Fucked over on New Year's

I don't know Alan at all. I didn't know him when I worked for him, and I just ran into him in Vanc*uver that week, talked with him online a few times, and saw him for coffee in [small town]. So I guess it wasn't wise to plan spending New Year's Eve with him.

When I look back at everything, there was some foreshadowing.

I emailed him on the Tuesday before New Year's Eve, asking if we were still getting together. I didn't hear back from him right away, so I also texted him the same question. By 11pm Wednesday evening, I still hadn't heard from him. I had already booked the rental car and I was going to be leaving in the morning. So I called him long distance on my cell phone, and he said, "Yes, I did get your text/email blah blah blah, but hadn't had time to reply." His response made no sense.

The next day before I left to [his city], Alan had texted AND called me regarding the roads. He said, "I was talking to a friend in [my small town] and she said that there was a snowstorm happening, and that the roads were terrible. I'd rather there was NO Intertextual, than a DEAD Intertextual." (I had thought he was concerned about my driving in those conditions. But now I wonder if he was hoping that I couldn't come, and wouldn't come. And was trying to give me reasons not to come. He even told me that there was a weather and highway alert - which there wasn't.)

When I got to Alan's place (the roads were perfectly clear all the way there), he showed me his condo, and sat around pleasantly chatting for a couple of hours. He kept interjecting, "Tonight, we could stay here and fool around like we talked about, or we could go online and see if anyone's into coming over, or go into the city and go to the baths." I told him that I was looking forward to a quiet evening staying in, and he seemed to agree.

When I went out onto the balcony for a cigarette, I could hear him talking extremely loudly in his bedroom to someone on the telephone (I discovered he talks very loudly when he's high and on the phone). I couldn't hear what was said, but when I came back in, he acted like nothing had happened. This also happened when I went for an extended visit to the washroom. I didn't ask about it, I just assumed that a friend had called him.

He had bought some Tina and I could tell he was already very high when I first arrived. He couldn't hear well (I had to speak very loudly and repeat myself) and he was shaking quite a bit. The baggie he showed me was about $70 worth, which is what I gave him when he was in [my small town]. He was also supposed to pick up one E for me and a V. So if we shared $70 T ($35 for me), and if spent had gotten an E and a V ($30), it would almost work out to my $70 contribution.

I was getting pleasantly high, and he was getting higher. We both were online on our laptops looking at guys on Manhunt and Squirt to see if we could find someone to come over and play with us. I thought this was preferable to going to the bathhouse.

I know that much Tina would normally last me and someone else a good long evening. I kept my eye on how much there was. I went out for a cigarette on the balcony, (heard him on the phone) and when I came back in, and filled the pipe again (about half an hour later), it looked like half of it was missing from the baggy). I didn't want to say, "Ah, did you take half the Tina from the baggy while I was out having a cigarette? I kind of ignored it, and hoped he had just put half of it aside for later, for when either a guy came over to party with us or when we went to the baths. I thought maybe he was concerned that we were smoking it too quickly. That's how I justified it to myself.

He said that he got 2 E, and no V, and he had said, "I got 2 E for myself." Meaning he hadn't gotten me any E or V for me. What I should have said at that point was I was going to keep the Tina to myself, since that's what I paid for, but again I didn't want to appear like a rude guest, who was supposed to be staying the night.

We were online from about 8 to 10 pm. I didn't want to go to the bathhouse, but Alan suggested that if we didn't find someone by 10pm, that we should get ready to go there. He wanted to take two cars, so that in the morning I could just go directly to my sister's house. I didn't feel like driving, and asked him if he could drive us both. He said sure, but that he'd rather drive my rental car.

I used the shower (this was the extended trip to the washroom). Before I went in, I clearly noticed how much Tina was left in the bag. And when I came out, the bag was gone. He said he had put the rest of what was in the baggy on the living room coffee table by my pipe. I went to look, because I wanted another drag before leaving, and I picked up the pipe which was on a plate, and looked all over and couldn't see any baggy. Then I saw a tiny bit of Tina on the table top - I guess he had put the "rest" of the Tina into my pipe. There was too much Tina left to use it as one bowl, I thought. It would have been quite huge. Anyway, we checked to see if there was any on the floor that spilled, there didn't appear to be. He didn't look too hard, because he seemed to know there wasn't any more than the tiny amount that he put in my pipe. So again, more missing Tina.

I said, "There was a lot more Tina than that left when I left to take a shower." He said, no there wasn't, he had emptied the bag into my pipe, and threw the baggie out. Alan said, "I certainly didn't take it, I'm not like that, etc." I tried to let this situation go, but it was still pushing at me, bothering me. I decided to speak to him about it very maturely and calmly and warmly, giving him an opportunity to perhaps "find" the rest of it or give me a scenario where he put some aside for us for later. I sat down next to him to talk to him about this, because he couldn't hear very well, and said, "I know there was more than that left, and in fact I noticed most of the Tina going missing when I went out for a cigarette earlier this evening. I thought you had put some aside for us for later when a guy came over, or for the bathhouse."

He became very angry, telling me to get out of his apartment, he's not a thief, get out, etc. I remained calm, and made a decision that I was going to leave. Alan kept going on, being pissed, but as I started to gather my belongings together I realized this was going to be very awkward to explain to my sister and family. I also didn't have enough money to rent a hotel room or go to the baths on my own (Alan had offered to lend me the money if we were going together).

Alan got his wallet out, and counted out $30 and slammed it down on the kitchen counter in front of me. When he did that, a huge load of Tina fell out of the bills and bounced all over the counter. I looked at him, and said, "So there it is - the rest of the Tina WAS in your wallet." He looked at me like he was going to punch me, and said, "What the fuck, why would I have put the Tina in my wallet, with my bills, that's a stupid place to put it, and no I didn't take the Tina and do that."

I looked at him unbelievingly, wondering how he could deny what we just saw and what happened. Again, I said, "The Tina was tangled in your bills and when you slammed them on the counter, the Tina came out - it's now all over the counter." I started gathering it up, glad it had been found.

He was going on, yelling he's not a liar, that he didn't take it, maybe it was there the whole time, blah blah, and then he stopped talking and just started getting ready. I took stock of the situation and I was very disappointed. I thought that maybe if I calmed down, went easy on him, I could salvage the evening, stay friends with him and give him the opportunity to admit it another time, saying it was the drugs that made him act badly. I have seen people do this on drugs many times, and I know that he doesn't have access to it easily in [his city]. I was also very disappointed that this would end our friendship, because I thought we had some things in common. I thought I'd try to salvage our friendship and the evening.

Basically I ended up saying that perhaps the Tina was already on the counter and I hadn't seen it before, that I was very stoned and perhaps a bit paranoid, or that perhaps it had fallen out earlier from one of the pipes, etc. and that I was sorry to have blamed him. I said I had too many bad experiences in Van*ouver with guys taking drugs, and so on. I actually WAY over did it, apologizing. I told him I like him, thought well of him, and thought we had things in common and it was worth maintaining our friendship. Anyway, Alan seemed relieved, said the situation was behind us, it happens to people on drugs (which was going to be my excuse for him).

I gave him the keys to my rental car, I was all ready to go, and then he said, "Oh you forgot your computer bag." I said, "Did you want to bring that to the baths?" Alan said, "Yes, just in case it isn't busy, we can have another option to look online." I said, "Cool, okay." Then he noticed that I hadn't brought my luggage, and he said, "Oh, let's bring your luggage too, in case we get separated and in the morning you're not stranded looking for me to get your belongings back." I thought that was odd, but agreed. He said we were going to pick up Mike, a young guy he had met early this week, and bring him to the tubs with us. This came out of nowhere, I didn't know about it before, but I thought, alright.

