb and flow. They're here today, gone tomorrow. What I fantasize about today is gone tomorrow. So it's hard to get a handle on them. But there are a few moments in time that I remember which are terrific to jerk off to.

After all the sex I had with BC, the one that stands out the most for me is...

I slept overnight with BC, and he was getting ready for work at 7:30am. He took his LONG shower, then was doing his hair in his bathroom mirrors. He was naked, of course - all 6'4" of him, languidly lounging (meaning sitting on his butt) on his bathroom sink. Fussing and combing and gelling his receding hair in the triple mirrors he had installed. His hot, muscular body, hairy chest and legs, and huge dick were just laid there. He looked so cute, and HOT. I wandered over and began sucking his limp dick. He didn't oppose. Within seconds, it became big, his usual 9 - 10" and I gave him a blow job. He was into it, even though he had to leave for work within 5 minutes. I made him cum, and he shot his huge, delicious, sweet cum into my mouth, and I licked up any remaining cummage. He joked, "I guess I don't need to wipe myself off now." He got dressed and went to work.

I'm not sure why that remains in my mind as one of the hottest sexual experiences I've ever had. But it is. If I psychoanalyze it, it has to do with the following...
He wasn't looking for a blow job.
His dick was limp, but I made it hard.
He totally got into being sucked off, even though he was in a hurry.
He would go into work knowing that he had just been sucked off.
He would work all day, knowing he got an amazing blow job on his huge dick.

I know it's not enlightened, but it's the truth. There you go.

The other major sexual fantasy that was fulfilled for me, and lingers in my sexual memory, is with Les.

Les...the guy who looked like a young Mel Gibson, was a top, and had always wanted to fuck me. I wasn't into being fucked. He did it once, in Hawaii, and I didn't enjoy it at all. It felt like he was dominating me, which I didn't like the idea of. I was about 29 years old then.

We had parted for about a year, then we got together again. In the meantime, I had watched porno videos, and tried to sexually fantasize about getting fucked. Being dominated. By Les. (Even though I fantasized about fucking him.)

There is a huge psychological aspect to being a bottom, I'd like to inform you all of. It took me until I was 29 years old to learn how to enjoy being a bottom, and even now, there are difficulties. As long as you can fuck me, I hope to fuck you back. That's how it works with me. I don't understand these 23 year year olds, who call themselves bottoms from the get-go. I was never that way.

Anyway, I went to a waterpark with about 15 gay men one summer. Les was there. I wore my yellow fluorescent bathing suit. We laid out in the sun, and I was doing my best to turn Les on. I ended up driving four gay guys back to Vancouver, and I knew I wanted to get fucked by Les. After dropping off all the other guys, Les invited me back, and I ended up at his beautiful home, in his bedroom, sucking his dick, and I told him, "Fuck me."

After not letting him fuck me for a long time, and not being into it, he was quite surprised. So I was doggy style on his bed, he was standing, and I could see us in the mirrors in his bedroom. I allowed myself, psychologically, to get turned on by the fact that he was "dominating" me. I hate that word. Perhaps "offense" and "defensive" are better words (see coolrelax.blogspot.com). But really, I was being turned on by sticking out my cute butt, and having Les stick it to me!

So, he did, and he felt my cock while fucking me - which was extremely hard. I was enjoying it! He was thrilled to see that my cock was hard. It was one of the hottest sexual thrills of my life. And his too.

We were both hard the whole week, thinking about that sexual interaction. And it required me to change my psychological feeling about the whole event.

It's still challenging for me to be a bottom, but I can enjoy it when I'm willing. So there you go. More than you wanted to know!

Oh, man. I am a slut. Sometimes.

I was watching a pseudo-pornographic movie on tv tonight, and suddenly got very horny. I just wanted a nice, hard dick in my mouth. Do you ever have that sudden craving? It came out of nowhere - I haven't been horny in a long time. So I went onto www.squirt.com, and within 5 minutes was chatting with a guy not far from where I live. He agreed to meet me in my alley, so I could suck him off in my garage. He is 23 years old, 6'4", and an average sized dick. So I waited out in the alley for him, and there he was. A hot looking, masculine dude, with a goatee. Within minutes, we were in my garage, and I pressed him against my car, undid his belt and jeans. We kissed a little, then I went down on his super hard cock. And I sucked him off. Even though he is average sized - he knew how to use it, and made me choke a few times. Even though his hair is more brown than red, his trimmed bush hair was red. He played with my cock too.

He has a profile on www.lesbigay.com - I'd never heard of it before. He's apparently bisexual. Why do I always hook up with bi guys? Hmmm. Something that makes you go hmmm. But I definitely got my much needed craving for cock fulfilled.

Yum.

Janet Jackson's Boob
I just have a couple comments to make (I'm sure everyone is sick to death of hearing about her boob, too). In Canada, it's legal for women to walk around topless, showing their boobs. It was decided by the Supreme Court several years ago. I have sat on the beach with many women in Vancouver and other places, topless, and no one gave a sh*t. Also, Janet had a star-shaped sticky on her nipple, thereby making her not entirely nude. I have far more issues with the football violence. This is typical America - yea for violence, no for sex. Grow up.

My Response to Kevin67

So, this is what I wrote to Kevan67. Let's see if I hear back from him. I'm too experienced to believe that anything of significance will happen. But here it goes:

"Hi Kevan:

Your profile and pictures are and look very hot! You could be my dream-man also. (LOL, back at you! )

Besides your very attractive body shots, incredible butt, and handsomely hairy bod (just right, not too much) I like what you have to say about your personality. I've never dated someone who is opinioned, informed, educated and reads books. I've tended to date men who are the opposite - uneducated, but they know how to fix cars, do carpentry and replace windsheild wipers. Although I've got 10 years of education, I am not left -leaning either. I am a team-player too.

I seem to fit your "requirements" in terms of not being into the gay-scene, not having tattoos or piercings, being into fidelity, being 100% healthy, not being a party-boy, and being able to joke about myself. I also have dark brown hair and eyes, nice tanned skin, but I'm also caucasian. I've had a great family upbringing in terms of morals.

It would be interesting to meet someone with such a hot bod and description, such as yours. I am interested in hearing more about you. Anything you'd like to tell me, I'd like to hear."

Red-headed Kevan


I received an interesting e-mail from someone who saw my profile on gaydar.co.uk. Man, he looks incredibly sexy, and sounds hot too. He wrote:

Hey man, I just read your profile on G-Dar.
You may be my dream-man. ;) lol.

Check out his bod! His description and what he's looking for are also very interesting:
"Like strong minded non-conformists, compassionate, respect others. Brainy/sharp mind; must have opinion, informed, and able to support it. Athletic, masculine, straight looking - a must; physically attracted only to blk/brn hair, brn or hazel eyes. Prefer Middle Eastern or Mediterranean looking men (Not attracted to blond/fair or light/blue-eyed men). Must also share same idea of fidelity: One plus one = no one else. Also, going somewhere with life, yet not impressed with material things nor with pleasing crowd. Able to laugh at himself. Must be 100% healthy, like me. No piercings, tattoos, shaved or party boys/drugs."

I'll have to e-mail him and I'll let you know what happens.

Inflammatory E-mails

What a great day I've had. Nothing big happened, but it still feels satisfying. I cleaned two thirds of my house so everything is tidy, organized and smelling like bleach. I'm half way through my laundry. I completed several tasks for my clients. I took a long, satisfying shower. I had coffee with a friend I haven't seen in a while. Now I'll finish my bedroom tonight - laundering my sheets, comforter and pillows, cleaning my bathroom and organizing my closet. I can't wait until I slip into clean, white sheets.