On the way into the city I tried to make him feel relaxed, asked him about himself, tried to get him to open up and show me his authentic self. It kind of happened, but he was guarded. Just as we got into the city he called the young Mike and said he had arrived, and he was going to be there in 2 minutes. He said, "Mike is really hot, a great guy. He's going to be my next boyfriend." Wow, that was news to me. He had been talking about him as though he were a guy he had fucked earlier that week, and he asked me if I wanted to do a threesome with him. I didn't realize it was serious. Young Mike was at a nightclub. Alan parked nearby, and before he got out of the car said, "In case for some reason I don't make it back, here are the keys. You can go to the bath house on your own. I said I couldn't afford to go to the bathhouse, I didn't have any money until Monday. So Alan got out the $30 he had originally put on the counter and said, "That's why I gave you the $30 earlier," and gave it to me.

He left, and it was about 11:45. Fifteen minutes before midnight. So I sat in the car texting friends Happy New Year messages until 12:15 when I left to the bathhouse.

I think Alan had planned to meet up with the Young Mike all evening, and was just trying to figure out a way to make it downtown so he could join him later, after Mike's New Year's party was over at the nightclub. I think Alan was hoping the roads were too dangerous, so I wouldn't make it into Calgary.

I won't be seeing or speaking to Alan again. All he had to do was tell me he had made other plans for New Year's Eve, and say, "Would I mind if he cancelled?" I would have gladly said, "No," and spent it with my sister. And stealing drugs from me and acting like nothing happened makes it clear to me he has a drug problem - an addiction.

At the baths, I got the last available room, and totally wasn't in the mood to play or have sex, so I relaxed and occasionally took in the steamroom and hot tub. At 7:30am I got up at, went to the steamroom and warmed up, then sat and watched porn in the public area. A shorter guy, cute and around my age kept checking me out, but since I showed no interest, he left. He came by and did this three times. After the third time I decided to take a shower, and get ready to go for 8:30am. He followed me.

In the shower I noticed he had a great cock - quite long and nice and thick, and super hard. We ended up going back to my room, where he fucked me, professionally. I would have gladly paid for a fuck like that! This guy knew how to use what he was given, in just the right ways. I was totally enjoying it, and so was he. Ten minutes before I had to leave, we were done. I had one of the best fucks I'd had in a long time, and I made check-out too.

New Year's Day was turning out to be a lot better than New Year's Eve! Hopefully it's an omen for 2010 for me.

Support Grindr X - An old way to rip off unsuspecting gays

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Chris Pine is sexy, and well hung?

I couldn't help myself, this guy is sexy.

Underwater

In memory of Brian:

something fearless in your eyes
something careless about your smile
something fragile when you hold your breath
and when you move
you move right through me

fingertips so gently on my skin
i'm underwater
i feel the flood begin
fingertips so gently on my skin
you're taking over and over again

shed your armour
spin your web
hypnotise me with the longest stare
make your promise
or maybe it's a threat
'cos when you look
you look right through me

we're flesh and bone
together and alone
and we're looking for a home

silver moonlight fills the sky
calling gently to the evening tide
you're unfolding right before my eyes
and when you move
you move right through me

The Truth Behind Internet Profiles


[Click to see larger version]

Restaurant Makeover

What never fails to amaze me about HGTV’s Restaurant Makeover is that those who own a restaurant, or pub, or family diner don’t know the basics of how to run a one. I have no intentions of ever owning or operating a restaurant, but even I know that you should use fresh ingredients (no store-bought Caesar salad dressings or frozen lobsters), stick to a food theme (don’t serve hamburgers at a Thai café), or display mass-produced, ugly 3-D caricatures of pigs as your mascot in a barbeque joint. But week after week, such dimwits, whose restaurants are understandably on the verge of going under, appeal to the Restaurant Makeover team to give their babies a new lease on life.



Typically, the show begins with one of their cast of designers and chefs avec attitude, sneering and making catty comments about the restaurant décor and menu away from the owner’s ears. “It’s another one of these,” says the beautiful redhead Meredith Heron to chef David Adjey, while crinkling her pouty mouth and aristocratic nose. When entering Thai Thai café, she adds, “It looks like they threw up condiments all over all the walls,” or something to that effect. Indeed, there are stacks of shelves selling condiments, and the 80s décor is a cross between Mexico and Spain with red and orange colored walls, mosaic tiled floors and a random seating order. She’s right.

When we meet the owners, they’ve got their heartbreaking stories. They haven’t had a vacation in five years, or they may have to send their son who’s studying at University back to Mexico because they can’t afford to pay his tuition anymore [tell him to pay his own way, stupid!], or a single mother who’s spending her five year old daughter’s savings to stop the restaurant from going bankrupt, or all the new trendy pubs on the street are taking the poor shlub’s business away. They’re asked by the Restaurant makeovers to sign checks for $15,000 (which the show will match, dollar-for-dollar). As they put pen to paper, you can see their fear and gut-wrenching nausea, as they put their trust into snotty professionals who haven’t put their soul and sweat into the day-to-day operations of their babies.

They always have their caveats. “You must keep our buffet [aka “market”] for our lunch crowd – they’re what make us stay afloat,” or “Don’t touch my bar, I made it with my own bare hands from the timber of my grandpa’s cabin.” “Whatever you do, don’t change the essence of my restaurant [because after all it’s doing so successfully].” Of course, the makeover team always does anyway.

The owners always tell the chef, “Don’t touch that [dry, frozen] rainbow trout [with the head still on] because our customers love it.” Our customers [alcoholic bar regulars] always come in for the (deep-fried, greasy, overdone) chicken wings, potato skins, and cheese balls.” The chef always changes them.

It never fails that the restaurant cook is one or more of the following:
a. untrained
b. overtrained, but dominated by the bad direction of the owner
c. is of a different ethnic background than the food of the restaurant, so the Thai café ends up serving Chinese food
d. is overly confident and tries to push the makeover chef’s buttons
e. has no personality and barely speaks, so the makeover chef tries to bring them out of themselves.

It all makes for entertaining drama. But my favorite moment is when they introduce the tradesmen: the carpenters, electricians, and painters. The project manager [Igor?] is particularly hot. He’s got a thick Russian accent with a little boy’s face, and a man’s body. He’s always goofing around, pulling faces, making jokes at the expense of the pretensions of the designer. In every episode, there’s a confrontation between him and the designer du jour, wherein he or she tries to assert their authority over the blue collar yokel. He’s so utterly heterosexual he is excellent bait for the gay male designers, who try desperately to get a reaction out of him. “I love you, Igor, you’re such a sweetheart,” they lisp when he agrees to redo the flooring they put up on the wall horizontally, instead of vertically. “Don’t call me sweetheart,” Igor says thickly, pulling a displeased look.


Robin DeGroot, a talented, platinum blond manboy aggressively flirts with him, trying to give Igor a peck on the cheek or wrap his arms around his hunky chest in a ‘friendly’ and team-building hug.

Restaurant Makeover’s token lesbian, Executive Chef Lynn Crawford [that’s an assumption on my part, the lesbian part that is] has forbade Robin to use the word “sexy” when describing his newest design concept. Especially when he’s designing a café that caters to the high school kids across the street.

Cut to scenes of the deconstruction team joyfully swinging mallets to bring down walls, ceilings and bars. Drilling away ceramic flooring. Smashing mirror tiles. They’re like a bunch of teenager gangsters, drunk on testosterone, intent on destruction. You see Igor being rolled up in the middle of a carpet being ripped out, and he’s giggling. [He’s so cute.] Or having the male equivalent of a hissy-fit when he discovers he needs to reroute the plumbing, or re-jig the wiring. “You expect me to do all that in five days?” he says, in angry bewilderment. He looks so put out – his face turns red, he scowls, but eventually gives in to the domineering designer. The viewer is then treated to bent over butt shots from below, while he’s hanging off a ladder sorting twisted wiring. I’m still waiting for the episode where they feature Igor shirtless [hint, hint].

The Restaurant Makeover team then brings in the owners to see the disaster they’ve created. They’re usually led into the restaurant blindfolded, and you can see the designer salivating in expectation of their horrified reactions. Once unblinded, the owners never disappoint, either by being silent with shock, becoming visibly anxious or even breaking down in tears. After a few moments, the designer gently pushes them out, and tells them not to return until “the reveal.”

In about 20 per cent of the episodes, the owner, who’s always an obsessive control freak, breaks the rules and keeps showing up at the renovation site, sometimes stalking the restaurant to see how progress is going. It’s up to the designer, rolling their eyes, to play patient mother while tactfully setting boundaries with their rebellious child.

The show goes on. Things go smoothly, then something goes wrong. Some unexpected budget-fucking problem occurs; the designer finds a solution. Often the blue-collar team works into the wee morning hours to finish the restaurant for the reveal; even the designer ends up painting walls and ruining their manicures. Occasionally the electrician hires an outside contractor to help him without the approval of the designer, or sometimes a plumber, at $500 extra per day. The $3,000 order of wallpaper is missing; so after the designer screams at and blames the supplier, Igor finds it in the back room. The Carrera marble bar counter arrives broken, but the stone tile flooring works just as well. The custom chairs the designer “must have” are way over budget; after a visit to the supplier’s shop and some pleading, they get them at half price. The custom ordered piece never fits; the construction crew always gets the wrong plans; the lighting never arrives on time. But you always know…there’s going to be a happy ending.

There are as few plot twists in the kitchen. The restaurant’s cook prepares three entrees from the existing menu for the makeover chef, who invariably hates two [or more] out of three. Sometimes they refuse to eat them, especially when it’s frozen, pre-packaged and deep-fried. The cook never seems to use local, fresh ingredients; the chef must inspire them by taking them to a local market. Half of their existing menu is crossed out with a permanent black marker by the chef, because one must stick to a food theme and offer something fresh and new. Don’t use dried herbs. Use fresh oil if you’re going to deep fry. Stop poking the steak as it’s grilling. Then, after your food and technique has been trashed, get a good night’s sleep and meet the next day, when the chef will show you how it’s done.


David Adjey, the craggy, but handsome blue-eyed chef, has a unique process. He makes up new entrees on the fly, much to the chagrin of the owners and cooks. He doesn’t have a clue what he’s going to make in advance. After shopping at a local market, he brings the goods back to the kitchen, and throws together some masterpiece that the cook or owner always loves. In a unique episode, the cameraman goes looking for him, because he hasn’t shown up to the restaurant on time. You see the cameraman sneaking into his Toronto studio apartment, complete with brick walls, open living plan, and copper cookware hanging decoratively from a rack in his stainless steel kitchen. The cameraman finds him still in bed sleeping, shirtless, and alone. I suddenly feel sad for him: he’s in his late forties and single without children, living like a young bachelor in a small trendy condo, hung over from a night of drinking. He no longer has the aura of being a famous and successful chef. Then the camera pans out to discover he’s actually been up all night studying Thai cookbooks, pouring over techniques and flavors. I suddenly admire him again. He’s dedicated to his art.


The most huggable chef on the show award goes to Massimo Capra. He looks like a living cartoon of an Italian chef, with his balding head, handlebar moustache that curls up at the ends, and happy Buddha belly. Massimo speaks in a soothing, uplifting Italian accent, and clearly loves his career, and tries to make everyone fall in love with him and food. And everyone does.

Finally, the reveal. After last minute touches such as fresh flowers and hanging new artwork, the least important part of the shows occurs in the last eight minutes. The makeover team shows off their work to the restaurant owners who invariably ooh and awe over their amazing work. Friends and customers come through the door and always say, “Oh my god,” or “Am I in the right place?” Food is served, everyone loves it, and the owner[s] glow with joy and appreciation. At the ending credits, some restaurant critic is quoted, by writing something to the effect of, “A fresh look and taste to an old neighborhood favorite, Restaurant Makeover dishes out a five-star facelift.”

My only complaint is that the blue-collar team aren’t invited to the reveal. Poor Igor is once again ignored, never sharing in the glory. Always the underdog. But the irony is, it’s not the designers or chefs or the makeover that’s the star of the show. It’s Igor. Now if only the producers would make him work with his shirt off.

Update: Executive Chef Lynn Crawford is NOT a lesbian. Sorry girls.

Professorial Knowledge or Sound Bytes?

Attempting to teach ten years of theory in one 14 week semester introductory course, is futile. Isn't it? One is reduced to summarizing the entire career of a brilliant researcher with...'sound bytes.' 20 years knowledge + experience = 10 minutes lecture time. Usually accompanied by an online video which is 6 minutes in length. When you're attempting to deliver about 50 summaries of theoretical concepts in 14 weeks, you have no choice but to present ridiculously dumbed-down versions that are scintillating within three bullet marks. The Powerpoint presentations must be interesting enough to be memorable and convey the basic concepts.

I thought this teaching dilemma might be a symptom of today's technology/internet-based, ADD/ADHD affected pupil who's watched too much MTV, and is familiar with an equally frenzied teaching styles. Long gone are chalkboards - today's classrooms have dry eraser markers and video projectors connected to several media, including the Internet, video tape and DVD players. Students want to be entertained, not informed. Professors have blogs or class web sites, Web CT is used to deliver class knowledge, present projects and grades. 'Forgetabout' (use a NY accent) true education - it's all about the student. They now have online evaluations for professors, both internally at the university, and externally - in the form of www.ratemyprofessors.com. Careers die and fluorish based on these less than scientific methods of evaluation. If you get a hot tamale, you're more likely to receive tenure. One stupid student's complaint can finish you.

When I think back to my own education as an undergraduate, I realize - nothing's really changed. In art history, we were introduced to entire artist careers within the blink of a slide. Or three. We were given 'sound bytes' by the professor, just as we are today. Art history lectures tend to be introductory courses, so they fall into a different category than 'research' classes.

In most forums today, teaching is about delivering 'sound bytes.' It's up to the students to fill in the blanks. Fortunately, most professors realize this, and offer additional research articles and links regarding the topic (not that introductory students tend to read these.) But, I still pine for the days when professors were allowed to be wholly subjective - they deliver research from their own area of interest, and then try to inspire their students to investigate a similar tangent.

Such professors were hired based upon their own research merits - they have specific knowledge that needs to be imparted. The professors photocopy (not find links on the internet, or provide Google PDFs) articles. They show their own work.

This is the method in which I was taught. I had brilliant professors, with great careers, who shared with us their personal knowledge and direction. It didn't mean that I had to follow in their direction - it meant that I could fashion a direction of my own, based upon my personal subjective directions. It didn't mean they had to present to me 'sound bytes' - they truly offered a professorial direction, one that was based on personal experience.

Who's Thicke?

I've discovered an enormously talented singer. Robin Thicke. I think he's going to be huge. Actually, he's already huge. He appeals to both young people and older persons, like me!

He's born of the Canadian actor Alan Thicke. Unfortunately, Canada cannot claim Robin as his own, because he was born in California. So he's listed as "American."

There are endless discussions of how Robin has transgressed some existing division between black and white singers. Apparently everyone thinks he is black, from his voice, I guess. But he is totally white. I really hate these racist divisions.

The quality of human beings are not based on their race, they're based on the quality that they bring to the world. I'm not convinced that he's appropriated black culture in his singing. I think that his voice, and vocal affinity has determined the music. Why can't white people sing similar things, if its in their soul?

White Palms



The title "White Palms" refers to the chalked hands of gymnasts -- but as this striking, deeply felt drama illustrates, sometimes those hands are blistered and bloody.