I didn't write about how I resolved my conflict from January 23. I was preparing for teaching a course at my college in mid-March. Last year, when I taught the same course, there were major classroom booking issues, which were not my fault. I was three weeks into the course before rooms could be confirmed, so my students could attend class. I was infuriated! On my own time I had to work with the whole bureacracy to find a room (this was a major task, one that involved politics) and then book an extra three classes for my students because they missed the first three weeks. I'm not hired to be a room booker. I wasn't hired to teach an additional three classes. And I wasn't paid extra, when it wasn't my fault.

In the last three years, I've always had rooms prepared for me. So I was very pissed! It's because our college had a new Dean last year, and he screwed things up, and made things look bad for me. Remember - I've got type-A, brilliant students, and they weren't happy.

So this year, I found out that my lecture wasn't booked into a room with Internet access and a video projector, which is highly necessary for my course. In fact, I requested it last October to the Dean and he hadn't followed up on it. So I contacted the Room Booking Assistant, and he e-mailed me back saying, "I'm sure there's no rooms available. Your course doesn't merit such technology."

For the last two years since the new Dean took over, the Room Booking Assistant has been difficult and unhelpful. I assume there must be conflict between the Dean and him. And the Room Booking Assistant is taking it out on me - making me look bad!

So I called the Room Booking Department (I went beyond the Assistant) and asked if there was a lecture room with Internet access and a video projector. After lots of cajoling, she agreed to check it out (it's the Assistant's job to do this) and found two rooms available. So I left a message with the Assistant, telling him, politely, that I over-rode his bureaucratic hierarchy, and that there are two rooms available.

This happened late on a Friday afternoon. I stewed about the situation. I was angry for being put in this situation again, the second year with the new Dean, and even asking beforehand for the kind of room I needed. I had had enough!

So I wrote an e-mail to the new Dean, saying stuff like, "I don't play politics well. I don't know what's going on between you and the Booking Assistant, but he's being unhelpful. Remember, I spent last year trying to find a room for my students for three weeks, without any help or resolution, and I paid for it." I went on and on, digging my own grave (in terms of my job) making my Dean look like a loser and an asshole. I just didn't care any more. "Fire me," I thought.

What makes this situation ironic is that I decided not to come back in September 2003 because I had such a nightmare in the Spring 2003. I didn't want to work with this new Dean, who was screwing up. So he hired someone else, then in mid-term, called me to come back and rescue the class. So I did, to great applombe from him and the students. Anyway, I wrote a viral e-mail to him, and realized that if he read it, he wouldn't hire me again.

So this is my brilliant rescue...I called the Dean at home on Sunday night and said, "I sent you an e-mail when I was very angry and triggered. It's not the type of e-mail you should read, or that anyone should read. After writing it, the next morning I felt differently. Would you please delete it from your mailbox, before reading it? I'd appreciate it immensely."

So, he did. He deleted it before reading it. He totally understood (He's sent me reactionary e-mails before, so I think he knew what I meant.)

Actually, he may have read it, because on Monday, the Room Booking Assistant sent me very sweet e-mails, thanking me for helping him with his job, and that he found me a new room.

Isn't that cool? I guess I got my own way, without getting fired.

Thanks be to God.

Do we really ever understand someone else?

It's 3:30am. I awoke from deep sleep with an insight.

I think it's difficult for me to understand other people because I have not lived their experiences. For example, with BC, with both had similarities in our childhoods: for example, we both were sensitive and had a difficult time with peers, being called "fag" at times and not feeling like we really fit in. But on the other hand, our childhood was extremely different. I had a strong family and felt very loved by them: whereas he had a terrible family life, grew up with an emotionally dependent single mother who leaned on him, and had an absent, alcoholic and womanizing father who was emotionally distant. I don't think I'll ever understand his experience and how it affected him.

I was treated by my family, peers and teachers as though I was very talented and bright. BC didn't do well in school, wasn't considered bright by his teachers and I doubt that his parents ever made him feel like he could be accomplished at things. While I had and still have my own lack of confidence, I realize now it is quite minimal compared to BC. I rarely feel intimidated by other people in any way, whereas BC I realize, with hindsight, often felt less than others. He would have anxiety attacks and never felt comfortable being himself with his co-workers. If he had to speak in a group, he literally would freeze.

I always admired BC because his skills were so different from mine. He knew how to fix cars, do carpentry, repair household appliances, be patient with others, and was capable of being methodical and consistent. I held his skills and abilities with high regard. I'm not very impressed with academic and worldly knowledge - having lived in that world for so long, I think most of it is hot air. I'm more impressed with someone who knows how to replace windshield wipers (I bought new ones five months ago but don't have a clue how to put them on) than I am with someone who has a Master's degree (I did that, have been there, and it means very little, other than you know how to play the academic game).

But perhaps in BC's mind, and in BC's world - everyone he grew up with, including his family were uneducated and it was taken for granted that you knew how to do carpentry and fix cars. It was as simple to him, as doing research and writing papers was for me. BC, I now realize, didn't value his ability to do blue-collar type work, as much as I did. He probably didn't realize how highly I valued his skills, because to him they were common.

It appeared that his mind worked a lot more slowly than mine at times, but I honestly think it was because he obsessed a lot about what other people thought of him at work. BC hid his anxiety, and it was only until you got to know him very well did you find out that this was going on in his mind. He had difficulty going to sleep and staying asleep because he went over and over his behaviour, his problems, how was he going to resolve this problem or that problem without getting anyone mad at him. I never bother to obsess about other people's feelings. I assume that people like me, are fine with me, unless they tell me directly otherwise. Even then, I don't take a lot of responsibility for other people's feelings about me unless I've done something obviously hurtful that is against my own value system. Then I apologize sincerely, do my best not to repeat it, and then I'm over it.

The other aspect that made BC seem 'slow' is it took him a while to figure out how he felt and thought about things. This made him very non-reactive, which is a positive quality, but it also made him very unclear about where he stood on issues. Because he cared so much about what other people thought of him, it made it difficult for him to disagree with others, or hold a different opinion for them, for fear of not being liked. If a transaction happened between him and someone else that upset him, he didn't realize it while it was happening. He would just feel confused. So he'd spend the next two days trying to figure out why he was feeling confused and anxious. Then he'd realize he was angry and spend the next few days trying to overcome his anger (internally), and trying to come up with the perfect plan, that wouldn't offend anyone, and would resolve the conflict. Finally - sometimes it would take a week, a month or a year - he would talk to the person about the situation in the kindest and gentlest manner possible, so that often the other person with whom he had the conflict didn't understand the depth of his feelings about the situation. And he received very little resolution.

On the other hand, I always know how I feel and stand on an issue. There is no lack of clarity. If I think that someone has stepped over my boundaries, been obviously unkind and it is important to me - I know right away. I've taught myself to try to think it over for a few hours at least to make sure I'm being as objective as I can be, and then I directly speak to the person. Most often, I tell that person right away that they have crossed my boundaries. If it's a situation that has happened once or twice, I usually am very calm and kind about the way I do this. But when it happens more than twice, then I'm not kind. I'm direct and don't mince words. If someone has been insensitive to me more than twice, I am not sensitive to their feelings. I don't care at this point if they're hurt or angry with me.

I realize I never truly understood BC. I have some insight now. A year later. I tried to support him, make him understand how I admired him, and valued his talents and skills. I listened to his feelings and cared about them. But I guess it doesn't matter. If he didn't value his own talents and skills or his feelings, how could appreciate that I did? On the other hand I probably didn't value his feelings and needs, because he wasn't able to express them to me clearly and directly. When he tried to tell me, it was often so long after the fact, that it didn't seem relevant any more. And BC was always conflicted and confused about how he felt and what he thought, and it took him so long to be able to figure it out. And by the time he did, his actions were hurtful to me.

He stayed with me so long because it took him so long to figure out how he felt about me. As I have written before, I was incredibly happy with him, we had great times together, there were so few conflicts and I had no idea there was anything wrong in our relationship. Then out of the blue, he broke up with me, using the excuse, "We're not having enough sex." He hid his whole thought process with me - he did it in his own head, until he awkwardly came to the conclusion that I wasn't right for him. In the meantime he was loving, present and generous.

I have some empathy for BC. But ultimately, do I like the way he handles things? Do I admire his obsessive concern with other people's feelings about him...which causes him internal confusion and anxiety...an inability to make decisions and be clear about where he stands?

No, I don't.

And to be honest, I don't have the patience to abide his process. My impatience mades me uncaring and unkind.

So, I guess this is what happened.

Is blogging dead?

See my last post regarding the above issue. I did a google search and found some comments from other bloggers on this issue. Interestingly, most of them were posted within the last few months. Here's a sample:

So, is the Blog dead? Well... no. The Blog will never die, just like reality TV.

is the blog dead? have we outgrown it? worked out our early-twenty-something growing pains in public, and are now busy with the details of the lives we've created? ever since i was a kid, i've had this narrator stuck in my head, this extra voice that put a quick spin on everything i was thinking, seeing, doing - the blog was just the first way i found of working that narrator out of my head and into a format where i don't just look like i'm mumbling to myself. so I'm not folding yet, anyway - i've just had a lot on my mind and it's been hard to focus my thoughts into anything coherent for a while.

Is the blog dead? I hope not. Maybe we could have it frozen like Ted Williams.

the blog may be dead...and the dolphins will be soon too if we keep forgetting to feed them.

Is blogging dead? So it's over now. Dan James thinks the Next Big Thing is cuisine.

In reply: Food is dead, too, Peter. Get with the times.

I hear rock-and-roll is dead too.

Man, I don't feel well for one afternoon and suddenly blogging is dead ;)

No longer being an exciting novelty and being 'dead' are not the same thing. People don't talk about how great the moving picture box is anymore, but only because it's been assimilated into our lives. One can't say that blogging hasn't been overhyped, so naturally there will be a bit of a deflation of interest. People don't call each other on the phone to talk about telephones, for blogging to mature, the main subject of discussion on the vast majority of higher-profile blogs needs to move beyond the art and practice of blogging itself.

"Is blogging dead?" Is it just my perception, or is there a real spate of bloggers deciding to quit or reduce their output? Is the blogging phenomenon over so quickly? Or is this just a pause that refreshes?

I think it's like any new fad...everyone jumps on the bandwagon at first, then a lot get tired of it once the "shine" wears off. That's sort of happened to me. I thought it was cool and wanted to try it. Now, I'm not into it so much and am not really sure why I'm doing it. I think I'll stick around, but I need to rethink stuff. Seems that's what a lot of people are doing.

Life circumstances, personally. When caught in the whirlwind of chaos...i tend not to write. It's also very difficult for me to find the private time to do so. Even though I love writing.

Hmmm... I get the feeling that there are greater and lesser "ebbs and flows". I think blogging is still alive, but we're at an ebb point.

What do you think?

Is the Blog Dead?

I've just checked through all my links to other bloggers and discovered how many are no longer operating, and how many are inactive. It feels a little sad...I was inactive for several months myself, and I'm sure many thought I had quit altogether. Perhaps some bloggers will come back at some time, yet others seem to have given up altogether.

After the initial enthusiasm of blogging (which lasts several months for most) many bloggers lose the energy they received from writing it. The enthusiasm comes from the pleasure of keeping a journal, having your journal read by anonymous others, and you feel like you become part of a community of bloggers - some of who you hear from, keep in touch and perhaps even meet. But once the novelty wanes and you no longer hear from other bloggers, the original impetus - that of keeping a journal - is lost for some.

Some of my favourite bloggers have ended their blog, and others have become inactive. I can only hope that they will return and that there are new bloggers of interest to take their place.

One of my new favourites is cunegonde. He's a chef. I love reading about his cooking endeavours - it's like 'watching' food tv, but in blog form.

I admit, my own blog has not been very interesting lately. At first, I got off on writing stories, talking about my sex life and other scintillating tales. Lately, I haven't had sex, haven't been interested in it and so a lot of material has dried up. My interest will come back again, once spring arrives. It ebbs and flows like the seasons.

But I wonder...is the blog dead? Was it just a trend, a phase - one which has withered into obscurity, along with the scooter? Has it had its heyday? Even some of the first bloggers who initiated blogging as an artform have folded up their blogsites, with philosophical goodbyes, or some without nary a "see ya later."

For now, I'll enjoy blogging, simply as a journal, one that is archived and doesn't take up my own computer space, so I can look back and remember all that has happened before.

Wow, I had a major hissy fit today. I probably lost a lucrative and prestigious job as a result. But...it's worth it, for the moral value. Isn't it?

How can I explain to you the situation in simple terms, so that you can understand it, without giving away details? I'm not sure. I'll try my best.

Well, I don't think I can at the moment, unless I give away everything. So I'll wait until tomorrow to describe the sordid situation to you. In the meantime...

Here are the answers to the Blog Grammar Quiz:

ANSWERS

1. You are standing among a group of ninth graders.
WHY? Use between only when you are talking about 2 things; use among when you are talking about more than 2 things.

2. I think that hamburger was cooked badly.
WHY? Badly is an adverb to describe cooked. Bad is an adjective and it cannot modify a verb.

3. May I go over to David's house, Mom?
WHY? Use may when you are indicating permission; can refers to having the ability to do something.

4. Hawaii is much farther away than I thought!
WHY? Use farther to indicate a measurable distance; further refers to a greater degree, extent or quantity, or it can mean "in addition to."

5. Can you believe the number of people in this elevator?
WHY? Always use number if you can count the items. Use amount for bulk items such as sand or water.

6. Please don't burst that balloon in here!
WHY? The word bust is colloquial and does not belong in standard English. By the way, the past tense of burst is burst.

7. Your jeans are different from mine; they're baggy!
WHY? The preferred form in standard English is different from.

8. For a beginner, you really drive well.
WHY? Well is an adverb, modifying the verb drive. Good is an adjective and cannot modify a verb.

9. That chameleon is shedding its skin all over the place.
WHY? Its is the possessive form of it. It's represents IT IS. Be careful on this one! You'll see it misused everywhere!

10. I need to lie down until this headache is better.
WHY? The verb lie means to recline. The verb lay means to set something down somewhere. The past tense of lie is lay. (Yesterday, I lay down for an hour until my headache was better.) The past tense of lay is laid. (I laid the money on the counter.) This is one of the most common mistakes we see in usage.

11. The reason a mushroom is a good date is that he is a fungi.
WHY? Simple. The reason is that the word because is never used in this context in proper English speech or writing. NEVER! When you say, "The reason is ... " you are already implying the word "because."

12. Mary is the girl who helped me study for that test.
WHY? Use who or whom when referring to people. Save that for inanimate objects.

13. I make sure I floss my teeth every day.
WHY? The difference between "everyday" and every day" is subtle, but here it is:
"Everyday" implies "ordinary" or "routine," as in "Rain became an everyday event while I was on vacation." Another example would be: "Riding my bike is an everyday exercise for me." As you can see, it is used as an adjective.

"Every day," on the other hand, suggests "each and every SINGLE day." Example: I make sure I floss my teeth every day." Or -- "Every day I walk the dog to the park and back." Here the words are used collectively as an adverb, telling "when."

Grammar Quiz

Just a few comments before I give you my blogger grammar quiz.

I taught tonight. It was fun and my students are brilliant. There's no one who I find really attractive though - except for a 21 year old Brazilian guy. But then aren't Brazilian guys always f-ing hot? I probably find him attractive, simply because he's Brazilian and speaks Portuguese. Maybe it's because I've watched too many Kristian Bjorn porno videos so my objectivity is deluded. But so many Brazilian men seem to have an inborn sexiness, a comfortableness with their own body and an engaging flirtatious charisma. Brazilian men have an odd dichotomy - they flirt with men, but are also macho and homophobic. They're willing to play with guys, but only so far. Yum.