In an unpromising opening sequence that overdoes the shaky handheld camera, introspective Dongo (Cirque du Soleil member Zoltan Miklos Hajdu) arrives in Calgary to coach Olympic hopefuls. The film then moves back 21 years to 1980 Debrecen, Hungary, where the 10-year-old Dongo withstands a merciless schedule of gymnastics practice. When his parents see a welt on his leg, courtesy of the sadistic coach (Gheorghe Dinica) who brandishes a fencing foil, they insist that he must have deserved it. Their response to such rough handling is a stark contrast to the clamor that erupts among Canadian parents after the adult Dongo slaps a boy who's practicing a dangerous routine. Rather than fire him, the head coach puts him in charge of the gifted but recalcitrant Kyle (Olympic medalist Kyle Shewfelt).

Read the rest of the review here: White Palms

I didn't realize this film existed until now. It looks hot. Kyle Shewfelt is a Calgary gymnast who won an Olympic medal for his floor routine, and works out at the University of Calgary where I once did. And soon, I will be living in the same city. He's probably not gay though, but he sure is cute!

I remember my coaches used to work me out until my palms bled. When you're 12, and develop soft calluses from all the bar work, it takes nothing to rip off 3mm of flesh. Even though they were ripped off, he made me chalk up and do it again. I was very angry at him and tearful because it really hurts. But when you're 12, by the next practice day, they've already healed. Then your body seems to build up an immunity to the calluses (for the most part) and all the bumps on your triceps from parallel bars, your pelvis, etc. It's weird when I think about it now. Even from working out, I love developing hard calluses on my hands. I used to like gliding over my partner's back with my calluses, scratching/tickling him. He didn't like it though - I would have. He used to moisturize his hands obsessively so he never developed them.

He developed white palms though, from stroking his enormous big cock.

On another tangent, I found out my L*thbridge coach who I had a big crush on moved to Las Vegas and is now coaching Cirque du Soleil performers. My parents found an article on him in the local newspaper and showed it to me. Good for him. He gave me many painful months of unresolved sexual fantasies, especially when he undressed in front of me, and put his hands all over me. I've blogged about it somewhere on this site.

Gymnastics really does change the soul of a person, for a life time.

Brazil vs. Canada - Men's Gymnastics



I recorded this last weekend on videotape, then managed to capture the video, then export it for the web and put it online! Even old dogs can learn new tricks.

The Brazilian is fantastic - I believe he came in second, and the Canadian "Kyle" came in third. Hottie Marian DRAGULESCU came in first - I'm sure you're familiar with him from other gay blogs - he's so gorgeous.

I'm only about 200 km away from Kyle...but I haven't heard any gay rumours, although he appears gay to me. Unlike some famous gold medal Calgary swimmer, who everyone has had sex with..

Enjoy.

Interview with a Werewolf



* The italicized/underlined dialogue is in a strange, Mediterranean-sounding dialect.

BARRY
Esto demasiado lejos deu nuestras mãos, London. Tremine ist. Ahora.
(translation)
This is too far from our hands, London. End this. Now.

Harris’ eyes flash at the sound of this language.

ADRIAN
Tamentéu. Bórrel.
(translation)
Absolutely. Erase it.

LONDON
Táwn não acontecerá até que nós sabemos tudo. Alguém lo trajo sobre. Esta não era sua niciatriva.

(translation)
It will not happen until we know everything. Someone brought him on. This was not his initiative.

ADRIAN
Es demasiado. Cáigalo cair, fá-loei haré mis.
(translation)
It is too much. Drop him, or I will do it myself.

LONDON
Você não hará ninguna tal coisa. Usted toma uma etapa em seu sentido y yo comeré seu coração.
(translation)
You will do no such thing. You take a step in his direction and I will eat your heart.

BARRY
Esto não é una idéia boa.
(translation)
This is not a good idea.

LONDON
(glaring)
Quando deseo su opinião, você sabrá.
(translation)
When I want your opinion, you will know it.

Last August, I auditioned for a role in an independent film being created here, in L*thbridge. I ended up being cast as "Barry" - second in command to the head werewolf, named London. Apparently the director liked my latin-appearing looks, and my ability to be calm, yet menacing.

All the actors met up last night, during the full moon, to perform two scenes - one of which is mentioned above. We drove for about 40 minutes, through pitch black countryside (only lighted by the moon) until we arrived at a farm house in the middle of nowhere. The lighting and cameras had already been set up. It was quite cold - the northerly wind was blowing, and it was about 2 degrees celsius.

I had a very hard time memorizing my lines, a mixture of Portuguese, Spanish and Italian. I had to look up on the internet how to pronounce latin-type languages. I found out that "i" sounds like "e", and "e" sounds like "a." And of course, "j" sounds like "h." Then, of course, I had an even harder time trying to say a complete sentence, smoothly, while keeping a straight face. I couldn't stop laughing from embarrassment! How was I going to deliver my lines authentically, when I couldn't stop giggling from self-consciousness?

London was a hot young stud, 19 years old, with dark hair, green eyes, about 5'11". He had already been in one horror film. He works as a bartender at one of the upscale club/dining establishments in town. Unfortunately, when he took his jacket off, he had a bit of a paunch...but who cares. He was still hot, and a very nice guy.

Adrian was a guy who the director met at the gym, and asked him to play the part, only because he "looks" the part. Ironically, he was the only one who had his lines down pat, and sounded entirely authentic! I have no idea what age he is - 33? But he's studied practically every type of marshall arts there are. He has a degree in political science, but he's a dedicated kick boxing, jujitsu, karate addict, who's studied everywhere from New York to LA to Vancouver. Not my type... I don't know why, even though he's blond. Maybe if I saw him with his clothes off I'd be more interested. Anyway, he is a natural actor. He put London and myself to shame!

Then there's me. Thank goodness we didn't do the second scene with the latin-sounding language - I couldn't have pulled it off. It was too cold which was distracting, and I'm too much of a perfectionist so I couldn't pull off the accent without sounding like an idiot trying to pronounce every syllable and correct emphasis.

All I had to do was walk into a scene where there were three police, two other werewolves, and one semi-victim who turns into a hero. Basically, I was a model. No lines, just walking in, looking confident and scary. I'm good with that!

It got too late after doing the first scene, that the director decided to postpone the latin-speaking scene, where I'd have to speak... so that scene will be rescheduled, shortly. Before the winter sets in too much. That will give me lots of time to practice. Now all I have to do is find a latin-speaking guy who's willing to give me some lessons!

Brad Pitt update



(I'll probably get a ton of google hits with that line...just so you know, this post is not really about Bratt Pitt. Just his doppleganger.)

Guess who I saw on Saturday? You guessed right. Brad Pitt. Except that he no longer sports buzzed-short hair - he's got a normal looking, short hairstyle. But he dyed his hair black. Like Angelina.

He said he's been doing good, except for a few relapses. He looks awesome. So even though he's no longer blond, or buzz-cut, there was still this intense sexual energy/chemistry going on, probably only with me, so it probably wasn't shared, but wow, it's intense. I haven't seen him in months, but all that crazy sexual chemistry energy happened instantly.

He's definitely one drug I need to stay away from. For his own sake.

I wonder if this "chapter" in my life in Lethbridge is over now. I'm not sure...

Gay Parenthood & Purpose?

What struck me about seeing a buck, a female deer and their baby together, prancing through the coulees...the mother and father kindly and gently protecting the cute baby deer...was how, as a gay man, I have little to relate to.

I saw a clear and defined family unit, each with their own proscribed roles and purposes in life. In fact, their genetic destinies gave them meaningful purpose in life.

I have no such proscribed, genetically determined meaning in life. Being both protector and nurturer, top and bottom (versatile), aggressor and passive being, and no babies, my meaning in life is more difficult to ascertain.