On the FoodTv channel, I saw an episode in which the chef went to Brazil and took viewers on a food-tasting trip. Most of the food looked revolting. I wouldn't be able to eat most of it - whole baby fish with all their body parts dipped in flour then deep fried. Disgusting soups made of unidentifiable animal parts, including organ meats and brain matter. Yeck. But all the men from Brazil looked hot!

Anyway, here's the Gramma Quiz. Answers will appear tomorrow.

Select the correct word to use in each sentence:

1. You are standing (between, among) a group of ninth graders.
2. I think that hamburger was cooked (bad, badly).
3. (Can, may) I go over to David's house, Mom?
4. Hawaii is much (farther, further) away than I thought!
5. Can you believe the (amount, number) of people in this elevator?
6. Please don't (burst, bust) that balloon in here!
7. Your jeans are (different than, different from) mine; they're baggy!
8. For a beginner, you drive really (good, well.)
9. That chameleon is shedding (its, it's) skin all over the place.
10. I need to (lie, lay) down until this headache is better.
11. The reason a mushroom is a good date is (because, that) he is a fungi.
12. Mary is the girl (that, who) helped me study for that test.
13. I make sure I floss my teeth (everyday, every day).

On Singing

I've watched the new American Idol auditions for the last three evenings. It's hilarious. I've never watched them before. I can't believe who attempts to audition - haven't they ever recorded themselves on tape and listened to themselves? I think they must be desperate for their 2 minutes of fame, no matter how they embarrass themselves and look like fools.

I've had friends who were tone deaf and thought they were good singers. That is a very tricky situation to find oneself in. Their singing is almost painful, but they look like they're enjoying themselves so much, and you don't want to hurt them by saying, "You two sound like dogs howling at the moon."

I decided to lend them my kareoke machine so they could sing on tape and listen to themselves. It worked. They were shocked at how horrible they sounded, and never uttered a single note again.

I do feel for them - I am empathetic. This is why....

When I was a child I sang in the choir, like all good Lutherans. I believe I had a good voice - I was very loud, and everyone complimented me on my singing voice. My mom and dad always said with a big proud smile, "We heard you in choir and you sounded wonderful!"

In grade 5 (or was it 6?) our singing teacher had us sing "I'm leaving, on a jet plane..." I remember singing loudly and beautifully, with just the right vibrato at the right points. Then the asshole who was my classmate said to me, "You sound like a girl." That shut me up for the next several years.

Then at age 11 or 12 my voice changed, and I became tone deaf. It didn't help that didn't bother practicing. But I didn't give up hope, and decided to learn how to sing again. I've taken singing lessons from about four different teachers. None of them were good, except for my last teacher, who taught me about breathing and how sound is related to the chakras.

She helped me to become aware that each tone reverberates with your chakras - all 7 of them, and if you pay attention, and breathe deeply from your hara (the middle of your belly) and send the breath up your spine, make a sound - you know you're making exactly the right sound when you can feel it reverberating within your chakra. So after a year of practice, I finally became tone perfect. The other thing I worked on was how to shape my mouth in order to create the right vowel. This too takes a lot of practice. There are certain ways to shape your mouth and tongue in order to make an "a, e, i, or u." It's a little unnatural, but when you shape everything right, the sound that comes out is crystal clear.

Then I also worked at singing from my belly - the hara. Imagine that there is a central point within your lower belly. Imagine that all breath is inhaled from this point. When you connect with this point, then you feel the song. You experience the emotions. Then the emotions must be expressed through your 7 chakras, by breathing up your spine. I know it sounds a little complicated, but only this singing teacher manager to get a beautiful sound out of me. It really works for me.

I think I'm a good singer. Here are some nice moments.

When I was taking acting lessons, we had a class where the students could do anything they wanted - bring in a monologue, sing, or do a movement piece. So I decided to sing a song by Barbra Streisand (okay, yes, I know what you're thinking) called "Some Enchanted Evening." I was so nervous - I've got major stage fright singing in front of other people, but I thought I should do it to get over the fear. At the end of the song, about 50% of the audience were crying (I think it was because the song was emotionally moving - at least I hope so). That make me feel good. Also, where the song gets loud and passionate, I actually saw everyone in the audience move back, as though my voice had hit them in the face. One woman said, "I must have you sing at my wedding."

Another good moment was when I auditioned for a singing group called, International Gospel Group. It's a well regarded group here. At the audition, there was a pianist and a director. She had me sing some notes that the pianist played, first, and she said, "Wow, you ring with the notes." I could actually hear my voice resonate with each chord of the piano. It even blew me away. The director appeared quite fascinated with my voice.

Then I sang (believe it or not) Madonna's "The power of goodbye." It was a new song at the time, so not highly recognized. When I finished the song, the auditioners outside clapped and cheered and hollered. She asked me who the song was by, and I said, "Madonna." Her jaw dropped. She didn't know what to say. But she loved it. I did get accepted into the group, but after attending two rehearsals, I realized I wasn't ready to commit my time to the group.

I've also auditioned for musicals, for which I got accepted. I didn't go through with them for a variety of reasons. One audition was in a dance studio, with loud music blaring away in the next room, and I actually sung above the noise. Another one...I had to audition after a brilliant male vocalist, who used lots of vibrato and stuff - I was totally intimated, but they told him "no" because he was too stylized. They disliked his vibrato. I sang without one. So I got to do the second audition where we danced. Anyway, I couldn't do it after all, because it interfered with my work.

So that's my sad career as a singer. A psychic once told me that I was a famous singer in my last life. So perhaps it's not to happen in this life.

*Sigh.* I'm a pathetic gay guy right now. Still trying to get over an ex, even though it's a year ago, or more. Some of us gay guys take a long time to get over an ex. Others, take no time at all. I'm not one of them. I've had two major dreams about BC in the last month. Perhaps because it's our "anniversary."

The first was a simple dream. I saw his 6'2" body cuddled up against mine, face to face, naked. I felt his warmth; his long legs kneeled against my body; his hairy chest pressed against my hairless chest. He was nuzzled into me, totally comfortable and entirely connected to me. You know that look - comfy, intimate, sexy - he had that. I felt his soul. Then I woke up and realized it was a long time ago. Over a year. So I spilled a tear or two, in the middle of the night. Tried to forget, and go back to sleep.

*Sad.* Isn't it?

Then I had another dream in which we were *buddies.* The details escape me. But we did our escapes to the Gulf Islands, in bed and breakfast inns, waking up together, sharing our day together, joking with each other in those private but significant ways. Feeling like buddies. Gosh, gee, it felt great!

So I woke up, felt all those deep memories of being buddy-boys, then after a few minutes of revelling in those feelings, told the feelings to fuck off - once I realized how sentimental I was being in my dream.

He's gone. He's passed on. I need to move on. It's over! I'm glad it's over. He wasn't what I needed. My intellect turns on. It's odd, isn't it, how the heart and the head are in conflict... I wish they were more in congruence. But I told myself, I don't want more dreams like this.

Maybe my dreams are a reminder of what I can have with a man. With someone who does love me.

It's hard to love someone, who doesn't love you back.

I've been so busy with work, doing urgent, last minute freelance jobs. It's fun though, but after a lazy Christmas holiday I'm unused to such a frenetic pace. I'm doing work now for a big U.S. company, which is great for my resume.

I did have time to watch Donald Trump's reality tv show "The Assistant." It seems like a good concept. On tonight's show, the winner of two teams (the women's team, not the men's team) got to see Donald Trump's apartment in the Trump Tower. My gosh, does he ever need a Queer Eye Makeover for his apartment! It proves that money doesn't buy taste. It's the epitome of 80s excess and Neo-Rococco decoration. It's all gold, marble and faux Greek statues. Apparently Yvonna designed everything. And Donald Trump's haircut...'nice' comb-over job, man.

I read Toddo's comments about wanting to live in a large urban city, where there are policy makers and things happen. I used to think I wanted that, when I was in my 20s, but my opinion has changed immensely. I've been to New York City once, but I wouldn't want to go again. Especially after watching "The Assistant." Even Vancouver is getting a little too big for me. I love the West Coast lifestyle. It's more layed-back, less fast-paced and fortunately the city doesn't overwhelm nature. I can't be without the mountains, oceans and cedar forests. I still have a fantasy of moving to San Diego. Or some other beautiful community on the West Coast, other than LA or San Francisco.

Remember the roommate I had? The guy who just moved from Australia? Who I thought was cute? Well, he turned out to be very un-cute. After a month or so, I realized he was fairly homophobic. He thought he was gay-friendly, based on the fact that he had a gay roommate in Australia. But I found out, eventually, that his gay roommate wasn't out.

His roommate had just realized he was gay in the year before, after being militantly heterosexual the rest of his life. So he didn't hang out with other gay people, didn't understand gay life, didn't exhibit any typical gay culture or characteristics and didn't understand anything about being gay, other than he liked to suck dick. So my un-cute roommate thought this is what gay people are like.

I'd have to say I'm fairly conservative, overall, and wouldn't do anything to intimidate a heterosexual, but in comparison to his last roommate, I'm a flaming queen. For instance, when Joe Millionaire was on tv, I decided to download the Fox image of David Smith, in a cowboy hat, shirtless, as a screensaver on my desktop. This freaked my roommate out, he became red-faced and uncomfortable, and defensively said, "Yeah, I should download a screensaver of Bionce on my computer." He always felt the need to defend his heterosexuality if there was any hint of my gayness.

We also had a couple of arguments over sexuality issues. He didn't believe me when I told him that there were many straight-identified men who had gay sex, occassionally. He argued passionately against this, almost in fear. He has a very fixed, one-point perspective about life, which is based on his own straight and very sheltered life.

I also found him to be very opinionated about design and a variety of other things which he simply doesn't have the education or life experience on which to base any opinions. And yet he had a snottiness to his opinions. Very unattractive.

It was odd, because it appeared on the outside that he was open-minded, easy-going and comfortable in his skin and sexuality. But once he was confronted with anything outside his comfort zone, he had a hard time maintaining his pretenses.

He left in December, and I've been living on my own for the last couple months. I should try to find a new roommate for February to help with bills. Having a roommate, I'm discovering, is very difficult. It's hard to find the right combination of personalities. My first roommate, Ahmed, from Scotland, was perfect. He was all about having a good time, being positive, getting along with people, partying, making good friends and enjoying hiimself. And spending a lot of time at school. My second roommate turned out to be bizarre, and my third, Mr. Un-Cute, quite unpleasant. So, I'm not sure if I need a gay roommate (this has its own problems) or a gay-friendly roommate (also more potential problems). I guess it involves experimentation and experience. In my life I've also been a roommate, and had a couple of good experiences, but mostly they were difficult and very temporary.

So, we'll see.

Chemistry between two guys just happens. There's no scientific reason for it. It just is. I felt chemistry with this guy, the first time I saw him, about one year ago.

Yesterday I went to my favourite deli, just across the streeet, to get some grub. I bought Vegetarian Lasagna, and Shepherd's Pie. When I got home, I ate the Lasagna, but I tried a bite of the Shepherd's Pie and it was way too salty. I like salty things (he-he) but this way over the top salty, and couldn't eat it. I saved it, and decided to bring it back the next day, to trade it for something else.

So today I went to my bistro, to return the overly-salty Shepherd's Pie, and the guy was there. The guy I'd seen about a year ago. He's very cute, very young...he reminds me entirely of Tobey McGuire. Now, normally I wouldn't be attracted to a guy of this type, but there's always been "energy" between us, whenever we've spoken. I said hello to him, and told him of my complaint. So he offered me some other deli food. I said, "I haven't seen you in a while." Tobey said, "I was away for six months while going to school, and just came back to work." I said, "Oh, where are you going to school, UBC?" Tobey said, "No, I'm going to ______."

"No way, I teach at _______. What are you studying?" I asked.

"I'm taking computer science."

Anyway, there was a lot of sexual tension during this interchange. I've never had a boyfriend younger than me, but maybe it's time... especially since I've turned 39. I'm not even sure why I'm attracted to him. He's not muscular, not a gym bod. But he's got the sweetest, most innocent, natural and open face/body that I've seen in a long time. He must be 21. I surmise this because only at his age can you look that sweet, open and innocent. There's also something deep about him. He's has depth in his emotions. The combination is what attracts me to him. Anyway, that's what happened tonight. I'm not sure what I'll do.

Am I old enough to play daddy or something? Is that's what happening?

Maybe.

I don't know. Maybe it's just self-pity.
On my birthday, today, I've only received one acknowledgement - a phone call from my oldest sister. I also have two parents and two other sisters. Plus a 'wife' and supposedly other close friends. But no one has called me, emailed me, mailed me, to acknowledge this. Is this part of growing older, or just the fact that no one cares about me?

Oops, the phone is ringing, hold on...

What I'm thinking of, at the moment, are the times that were significant and important to me in my life, with past ex-lovers. They have depth and meaning. But I guess they don't with them/him.

It was my oldest sister calling me again. She seems to remember.

I have so many wonderful, important memories with ex-lovers. But none of them seem to share these memories. Why are they so important to me, and not to them? That's a question I can't answer. Unless my ex-lovers were so far more important to me, than me to them. There's so many to mention. That means I'm such an ultimate loser.

Actually, that's the conclusion I'm coming to. I must be such a big loser. Because none of my ex-lovers has ever contacted me to say I was so important to them. While they were very important to me, and I hang onto our memories, none of my ex-lovers has ever contacted me to say how important I was to them.

That's the brutal truth.

Bye. Happy birthday to me.

I've been a very bad instructor. Well, maybe not... why don't you decide?

I decided to take off this term from teaching the full-time course. Instead, I decided to teach only two evening, part-time classes. This is because I didn't feel appreciated from my new Assistant Dean, who is in charge of the full-time classes. AD (Assistant Dean) took on the job last year, and has been on everyone's ass, asking all the instructors to do things according to policy. He has no previous experience being a teacher. He has no idea what we go through. After teaching for four years, I found that the whole department suffered from AD's military-type demands, and all of us were on each other's asses, trying to find fault with everyone else. I don't like this. It was no longer a positive atmosphere to work in.

So, I told AD that I would take a sabbatical. I didn't like AD, and I didn't feel appreciated by him. AD hired someone else to do my job. As it turned out, he hired a person he had worked with before, who hadn't even applied for the job, but AD encouraged him to apply for it.

This new guy turned out to be a major flake. He had no skills, either in teaching, or his profession. On the first day of class, the new guy had a panic attack while facing 64 students. He left the classroom and found another instructor who hand-held him back to class.

The new guy/instructor had little experience in the profession, so his notes, his lack of back-up material and his teaching ability was so bad, that all the students rose up against him, after the mid-term exam, and insisted that the department fire him, and get someone else. That's how bad he was.

I was told by students that he gave no handouts, no overhead examples, and often got so frustrated that he'd leave the two hour lecture or lab for an hour because he was so frustrated. He'd freak out, leave the class, and leave them on their own. He also came onto female students a lot.

So the AD who disrespected me the term before, gave me a call, and asked me to come back and "save the term." He offered to pay me an extra month in advance. He totally sucked up to me, and ate his shit. I agreed, so now I had 64 new students, in addition to my 35 evening students, making it a total of 99 students.

This means I have 99 new projects to mark. I had to grade 99 Project 1's, 99 Project 2's, and 64 new final exams. Unfortunately, none of them are multiple choice, so I have to go through each one, give comments, make judgements, and give marks.