I say to myself, "Thank God I'm gay - I don't have to have babies." Is this a defense mechanism, born out of knowing I'm gay, and knowing that the likelihood of me ever having babies is nearly zero per cent? Or is a true sentiment?

My thoughts and opinions are probably like most straight men - they are cute, I love 'em, I'd love to grow up with one...but what is lacking in me is the concept of paternity. I don't feel a drive toward paternity. The concept of me "having my DNA profilgated through my baby, and thus, I live forever," is absolutely and completely missing from my psyche. I think this is such an archaic concept.

As a result of being the only male in my family, my family geneology will not continue through me. Do I care? No, not at all.

On the other hand, if I were married, and had an infant, I would definitely have a purpose in life. It would be to support, protect, nurture and give life to my baby. I would do everything in my power throughout their life to do this. My life would take second place.

I guess I have this option...but remember, I'm older, so it's only been a recent invention in Canadian history. So for most of my life, it's not been an option. So have I justified this absence of options for not wanting a baby? Or getting married? Or do I simply like being absolved of genetic predispositions of fatherhood / motherhood / babyhood?

To be honest, I like being abolved of all related genetic purposes. I need to find my own purpose in life, which is...if someone can tell me I'd appreciate it. But I know it's not to be in a "proper family unit with a baby." Although I do like babies.

What are your own thoughts/experience/feelings on this issue? I'd like to know.

White-Tailed Deer



Last week I left my office at about 10pm. I saw 8 white-tailed deer walking up the paved pathway, over the coulees. Oddly out of place among concrete, right angled buildings and human beings, they were a welcomed pleasure. Graceful, curious and cautious, their large, muscular bodies daintily tiptoed across the parking lot and back into the curvareous hillsides. It was a full moon, adding to the supernatural quality of the moment.

Today at 5pm, I saw a buck, a female deer and a baby deer, less than 10 feet away from me, as I stepped out onto my office's patio for a breather. Their white behinds were nearly in my face, as they pranced about the hillside edge, eating leaves from a tree. They were nervous, but not scared, apparently used to human presence.

I know there's a metaphor here - I'm working on it. I will update once it's become clear.

Here's the answer to the tattoo question...

I finally did it. I got a tattoo.

After years of studying them, I am no longer the Un-Tattooed Other. It felt exactly as I had read. It wasn't painful - it was irritating - it felt nice. Actually, getting fucked up the ass is more painful. But what the two experiences share, is unforgetability.

I thought long and hard about what tattoo to get. The young guy who gave it to me did a decent job. It's not art, but technically it's brilliant. But all who get tattoos feel that way - we justify the permanence.

This means, of course, that I'll have to be cremated. The thought of my tattoo decrepitating along with my body is just not a pretty concept. For now, having a pretty interesting tattoo during my waking life is kind of cool.

Can anyone guess what my tattoo is of?

Making Room for Spirit
Allow the universe to breathe in you.

Bathe your cells in the essence of your higher self
The relationship with your Higher Self is only just beginning. You begin to experience deeper and deeper levels of your soul. No longer will the experience of your Higher Self be something outside of you. It becomes something you experience as yourself. Gone are the days when you felt you were channeling some distant frequency from far out space. This visualization is no longer useful in the new energy. Instead, you will feel like you are listening to and guiding yourself.

The energies being released on the planet right now are lessening the distance between you and your Higher Self. As each of you lessen the hold on your earth-based egos, you will increasingly identify with your Higher Self. The immense and difficult processes of dealing with your core issues over the last several months and years have been preparing you for this moment. As you begin to lose your false sense of self – aspects of yourself that you once understood as you – you make room for a greater identification with your true self.

Each one of us has a different energy vibration. Each soul of which we are a part has a unique energy signature. As time goes on, you will begin to intimately know the signature of your soul. In your meditations at this time, as you connect with your higher self, you will discover that you can no longer experience this signature as separate from you. Your higher self insists that you identify it as your own. The method of communicating with your higher self will no longer feel like it is coming from above you, or through your upper chakras. Instead, as the vibration increases, you will find that your higher self has taken residence within the center of your body. Look for it here.

In meditation, sit in the energy of your Higher Self, and get to know your essence. Essence signatures always begin in the major key of love. Bathe in the love of your essence, and allow it to penetrate every cell of your body. Because you have made room for a new consciousness in your body, you may now allow the energy and essence of your higher self to move in. The more you allow this, the more you begin the ascendance process and begin to radiate the light and energy of your higher self. You are given more access to the wondrous powers of your greater being. You have greater access to knowledge stored within your memory banks, and to the energies of the universe.

As you identify with your Higher Self, you will begin to feel larger. Your aura and sense of self will extend beyond your usual experience. Your aura will feel immense and encompass bigger areas. This allows an expansion of your awareness. In meditation, became aware of the magnitude of who you are.

Releasing emotional blocks from the body
Your Higher Self desires to penetrate the cells of your body. The essence of your higher self wishes to take residence here. In order for this to occur, it is important for you to release from the cells of your body any past hurt, suffering, fear and anger. The releasing of core issues begins in the cells of your body and out into your mental bodies. Then the thoughts and beliefs that created these blocks must be surrendered to love. Working with the body is helpful at this time. Experience your core issues at a physical and emotional level, not just a mental level, and release them. Make room for your Hgher Self to integrate with your body. You will experience great relief and renewal of your body as this occurs.

The loving energies of the universe are available to assist you with the process. Kundalini and tantric, energies are the healing and nurturing energies of the universe herself. It is important to breathe and bring oxygen to all caverns of the body, thereby bringing renewal and vitality to the cells of your bodies and organs. Breath allows your cells to breathe. On the in-breath inhale the energy of kundalini, and on the out-breath exhale fear and sorrow, held within your cells.

Allow the universe to breathe in you.

Where there are blockages, the energies of the universe caress you with love and pleasure, until you feel joyous and safe enough to release them. When you no longer hold any fear or sorrow in your cells, the kundalini energies feel gently energizing and as normal as breathing. Learn to follow your body's desire to breathe. Breathe with your feelings. Take deep breaths in rhythm with your emotions, and the clearing process takes place.

As you release blocks in your body, you are more comfortable sitting in your body. There is less tension in your body, and your breath reaches oxygen-starved areas of your organs. You feel more at home in the universe, and trust that you are loved and protected by her. In order for ascension to occur, you must fully own your physical body and feel at home in it.

This is a time of creating a relationship with your body, breath and the essence of your Higher Self. The relationship with your higher self brings you greater wholeness, so as you go out into the world, you greet others with your wholeness, and your relationships are aligned with divine will. You open the door to giving and receiving unconditional love.

Go forth, breathe and get intimate with the essence of your higher self.

Relationships as mirrors



To make up for my inability to post about my own life, here is an old past writing about relationships...


Have you ever noticed how often the qualities that attracted you to your partner or friend turn out to be the same ones you end up hating about him or her?

Why is it that opposites attract? One of the wondrous gifts of complementary or opposite relationships is that they motivate us to greater wholeness and fulfillment, through the laws of mirroring and karma. These laws were formed at the very beginning of our universe.

In the beginning…

Once upon a time, an aspect of The Creator decided out of great love and curiosity, to create a reality in which a part of itself would not remember its true nature. In order to accomplish this, The Creator manifested a body on the third dimensional plane in which to situate an aspect of itself. The Creator gave this body certain limitations, so it wouldn't be able to fully remember who it was. The experiment was to discover if The Creator, when hidden from itself, could remember who it was. In order to assist itself, the human retained, as in all dimensions, the ability to create its own reality according to its beliefs. But because the third dimension is dense, the process of creating reality is slowed down so that it is not as apparent in the higher vibrational realms.