After marking 64 Project 1's, 64 Project 2's and 64 final exams, I was exhausted. Yet I still had to mark 35 Project 2's. So I avoided doing these until after Christmas and New Years. I just couldn't face doing more marking. I needed a break.

So I've spent the last three days finishing up my marks, after students started emailing me for the past three weeks, asking me where their projects were and what their finals marks are. I managed to get them all done in three days, but it was tiring and exhausting. Students can be very irritating. I'd get up at 5:30am to mark projects.

Anyway, I did get them mostly done, although there are still 7 outstanding Project 2's. I had to call them all, or e-mail them, and I told them they'd have until the end of January to hand it in before I give them a failing mark.

Fuck! I'd rather be a student. It's much easier.

I thought I'd give you an instructor's version of events.

It's been so long since I've blogged that I keep forgetting how to sign in, and what my user name and password is. So it took me about 10 minutes to figure it out! I must do this more regularly.

I was inspired to do some more writing after coming across ShaneXtopher's site, which was mentioned by thecorky.com. It's an "improv message board" and contains the most brilliant blog called, "See how much ass I get?" Here's the URL: http://www.improvisation.ws/mb/showthread.php?t=15051&page=1&pp=20 (sorry, I'm too out of practice to create a link.) It's witty, insightful, sexy, funny and touching. I highly recommend it. I wish ShaneXtopher was doing more writing... does anyone know if he has his own blog now that's he's done with the Improv Message Board?

I'm thrilled to see that Cool Relax is back online writing...although it's under sad circumstances. My writer friend, P., told me that most people start writing journals once their relationship has ended. She's actually ending her own relationship (I think, unless she changes her mind for the 10th time).

P. has been seeing this sexy, handsome, brilliant university professional, who's about 6'5", charismatic and has a house in West Vancouver right on the water for the last two years. He teaches the psychology of criminology. Unfortunately after all this time and emotional investment, it's not really working out. He's lovely, giving, sweet, affectionate, and gives her lots of attention, but simultaneously he's one of those guys that with his charm always gets his way, and then acts surprised and hurt when you suggest that he hasn't been thoughtful about you. Yes, he serves her breakfast in bed, and they have awesome sex - but when it comes to anything important to my friend P., such as her writing, her career, her schedule and time needs - it goes in one ear and out the other.

He's one of those guys with thousands of friends. He loves socializing with anyone. He's friendly and outgoing. He's connected with a huge range of important people. (He's Gemini.) He's completely non-reactive (at least outwardly), never gets angry, touchy or displays anything but genuine concern. But while he says all the right things, reacts properly in the moment, he doesn't follow through with P.'s simple requests. He's always calling her, asking her to come over to his house, but never offers to visit her at her apartment in Vancouver (it's a long drive to get to his West Vancouver home). My friend P. teaches at a fancy private school, and if she stays at his place, has to get up an hour and a half earlier in order to get to work on time, whereas if he occassionally offered to stay at her apartment, she'd only have to drive 20 minutes. I know this sounds stupid, but it can be exhausting after two years.

P. has just finished writing a novel, and gave it to the professor to read it. But when she talks about it later, he can't remember what he's read. He just gives her pleasant banter about it. Meanwhile P., heavily edits all his papers and articles and research thingys, remembers every detail, is helping his career, while he can't seem to offer her the same attention.

That's because his attention is spread everywhere, with everyone. It's because he's "such a nice guy" that he's always thinking about everyone's needs, and doesn't have any special attention for P.

The professor has tons of dinner parties and get-togethers, and P. always acts like the penultimate hostess at them. She's beginning to feel like a pretty little thing who hosts parties, is available for sex, and providing career advancement, while she's not getting anything substantial from the relationship. Sure, she could marry him and live the life of "Riley" in a beautiful million dollar ocean front home, share tons of assets (he's good at investments), meet fabulous, talented and famous people while hosting his chic dinner parties. But P. is more than a pretty face. She's as talented and important as him, and doesn't feel appreciated for anything other than her perfect looks and wonderful social ability. Also her assumed availability.

I guess I relate to her situation, because this situation is far too familiar to me, in some aspects. BC somehow always managed to get his way - not by being confrontational (like myself), but by acting so sweet and non-reactive and so shockingly surprised when I was unhappy with him, that I felt like I was the 'shit.' I always ended up feeling guilty, because I would be angry when he did something "unthoughtful" yet BC was never angry in return. He always looked and acted innocent.

For example, he was always at least 30 - 60 minutes late. I'd be waiting to meet him somewhere and end up waiting a long time. Or BC would invite me over, then when I came over to his place (after organizing my evening to be on time, making sure I had my work done, finished dinner, laundry or whatever) he'd be in the middle of renovating his kitchen, or making dinner or doing his laundry. Somehow I always ended up waiting for him to be finished his chores. And he was S-L-O-W at accomplishing things, because he's a perfectionist and talks non-stop while doing them. And being the sweet person that I am, I'd end up helping to clean his house, fold his laundry, fry the oriental vegetables or clean his dirty dishes. Help him install new kitchen cabinets. I did this so he could finally take a shower, shave and do his hair (which took forever!). I can get ready in 10 minutes - that means a shower, shave, hair gel and comb, and get dressed. It would take him 50 minutes to shower and get dressed. By the time he's done, I'm irritated, it's two or more hours later, and I just feel like I've wasted my entire evening. Does anyone relate, or am I just being a 'shit?'

Thanks for inviting me over to help you out with your life! Did BC ever help me clean my house, do my laundry (okay, he once bleached a few items), help me with renovations (okay, he did a bit), help me make dinner (no), help me with my career (no, but I helped him a lot). But these were once or twice in a year, while it seemed like I did this for him several times a week. And he did nothing to improve my intellectual ability. Wow, what a bitch-fest this is turning out to be.

My point is...I think it's important that a relationship is based on PARTNERSHIP. It's not about one person helping the other more than the other. Keep in mind that BC was bi-sexual. Meaning, he had lots of straight attitudes about partners (i.e. women). Women are subservient to the overall importance of his life. Women don't have a life - they're here to serve the man. Not that I'd call myself a woman, but this is his understanding of relationships, and they don't work well when being with another man. P. has been feeling this way with the professor.

I want equality in a relationship. Perhaps this sounds very 60s, bra-burning and feminist. Very un-Dr. Laura. But heck, I'm a man too, and so are you, and we need to be partners.

P., too, is very enlightened, and not interested in being a president's wife, if you know what I mean.

Are relationships based on domination and submission? Are they ever equal? Should P. and I shuddup, be submissive, then divorce a few years later and get 50% of assets (remember, I am Canadian and can get married), then go on to fulfilling ourselves on our own?

Should we learn to be dominant?

By the way, my birthday is on January 9th. Capricorn. Let me just say this brings up a lot of negative memories. Why don't I share them with you? BC gave me a horrible birthday card the first year, that showed a cartoon of some male ass, pushed out on the front cover, and said something about "taking it." I was totally insulted and disgusted, and ripped it up in his face, and told him never to give me a card like that again. So in the second year, he decided to totally ignore my birthday. No cards, no gift, no celebration.

Also, since I'm on a "fuck-you" kind of track, my previous lover David, decided to go away on my birthday. He was out of town, but "promised" to be back in time to take me out for dinner. I said to him, "Are you sure you'll be back in time? Otherwise, I'll make other plans with friends." David said, "Yes, definitely, don't worry." So it is January 9th, at 9pm, I'm waiting in my apartment for him to call and he hasn't. Then it is 1am and he still hasn't called. I'm sitting at home, waiting. The next day he calls and "apologizes" - he said his plane was late and wasn't able to call.

Well, fuck-you Dave.

Intertextual

Happy holidays and new year!
It's been a long time since I've posted. But over the holidays, I checked out my favourite sites and have caught up on what's been happening with my buddies.

I didn't give up on blogging. Instead I took a break. Unlike Coolrelax, I'm not willing to end the whole blogging experience. I know many guys consider ending the journal thing. But when I need to break, I'll do it. It doesn't mean that I'll never be back.

So it is a new year, and I need to write about what I've learned, and what will be different in the coming year. There's so many things that need to change.

I went to an astrologer four years ago, who's very well regarded, here in British Columbia, Canada, who told me I would meet my long term partner when I turned 39. I will turn 39 on January 9th. I'm not worried about it. I know I look amazing for my age. But I would like to meet a nice guy. It's funny - I've become more practical about what I'm looking for in a guy. Sure, I'd like him to be handsome, perhaps a big dick, or even willing to sing Mr. Grinch karaoke-style to me. But instead of super-hot-sex, I'd like a guy who's willing to be with me over the years, we'll take care of each other, through illness and health, and help me to manage my money better. I guess that's what happens with age.

Over this next year, 2004, I will...

Redecorate my beautiful home.
Keep my beautiful home (even though it's very expensive)
Continue teaching.
Continuing getting new contracts.
Work out regularly.
Eat properly.
Maintain balance.
Travel to Europe.
Get Restalyne on my lips.
Buy a new Mac.
Discover new levels of fitness.
Create at least one new revelation in my personality and life.

Well, I've written it, so I need to keep my promise of my new years.

Ciao.

How to suck dick

Question: I'm new...what's this technique that B.C. taught you!!!??


Answer:

Hi Brent - thanks for your note. What do you mean "you're new?" You're new to being gay, or you're a new blogger? I've been checking out your blog, and enjoying it! I love all the pictures.

Well, maybe the technique isn't all that new, but it was new to me when BC taught me...even though I'd been gay for 20 years. Part of the technique is that I got used to sucking such a huge dick. At first, I couldn't do much with it - but after lots of practice, I was able to manage it just fine, without gagging.

The main aspects are using variety: go down slow, enveloping every inch with your mouth and tongue, then flick your tongue on the underside of the dick head, where the skin attaches to the head, and suck occasionally (creating a vacuum) Always keep your partner on edge, so he can't predict what you're going to do next. Go fast and furious one minute, then slow the next. Flicker his underside while sucking, then go down slowly and deeply. The other thing that really works is ... once he's really hard, push your throat down on his dick repeatedly, then slowly move up and let your tongue flicker the underside, then forcefully push down on his dick, letting your throat hit swallow his dick hard.

It's rather hard to explain - I'd rather show you. So the next time you're in Vancouver.... he he.

Let me know if this is new information or not. It could simply be my own naivete.

'fess up time:
I've been such a slut. I don't know what's gotten into me. Except for lots of dick.

20 minutes ago, I met a guy online at www.squirt.com. For some reason I can't use gay.com on my Mac. Anyway, he wanted his big, uncut dick sucked. I wanted to suck a nice big, uncut dick. Except my straight roommate is home, so I suggested we meet in my garage. He was into it.

So I'm standing outside my garage at 5pm, and he walks up. A hot, 6' tall, 32 year old, short brown hair and eyes, sexy, and I take us into the garage. He asked me to bring poppers. So he undoes his jeans, and I start feeling around his crotch, and he's already hard. He's wearing very sexy cotton boxers with a blue and red and grey stripe thing going on. I pull out his already hard dick, and it's nice! It's about 8" I'd say, uncut, and just groaning for attention.

I give "Alex" the poppers, which he inhales, and his cock just points my way. So I do my cock sucking technique that I learned from "BC" and he's groaning away, and actually comes in about three minutes! The whole event must have taken 8 minutes.

It's so strange...you can suck a guy's cock (which I think is supposed to be a personal thing), who comes, you don't know him from Adam, you have your mouth around his cock, your hands on his butt and chest, and then he walks away after thanking you.

But that's not all I've been up to... I know I'm going to turn off a lot of my readers by telling you this, but oh well.

There's a local escort in town who I've seen on rentboy.com, who I've always wanted to have sex with - he seems so hot in his pictures, and his reviews are amazing. So, I had an extra $300 and decided to call him last night. Holy fuck! What an amazing time I had.

My roommate had decided to go to a couple movies, so he was not home, thank goodness. I think he knew something was up, when I bought some wine, and made a plate of garlic artichoke dip with green pea crackers, and he decided to get the hell out of here. "Will" showed up here at about 7pm. He was wearing all BodyWear clothes (my favourite) - a pseudo military sleeveless shirt that was shiny and tight, and some hot black pants. This guy was out of this world. He too was already hard when I began playing with his crotch, and wanted to get into action immediately.

I tried to slow him down with some wine and dip. Also, he has a huge 9-10" cock - which you probably already know I really like. He was "blown away" by my cocksucking skills, which again, I must thank "BC" for. His body was flawless - smooth, beautiful skin, incredible butt. I think he was really enjoying himself - he decided he wanted me to fuck him with a black dildo. I've never done that to someone before, but his butt was so awesome, and his crack so tantillizing - I did. I teased him with it at first, you know, tickling his butt, then sticking it in so it starts to go in, then I pulled it out. Then I'd stick it in all the way - he loved it when I forcefully stuck it in all the way very hard. Like pressing! Anyway, he spent 3 hours with me, but only charged me for 1.5 hours. And we may have a business deal going, so I'll get to spend more time with him. He's very handsome and oddly enough, my age (38).

I also had another stranger I met online fuck me, suck my cock, and I sucked his in my garage. Oddly enough, our cocks looked identical - we're both the same size and uncut. I felt like I was doing autofellatio. Anyway, it was hot, and he was so into fucking me that he came in my butt (with a condom on, of course). All the time I was worried that the woman who shares my garage might come in.

Anyway, that's all for now.

I just finished the most delicious albacore tuna sandwich. It was on sprouted gains and honey health bread, buttered with non-GMO, organic, cold pressed oil margarine, with fresh tomatoes and sprouts. Yum! My dinner. And I made it.

I have a new roommate. The last guy didn't work out. Although he was interesting, he was too interesting. I discovered that he was very moody, opinionated, negative. It started to get to me. He also suffers from SAD, so I can't imagine spending a winter with him in Vancouver in my house. If he was this bad, during two months of non-rain, I can't imagine living with him over the winter during months of cloud. So, we parted ways.

I have a new roommate who's very cool. I have a bit of a crush on him. He's 37 - I thought he was 28. He just came back from Australia where he studied Flash, animation, Adobe Golive and so on, so he's very talented. Originally from Toronto, Canada. He's straight. I realized that I prefer living with straight guys - they're so much easier to get along with than women and gay men!!! Gay men tend to be so "special" or "touchy." The other positive thing about a gay man living with a straight man is that there's no sexual tension - or at least very little, and I'm wise enough to know that nothing will happen between us. So I don't look at him like a sexual object, someone to seduce.

Well... mostly that's true. Unfortunately he is 6'3", blond, blue eyed, gorgeous, sexy, with HUGE feet and hands, a soft blond hairy chest, dreamy eyes, clever, honest, cuddly and Aquarius. And walks around in his shorts and no shirt. And the first thing he does when he gets up in the morning is takes a shower (I love that! I have to have coffee first). And he picked up an Australian accent after living there for four years. And he also spent most of his life travelling and working as a hiking guide in the tourist industry. Plus he's very gay-positive and teases me in a nice way. Plus we have a lot in common, being in similar industries. Plus he seems to be a combination of BC and Les, my two ex-partners. But I hope I'm wise enough to not become infatuated with him. Actually, I'm sure that's not a possibility. It's just nice to be around real guy-energy for a change, instead of that gay guy energy, which isn't as sweet. I'm kind of down on gay guys right now.