The conditions were so perfectly conceived that when a piece of The Creator contained itself within the body, the density of the third dimension created separation and individuation. The human believed itself to be a separate from all that is, and conceived itself to be individual! This split The Creator's wholeness into complementary pairs, and dualism was born. The human experienced the illusion of self and other, male and female, good and evil, life and death, abundance and poverty.

Dualism also created karma – the law that every action causes a reaction. So whenever the human's actions came from the belief that it was separate, karma ensures that the human has the opportunity to discover that it is not. Until a remembrance of its unity and wholeness is achieved, the human rides the wheel of karma.

In self-love, The Creator (because The Creator is love) provided itself two very important clues to remembering its wholeness: the mirroring nature of reality, and karma. Because wholeness is the fundamental truth of reality, each aspect of reality contains the whole. Therefore every piece of reality contains a holographic mirror of the whole. Reality mirrors one's beliefs, and within that reality is the unity of all that is, and karma allows limitless opportunities to discover this. These gifts allow us, the human – as an individuated piece of The Creator – a path to return home.

The holographic nature of reality is another way of saying, "everything is in relationship." Separateness is an illusion. All things cooperate in relationship to work together. Even the smallest, most invisible and immeasurable particle has consciousness, because it too is a piece of The Creator, and the law of its nature is to cooperate with other particles to create the highest good for all. Relationships are, therefore, another word for cooperation. Your relationship to others, and others' relationships to you, is a cooperation that brings you to remembering your unity and wholeness.

Rediscovering Your Wholeness

The veil between our human selves and our Creator-selves is so effective that it takes us many lifetimes to perceive the relationship between situations, things and ourselves as interconnected. Fortunately, in this new age, mass consciousness is awakening and we have greater opportunity to learn from these relationships, and reclaim our wholeness. The new energy being released into the earth makes us oscillate at a higher vibration, quickening the process, forcing us to confront all the aspects of self that we believe are not whole, and separate from others. The earth plane is becoming less dense, and our beliefs are manifesting our reality at an ever increasing pace, making it clearer that we create our reality.

Because we are master artists at creating our own reality, every relationship we have is reflective of our beliefs. Because reality is a holographic mirror, our relationships give us clear feedback as to what we believe about others, the universe and ourselves. Often our beliefs operate unconsciously, without our awareness. By examining our experience of relationships we may discover our unconscious beliefs, and transform them into beliefs that serve us better.

The Mirroring of Disowned and Shadow Characteristics

One of the primary ways in which relationships serve to remind us of our wholeness is by mirroring aspects of our psyches that we disown. Often we are attracted to people who have complementary or opposite characteristics from ourselves. Whenever we need to acknowledge and develop the other person's characteristics in our own personalities, the complementary characteristics eventually cause conflict in the relationship. Co-dependent relationships form from complementary relationships because we believe we "need" the other person to fulfill aspects in our selves that we are lacking. We also mirror disowned characteristics in the other person – our relationship partner needs to acknowledge and develop the recessive personality characteristics in his or her self, which are dominant in our personalities.

Complementary relationships end up creating conflict between two people because there is a lack of balance between the dominant and recessive aspects of the personalities.

While our partner's dominant characteristics are the basis for our attraction and admiration, the lack of balance between these and opposite characteristics means that these qualities are carried to the extreme. Whenever personality characteristics are carried to the extreme, it suggests they are operating as defensive mechanisms, to protect us from our fear of the opposite characteristic. In complementary relationships, we both need and fear the very characteristics we love in our partner.

I was attracted to Les' qualities of independence, discipline, and confidence. Being a very feeling, expressive, and social person, I was often undisciplined because the flow of my feelings influenced my decisions. I admired how Les' stability allowed the building of financial and material continuity. Likewise, Les admired my expressiveness, creativity, spontaneity and capacity for intimacy. But whenever I pressured Les to display more expressiveness and intimacy, Les would withdraw into greater detachment and coldness. In turn, I would react by becoming more emotional and needy. The positive aspects of our dominant personality characteristics became extreme, revealing themselves as defense mechanisms.

We both feared developing the other's characteristics, because in childhood we had learned that in order to feel safe and loved, we needed to be both unemotional and strong, or emotional and vulnerable. As our conflict heated up, we began to discover the shadow sides of our personalities. The shadow is a part of our selves we believe to be "bad" and "wrong," and deny exists. I discovered I could be raging, volatile, and needy; whereas disassociation, selfishness and abandonment were shadow qualities discovered by Les.

Eventually I couldn't stand the emotionally volatile shadow characteristics I was expressing, so I began to detach and distance myself, taking on Les' defensive reactions. When I no longer allowed myself the verbal outlet, I found myself alone with my feelings of fear, hurt and anger. Taking responsibility for my feelings, I discovered their connection to childhood dramas. Likewise, when I withdrew, Les became more emotionally expressive and volatile.

By taking on my shadow characteristics of detachment and distance, I discovered that my underlying fears and sorrows originated in childhood. I was projecting them onto my relationship with Les. Over time, I made friends with them and began to honor all my feelings, developing greater independence and confidence. Les too discovered that feelings are not to be feared, and became more comfortable expressing them. Though our relationship ended, it allowed us the space to heal and integrate the denied and shadow aspects of ourselves. Having experienced both sides of my shadow, I have developed compassion and understanding for those who feel the need to detach because they fear their emotions and vulnerability. I have also developed the confidence and independence to withdraw to take care of my feelings, when necessary, so that I do not project my issues onto others.

Complementary relationships are karmic contracts agreed to by both souls, as an opportunity to learn that not learned in a past life. These contracts are made out of love, to help one another remember our wholeness. Relationships are an opportunity to heal ourselves by bringing us into confrontation with aspects of ourselves we have disowned, rejected and denied. The mirroring of disowned and shadow characteristics of our personalities also reflects our underlying core beliefs.

The Holographic Mirroring of Core Beliefs

Our relationships holographically mirror our beliefs about others, the universe and ourselves. By examining our relationships, we can discover our unconscious core beliefs. When our relationships cause us suffering, it is our soul's call to heal false core beliefs. These false core beliefs not only affect our experience of relationships, but also limit our experience of all aspects of life.

My relationships mirrored a core belief that affects nearly all of us –
"love is always followed by rejection and abandonment."

Core beliefs influence and affect our life experiences. This particular core issue has its roots in birth. As an infant we are protected, comfortable and surrounded by the love of our mother's womb. Then during birth we sense our mother's psychic pain and understand we are the cause of it; we are forced out of the comfort of the womb, cut from our breathing apparatus (the umbilical cord), slapped, and choking, we gasp for breath. We are born into rejection and guilt.

Just when we begin to recover from the intense shock, we experience abandonment. We are removed from our mother's arms, put in an incubator, away from physical touch and the psychic energy of human nurturing. We have learned not to trust pleasure and love because we have learned it leads to pain and abandonment. This prime belief is reinforced in childhood, to a greater or lesser degree of intensity in all of us, depending on our karma.

The parents we choose reflect our karma, and they reinforce our false core beliefs via emotional patterning in childhood. By looking at our relationships with our primary care givers, we can discover the emotional patterning that took place in childhood, and how it gets re-created in adulthood.

My relationship with Les mirrored my relationship with my father. My father was a loving, kind and generous man who spent a lot of time with me as a child and never outwardly betrayed my trust. But I never felt a heartfelt connection to him. He remained distant and unconnected to me on a heart level, and as a child I felt unloved. I did everything in my power to make him love me from a feeling level. Though I intellectually knew as an adult that he loved me, I never felt the heart-cord connection as a child. This relationship set up the emotional patterning for my relationships. I recreated this relationship with others in order to try to make my father love me. Perhaps if I was successful, I could then believe I was worth loving.