So, I'd better go. He rented a movie. We're going to watch it together!

My last "conversation"
Here's my email with BC, how we ended our relationship. I know it should be old history, but I'm still recovering from it.Even though I've been fucking with another guy, we don't have the same connection as I had with BC. So this blog is for historical remembrance. I'm back online.
__________________________

Hi BC:
I don't know if you're checking your email, but just in case.

I want you to know how difficult it has been for me - not contacting you. But I know it's for the best. Some days it's easy. Other moments, during my day, it has been very hard. I guess that's the way grief works. Sometimes I feel light-hearted. Other times I feel like a dagger has been put in my heart. These are hard times I cry, deeply. Grief is an odd experience. It's unpredictable. It simply needs to be experienced head-on, and gotten through.

There's so many memories to process and come to terms with. Many times, you're in my dreams. But always, you're distant, not quite available - even in my dreams. Somehow in my dreams, you're there, I love seeing you, but there's always some distance between you and me. I'm not allowed to touch you, or show you my affection. Although I love seeing you in my dreams, you're never available. Or another way of saying that is you're not committed. So even my dreams tell the truth. It's a strange combination of loving your presence, but never being allowed to be with you.

I remember odd moments. Shaving the hairs on your back and neck . Or perhaps plucking them. Tickling you to sleep - making your goosehairs stand up on end. How you walk around in your underwear. I remember all your underwear - the "tightey-whiteys" and the boxers. Or none at all. Watching you fix your hair in the morning (I loved that). Being upset with me when I lick my hand to push some hairs down. Feeling intimate enough to "pick your pimples," or scratch them away at night before going to bed. You were intimate with me enough to do that to me. And still love me. Even though I have pimples.

Other odd things. How many times you gave me things. Your dishes. I think of you every time I put them away from the dishwasher. Your popcorn popper. I think of you when I make popcorn while watching a movie. Clothing. I can't even remember all the clothing you gave me. You showed me how to change my windshield wipers. How to add fluid to my windshield wipers, add oil to different things and how to inflate my tires. Very practical things that my dad never taught me. I miss these things. About you.

And washing our cars together. I miss the simple things. It's not the trips to Maui, or to bed and breakfasts. I miss the ordinary things. I miss you making coffee for me in the morning, grinding the beans, making me wait to push the plunger. I miss waiting for you to wake up in the mornings. Maybe you understand and maybe you don't. I'm not sure. But these are the things I miss.

Sometimes I wonder how I ruined things between us. I wish I hadn't gotten so busy with work at the beginning. I had weird fears, regarding driving on mountains and rowing in the ocean together. And gotten out of shape and disinterested in sex. Plus drinking too much. I have much to be regretful for. And being too hard on you.

On the other hand, I unfortunately couldn't be any different than I was. And I realize that. It was the way it was. Nevertheless, I miss you so much. I thank you for our time together. It was really important to me. And I hope I can meet someone as terrific as you again. I guess I'll need to meet someone I love as much before being able to be friends with you. That is, if you still want to be friends with me.

I don't know you well enough to know if you're missing me. But in case you are, I thought I'd send this note. I know your missing me is different, but I do believe that I was important to you. I think it's important for me to let you know how important you are to me. And also I do want you to know, that not keeping in touch with you is probably the most loving thing I can do at this time. I'm not proud of the way I was treating you before this. And I want to make sure that I treat you well - the way you deserve.

Thank you BC, for the experience of you.
Intertextual
__________________________

Well, well, well!

I was wondering when I'd hear from you. I knew I might hear from you sometime since I got your very sweet letter when I last came over to get my stuff beside your garage. I still don't have a computer so I don't check my email very often but I'll always love getting back to you when you message me.

It is so good to hear from you and it sounds like you have been having some difficult moments since memories make it difficult to deal with the feelings they bring. Grieving is an exhausting process, isn't it?
I do know what you're going through right now and I'm so sorry that you must go through the pain of it. I wish it didn't have to be difficult but there really is no other way, is there?

I also understand that you could not have ever been any different than you were during the time that we've known each other. Please try not to blame yourself wondering what you did to ruin things between us. I can say that I've always wished that you could be "easier going" and somewhat less moody or emotionally triggered by things. I also understand that I've had to accept you the way you are and I've always loved and cared for you very much.

Yes - you were important to me and you still are. I do miss you very much also. I'll always want us to be friends. We both know we can't change what has been. We can say that if we did this or did't do that things would be different but there's no use, is there? Perhaps we just aren't meant to be "together" since we are in very different places with regards to what we can or can't live with. That doesn't mean we can't always be close in other ways. We have been very close with each other and I've enjoyed your company and the experience of getting to know you more than I can tell you. You've been a wonderful friend for me and I'd never want that part to change between us.

During one of our last conversations together you said that you worry that there is something wrong with you since your relationships all seem to end in similar ways. In your last email to me you mentioned that I always cared for you even though you have pimples, etc. I want to remind you that one of the first things I admired about you when we first met on the dance floor at Odyssey was your beautiful skin...and your beautiful legs...and I thought you were pretty cute looking, too.
And not to mention you are smart and an interesting guy, too. I quickly felt very close to you and wanted to see you often.

I do understand the importance of you taking all the time you need for yourself right now so please do take your time because I'll always be around. I know that you will meet that wonderful man to share you life with and he's looking for you too.

I know I haven't talked about myself much here but I'll say that there have been very difficult moments for me, too. I was depressed for a while and I also have recurring moments of heavy emotions that make me feel sad. I suppose that this has been different for each of us from our different perspectives.

Take good care of yourself my friend and I will take care of myself, too. We always said that we would during difficult times since we're both very strong. I know we're both sensitive in our own ways, too, and I wouldn't want it any other way....as long as there is a happy ending.

I look forward to being friends always when you're ready, too.

Love your friend, BC. XXX OOO
__________________________

Happy Valentine's Day BC.
I hope you're having a wonderful day. I'm sure you are, because you know how to take care of your own needs. Your own needs were always primary, so I'm sure that today - it's no different.

I think it's an appropo day to let you know that I am letting you go. Thank you for the time you've given me on my own. It's made me reflect on who I am, what's important to me, and what kind of friends and relationships I want in my life. While there is so much I love about you, ultimately, your values in terms of friendships and relationships are very different from my own. I cannot change who I am. And I don't want to. And obviously I cannot change your own ideas about friendships and relationships. Because you don't want to.

Our connection and love is on a different level, one that will always exist, but in real life, never will harmonize and never be practical. Every time you suggested that we would be friends, I never felt it. My conception of friendship is very different from your own. Intuitively, although we both wanted friendship, I never felt that we would have it. And now I'm telling you, we'll never be friends. To put it specifically and practically, BC, we'll never be in contact again.

I've come to realize that my destructive behaviour with you was partly a result of not being in alignment with my own values. Our values clashed. We didn't connect on these levels at all. While we had similar energies, we are very different people. I've become more of the person I wish to be, in not being in contact with you.

It's time for me to move forward and connect with people who share my values. And I have. These people exist. From the beginning of meeting you, I knew that our values didn't match. There would be problems. Even though you're the most loveliest guy I've ever known - our values don't match. I made the mistake of getting involved with you. Now I've met a few guys who's values match my own, they're not interested in fooling around outside of relationships, and wish to make a deep and true connection with me. That's what I need. I know, it's not what you want.

So, with grief, honour and self-respect, I let you go, Mr. BC. We'll meet again - in another another life. I know we won't meet here, in Vancouver. We've not met since January, and I know we won't meet again, at any time. Somehow, there's a division, that will separate us. I've changed. You've changed. We won't meet again. Until I see you in the afterlife. There - in the afterlife - I will honour our love.

Because I do believe I really loved you. I would have liked to spend my life with you. But you've shown me what I do need, and for that, I thank you. Thank you BC, and good bye.
Intertextual