I mirrored my mother by taking on her personality and shadow characteristics. I chose a mother who could be extremely loving, nurturing, intimate and loyal, but when triggered her shadow side would suddenly flare. She would express rage, leading to rejection and some form of abandonment. As a child I lived on eggshells, wondering when her loving and nurturing would suddenly turn to blame. I came to believe that I am responsible for other people's feelings about me, and that I needed to make others happy in order to be loved. Love is something that comes from others, so I am dependent on others to make me feel loved. When my mother was angry, I felt guilty, responsible for her anger, and unlovable.

I manifested these now deeply ingrained beliefs in the rest of my life. I experienced betrayal, rejection and abandonment to a fierce degree in elementary, junior and high school by my peers. But mirroring the childhood experience of my mother, I also experienced great love and appreciation by others – from my teachers and peers at church. I was very popular at church with kids my age, and being the preacher's kid I was treated with honor and respect by the entire congregation. Yet I had no friends in school, and spent many years hiding at recess, or spending lunch alone in a park, several blocks away from school, crying from the loneliness of rejection. I believed I must be truly worthless to be rejected by so many. And I was distrusting of the love I did receive from others because I decided it was based on excelling in school or by my status and position.

Even my understanding of The Creator mirrored my core belief. I was taught that The Creator loves and is kind, and as a child I felt the love of The Creator. But later, when I prayed for help from the constant scorn of my school peers, my prayers were not answered. "The Creator once loved me, and now has abandoned me. Even The Creator thinks I am guilty of punishment and worthy of being hated," I believed.

The volatile emotional swings of my life eventually made me turn to self-destructive behavior – I inflicted self-punishment, even when I wasn't being punished or blamed by anyone. I used drugs and alcohol to escape my self-hatred and guilt. But the pendulum swung in the opposite direct when I turned 20, and with my usual extreme intensity, I began my healing journey.

Although I did much inner work and therapy, and experienced a great deal of healing, the core belief hid like a virus, infecting me on a cellular level, latent, yet subtly influencing every aspect of my life and relationships. As the vibration of the earth increases, our deepest core beliefs manifest and surface to be healed. In relationships, I unconsciously feared being rejected and abandoned from the beginning of feeling loved. And my fear ensured that I created rejection, abandonment and betrayal from others, by provoking it in some manner. Yet I was blind to being the cause of the rejection and later, abandonment.

The people with whom I had relationships shared my core belief, and to a complementary degree of intensity. They would experience their belief of being unlovable as well, because I was blaming and judgmental. My partners experienced that they were unworthy of love. At some point they would abandon me, and I would take on the guilt, and blame (punish) myself.

My relationship with Les mirrored our fears that we are not worthy of being loved.

Our relationships always mirror what we believe we are worthy of receiving.

And were we to be loved, our relationship would end in rejection and abandonment for us both.

Finally, our relationships mirror the relationships of our society, culture and planet. When we surrender our false beliefs and fears, we assist the world in healing.

Such is the wonderful, loving and cooperative nature of relationships, that we are reminded of our core beliefs at every level. And every relationship is an opportunity to discover our wholeness and divinity.

Letting Go of Self-Blame and Punishment

When examining our relationships as mirroring our core beliefs, it is necessary to let go of self-blame and punishment. Because the belief that we are unworthy of love, and deserve to be punished is deeply entrenched in our psyches, we use this knowledge to further punish ourselves and cause ourselves pain. The thought sounds like this: "I am the cause of all my pain, which proves that I am guilty and deserving of punishment. Of course I am unworthy of love." It is only when we begin to realize at an emotional level that we are unconditionally and fully loved by the universe at all times, and it is only our own self-punishment that causes us pain and suffering, that we can transform our beliefs and experiences.

Self-punishment, guilt, the belief in our lack of wholeness and worthiness of love is at the root of all karma and suffering. To step off the karmic wheel, we must surrender guilt, and open to the infinite and unconditional love of The Creator. Then we will remember who we are and that we are one.

Bugger!

I've been as buggy as a wasp in the dying autumn heat; or as obsessive as a ladybug whose house is on fire; or as dragged out as a dragonfly who has disappeared from the decrepit dunghill prairies in search of new climes. I have reams of stories: from the hot hetero BC firefighter who came onto me, setting new fires; to the ex-Romanian Olympic swimmer named Yuri who fondled my crotch seductively... But I ain't got the time. It's not raining h2o, but it is raining men, out here in the outback. I'll get me brelly out, and tell you all, soon. Hang in there.

Attracting Relationships


It's time for some more enlightenment. I wrote this article just as I met my boyfriend BC. Sure, our relationship only lasted three years, but it's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all. I dedicate this article to Single in the City, a sweet and humorous blogger I discovered recently, who is celebrating 60 days of sexual and relationship sobriety. I think the one thing he hasn't investigated is the spiritual aspect of relationships: may you find it now.


In our world there exists a miraculous system of interconnections and relationships, all perfectly and effortlessly orchestrated. Everyone in your life mirrors your beliefs, and vice versa. Not everyone is equally meaningful to you at any given point, but those that hold more purpose and meaning are brought to your conscious awareness.


How do you attract conscious, co-creative relationships into your life? I have been exploring the process of co-creating cooperative and harmonious relationships of all kinds. It begins with healing your false core beliefs, via the mirroring and karmic processes, thereby acknowledging and honoring your wholeness. In this article I review some aspects of the healing process, and look at the process of co-creation.

We are all one
In actuality, everyone is one. We are all whole. All who exist are manifestations of the one Creator. We, as the one Creator, have agreed to individuate, in order to explore who it is that we are. Each one of us is simply an aspect of the one. You have agreed to take on certain aspects of the one, which form your characteristics, personality, and beliefs, and explore them. In each incarnation, you carry false core beliefs from your previous lives, about your lack of wholeness, in order to explore these beliefs and give you the opportunity to discover all that you are. You are the one Creator.

You are, and always have been, involved in cooperative and harmonious relationships. Every person in your life right now is cooperating with you in the most harmonious and loving manner to help you to understand your relationship to, and beliefs about, your inner self. Each person mirrors back to you an aspect of your inner self.

If you choose to believe that you are not whole, then you will attract into your life others that also believe they are not whole. This is the basis for complementary relationships. These are the relationships that often bring much pain and drama. Because if you believe that you are not complete, then you believe that you are in need. And you will believe that you need the other who represents the aspect of you that you believe you are lacking. This causes fear because if the person does not give you what you are lacking, or threatens to leave, then you will feel incomplete, abandoned and unloved.

But when you awaken to your wholeness, and realize that you are not lacking anything, then you will attract people who believe the same thing about themselves, and have more harmonious relationships — relationships based on love and not need.

Vibratory resonance

Every belief you hold emits a particular vibratory resonance. This vibratory resonance is an energy pattern that attracts to itself vibratory resonances similar in nature. These vibratory resonances are the fundamental building blocks of matter, and create our personal experience of physical reality. Whatever and whoever vibrates in a similar matter will be drawn into our personal reality. This is because harmony is the nature of the universe. Just as when a certain pitch of sound is emitted into the environment, all objects that are capable of vibrating at this rate will respond by singing in equanimity.

All relationships are an act of co-creation. What you choose to believe and hold in your consciousness about yourself and others is manifested by your higher self in cooperation with the higher selves of all others. You automatically attract to yourself others who resonate with your beliefs. Our higher selves always act as one, for the highest good of all. This is an important concept to understand because once you understand that we are all one, then you feel connected to everyone else.


The universal web
Everyone around you at any given moment is in your personal reality because they in some way share one or more of your beliefs. These include beliefs about yourself, the world, and the universe. In our world there exists a miraculous system of interconnections and relationships, all perfectly and effortlessly orchestrated. Everyone in your life mirrors your beliefs, and vice versa. Not everyone is equally meaningful to you at any given point, but those that hold more purpose and meaning are brought to your conscious awareness.

You know that a person and situation hold meaning for you when it becomes energetically charged. You may perceive the person and situation as more vibrant and having greater clarity, and/or your emotions are stirred and register the significance of the meeting.

When I meditate on the understanding that I am in relationship with everyone around me, I begin to sense that we are all interconnected by a web of energy, and are in constant telepathic communication with one another. This is a multi-dimensional web, that not only extends through space, but also time. When I open myself, I can feel on an intuitive level the connection I have with my neighbor who I've never met. I intuitively sense that we share similar ideas about abundance, and also believe in living peacefully and without drama.

I can also sense my connection to my grandfather, who I never met, and died a couple decades ago. I can feel his presence, and that we are connected to one another via this interrelational web of energy. As I have continued to grow spiritually, I feel that I am even able to have conversations in my mind with him.

When I reflected on who my next romantic partner might be, I imagined they existed exactly as I desired. I also intuited that they lived in the same city, which was important to me. When I focussed on their existence, and tuned into the particular vibration or experience I was looking for, I imagined that I was plucking a string on the web, which lead to them. I would check in to their vibration once in a while, and stir the web that connected us, to say hello. I reminded myself that we would meet when the moment was right, and that our higher selves were coordinating the co-incident that would bring us together.

Allow the relationship to come to you
Trusting in the knowledge that there exists a universal mind, or an energy web which connects us all in relationship, opens you to experiencing it on a subjective level. You develop complete trust that any connection you desire to make with others are accessible and available, no matter where they exist in the world. You cease searching for the connection because you are solid in your knowledge that your connection will be fulfilled, and manifest, when the time is right.

A columnist in a local paper recently ran a series of articles on how people met their partners in places and situations that are normally considered to be highly unlikely places to meet a serious partner. These included the church at which they were about to be wedded to someone else, looking for anonymous sex in a park washroom, or on a chat line.

There is no such place as the 'right' place to meet someone.
The only right place is where you are in any given moment.

He or she will appear wherever it is you are. In contrast to usual advice, you don't need to go out of your way to hang out at special places, or make any special effort to make contacts for business or relationship purposes. Allow the person to come to you. Open yourself to receiving the relationship you desire.

As in all aspects of your life, always act on any gentle inner nudgings. Avoid trying to second guess where these will lead. This can interfere with the process because your expectations may lead to disappointment, which leads to fear and a lack of trust in the process. Instead, trust that your inner guidance is leading you to exactly where it is you need to be, even though you may not understand its purpose in the moment.

The power of saying "No"
While opening yourself to receiving the relationship you desire, it is likely you will have to exercise the power of saying, "No." Whenever core beliefs are changed, there is a period of adjustment, and people and situations may continue to show up that reflect your old beliefs. One of the most powerful choices you have is to say, "No. I do not choose this for myself any more."

Remember that all your relationships mirror, in a holographic manner, our relationship to our inner self. Relationships include friendships, co-workers, clients, family members and relatives, romantic partners and anyone you interact with in the living of your life. None are exempt. For example, if you are working for an employer with whom you have a frustrating, difficult and discordant relationship, then it is important to examine your patterns and choices in this relationship.

As I began my healing process, one of the first relationships that no longer were tolerable for me was with my employer. I came to the point where I could no longer agree to his unreasonable expectations, and the lack of respect I received. Although I had no job to go to, I bravely gave my notice after weeks of contemplation. I felt that for my mental, emotional and spiritual health I needed to deeply trust in my inner guidance and take a step into the unknown.

One of the most difficult relationships I had to let go of was with a friend I had known since childhood. As I grew, our paths diverged, and I no longer found her to treat me as lovingly as I had begun to treat myself. She hadn't changed — only I had. What was once okay for me, no longer was.

After my last romantic relationship, I was determined to never enter into one that was similar, and repeat the same patterns. I decided that I would rather be single for the rest of my life, than have a repeat performance. Because of the work I had done on healing my issues, I became very sensitive to any signs that a similar dynamic was occurring between a romantic interest and me. It had also become very clear as to what I didn't want to experience with a partner. No matter how attracted or lonely I was, or how much we may have had in common, if there were signs of a dynamic I no longer wished to play out, I would trust my perceptions and feelings and say, "No." Sometimes I wondered if I was making the right decisions.

After more than three years of saying "No" more often than I would have liked to, I discovered I was making it very clear to my higher self that I was saying, "Yes" to having people in my life who reflected back to me my self love. And I was rewarded with wonderful friendships over time. I was enjoying my life so much, that I did not feel I was lacking anything by not having a romantic relationship. It is not that I didn't think it was possible — I knew that my partner would show up when the time was right, but I was in no hurry for it to happen. I felt more whole than I ever had in my whole life.

Following your passions
The energy I used to devote to finding a romantic partner became diverted to pursuing new interests and passions — such as writing about relationships. I am still surprised that writing brings me so much joy, because it was something I previously never enjoyed doing, or thought I did well. The inner excitement I feel whenever I finish an article, and upload it to the web makes me vibrate with bliss. I can literally feel bolts of energy beam from my body. Over the last few years I have become more focussed on fulfilling myself, instead of looking for someone to do it for me. I have started a new business, began teaching, set fitness goals, traveled, and began fixing up my home.

Doing whatever brings you great joy and excitement helps to attract harmonious relationships, because you are following your inner purpose, which leads to a greater sense of wholeness. It raises the rate of your vibration, intensifying its signal, so you attract more of the same experience.

Defining your relationship desires
In examining your karmic core issues through the mirroring process, relationship patterns become clearer. This is useful, because what you no longer wish to experience in a relationship is defined. It is useful to write these down on paper, and make them concrete. Clarify these as you grow and understand who you are and what your needs and desires are.

For example, I decided that in my next relationship I no longer wished to experience with my partner:
• drama
• intense conflict
• neediness and longing
• invalidation of my feelings and perceptions
• rejection and abandonment
• lack of affection
• emotional detachment
• disregard of boundaries
• controlling behavior
• dishonesty
• denial
• betrayal

It is also important to write what you would like to experience. In my list I included:
• peace
• joy
• love
• effortlessness
• nurturing
• intimacy
• gentleness
• laughter
• respect
• physical attraction
• trust

In knowing myself, I wrote down the characteristics I wished my partner to have:
• ability to communicate their feelings and thoughts
• be at a similar place in awareness of their issues and healing
• be open to and share similar spiritual beliefs
• have creative interests
• be interested in fitness
• enjoy traveling
• have a healthy balance of independence and interdependence
• live in the same city
• be following their own passions and interests
• be financially responsible

I added a few qualities to my list that weren't necessary, but would be bonuses. My partner would:
• be similar in age
• enjoy hiking, camping and outdoor activities
• have friends that I like and get along with well
• have things to teach me
• like gardening and taking care of their home
• be tall in height

In imagining the romantic partner I would like to have, I drew upon positive feelings and experiences I had with previous partners. I would identify the exact feeling I enjoyed the most with other partners, and imagined having this with my next partner. It is difficult to verbalize these feeling experiences, but I felt them as though they were happening now.

Once in a while, whenever the impulse struck me, I would imagine this relationship in meditation. After three years, when I was able to visualize this without attachment, fear or a sense of longing, I met someone with whom I have been able to experience this kind of relationship and meets each one of my needs and desires. Down to the last detail.

Each one of your desires is holy and honored by the universe. Because you are divine, all of your desires are fulfilled automatically through the co-creative process. Becoming conscious of your beliefs and choices awakens you to your wondrous power, and the limitless love of all that is.

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Wow, reviewing all list made me realize BC nearly fit the requirements perfectly - I think the one thing I forgot to put on my list was "he's not bisexual, but instead is perfectly comfortable with his gay sexuality." Next time...